A Coach or Mentor – Same Same but Different?

The terms coaching and mentoring are often used synonymously but in professional terms, there are some subtle yet important differences. Having worked as both a coach and a mentor it is not that one is better than the other, it is that they are slightly different approaches to achieve slightly different things.

It is also worth noting that in practice there can be considerable overlap between the two but mixing up the terms can be confusing and frustrating (Nieuwerburgh, 2014). Therefore, the differences in emphasis and approach are important to know, especially if you are looking for either a coach or a mentor and trying to work out what would suit you best.

What does it mean to be a mentor?

A mentor is someone who is generally more experienced and who passes on that knowledge to someone who is less experienced within a certain area of expertise. The mentor is often someone older but not necessarily so; it is more about the mentor having specialist knowledge that they can impart to the person being mentored.

A classic example would be a senior manager within a company being the mentor for a more junior manager in the same company (but also someone who is generally not in a direct day-to-day line management relationship).

What does it mean to be a coach?

A coach supports a client in achieving a specific personal or professional goal generally through the facilitation of learning by the coachee.

There is no one definition for coaching as a profession but there are some common themes that come out of coaching literature. Coaching can be described as:

Unlocking people’s potential to maximise their own performance. (Whitmore 2009: 11)

Or

The art of facilitating the performance, learning and development of another. (Downey, 2003:21)

Simply put, coaching is about helping someone to become more effective in their life and work. As with mentoring, this primarily happens through one-to-one conversations.

A typical example of coaching would be a client employing a coach for a defined number of sessions to address a specific challenge or achieve a particular aim, such as improving work-life balance.

Coaching and Mentoring Differences Made Simple

As with the varying definitions, there are also various comparisons available but it is important to remember that it is hard to always fix hard boundaries between the two disciplines.

A good simple summary of the difference between coaching and mentoring is outlined by Jonathan Passmore in his book Excellence in Coaching (Passmore, 2010:5) and replicated in the table below:

	Coach	Mentor
1. Level of formality	More formal: contract or ground rules set, often involving a third-party client	Less formal: agreement, most typically between two parties
2. Length of contract	Shorter term: typically between 4 and 12 meetings agreed over 2 to 12 months	Longer term: typically unspecified number of meetings with relationships often running over 3 to 5 years
3. Focus	More performance focussed: typically a greater focus on short-term skills and job performance	More career focussed: typically concerned with longer-term career issues, obtaining the right experience and longer-term thinking
4. Level of sector knowledge	More generalist: typically coaches have limited sector knowledge	More sector knowledge: typically mentors have knowledge of organisation or business sector
5. Training	More relationship training: typically coaches have a background in psychology, psychotherapy or HR	More management training: typically mentors have a background in senior management
6. Focus	Dual focus: more typically a dual focus on the needs of the individual and the needs of the organisation	Single focus: more typically a single focus on the needs of the individual

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References

• Passmore, J. (ed) (2010) Excellence in Coaching. 2nd edn. London: Kogan Page.
• Whitmore, J (2009) Coaching for Performance: GROWing Human Potential and Purpose: The Principles and Practice of Coaching and Leadership, 4^th London: Nicholas Brealey.
• Downey, M (2003) Effective Coaching: Lessons from the Coach’s Coach, 2^nd London: Texere.
• Van Nieuwerburgh, C. (2014) An Introduction to Coaching Skills. London: Sage.

When coaching individuals and groups one of the most common areas for development that people ask for is around improving public speaking or presentation skills. This reflects the fact that, for all the advances in technology, most jobs require that we stand up in front of other people and have to talk to them coherently. Even with all the power of social media and other multiple communication means, nothing can beat the persuasive power of a good speech delivered in person.

Not all of us are going to be the next Martin Luther King Jr, Steve Jobs, Winston Churchill or Chris Rock, but we can all improve our public speaking and presentation skills, no matter what our existing level. Whatever your role, improving your verbal communication will help you in the future. If you want to progress as a leader then refining your public speaking will be of particular benefit.

Here are some techniques and resources that can help you. Whether you are a beginner or relatively experienced, these tips that can aid you immediately and demonstrate how you can develop in the future.

Overcoming Stage Fright

Public speaking can be scary. Various surveys have placed public speaking as one of the top ten fears, frequently showing that people are more anxious about presenting to a group than about their own death!

That means that the first battle in public speaking is overcoming stage fright. There are some good evolutionary reasons why standing up in front of a group can feel scary; there are also some great physiological hacks that can be employed to overcome this anxiety.

Having the right posture and body language can immediately change the way you feel and improve the quality or your public speaking. Walking confidently towards an audience, looking directly at them with a smile and an open posture, will set you off on the right start (even if you are not feeling necessarily confident and happy inside).

By holding our bodies in a certain way and projecting openness and confidence, not only do we reassure the audience, we also calm ourselves. Simply put, the physical signals from our body start to tell our brain that everything is ok and you start to overcome the ‘freeze, fight or flight’ response to stress.

Early on in my speaking career I was encouraged to study stand-up comedians, as they are the masters of public speaking. For a good stand-up comedian it is not just about giving a message or even telling a joke; it is about reading the emotional temperature of a room and then connecting with people to up that temperature. That is why people talk about a ‘warm-up act’ and why comedians are often used as compères or master of ceremonies at events.

Here is an excellent TED talk that highlights some of the key approaches in turning stage fright into stage fun:

Charisma versus Stage Fright

The Importance of Body Language

We have already seen how important our posture and body language is in overcoming stage fright, but this importance does not decrease once we start to speak. This is because our sub-conscious is fine-tuned to pick up non-verbal signals from people. When we listen we also observe to check that people’s body language match what people are saying. If there is a mismatch we are unlikely to engage with that person or trust what they are saying.

• Here are some examples of negative body language and posture:
• Folding arms (can appear defensive)
• Wringing hands or fidgeting (appears nervous)
• Avoiding eye contact (appears nervous or untrustworthy)
• Can’t keep still (appears anxious and projects avoidance)
• Face and eyes downcast (appears unhappy, reduces energy and volume)

In the same way that mirroring body language helps to build rapport in one-to-one conversations, actively ensuring good body language helps to build connection with an audience.

Here is another excellent TED talk that builds on the theme of body language and how our psychology and physiology are intrinsically linked:

Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are

The Power of a Story

Humans love stories. We can’t stop making and sharing stories; we gossip, we read novels, we watch films. Story telling has been the method, and stories the structure, for passing on knowledge, wisdom and insight over millennia. Telling a good story is a sure way to engage with an audience. What’s more, it is easier to remember a story than a list of bullet points and is much more fun for both the speaker and the listeners!

Personal stories can be particularly good as – when told with humility – they are genuine, heartfelt and build empathy with a crowd. Your own stories are also the easiest to remember, which can reduce concern about forgetting what you want to say. Therefore, even if you have to cover other information in your talk (particularly dry or potentially dull material) a light-hearted or pertinent story can be a good way to draw in an audience at the beginning of a presentation.

Whatever the story, it is worth thinking about the structure of the story. Work out how to tell it for the main learning points to be self-evident. First, a good tale sets the scene, starting calm and giving the background. Then, the narrative introduces some sort of challenge that needs to be faced. Tension builds to a peak and then the story illustrates how the conflict is overcome and brings a resolution. This is a basic story arc and can be used whether your story is three minutes or three hours long.

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Here is another great TED talk from Andrew Stanton on stories:

The Clues to a Great Story

How to Structure a Presentation

When you are creating a structure of a presentation you should remember to KISS. In other words: Keep it Simple Stupid! One of the best ways of doing this is having no more than three points to any talk or presentation.

There is something very powerful about the triptych or three-point approach. We have already seen that the story arc provides one three-part structure. Another is the method of:

“Tell them what you are going to say, tell them, then tell them what you have said”

This template encourages repetition to drive home the main point of a talk. It has been accredited to various luminaries from Aristotle to Dale Carnegie. No matter who first came up with it, the approach remains very popular, whether it is a preacher giving a 3-point sermon at church or a CEO delivering a keynote at an annual conference.

To do this well you need to crystallise the key idea that you want to convey both in your mind and in the mind of others. This will need the correct framing and explanation, and here again the use of story can be very helpful. As you progress through your structure make space to pose questions and leave pauses. These can heighten the emotional and intellectual connection with the audience. Also think about the ‘why?’ Why is this subject important? Why should people care? Why are you the person to share this information? Simon Sinek’s book and TED talk Start with Why can be very helpful on this subject.

In terms of communicating a simple and powerful message, this TED talk is a great place to start:

TED’s Secret of Public Speaking

How to Further Improve Your Public Speaking

There is always more to learn and ways to improve both the art and science of public speaking. As with any skill, the best way to improve is to practice. Therefore, I encourage you to take any opportunities that come your way.

There are of course classes and courses that can help you too. Individual coaching can also provide a safe and more relaxed environment to learn and practice. There are debating clubs and public speaking forums such as Toastmasters that you can join to create more opportunities to speak. One thing you can do yourself or with a friend is to film presentations or talks you are practising. In the age of smart phones this is really easy to do and the immediate feedback you get from watching a film is second to none.

There are even apps available that can help you improve your public speaking. One such app is Gweek that uses the camera on your phone and machine learning to help you improve your verbal communication. Gweek provides a great way to improve and get useful feedback without the pressure of anyone else looking at you.

There is always room for improvement so finally, to give some ideas for development areas you might want to concentrate on, look at this TED talk on some of the core skills that have been identified for good public speaking:

The 110 Techniques of Communication and Public Speaking

A Final Encouragement

As your practice improves, so will your confidence, and with confidence you will embrace vulnerability, manage your nerves and hopefully come to truly enjoy (or at least not give in to fear) of public speaking.

Do you have a story about overcoming stage fright or improving your public speaking? Please do drop me a line or share as a comment below!

There are many times in life when difficult conversations come up. Many of the most challenging chats happen with family or friends, but most people – and especially leaders – seek guidance for uncomfortable discussions that come up in a work context.

What is the most difficult conversation you have ever had?

One of the most difficult conversations I have ever had at work was having to tell my line manager that I did not think they were the right person for promotion.

I was working for a fast-growing start-up. We had started as a small team, all good friends, with quite a flat structure, but as we grew there were different demands on the team and evolving approaches needed from us leaders. My line manager was highly talented but some of the things that made this person so good at being a leader at the early stages of the organisation could start to become a problem as the team grew. Other members of the team asked me to share my thoughts and opinions with the leader concerned.

I still remember that talk vividly. Sitting down for coffee, the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the look of hurt and betrayal in their eyes as I was speaking. It was tough, but we had a conversation.

The result? He did not get the promotion.

But do you know the amazing thing? Although it was painful, and that later on, we both ended up moving on to other organisations and roles, we are both better off, and even more amazingly, we are both still friends.

I cannot guarantee that you will always have such a happy ending to a difficult conversation but here are some tips, gained from my experience and others, can really help in those tough exchanges.

What is a difficult conversation?

Here are a few issues that you are likely to face in the workplace, particularly if you are in a position of leadership: What’s the best way to challenge poor performance? How do you let someone go from a position? When do you say no to a superior? How do you stand up for a value, idea, or project when you face opposition? What should you remember when you answer challenging questions in times of crisis or failure?

Fortunately there are some approaches and tips that can help you deal with all these circumstances.

How do you prepare for difficult conversations?

Envisioning

The first thing to do is to mentally and emotionally prepare. You don’t want to be overly emotional in the moment, you want to remain as neutral as possible, and envisioning the difficult conversation can help this. Running through the conversation in your mind, imagining any questions and objections that might arise, can help you both mentally and emotionally before an interaction.

Pick your ground

In the military I was taught to ‘praise in public, criticise in private.’ You may not always have the choice but if you can, think about the environment you are going to have the difficult conversation in. A private space, a neutral one away from the office, is often a good choice.

Getting the balance right

There is a balance to preparing for a challenging exchange as over planning can make things feel rehearsed.  Too much preparation and you can lose the authenticity of the message or diminish your empathy and compassion for the other person. If you establish calm and know your main message then have the courage to take the initiative and have the conversation.

How do you stay calm?

If you have followed the preparation steps above these will aid you in starting and maintaining calm through your meeting. Here are a few more tips:

Mindfulness

Something that will also help is remaining mindful and centred. Start with your breathing. Ensure you are breathing slowly and deeply. If you feel yourself losing your calm, take a pause and breathe again.

Be mindful of your environment. This is where a neutral space can help be a calming influence and give a broader perspective to your conversation, rather than the intense magnifying glass effect of a busy office.

Pay attention to the other person. Pay attention to their body language and truly listen to what they have to say. Giving someone real attention demonstrates your respect for that person and their views, even if you disagree on something.

Be aware of your body, particularly of any tension building up. Being mindful of your body will help you with your non-verbal communication too.

Posture and Body Language

Try to keep a relatively neutral expression and an open posture. Mirroring other people’s body language is a good way to build rapport but if the other person is starting to display negative body language – angry expressions and displays, crossing arms defensively or slumping in defeat – then don’t copy them.

Maintain a relaxed (but not casual) openness. This will also help you maintain an even tone of voice and the right volume. If you tense up then tone and volume rise; if you slump and look down the opposite tends to happen. A lot of difficult conversations happen face to face, for example over a table in a coffee shop. This can be quite confrontational. You could consider going for a walk, and there are some big advantages to this (as you can read here), although bear in mind they might just walk away if you don’t gauge things correctly!

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How do you start difficult conversations?

Start with something positive, then state the facts.  This is good advice for any conversation but particularly a tricky conversation. Here is an approach that can help:

Sandwich technique 

People best remember the beginning and end of any communication. Therefore structure your response with the most difficult message in the middle and keep the start and end positively:

• Opening–a positive statement at the start with thanks and appreciation
• Middle–state the difficult facts, acknowledge the problem
• Finish–give the positive steps being taken, highlight what has been achieved and give more appreciation and thanks

The ABCD of difficult conversations

Another way to deal with difficult conversations is to use what I call the ABCD. It stands for:

• Acknowledge
• Behaviour
• Consequence
• Deal

The steps are as follows:

Acknowledge

First acknowledge that there needs to be a conversation. Take the initiative and don’t let the moment get away, even if you can’t have the full discussion right then, agree a time with the other person to discuss the matter.

Behaviour

When you get to speak to the other person focus the conversation on the behaviour, rather than the person in question. For example, don’t say something like “You are such a bad person!” Rather say, “I really think that (insert behaviour) was bad.” Separate out the individual from the action. This helps to keep things less personal and instead centres the question around a behaviour that can be addressed and changed.

Consequence

Help the person to understand why you think the behaviour was inappropriate with some evidence. Explain why the behaviour was wrong by talking about the consequences. How did their behaviour make you and others feel? What was the impact on the situation then and how is it affecting things now? 

Deal

Finally come up with a deal, an agreement of how things should be in the future. How does the behaviour need to change, what is a more positive action that can be taken instead? Both parties can share ideas and then agree on how to progress. 

How do you answer a challenging question?

It could be during the course of a difficult conversation with an employee, during a job interview, or a time of crisis but sooner or later you will face a really robust question.

Whether you have time to prepare for a hard question or not the best thing to do is remember your key message. Take a pause, however small, then answer the question and make sure that point is put across.

Here is a technique to help you do this clearly, succinctly but strongly:

Remember ‘SEX’

When delivering the difficult part of the message, the acronym ‘SEX’ can provide a useful structure:

• S (Statement) – Be direct, state honestly what the challenge or problem is, without making it personal. Communicate your main point.
• E (Explain) – Explain the context, why it is a problem or how the challenge came about.
• X (Example) – Give specific examples of what the problem is (particularly if its behaviour) and also specific examples of solutions and what can be done.

Here is an example of Steve Jobs answering a difficult question and following this framework:

In this clip he gets his most important point across in his statement, that security is important to Apple. He then explains why security is important, giving context, and then provides a specific example to prove his point; in this case how Apple ensures security regarding location and GPS on phones.

How can I improve my question and answer technique?

Role-playing

One way to get good at having difficult conversations or answering challenging questions is to use role-play. Have someone ask you a scripted or improvised set of tough questions. The more you answer, the better you will become in answering coherently and concisely while maintaining your key message.

Resources

If you want to go a little deeper into the subject and particularly the psychology behind difficult conversations I can recommend these:

How to build and re-build trust

This is a great TED talk highlighting the importance of empathy, authenticity and logic.

Games People Play by Eric Berne

Berne developed the idea of transactional analysis; psychological insight that is useful particularly in difficult conversations. You can purchase the book on Amazon through this link:

Games People Play by Eric Berne.

Reflection

Finally, as with so much in life and leadership, take time to reflect on the conversations you have had and what you could do better in the future. Whether that is through journaling, discussing with a friend, mentor or coach, or just taking some time out to think and analyse.

Being a leader means being a learner, no matter where we are on our leadership journey. Whether we are a CEO leading a multi-national business, an entrepreneur managing a start-up, or a freelancer just leading ourselves, we all have areas for development. That is why leaders need a growth mindset.

But we cannot improve everything at once so how do we identify where we need the most development as a leader? One of the easiest ways to identify areas for growth is by looking at leadership competencies; the essential skills we need as leaders and managers.

Over the years researchers have come up with extensive lists of leadership skills. We can use these as a guide to thinking about our strengths and weaknesses. Then we can think about whether those areas need personal development (where we need to improve), people to support us, or a process to ensure that work gets done effectively.

My own leadership skill development

I initially trained as a civil engineer. This gave me the technical skills, and some credibility, in early jobs in the military and then leading other engineers and tradespeople in industry. I progressed from engineer to team leader to project manager.

I put effort into developing my human, interpersonal skills, and as I gained further responsibility, my conceptual skills developed too. Being part of a start-up for a few years really helped this area of growth. All this allowed me to take on more general management roles at increasingly senior levels.

As I have developed as a leader and taken roles in senior management those initial technical skills have become less important. Most of my work now has very little to do with engineering as such. I now rely much more on my human and conceptual skills. For example, my work as a leadership coach relies heavily on my interpersonal skills whereas my strategy consulting work is very dependent upon my conceptual skills.

As you can see, my professional career followed quite a classic trajectory. It is a journey through different types and levels of competencies. This sort of progression, and the specific areas of skills, have been well studied and documented.

The essential types of leadership skills

One of the most well-known of these skill development frameworks comes from the research of Robert Katz. He divided leadership skills into 3 primary domains. These were:

• Technical
• Human
• Conceptual

You will notice these categories in my own story but now let’s look at each in more detail.

1. Technical skills

Technical skills relate to the competency and specialist knowledge of a worker or manager. These are primarily the trade skills you need to operate in your profession or industry. This framework recognises that professional knowledge and experience are the primary platforms for leading people at the lower levels of management.

For example, you might be a computer programmer. Over time, as you work and build competence, it is likely that you will be given responsibility for newer programmers. Even if you do not have an official management position, other less experienced programmers will seek you out for your knowledge. In both cases, you now have leadership influence based on your technical skills.

These technical skills are often considered alongside basic business and work skills. Putting these together you get the following list of foundational skills:

• Trade/industry knowledge and experience
• Professional qualifications
• Reading and writing skills
• Verbal communication skills
• Administration
• Budgeting
• Computer, electronic communication, and internet skills

2. Human skills

Technical skills are foundational but if we are going to work in a team then we need to overlay these with human skills. Human skills are the interpersonal skills needed to work effectively with others. These are often referred to a people skills or soft skills.

So, going back to the computer programmer example, having programming skills is not enough to make you an effective manager. You also need to get along with others. You need to learn to understand, communicate with and motivate them. Therefore, alongside the technical skills we can add these human or interpersonal skills:

• Active listening skills
• Speaking and presentation skills
• Negotiation, influence and handling conflict
• Empathy and emotional intelligence
• Coaching and mentoring
• Networking and rapport building
• Team and relationship building
• Identifying talent and people development

3. Conceptual skills

The third layer of leadership skills is conceptual skills. Conceptual skills are the cognitive competencies that give us the ability to develop ideas, solve problems and initiate strategies. These conceptual skills get more important as you gain responsibility and work with ever-larger teams.

As per the former example: if you were a programmer who worked up to become the CEO of a large tech firm, your conceptual skills now become of primary importance. You would be unlikely to spend much time writing code, so your technical skills would now be of secondary or tertiary importance. This is why very senior leaders can move to key positions in industries where they have little or no technical expertise. They are being employed for their conceptual skills.

Here are examples of a leader’s conceptual skills:

• Setting priorities
• Decision making (with understanding of bias, values and ethics)
• Vision setting
• Problem identification and problem solving
• Critical thinking
• Creative thinking
• Organisational change
• Strategic planning
• Financial planning and resource management

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Strengths and weaknesses

When I look at the lists of competencies above, I can quickly see skills that I am either stronger or weaker at. I am sure you can quickly do the same.

So how do we deal with our weaknesses? What is the most effective approach? Should we work more on our strengths or our weaknesses?

This is where we need to be self-aware but also strategic about our own development. We want to maximise our gifts but limit any downsides that could come from areas of weakness. We cannot improve everything at once, so we must prioritise our growth and yet ensure that we are still effective across the broad range of competencies.

To do this we can explore the skill sets, and how to address them, through the 3 Ps of personal growth, people, and process.

Personal Growth

As mentioned previously, leaders need to have a growth mindset. Leadership is a journey of learning and improvement. A lot of this learning is gained through experience but we also need to be proactive about our learning and set development goals.

It would be tempting to dive straight in at this point and start to work on our biggest weakness. But this would be a mistake. We can never be good at everything and that is why we consider people and processes before we go any further.

People

Leaders are nothing without the team. This is true in a very literal sense: a leader is defined by the group they are leading or influencing.

The leader is there for the team, but the team is also there for the leader. The best teams complement each other by bringing a diversity of thought and skill. In this way, as Meredith Belbin has shown, high performing teams embody all the required component parts of a team.

We do not need to excel at everything. This is actually great news. It ensures a leader remains humble and gives opportunities for every team member to contribute and shine.

A good leader can build, shape, and develop the team to ensure the right people are doing the right jobs and that there are strengths to balance out other people’s weaknesses (including their own).

For example, I am not motivated by finance and budgeting. I can budget and manage a cash flow, but I don’t enjoy it. So, I make sure I have people in my teams who can both help me with this and can keep me accountable. These are people with a passion for numbers and an eye for detail. I could spend more time working on this weakness, but I have found it more effective to find others who simply do it better than I ever will.

But what happens if you don’t get to choose your team or if there just aren’t enough people to cover all the bases?

Processes

This is where a process comes in. Put simply, a process is a system that helps people to do things. It is most useful when it is something they don’t do naturally.

For example, keeping things tidy is a strength of mine. Unfortunately, it is not a strength for everyone in my household and therefore we have a process (a shared rota and routine) to ensure that I am not left to fill and empty the dishwasher every time!

The same goes for a business, if there is something that people don’t do well naturally then institute a process. For example, many organisations employ particularly processes to run their meetings. The creation of agendas, actions and minutes support these structures.

But a word of warning: don’t let the process become the driver! The principle or the need should drive any process not the other way around. Bad behaviours creep in when people doggedly keep to a process, not willing to adapt as the situation evolves or the team changes. Build processes and use them as tools but hold them lightly.

Which skill do you most want to develop?

Now that we have identified strengths and weaknesses and considered the options of personal development, people and processes we can ask ourselves the following question: of the list of skills above, which one is the one you most need to develop, and which one do you most need to compensate for?

The first one, the skill to develop, could be a strength that you want to make your superpower or a weaker area that you just can’t ignore. The second skill, the one you need to compensate for, is probably a weakness, one that you have been able to ignore, but it is tripping you up. That is where another person or process could help.

So now set yourself two goals:

1. Skill development: Create a plan for how you are going to develop that first skill. What book, course or coach could help you? Give yourself a score of 1-10 for that skill. What would it take for you to increase your level by 1? Make that your goal.

• Skill Compensation. Find a person or create a process to help you with that. Who do you know who could help? Have you seen a system or tool that can help you? Try working with that person or process for a set time – maybe a week or month – then assess how you are doing.

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