How do we manage our emotions? What can we do to regulate our emotional responses?

Managing emotions is the ability to control emotions so they work for you and others. It is best to regulate rather than repress emotions, as bottled-up emotions can become overwhelming and eventually break out, potentially causing harm or distress to you and others.  

To think about how we manage or regulate emotions we can use one of the models of emotional intelligence, the Ability Model. 

The Ability Model

Peter Salovey and John Mayer created the Ability Model, which has evolved into a 4 Branch Model that includes:

• Perceiving emotions
• Reasoning with emotions
• Understanding emotions
• Managing emotions

We can unpack each of these four aspects to help understand emotions better and equip us to better deal with them.

Perceiving emotions

It is natural to have emotions but we can all be better at perceiving emotions in ourselves and others. The first step to improved perception is curiosity. We can be curious about our emotional state, and the causes and effects of our emotions.

Recognising and labelling our own emotions

When we feel a specific emotion, we can pause and ask ourselves:

• What was the situation? (What was the circumstance, cue or trigger?)
• What was the emotion? (How would you label or describe it?)
• How did that make me feel? (Which passions or sentiments?)
• How did my body react? (What body language, expression or movement?)
• What did it make me think? (What thoughts, assumptions or self-talk?)
• What does it make me want to do? (Which actions or behaviours)?

Spotting emotions in others

We can also be curious about the emotions of others. Of course we cannot feel what they are feeling, but using our powers of observation and empathy we can start to identify their emotions. 

We can pick up clues through:

• Facial expressions. Our brains can pick up even tiny changes in faces. What emotion do you see in the expression (think about emojis!)
• Body language. A person’s body language also gives us emotional signs. People might have open or closed postures, they might be tense or relaxed, static or moving.
• Language. People’s language, tone and choice of words, all give clues to their emotional state. 

Reasoning with or use of emotions

Reasoning with, or the use of emotions, is the ability to utilise emotions to get an outcome. For example, emotions provide insights, call us to action and help us to be persuasive. 

Insights

Emotions can give us insights into our situation. They help us gauge the impact of circumstances upon ourselves and others. They also help us with creativity, problem-solving and decision-making. For example, anger and joy can inspire great art. Initial confusion can lead to curiosity about solutions. Our guts can help us make the right decision. 

Taking action

Emotions can inspire us to action. Emotions, used positively, can stir us up. Even anger, often thought of in a negative light, can be the right response to a bad situation. The challenge with strong emotions such as anger is controlling the emotion to allow us to pick the best response or behaviour to get the best outcome. 

Persuasion

Emotions can be persuasive. Every actor (and small child) knows this! If we are self-aware and self-controlled, we can pick the appropriate emotion to support our communication and be more persuasive. 

Understanding emotions

We are likely to all have an idea of what emotions are, but there is no one exact scientific definition. What is agreed is that emotions are mental states brought on by neurophysiological changes that impact our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

The English word “emotion” was adapted from the French word “émouvoir” meaning “to stir up.” It became a general term for passions, sentiments and affections.

Emotions differ from feelings in that feelings are experienced consciously, whereas emotions can manifest either consciously or unconsciously.

The National Health Service in the UK closely links emotions and our bodies. In this way

the word “emotion” can be described as:

“E-MOTION (Elicit Motion). Emotion causes us to react and move in certain ways.”

When thinking about managing emotions it is important to remember that emotions are natural. They are not implicitly good or bad, although they can prompt unhelpful thoughts or harmful behaviours, and that is just one of the reasons why it is important to regulate emotions. 

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Managing emotions

There are lots of techniques for managing or regulating emotions in ourselves and others. Here are some of the most helpful: 

Routine

Having a healthy routine, with the right amount of sleep, exercise and nutrition is foundational to good emotional regulation. We all know that tired people easily get grumpy and if you don’t eat you get ‘hangry’!

Acceptance

Accepting emotions is another starting point. We should not ignore, suppress or be fearful of them.

Breathing

Taking deep breaths and if possible employing breathing techniques, is one of the most effective, scientifically proven ways, to manage emotions and stress.

Mindfulness

Being mindful of ourselves and our situation allows us to be in the moment and identify our emotions without being swept away by them. 

Venting

Venting can help us get our emotions out and process our adrenaline. That might be speaking, shouting, writing things down, exercising (such as walking, running or hitting a punchbag) or similar. When we feel emotions, we get clues as to what we want to do, and we can then pick the most appropriate thing for the circumstance.

Facing the facts

It is helpful to face the facts of the situation and filter out wrong assumptions, fears, false hopes and other misguided thinking about our circumstances. This allows us to be more rational about dealing with the situation.

Reframing

Reframing is changing how we see our emotions and circumstances. For example, a problem or issue can be reframed as a challenge, adventure or learning opportunity. 

Envisioning

Envisioning allows us to picture something else in our minds. That could be a calming picture or memory, or a vision of how we want to act or want things to change.

Change of environment

Getting a change of environment can help to decompress emotions. That could be as simple as stepping into another room or going outside for a walk. Sometimes we might need a longer and more distinct change of scene, which is why vacations are important.

Distraction

 We can distract ourselves from negative emotions by choosing to think about or do other things. For example, playing relaxing games, reading, listening to music or watching something can all help distract us. But it is important to pick the right thing to take our emotions in the right way, for example you might not want to watch a sad movie if you are feeling down already. 

Positivity

Remaining positive is important. This often goes hand in hand with reframing as it is helpful to reframe a negative situation into something more positive. 

Affirmations

Affirmations reinforce positivity. They should follow the 3Ps of being positive, personal and in the present tense. For example:

• I am loved.
• I am confident.
• All I need is within me now.
• I am strong.
• I am getting better and better every day.

Social Connections

Our social connections and relationships, if they are positive ones, also really help us. Feeling connected to people we love is not just important, it is proven to reduce stress and anxiety.

Get help

Finally, when we do feel out of our depth emotionally, we should be able to ask for help. That might be a friend, family member or colleague. Alternatively, it could be a counsellor, therapist or other professional. If in doubt, ask someone for help. 

Three simple steps to better emotional regulation

We return to the same steps outlined in the section on overcoming fear and anxiety. These are BTD or:

1. Breathe – take some breaths to bring yourself under control and engage your brain
2. Think – identify and label your emotions, recognise the cause and how it is making you feel
3. Do – choose your action or behaviour. If the emotions are strong or you don’t feel fully under control you are likely to want to choose one of the emotional management techniques listed above.

Our emotions are fluid, they change throughout the day, every day, so be mindful of BTD, and the next time you feel an emotion today, follow the BTD steps. The more you practice the steps, the more likely you will be able to regulate your emotions when it matters the most.