Values are central; they go to the very core of us, to our personal identity.  Our principles are perhaps the most important things as, whether or not we live out our dream or achieve our mission, they are most likely to remain intact. Values are a foundation and a plumb line as well as a moral compass.

“We are not in control, principles control. We control our actions, but the consequences that flow from these actions are controlled by Principles.”  Stephen R. Covey

Our decisions and actions flow from our principles and in this way our values help to define us; they are part of our identity.  Our exploration and discovery of our principles is therefore a discovery of self.  As one anonymous observer noted: “Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.  Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.”

So what do we know about our own identity?  What do we value in ourselves and others?

Think about the first two questions you are generally asked when you meet someone.  If you are from the UK, the US or a large part of the world it is likely to be “what is your name?” (usually meaning your first name) quickly followed by “what do you do?”

What are people really asking when they enquire about what you do?  They are asking about your job, profession or vocation for sure.  But the fact that this comes out so quickly when we meet people indicates how highly we rate work in our culture and how closely we identify ourselves with what we do.  When people ask what you do they are actually asking who you are.  They are hoping for an answer that will help them quickly categorise you.

What do you do?

I went along with this for many years because, for a long time, it was easy.  I started out as an Army Officer working as a bomb disposal expert.  This was an easy title, and one I enjoyed using, as it sounded impressive.  I enjoyed seeing the raised eyebrows and the endearing look of respect (that I so little deserved in reality).  Next, I was a Project Manager, working in the construction industry.  Again an easy label, although I must admit it sounded less impressive at parties than something with ‘Bomb’ in the title.  But hey, I was married by then so who was I trying to impress anyway?  Well everyone actually!

The real challenge came with my next job, working for a rapidly growing church.  My job description was constantly evolving and therefore it was hard to describe exactly what I did, especially as I was not actually a church minister.  I found that introducing myself generally required a long explanation.  The process of outlining what I did was just long enough to watch people’s eyes glaze over, stare down their drinks or look furtively towards the exit.

When I moved on again and started working as a management consultant it was not really any easier, as the title ‘consultant’ invokes so many different things.   You may be motivated by helping individuals and equipping organisations, but one has a lot of justification to do when people look at you with an expression that seems to imply ‘consultant’ is synonymous with ‘parasite’!

Training dolphins to be government assassins

And then, at one networking event, I had a moment of clarity.  I started introducing myself in this way: “Hi, I’m Simon, I train dolphins to be government assassins.”  Once again I had attained the level of eyebrow movement that I have attained as a bomb disposal officer (but I guess more out of surprise than respect).  Life was easy once again (for a moment at least) but it did make me think. Why do people, including me, care so much about titles?  Why would I be prepared to embellish or even make up something about what I do? What does it say about me? The answers to these questions are pretty challenging.

Are we just what we do?

If asked about your identity, like me, you may not initially answer beyond your name and job but of course, there is much more to us than that.  One way we can discover something more about our identity is by what we think when we look at other people.  As we walk down a street, enter a room or sit staring out of a café window we are constantly assessing those around us.  We compare looks, wealth, car, house, job, children, happiness, clothes, phone.  In conversation, this process continues through things like accent, vocabulary, demeanour, politics, religion, aspirations and education.

Of course, much of what we first think is not real; we try to make a value judgement in a fleeting moment, judging the book by its cover.  Not surprisingly this process actually tells us more about us than about the other person, because how we classify others speaks volumes about how we perceive ourselves.  If we are putting someone else in a certain box or on a certain level what does that say about our position?  I for one did not think I had a pride problem until I thought about this!

Even this internal classification can be somewhat misleading.  We all have roles that we play and we often wear masks that represent an aspirational self, the person we want to show to the world, rather than the real us.  But even if this ideal self is not the true self we can learn more of ourselves. This is because even if we are aspiring to be something or someone else it once again reveals what we value.

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What is your worldview? What are your beliefs?

Work, position, pension, benefits package and job title can be important to us.  Our perception of our perfect partner, spouse and family can be the more presentable faces of simple base motivators.  Money, sex and power have always been identified as strong drivers, even if they are hidden under more subtle layers of respectability.  Our identity can also be wrapped up in more ethereal things.  Our worldview, philosophy, faith or politics can define us because they affect the way we live.

None of these things needs to be necessarily good or bad in themselves, but for everything we prioritise we need to ask why we care about it so that we can understand it further and get under the skin of our thinking.  We need to be aware of the things around which we construct our lives.  We need to be certain of the foundation we are building upon.

Worth-ship

If we value something very highly we give it worth above other things or even ultimate worth. We build our lives around it. This prioritising, giving position, reverence or regard was called ‘worschipe’ in Middle English.  Today its name is ‘worship’.  In other words, even if you do not consider yourself religious we all give something religious value.

Here is some insight from the influential writer David Foster Wallace on the subject:

“Because here’s something else that’s weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship.

And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship — be it JC or Allah, bet it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles — is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive.”

The Importance of knowing where your priorities and values lie

David Foster Wallace then goes on to illustrate the dangers we face:

“If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It’s been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth upfront in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they’re evil or sinful, it’s that they’re unconscious. They are default settings.

They’re the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that’s what you’re doing.”

We may not believe in God but we all choose to give something ultimate worth and choose to build our lives around it. It is important that we know what that thing is and ask ourselves why we value it so highly.

Digging down to our principles

Self-exploration can be a scary journey but it is an essential one.  We need to know about our principles because what happens when these things are challenged or even taken away? What are we left with?  Are our values vulnerable?  If they come under attack could everything else come tumbling down?  We face long-term insecurity if our values are unreliable or temporal things, even if they are good things such as people or helpful things such as possessions.

So what are your values? How do they affect your identity? I would encourage you to take some time out to reflect seriously on these questions.

You can explore these questions and discover more about your own values by reading: What are your personal values?

“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.”  St. Augustine

What next?

You may want also want some help, delving deeper into your values and identifying your goals. I have the pleasure of seeing amazing, positive, transformations in the individuals and organisations I work with. If you would like some assistance too, in person or online, then please do drop me a line. You can email me via the contact page.

Imposter syndrome is a psychological condition but one that can be summed up very simply: it is about feeling a fraud. It is the fear that we cannot live up to other people’s expectations or that we do not deserve our position, accolades or the praise people give us. We are scared of being found out; our weaknesses and failures are laid bare.

Ironically it is high performing people with multiple accomplishments that most suffer from this mindset. This is not necessarily surprising. As Albert Einstein observed:

“The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.”

Albert Einstein

And there is more. Unless we are delusional, we all know we are imperfect, that we could be better. That is a fact. But it becomes a problem if we then assume that this knowledge makes us unworthy or unfit. It is this negative assumption that leads to imposter syndrome.

So, what do we do to re-set our brains? The critical shift comes in remembering that what we do or what we know is less important than why we do what we do. It is our values that define us, not our job title.

Personal identity and how it is affected by your values

Our values are pivotal to who we are; they go to the very core of us, to our personal identity.  Values are a foundation to our character and the plumb line of our standards, as well as being a moral compass. Our values drive who we are and what we do.

“We are not in control, principles control. We control our actions, but the consequences that flow from these actions are controlled by Principles.”  Stephen R. Covey

Our exploration and discovery of our principles is therefore a discovery of self.  As one anonymous observer noted:

“Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.  Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.”

What do we value in ourselves and others?

If we want to understand who we are and what we value it is worth starting with our perceptions of other people. Think about the first two questions you are generally asked when you meet someone.  It is likely to be “what is your name?” (usually meaning your first name) quickly followed by “what do you do?”

What are people really asking when they enquire about what you do?  They are asking about your job, profession, or vocation for sure.  But the fact that this comes out so quickly when we meet people indicates how highly we rate work in our culture and how closely we identify ourselves with what we do.

What do you do?

I went along with this for many years because, for a long time, it was easy.  I started out in the Army, working as a bomb disposal officer.  This was an easy title, and one I enjoyed using, as it sounded impressive.  I enjoyed seeing the raised eyebrows and the endearing look of respect (that I so little deserved in reality).

Next, I was a Project Manager, working in the construction industry.  Again, an easy label, although I must admit it sounded less impressive at parties than something with ‘bomb’ in the title.  But hey, I was married by then so who was I trying to impress anyway?  Well, everyone actually!

The real challenge came with my next job, working for a rapidly growing church.  My job description was constantly evolving and therefore it was hard to describe exactly what I did, especially as I was not actually a church minister.  I found that introducing myself generally required a long explanation.  The process of outlining what I did was just long enough to watch people’s eyes glaze over, stare down their drinks or look furtively towards the exit.

When I moved on again and started working as a management consultant it was not really any easier, as the title ‘consultant’ invokes so many different things.   You may be motivated by helping individuals and equipping organisations, but one has a lot of justification to do when people look at you with an expression that seems to imply ‘consultant’ is synonymous with ‘parasite’!

Training dolphins to be government assassins

And then, at one networking event, I had a moment of clarity.  I started introducing myself in this way: “Hi, I’m Simon, I train dolphins to be government assassins.”  Once again, I had attained the level of eyebrow movement that I have attained as a bomb disposal officer (but I guess more out of surprise than respect).

Life was easy once again (for a moment at least) but it did make me think. Why do people, including me, care so much about titles?  Why would I be prepared to embellish or even make up something about what I do? What does it say about me? The answers to these questions are pretty challenging.

Are we just what we do?

When people ask what you do, they are actually asking who you are.  They are hoping for an answer that will help them quickly categorise you. It is a simple heuristic – to judge someone by what they do – but it also reveals our cognitive biases.

As we walk down a street, enter a room, or sit staring out of a café window we are constantly assessing those around us.  We compare looks, wealth, car, house, job, children, clothes, phone.  Much of our happiness hangs upon these comparisons.

In conversation, this process continues through things like accent, vocabulary, demeanour, politics, religion, aspirations, and education. When people share their job, we jump to all sorts of conclusions. And herein lies another irony; by making these judgements we can also make other people suffer from imposter syndrome too!

I have been guilty of this. I remember back to when one good friend of mine, a talented musician and artist, told me they were going to become a lawyer. I was shocked. I could not link what I knew of my friend – this warm, creative, caring soul – with my (quite negative) perceptions of the legal profession. But when I heard about why he wanted to become a lawyer, how he wanted to help those in need, I started to get it. Now, many years later, he is a senior partner in a law firm. I can see how his creative approach to his work and his love for people brings healing to broken situations. I can see why he pursued that career.

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We judge others but suffer from imposter syndrome too

As proven above, many of our initial assumptions can be wrong. We try to make a value judgement in a fleeting moment, judging the book by its cover.  Not surprisingly this process reveals more about us than about the other person because how we classify others speaks volumes about how we perceive ourselves.  If we are putting someone else in a certain box or on a certain level what does that say about our own self-worth or social position?  I for one did not think I had a pride problem until I thought about this!

And pride can take us even further. We all have roles that we play, and we often wear masks that represent an aspirational self. We build up a persona to hide our imposter syndrome.

We present the idealised version of self that we want to show to the world, rather than the real us.  If you think you are exempt from this, then just reflect upon how you present yourself on social media. Is it your whole self, or a carefully curated representation?

It is not what we do, but why we do it

So, if we want to overcome imposter syndrome we have to be brutally honest with ourselves. We need to ask, how do we want to be seen and why do we care? We can challenge how we see ourselves, as well as how other people perceive us, if we examine why we do what we do. Remember, the why is more important than the what. Think about your own work situation and role:

• What passions and dreams led you to what you are doing now?
• What do you love (and hate) most about what you do?
• How does your job fit into your longer-term vision of success?
• How does your work impact what you care about?
• If you could do anything, what would that be?
• What do you aspire to achieve through your vocation?
• Where do you want to get to in your career and why?

Don’t shy away from the answers. We may not be in our dream job. That does not mean failure. Sometimes we just need money to support our family, but that reveals how we value those we love. Other times we are doing a role as a stepping-stone to something else. We are conscious of the role not being the endpoint.

But we need to ask these questions and examine our motivations. If we don’t we can forget why we were doing the job in the first place. I have coached people who have become successful in their field, promoted to high positions, but unhappy. When they stopped to ask questions like the ones above, they realised that their career was based upon other people’s expectations, not their own. Don’t fall into this trap; ask the questions now.

Re-thinking how we value ourselves and others

We are all at risk from imposter syndrome and assuming that we are not good enough. And there is some truth in that; that is why it is such a powerful belief. None of us is perfect. We can all be better. So, flip the negative side of imposter syndrome to a more positive one. This other side is about having a growth mindset, continually learning, being willing to fail but improving through experience. It is also about being humble. A humble character stops us from being full of pride and gives us greater respect and empathy for others.

If we want to shift our mindset, we need to shift our focus from what we do to why we are doing it. Our identity is tied to our vocation but it is not the job title that defines us: it is the reasons that motivate our work that is important. Our passions, principles and values say more about us than any job title.

And next time you meet someone, go ahead and ask them their name and what they do, but follow up with questions to find out some more. Get curious about why they do what they are doing. Get into a conversation about what people are passionate about; not just a competition over job titles.