How to Develop Your Confidence – The Simple Truth

How self-assured are you? Are you confident of your success, in your life, work and relationships? If you are unsure, then you are not alone. 85% of Americans suffer from low esteem, according to research by Dr Joe Rubino. This lack of confidence affects more than just our feelings, it impacts our earnings too. Best-selling author Barrie Davenport observes that,

“One of the main obstacles to financial success is low self-confidence.”

Further studies, such as those highlighted by Francesco Drago, have shown that more confident people earn more. In fact, they earn a lot more; it can amount to thousands of extra dollars a year. Not only that, (and arguably more importantly) having greater confidence improves our relationships and overall wellbeing.

So, confidence is a big deal. The important question then becomes: can we improve our confidence, and if so, then how?

Can you become more confident?

Isn’t confidence just a character thing? Surely you either have it or you don’t? That is what many people think, and, indeed, some people are naturally more confident than others. But that does not mean that our self-esteem levels are fixed. We can learn to be more confident.

The evidence is there but I can also speak from personal experience. When I was younger, I was not naturally a confident character. I was introverted, very sensitive to how people perceived me, easily embarrassed, and I did not like to take the lead. Now, having been in various senior management positions and done a lot of public speaking, this comes as a surprise to people.

One of the things that helped me build confidence in my younger years was acting. School plays allowed me to take on another persona. When I put on a mask or costume, I felt I could become a more self-assured version of myself. I later came to realise that I could do this without having to step onto a stage. Without knowing it I stumbled on a truth that Dr Ian Robertson has explored in his book How Confidence Works.

How Confidence Works

Dr Robertson’s research has identified the two critical psychological elements of confidence, which he calls ‘can do’ and ‘can happen.’  The ‘can do’ part is the intrinsic belief that we can do something. The ‘can happen’ element is the assurance that our actions can make a differ our given situation.

The combination of these beliefs can lead to four different states of mind:

  • Can’t do/can’t happen. This is an apathetic state where a person believes they are not good enough and anything they did would fail anyway. In other words, they have a fixed rather than a growth mindset. This state of low self-esteem is also linked to low dopamine levels which further dampens energy levels. For example, if someone wanted to lose weight but did not believe they had enough willpower, and that even if they did, then changing their diet would not work anyway, then they would be in this can’t do/can’t happen mindset.
  • Can do/can’t happen. Here the belief is that an individual can act, but that any effort would be wasted as it would not change the situation. As well as undermining confidence this state can lead to resentment and be expressed by anger at a situation. Using the previous example about losing weight, here a person might believe they can change their diet, but it would not have the desired effect. They might blame their own body, the diet itself or some other factor.
  • Can’t do/can happen. Here a person might believe that something is possible but just not for them. A goal becomes something that other people achieve but the individual’s low self-esteem holds them back from trying. Past failures can invoke this state of mind. When it comes to the example of losing weight a lot of people find themselves in this situation. They have tried to get fitter, and have struggled to achieve lasting success, and this has led to a mindset where they no longer have the confidence to try.
  • Can do/can happen. This is the optimal state of high confidence. It combines the self-esteem of an individual, confidence that they can do something, along with the positive outlook that a situation can be changed. Using the dieting example once again, in this mindset a person would believe that they can change their behaviours – such as what they eat – and that the resultant change would lead to achieving their goal of losing weight.

5 factors that affect confidence

Dr Ian Robertson goes on to highlight five things to be aware of to improve confidence, these are languageattentionmemoryimagery, and posture. By embracing the positive aspects of these factors (and limiting the negative ones) we can get into the can do/can happen mindset. Let’s look at each one in turn:

Language

Words are powerful and the words we use of ourselves, both internally and externally, really do matter. Humility is good but not thinking too highly of yourself is not the same as thinking too little of yourself. Negative self-talk, things like “I am not good enough” or a pessimistic outlook such as “things never change in this organisation” undermines the can do/can happen state. Confident language, both internal and external, needs to be positive, even if that is just “I can learn to do this” or “I can make a difference, no matter how small.”

Attention

Our attention is important because we move towards whatever we choose to focus on. It is like driving, you must fix your eyes on where you want to go, even (and in some ways most importantly) when you feel we are skidding out of control. As in life as with driving, if you focus on the obstacle, you are more likely to hit it. Instead, we need to give our attention to positive feelings, thoughts and where we want to go.

Memory

Memories can either help or hinder us. Remembering past successes and positive experiences can get us into the can-do/can-happen mode. If we have done something successfully before we can recall that moment and think “I can do this, I know it.” Equally, we can undermine our confidence by bringing to mind our past failures. This is why sports psychologists spend so much time helping players learn to quickly leave behind the last bad stroke, kick or ball, to stop that memory from undermining the next serve, pass or play.

Imagery

Similarly, to memory, visualisation can be very powerful and is a power harnessed by top athletes. Even if we have not done something successfully before, we can make new connections in our brains that hardwire us for success by rehearsing the events in our minds. Visualisation not only new neural pathways it also prepares our bodies for physical activity. But, if we choose to focus on the negatives and all the possible things that could go wrong, it will have the opposite effect.

Posture

As we have seen with memory and imagery, our psychology affects our physiology. This works the other way around too. How we use our bodies can positively or negatively impact our confidence and feelings in general. Many people know non-verbal communication cues such as crossing your arms in front of your body. This closed body language indicates a defensive mindset. But it also creates a defensive mindset. If you stand tall, pull your shoulders back and look people in the eye, your brain will interpret the physical signals. The result is that you will feel more confident.

How to develop your confidence

Scientific research demonstrates that we can all improve our confidence. If we get ourselves into the can-do/can-happen mindset we can think and act differently. To help us, we can use positive language, attention, memory, imagery, and posture to reinforce our feelings or confidence and set us up for success.

Tennis legend Venus Williams summed things up well in her New York Times interview in 2018:

“I feel that I owe my own success to my belief in myself and have found that confidence can be learned and developed. In fact, my own self-confidence is something I work on every day, just like going to the gym or training on the court.”

So, take a leaf out of Venus’ book and work on your confidence today and every day. Become a more confident version of yourself and enjoy the benefits. Confidence can bring wealth and success at work, but also it enriches relationships and will help you to be at peace with yourself.

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for leaders who want coaching towards greater clarity, purpose and success. We are all leaders (whether we know it or not) as we all have influence. So the question is, what are you doing with your influence?

Wherever you are on your leadership journey, I hope that you find resources on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and coaching them to achieve their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

How to Make Leadership Development Fun: Ski!

Many assume that having served in the army, formal military leadership training has helped me the most as a leader. While this training has been invaluable, plenty of other experiences have been crucial to my development. Somewhat surprisingly, one of the things that have been a huge part of my personal development has been skiing. Here is why.

Adventure helps us grow

I have always loved adventure. Getting outdoors, into the wild, and doing crazy things has always given me joy, but it has also provided another vital function; it has been the environment where I have learned the most about myself and been challenged to grow, both in character and as a leader.

In all of this skiing has a very special place, both in my heart and in my personal development. Here is the reason why.

A near disaster

I did not start to learn to ski until I was 18 years old, and it took a negative experience to kick-start this process. I can still vividly remember the exact moment I vowed that I would learn. At the time I was about halfway up the side of Mont Blanc.

I was on a mountaineering expedition, but we were trying to climb the peak early in the season and there was still a lot of snow. Too much. We were trying to wade through snow that was often up to the knees or even thigh depth. As a result, our progress was a lot slower than it should have been, putting us in danger, both from avalanche risk and fatigue. We were running out of water and the altitude was also taking its toll. As our physical and mental capacities drained away, our decision-making capabilities were also eroded. Therefore, we were at an ever-increasing risk of an accident.

No one else on the mountain was stupid enough to be on foot. Every other person was on skis. They were using ski touring equipment that allowed them to walk up on skis and then ski back down. The skis meant that they were not sinking into the soft snow in the way we were. It was the first time I had ever seen this done and it struck me that this was a faster, safer (and much more enjoyable) approach compared to the one we had chosen.

Extreme goal setting

It was mid-afternoon and we had been climbing for about twelve hours by then. I was stuck on a steep slope, waiting for other team members to ascend a rope. I had dug a small bucket seat in the snow, and I watched another group cruise past on skis, making their way back down the mountain. They had reached to top a long time ago.

I was on a slope that was a significant avalanche risk but – somewhat scarily – by then I was too tired to really care. All I remember was that it was at that moment when I promised myself, I would learn to ski, and then I would come back and do things differently.

Fortunately, we finally made it to the top, and then safely back down Mont Blanc. The experience had nearly put me off mountaineering for good. But I remembered my promise and my goal. I would learn to ski. Then I would come back.

Achieving the goal

Over the next few years, I carried on climbing but I also started to learn to ski. At that time, I was studying in Edinburgh so, when there was snow on the Scottish mountains I would head up for the day (even at the cost of a few lectures).

For those who have not had the dubious pleasure of skiing in the Cairngorms then I can say that it is not a place I generally recommend for novice skiers. The weather is changeable, the snow quality unpredictable, the slopes are short, and the lifts are cold. On the upside, if you can ski in a gale, over a mixture of frozen heather and rock, all while battling the onset of hypothermia, then you can pretty much ski anywhere! It certainly provided good training for later exploits in the arctic regions.

As well as battling the conditions in Scotland, I booked myself onto some (relatively) cheap skiing holidays in the Alps where I could get some proper instruction. I also invested in some ski mountaineering equipment so I could practice walking up, as well as cruising down, the slopes on skis. This also required special instruction but fortunately, I knew a mountain guide who helped me with the basics.

Realising the dream

I progressed quickly in my skiing ability, but it was ten years before I fully realised my goal. By then I was an officer in the British Army and I organised an expedition to ski the Haute Route, across the Alps from Chamonix in France to Zermatt in Switzerland, and therefore got to revisit the slopes around Mont Blanc, this time on skis.

Now, with this goal accomplished, I coupled my new skill (and passion) with another dream. I had always wanted to do a real ‘first’. To go somewhere that no one else had been or do something no one else had done before. And so, over the next few years, I built on my experience and improved my skills, ski mountaineering in Norway, Russia, and Svalbard (and yes, Scotland) to the point where I was able to go to Greenland and make first recorded ascents and descents of some mountains on skis.

The journey of self-discovery and leadership development

Ok, so nice story, but why is it important in terms of personal development and leadership? Well, it is relevant on quite a few levels.

Values

Firstly, it relates to realising the importance of my values. I had always loved adventure, but it was this journey that helped me understand that adventure was a personal value that impacted not just my holiday choices but my approach to everyday life. Adventure brings passion and fun into what I do and how I develop as a leader.

Goals and dreams

The experience also taught me a lot about setting and achieving audacious goals. The thing I wanted to do were not just physically challenging, they required money and time. I had to work hard and save to afford to do the things I wanted to. It took ten years to achieve the first goal and fifteen to fulfil the eventual dream.

Character and resilience

And this investment of time and money is related to another product of this journey. It took determination to see the plan through. How many times did I crash, get cold and wet, feel tired or wanted to give up? Too many to count. It took grit to get up and keep going. There were plenty of times when I was disheartened by my progress or disappointed when plans failed. I had to develop a growth mindset.

But as I kept going, I found my confidence – not just in my skiing ability but in myself generally – was growing. I was also more resilient, both physically and mentally, and I carried that resilience into all aspects of my work and life.

Leadership and management

As I learned to lead myself, I also improved in my leadership of others. I had to be a good follower to develop my skills. Then I had to be a good planner and manager to organise trips. Then I found I had a vision, a dream that other people could share. And so, almost without knowing it, I developed into a leader that people wanted to follow.

Embrace challenge

Not surprisingly, given my story, I am passionate about helping people on their leadership journey and helping them embrace challenges. Challenge does not always come in a physical form, they can come in many small and unexpected ways every day, but we can also create opportunities that stretch us. If we truly want to develop as individuals and as leaders, then we must continue to push ourselves. It is like elite sports, as managers we are either training ourselves or we are losing our competitive edge. There is little room for complacency.

So, what are you doing to get outside your comfort zone? How are you building your confidence and resilience? What are you doing to be a better boss?

Commit to something that will take you out of your comfort zone. And if you are short on ideas then drop me a line. For example, I will be working with a group of senior leaders in March 2023, who are all looking to do just this. And guess what we will be doing as we learn together?

Yes, skiing!

Why not come along as well? if you would like more details, please do contact me.

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for leaders who want coaching towards greater clarity, purpose and success. We are all leaders (whether we know it or not) as we all have influence. So the question is, what are you doing with your influence?

Wherever you are on your leadership journey, I hope that you find resources on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and coaching them to achieve their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

How to Build Confidence in Public Speaking

Do you get nervous at the thought of public speaking?

If you do you are in good company. A study by the National Institute of Mental Health indicated that over 40 % of people could be considered to have glossophobia (a fear of public speaking). Another well-cited statistic from various academic surveys is that most people fear public speaking more than death!

I am a professional facilitator, coach, and communicator. I have given talks to crowds of hundreds of people and presentations to board members, politicians, senior military, and even royalty. People are therefore somewhat surprised that historically my most significant hurdle to public speaking was confidence.

This is not the case now and, due to my work, people assume I am extroverted. But in terms of character, I am actually introverted. Although I enjoy social interactions, I find them draining and I must harness my energy to be outgoing, upbeat and take centre stage. It doesn’t come naturally.

What’s more, since childhood, I have harboured unhelpful fears of looking foolish in front of people and an overactive imagination that provides me with hundreds of ways that I could be shamed if I were foolish enough to try to stand up and talk to a crowd, especially to a bunch of strangers!

So, what changed?

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An experience that challenged my assumptions about public speaking

I used to think some people were born confident. I used to believe some folks were just natural public speakers. One personal experience helped to change these assumptions.

It happened at a time when I was working backstage during a large event. It was taking place in a theatre in London’s West End. The theatre could seat over a thousand people, and it was packed. I was running all the back-stage operations which included helping presenters with any technical support.

The speaker that day was well-known and very highly regarded. I had seen him many times, on various stages, speaking to audiences of hundreds, sometimes thousands, much as he was about to do now. I had watched in awe as he strode about, effortlessly unpacking intellectual themes and making them understandable to us mere mortals.

It was seconds before he was due to go on stage, the music was queuing up ready for his entrance. In the dark wings of the theatre, between props and backdrops, I stepped up to him to do a final check on his microphone. As I drew close, I could hear him whispering to himself, head down, hands fluttering about. He glanced up, catching my eye and faltering for a moment. I did not know whether he was doing vocal exercises, practising part of his talk or reciting some positive affirmations, but I could see that he was nervous. I was shocked; I literally couldn’t believe it. Him? Nervous?

One way or another it certainly did not seem to impact him. I finished with the microphone, and he stood up straight, faced the stage and walked into the blinding lights to loud applause. Seconds later the audience was silent and hanging onto every word conveyed by his steady voice. And all I could do was stand dumbfounded backstage thinking, hang on, that guy had stage fright moments ago! This giant of public speaking! And you know what? It was one of the most liberating of little moments I have had the privilege to witness.

Ok, what did I learn?

Confidence is a frame of mind that you can develop

You don’t have to be born confident to be a good public speaker. In fact, research shows that you don’t need to have innate self-belief, it can be developed. Neuroscientist Dr Ian Robertson, author of How Confidence Works, has identified that confidence comes down to two core beliefs. He calls these ‘can do’ and ‘can happen’. In other words, you need both the belief that you can do something coupled with the idea that an action can happen and affect the external world.

In this context, you can build both beliefs. For example, have you ever had a conversation with more than one other person at the same time? Most likely you have, even if just around the dinner table. Well done, you have just proven to yourself that you can speak to groups of people.

Another thought. Have you ever said something that someone has found interesting or changed the way someone has thought or behaved? If so, then you also have proof that your communication does have an impact. It can happen. What you say matters to people; you just need to find your audience.

The more instances you can think of to reinforce both the can do and can happen the better. These will strengthen your self-belief. Then build on this confidence; start small and build up. For example, talk to a small group of people you know, just for a few minutes. It could just be a joke or a short story. By doing this you build experience and confidence to increase the size of the audience and length of what you are going to say.

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Courage is a decision, not an innate quality

Similarly, with confidence, people often assume that courage is innate, something some people are born with. But this is also a false assumption. As Winston Churchill said:

“Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.”

Winston Churchill

We all feel fear. It is a natural psychological reaction to certain situations. This is the in-built fight, flight or freeze response which primarily helps us when we face physical danger. The problem is, the mind has the same response to perceived social danger, as we experience during public speaking.

This can lead to amygdala hijack, the situation where more primal parts of the brain override our more rational brain. This leads to several things but notably that we cannot think straight, and our body is flooded with adrenaline. Therefore, in the case of public speaking, we are likely to forget what we want to say (because we can’t access the pre-frontal cortex), our hearts beat faster, and we start to sweat.

And what is the best way to deal with this? Breathe. Breathing exercises, such as the 5:5:5 technique (breathe in for a count of 5, hold for 5 and out for 5) are proven ways to help manage stress responses.

The other thing is to change your mindset. As comedian Deborah Frances-White points out in her excellent (and highly entertaining) TED talk, you need to stop thinking like prey when you get on stage and take the attitude of the predator. You need to own the space; boldly stalk around the stage while maintaining eye contact with your audience. Do not shrink behind the lectern or hide at the back of the stage.

And fake it until you make it because, as Amy Cuddy tells us, our physiology impacts our psychology. In other words, even if you don’t feel self-assured, forcing your body into a confident posture (e.g. standing tall, maintaining eye contact and not crossing your arms) will actually change your mindset. You will start to feel more confident.

Communication happens when we connect with people

The final thing to help your confidence and courage is to remember that audience is just made up of people like you. As Brené Brown (author of Dare to Lead) says:

“People, people, people are just people, people, people.” 

It doesn’t matter what title they hold, or how rich or famous they are, they are all just human. Many of our assumptions, like those I had of the speaker in my story, are wrong.

Brené Brown also points out why we feel nervous when public speaking; because we make ourselves vulnerable. But that is an opportunity. Vulnerability gives us an opportunity to be authentic. And guess what, other normal humans also feel afraid at times, so these shared feelings can help create empathy. Acknowledging our fear can even help build rapport with an audience.

So, when you look at the audience remember they are like you. If it helps, picture them as school kids, but no matter what, remember that they certainly were all school kids before they were whatever they are now. People are just people.

The positive psychology of public speaking

Do I still get nervous? Yes. Can I effectively manage those feelings and be a successful public speaker? Yes. Can you too? Again, yes.

Mark Twain is accredited with saying:

“There are two types of speakers: those that are nervous and those that are liars”.

So don’t worry about being worried. You can build confidence. If you choose, you can be courageous. You can use your feelings to build a deeper connection with your audience.

But you do need to practice. So, think of an opportunity where you can stretch yourself a little and develop your speaking. Is nothing specific coming up? Then think of an anecdote, an experience from your life. Pick something fun! Take a few minutes to craft that story, maybe write it down and then say it out loud to yourself. Look at your body language; force yourself to look and sound assured. By doing so you are programming your brain; pre-wiring synapses and setting the conditions of confidence. Then hold onto the story and wait for an opportunity to share it with others.

And if you would like to read more about public speaking do take a look at:

How to Improve Your Public Speaking Skills

and

How to Overcome Your Fear and Learn to Love Public Speaking

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for leaders who want coaching towards greater clarity, purpose and success. We are all leaders (whether we know it or not) as we all have influence. So the question is, what are you doing with your influence?

Wherever you are on your leadership journey, I hope that you find resources on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and coaching them to achieve their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

Building Rapport: How to Start Conversations With Anyone

How do you feel about talking to people you don’t know? Are you good at building rapport with strangers? Are you confident about speaking to anyone and everyone?

Imagine you are at a party and don’t know anyone, or you are arriving at a new workplace. Maybe what comes to mind is speaking to an attractive stranger at the bar.

What thoughts are going through your head?

Are you getting flashbacks to your first day at school? Is your heart beginning to race?

These negative thoughts and feelings are not universal, but they are common. For some people these sorts of situations are not a bother, they just go up and start chatting. But for those of you (like me) who don’t find this natural, I can share some helpful psychology to help you start a conversation with someone new. As an introvert, it has taken time, practice, and the application of neuroscience to become comfortable with initiating conversations with strangers. But it is possible to build rapport with almost anyone, and you can even learn to enjoy it.

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How to approach someone you don’t know and start to build rapport

If you want to talk to someone new, the first thing you must do is to approach them. That is (literally) the first step. The approach is all about the 3 Bs: BeliefBreathing and Body Language.

Believe that you can have a good conversation

Confidence, according to neuroscientist Professor Ian Robertson, is about the twin beliefs of can do and can happen. In other words, you must believe that you can do something (you have the innate ability) and that it can happen (that the action can take place in the external world).

When you are threatened by negative speech in your mind, focus on facts. Have you ever spoken to someone you don’t know before? Think of a good example, hold it in mind, this proves you can do. Now think of a good conversation you have had with another person; it could be anyone (not just a stranger). Have you got something in mind? That shows that a good conversation can happen. Even just bringing these examples to mind will help prime your brain for the next time you speak to someone so take time to remember good examples and then visualise how a good meeting might go.

Take a deep breath before you approach someone

If you find speaking to people daunting, then it is likely that you will feel nervous. This fear triggers the fight or flight response, resulting in an adrenaline release, increased heart rate and sweat. The best way to combat this natural phenomenon is with another one; taking slow deep breaths. You might want to use a breathing technique such as 5:5 breathing (breath in for a count of 5, out of a count of 5) to help you. But, if you are taking some breaths, don’t stand there staring at the person you want to talk to, that could get weird!

Maintain good body language while networking

Posture is important. If you hold yourself in a confident manner, then you will start to feel more confident. That is because (as psychologist Amy Cuddy expounds) your physiology can override your psychology. So, stand tall, shoulders back, smile and keep your posture open (not crossing arms and legs). Get ready to walk confidently towards the other person. Walk at a relaxed, normal pace, getting ready to look the person in the eyes and smile. Ignore any butterflies in the tummy and keep breathing slowly and deeply.

Got the 3 Bs sorted? Then you are on the way! Next, we can start the conversation.

How to enter a conversation with a stranger

To start talking to someone remember PIP: proximity, inquisitiveness, and positivity.

Proxemics: getting the right social proximity for small talk

If you want to initiate a conversation, you must get within a socially acceptable distance from the person. This is where the science of proxemics can help us. In Western culture, 18 – 48 inches (45-120 cm) is considered personal space, the sort of zone you are aiming for to have a conversation. Closer to 18 inches, you are in their intimate space, and this can quickly become uncomfortable, so bear this in mind even if you are in a loud bar or crowded room. As a gauge, think about a good distance as being about an arm’s length away from the other person.

Be inquisitive; ask good questions (convo starters) and listen well

Once you have introduced yourself (keep it simple, a salutation and your name are a good start) ask a question. Make it a genuine one, not a cliché such as “Do you come here often?” Think of something you actually want to know that relates to the situation. For example, if you are at a gig you can ask them their opinion of the last song, if you are at a party you could ask something about the food or drink. It is worth having an initial question in mind and I will often think of one before I walk over to chat to someone.

Once you have asked a question, stay inquisitive. Concentrate on listening to what the other person has to say. Then ask further questions following their answers. These can be interspersed with your comments and their return questions (you don’t want it to feel like an interrogation), but the important thing is to give your attention to the other person and what they are saying. Aim for active, empathetic listening.

Don’t try to be smart, just be genuinely interested. This is an under-emphasised part of rapport building. Often cited techniques such as empathy, finding common ground, and mirroring speech and mannerisms are all dependent upon properly listening to someone. So, pay attention!

Be positive to help deepen the connection

You are now in conversation, well done! The best way to keep things going and to end well is to remain positive, even if the other person is not. The first part of being positive is remaining in that good posture. Keep smiling, retain eye contact and stay tall.

Don’t fall into the trap of negativity. It is tempting to bond with people by criticising something, in the hope of building common ground, but it is better to focus on the positives. Negative comments and feelings are proven to create strong bonds and you don’t want to associate yourself with these hooks, be that consciously or unconsciously. If someone says something negative, you don’t just have to agree or disagree. Remember, be inquisitive. If you deem a comment to be negative or untrue you might say, “That is interesting, why do you say that?”

Giving compliments is another way to keep things positive, but as with questions, make sure they are genuine. Be cautious when complimenting someone’s looks or even their outfit. If you are paying attention to what the other person is saying it is easy (and natural) to make complimentary remarks. As conversation flows the other person is likely to share a skill, trait, or experience that you don’t have. These are easy things to compliment in a genuine way. For example, whenever I meet someone who can speak multiple languages or has mastered a musical instrument, I am genuinely in awe, and it is easy to compliment such things.

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How to finish the conversation

Conversations must come to an end. So, similarly to having a question to start a conversation, also have an exit strategy.

Finish well

Try and finish well. Our brains are most likely to remember the beginning and end of something due to what is known as the serial effect and primacy and recency biases. Therefore, try to end on a high. And that is not about ending with a clever remark, it is about how you feel. Emotions shape our memory more strongly than data and people are more likely to remember you if the feelings related to that memory are positive.

Ending a good discussion

So, keep doing what you have been doing. Be positive, smile, and stay interested in the other person. Just don’t outstay your welcome. If the other person starts to give shorter answers, glances at their watch or away to other parts of the room (such as the exit) then these are all cues that it is time to wrap up. Ideally, you want to finish a conversation before these behaviours manifest, but that can’t always be helped. So, when you do pick up on the signals then get ready to finish. Once again, be nice. You can say – genuinely – how much you enjoyed meeting them and the conversation.

Getting contact details when networking

If you want to keep in contact with that person, now is the time to ask. It is a judgement call as to how to go about this. A phone number is quite a big deal so think before you ask. An email often feels less intimate, and some social media platforms (such as LinkedIn) are relatively low-pressure ways to stay connected. Hopefully, your conversation will give you some context and clues as to the best way to connect.

And if they say no, don’t worry and don’t take it personally. Just say “No problem, lovely to meet” or something similar. If someone you have just met does not want to share their details, then don’t feel rejected. If you enjoyed the conversation, then that should be a reward in itself. You should also feel more confident as you have proved that speaking to strangers is something you can do and good discourse can happen.

Ending a bad conversation

It does not matter how attractive, rich, famous, intelligent, or successful someone is, if they are rude, negative, or dismissive of you, they are not worth spending time with. If someone is behaving negatively, just end the conversation politely and walk away. Don’t take it personally. Being rude or a bore is the other person’s problem, not yours. Don’t carry their negativity; take confidence from the fact that you were brave enough to try, compliment yourself on remaining civil and then take thanks that you don’t have to spend your time with someone who is an emotional drain.

The things to remember when building rapport and speaking to someone you don’t know

Hopefully, you can now see that with the help of a little science, we can all be more confident in speaking to strangers and having good conversations with people we have just met. I can speak from experience, as an introvert, that knowing a little bit of psychology can go a long way and I have gone from being a nervous introvert to enjoying meeting new people.

Just remember, before you approach someone, have belief in yourself, take a breath and maintain a good body posture.

Get to the right proximity to the other person, be inquisitive and remain positive.

Finally, finish well. Be alert to any signs that the conversation needs to end. Don’t outstay your welcome. Be sensitive if you want contact details and don’t take rejection personally. Finally, permit yourself to exit a negative dialogue.

After all, the end of one conversation is just the opportunity to start another. So, what are you waiting for?

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for leaders who want coaching towards greater clarity, purpose and success. We are all leaders (whether we know it or not) as we all have influence. So the question is, what are you doing with your influence?

Wherever you are on your leadership journey, I hope that you find resources on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and coaching them to achieve their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!