Diagnosing and treating the underlying causes of unhappiness by examining expectations and values
I am healthy, I live in a great home, in a wonderful city. I have a loving family, wife, kids, and a diverse group of friends. My work is challenging and job fulfilling. But I get unhappy. Due to how fortunate I am that makes me feel guilty and in turn, more unhappy. After all, what right do I have to be unhappy?
As I am in my forties it is easy to classify this as a mid-life crisis but that does not solve the fundamental question; why am I unhappy and what can be done about it?
Happiness is not just Maslow’s hierarchy
An observer would say that, in my case, unhappiness is not logical. In terms of Maslow’s hierarchy, the levels are ticked off, at least on first inspection. My basic physiological, security and social needs are met. I have pretty good self-esteem and the respect of others. I acquire self-actualisation through my employment, pursuits, and personal development.
So why do I get unhappy?
I am not suffering from medical depression but – as we are increasingly aware – mental health is nuanced. Malaise and malcontent may not require medication, but they are still challenges. They affect our relationships and performance as well as our joy. Therefore, these feelings need to be understood, managed and treated in their own way.
And I am not alone. It is not just my work as a coach that gives me an insight into the number of people who find themselves unhappy. And it is not just people having a mid-life crisis, it is people of all ages. COVID-19 may be the pandemic, but unhappiness is endemic.
The equation of happiness?
The issue of happiness, or rather the lack of it, is developing a growing academic interest. Researchers seek to quantify and qualify what is it to be happy. Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells, relative pioneers in this field, proposed various laws of happiness in their book Engineering Happiness. The laws can effectively be summarised in the following equation:
Happiness = Reality – Shifting Expectations
This is useful, at least to a degree, as a large part of unhappiness – particularly for those in seemingly good situations – is based on unhelpful comparisons. The selectively manicured view of life on social media does nothing to help this. The fact is life can always be better, things (and people) are not perfect. But, as per the equation, we often feel the imbalance, notice the lack or get lost in the gap.
So how do we solve the problem? Does this mean that we should just have low expectations? This might be the response of cynics or ascetics. And simplifying life or managing expectations can help. But this is also not always easy nor is it necessarily the full answer to the problem. We need to understand why we have certain expectations in the first place. That is because our expectations are based on what we value.
Therefore, unhappiness can be seen as a misalignment in our values. When forced to spend our time beyond our priorities, when actions grate against our principles or when reality challenges our beliefs, we feel that imbalance. It makes us unhappy.
Creeping discontent
Sometimes this unhappiness can take us by surprise. Suddenly we are overwhelmed by the compounding of small, misaligned decisions, the incremental build-up of compromise.
When this happens to me it feels like I have been out walking in a fog. After marching on a bearing in the mist for a long time, my head pops out of the cloud, and I find that I was not where I was expecting to be. Suddenly I am faced with lots of questions. How did I get off track? What should I do now?
At times like these, the first thing I do is to re-examine my personal values. They are my moral compass. They give me direction. Therefore, I need to know whether I can trust these principles. If the precepts are still good, then I want to know, what went wrong in the process of applying them?
Examining my personal values
When coaching and exploring personal values, many people come up with work, family, and leisure as values. But I would call these priorities, and in that sense, they are subtly different. What we prioritise can be seen in where we use our resources, such as time and money. Our values reveal how we behave and perform in these priority areas.
So, for example, I may give a lot of time to my work – making it a priority – but the nature of the work I choose and how I perform in my employment is an expression of my values. To explain this more we will look at my personal core values.
The way I have expressed my core values has changed over time but the top three are being adventurous, serving to lead and being mission-focused. In my recent bout of unhappiness – aka mid-life crisis – examining each, in turn, helped reveal causes of discontentment. In turn, this knowledge gave me the starting point to change things for the better.
Trying to live a life of adventure
I have always dreamed of and sought adventure. Growing up I wanted to be Indiana Jones. Explorers like Ernest Shackleton are my heroes. I am a fellow of the Royal Geographical Society. I have scaled unclimbed peaks in the arctic and searched for archaeological remains in the jungles of Central America. One of the things that led me to a career in the military for a desire for adventure, which I certainly experienced on my various operational tours.
My love of adventure influences my relationships. My best friends share a love of adventure and family holidays become mini expeditions in themselves. Even when not in the wilderness I try to bring an adventurous outlook to what I do.
Sounds good right? But the fact is that now many of my responsibilities restrict opportunities for adventure. In the interests of creating a stable home life or maintaining a good level of income, adventure can be slowly stifled. The safety and stability of a good home in a safe neighbourhood can feel like a gilded cage. A cage of my own making. So, I must ask myself, how did I box myself in?
Servant leadership and the challenges of putting others first
One of the reasons is related to another value, that of serving to lead. Servant leadership puts the greater purpose and the development of others before self. Servant leadership has always been the most influential leadership model for me. It was exemplified by my father, exhorted at church when growing up, and expected of Army Officers graduating from The Royal Military Academy Sandhurst.
As well as shaping my military career this approach also led me into coaching. Coaching is about helping others to flourish and fulfil their potential. Effective coaching is a form of servant leadership.
And servant leadership is not just about professional titles. Being a parent is about as challenging as leadership gets. There is no other leadership role where I have so constantly felt so out of depth or so frequently failing in some way! In this context, servant leadership has been putting the needs of the family and the development of children ahead of other things.
So, serving can mean less adventure, and so, as a matter of circumstance, values come under tension, pulled in different directions. This stress can cause unhappiness. When this happens resentment or resignment can set in. In these circumstances, parenthood can become just another duty, work a necessary evil, marriage a transactional partnership. The underlying passion and the purpose – the reason for serving – can get lost.
Mission focus to loss of purpose
A sense of purpose is important to most people, but I am particularly wired to go after a vision, define a mission, to set and achieve goals. I like to set targets and achieve them. I enjoy working on projects – such as expeditions and operations – that have defined start and end states.
When committed to achieving an aim it brings out other characteristics. I can be very energised, determined, and focused. On the other hand, without a clear goal, I can become restless, morose, or even lazy.
The middle stage of life is often characterised by routine and process rather than big achievements or bold challenges. Sometimes the problem is even related to having achieved so much. Writer Tal Ben-Shahar, in his book Happier, calls this the arrival fallacy. As with the happiness equation, the arrival fallacy exists because our expectations of achieving something generally outstrip the reality of completing or even just striving for a goal. Even becoming the world’s best does not help, that is why there is a recognised disorder called post-Olympic depression.
So, what happens when you have achieved your goals, or you find you have lost your drive? It is easy to lose a feeling of purpose when every day seems the same. When progress is so incremental our dreams, beliefs, even our identity can come into question. At times like these, one needs some focused self-refection.
Unhappy? Start with proper self-diagnosis
Unhappy? Mid-life crisis? Not content with life? You are not alone. There is no common circumstance that causes unhappiness but there are some key insights to help diagnose the root causes. In all cases, diagnosis proceeds proper treatment. Self-inquiry comes before self-improvement. Thinking before doing.
First, we need to examine our expectations. How do they differ from our reality? Identifying and quantifying the gap helps us understand the nature and scope of our dissatisfaction. Next, we need to identify how expectations have been shaped by our values. In this way, we can identify where the tensions and misalignments are. Only then will we have sufficient knowledge to address our challenges.
This has been my recent experience. Reflection and self-examination have given me data I need to start again. I now know where I am and how I got there. Next, I can plan where I want to go next and how I am going to get there. And even just that knowledge makes me happier. Maybe the challenge can become an adventure!