I am healthy, I live in a great home, in a wonderful city. I have a loving family, wife, kids, and a diverse group of friends. My work is challenging and job fulfilling. But I get unhappy. Due to how fortunate I am that makes me feel guilty and in turn, more unhappy. After all, what right do I have to be unhappy?

As I am in my forties it is easy to classify this as a mid-life crisis but that does not solve the fundamental question; why am I unhappy and what can be done about it?

Happiness is not just Maslow’s hierarchy

An observer would say that, in my case, unhappiness is not logical. In terms of Maslow’s hierarchy, the levels are ticked off, at least on first inspection. My basic physiological, security and social needs are met. I have pretty good self-esteem and the respect of others. I acquire self-actualisation through my employment, pursuits, and personal development.

So why do I get unhappy?

I am not suffering from medical depression but – as we are increasingly aware – mental health is nuanced. Malaise and malcontent may not require medication, but they are still challenges. They affect our relationships and performance as well as our joy. Therefore, these feelings need to be understood, managed and treated in their own way.

And I am not alone. It is not just my work as a coach that gives me an insight into the number of people who find themselves unhappy. And it is not just people having a mid-life crisis, it is people of all ages. COVID-19 may be the pandemic, but unhappiness is endemic.

The equation of happiness?

The issue of happiness, or rather the lack of it, is developing a growing academic interest. Researchers seek to quantify and qualify what is it to be happy. Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells, relative pioneers in this field, proposed various laws of happiness in their book Engineering Happiness. The laws can effectively be summarised in the following equation:

Happiness = Reality – Shifting Expectations

This is useful, at least to a degree, as a large part of unhappiness – particularly for those in seemingly good situations – is based on unhelpful comparisons. The selectively manicured view of life on social media does nothing to help this. The fact is life can always be better, things (and people) are not perfect. But, as per the equation, we often feel the imbalance, notice the lack or get lost in the gap.

So how do we solve the problem? Does this mean that we should just have low expectations? This might be the response of cynics or ascetics. And simplifying life or managing expectations can help. But this is also not always easy nor is it necessarily the full answer to the problem. We need to understand why we have certain expectations in the first place. That is because our expectations are based on what we value.

Therefore, unhappiness can be seen as a misalignment in our values. When forced to spend our time beyond our priorities, when actions grate against our principles or when reality challenges our beliefs, we feel that imbalance. It makes us unhappy.

Creeping discontent

Sometimes this unhappiness can take us by surprise. Suddenly we are overwhelmed by the compounding of small, misaligned decisions, the incremental build-up of compromise.

When this happens to me it feels like I have been out walking in a fog. After marching on a bearing in the mist for a long time, my head pops out of the cloud, and I find that I was not where I was expecting to be. Suddenly I am faced with lots of questions. How did I get off track? What should I do now?

At times like these, the first thing I do is to re-examine my personal values. They are my moral compass. They give me direction. Therefore, I need to know whether I can trust these principles. If the precepts are still good, then I want to know, what went wrong in the process of applying them?

Examining my personal values

When coaching and exploring personal values, many people come up with work, family, and leisure as values. But I would call these priorities, and in that sense, they are subtly different. What we prioritise can be seen in where we use our resources, such as time and money. Our values reveal how we behave and perform in these priority areas.

So, for example, I may give a lot of time to my work – making it a priority – but the nature of the work I choose and how I perform in my employment is an expression of my values. To explain this more we will look at my personal core values.

The way I have expressed my core values has changed over time but the top three are being adventurous, serving to lead and being mission-focused. In my recent bout of unhappiness – aka mid-life crisis – examining each, in turn, helped reveal causes of discontentment. In turn, this knowledge gave me the starting point to change things for the better.

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Trying to live a life of adventure 

I have always dreamed of and sought adventure. Growing up I wanted to be Indiana Jones. Explorers like Ernest Shackleton are my heroes. I am a fellow of the Royal Geographical Society. I have scaled unclimbed peaks in the arctic and searched for archaeological remains in the jungles of Central America. One of the things that led me to a career in the military for a desire for adventure, which I certainly experienced on my various operational tours.

My love of adventure influences my relationships. My best friends share a love of adventure and family holidays become mini expeditions in themselves. Even when not in the wilderness I try to bring an adventurous outlook to what I do.

Sounds good right? But the fact is that now many of my responsibilities restrict opportunities for adventure. In the interests of creating a stable home life or maintaining a good level of income, adventure can be slowly stifled. The safety and stability of a good home in a safe neighbourhood can feel like a gilded cage. A cage of my own making. So, I must ask myself, how did I box myself in?

Servant leadership and the challenges of putting others first

One of the reasons is related to another value, that of serving to lead. Servant leadership puts the greater purpose and the development of others before self. Servant leadership has always been the most influential leadership model for me. It was exemplified by my father, exhorted at church when growing up, and expected of Army Officers graduating from The Royal Military Academy Sandhurst.

As well as shaping my military career this approach also led me into coaching. Coaching is about helping others to flourish and fulfil their potential. Effective coaching is a form of servant leadership.

And servant leadership is not just about professional titles. Being a parent is about as challenging as leadership gets. There is no other leadership role where I have so constantly felt so out of depth or so frequently failing in some way! In this context, servant leadership has been putting the needs of the family and the development of children ahead of other things.

So, serving can mean less adventure, and so, as a matter of circumstance, values come under tension, pulled in different directions. This stress can cause unhappiness. When this happens resentment or resignment can set in. In these circumstances, parenthood can become just another duty, work a necessary evil, marriage a transactional partnership. The underlying passion and the purpose – the reason for serving – can get lost.

Mission focus to loss of purpose

A sense of purpose is important to most people, but I am particularly wired to go after a vision, define a mission, to set and achieve goals. I like to set targets and achieve them. I enjoy working on projects – such as expeditions and operations – that have defined start and end states.

When committed to achieving an aim it brings out other characteristics. I can be very energised, determined, and focused. On the other hand, without a clear goal, I can become restless, morose, or even lazy.

The middle stage of life is often characterised by routine and process rather than big achievements or bold challenges. Sometimes the problem is even related to having achieved so much. Writer Tal Ben-Shahar, in his book Happier, calls this the arrival fallacy. As with the happiness equation, the arrival fallacy exists because our expectations of achieving something generally outstrip the reality of completing or even just striving for a goal. Even becoming the world’s best does not help, that is why there is a recognised disorder called post-Olympic depression.

So, what happens when you have achieved your goals, or you find you have lost your drive? It is easy to lose a feeling of purpose when every day seems the same. When progress is so incremental our dreams, beliefs, even our identity can come into question. At times like these, one needs some focused self-refection.

Unhappy? Start with proper self-diagnosis

Unhappy? Mid-life crisis? Not content with life? You are not alone. There is no common circumstance that causes unhappiness but there are some key insights to help diagnose the root causes. In all cases, diagnosis proceeds proper treatment. Self-inquiry comes before self-improvement. Thinking before doing.

First, we need to examine our expectations. How do they differ from our reality? Identifying and quantifying the gap helps us understand the nature and scope of our dissatisfaction. Next, we need to identify how expectations have been shaped by our values. In this way, we can identify where the tensions and misalignments are. Only then will we have sufficient knowledge to address our challenges.

This has been my recent experience. Reflection and self-examination have given me data I need to start again. I now know where I am and how I got there. Next, I can plan where I want to go next and how I am going to get there. And even just that knowledge makes me happier. Maybe the challenge can become an adventure!

Decision making is a fact of life, we have a constant barrage of information we need to analyse and choices we have to make. Here are some simple tools to help you.

The SWOT Analysis

The SWOT analysis is a simple yet effective way of doing a situational analysis and exploring the internal and external influences that are affecting an individual or organisation. SWOT stands for:

• Strengths
• Weaknesses
• Opportunities
• Threats

Strengths and weaknesses are the internal factors; opportunities and threats the external ones. The idea of the SWOT analysis is to keep things simple and concise. All that needs to be done is to record the key considerations under each heading to highlight the critical information that needs to be acted upon. The SWOT analysis is based upon a study done at Stanford University.

The Eisenhower Matrix

The Eisenhower Matrix (named after US President Dwight D. Eisenhower) is another simple yet powerful tool but in this case it is used for time management. The process is based upon identifying whether something is either important or not important, urgent or not urgent. The matrix is then made up of four boxes:

• Important, but not urgent – things that you decide when you will do them
• Urgent and important – things that should be done immediately
• Not important, not urgent – things that can be done at a later date
• Urgent but not important – things that can be delegated to someone else

Items on a to-do list are categorised into the four boxes in order to help prioritise them.

The Conflict Resolution Model

Psychologists have identified that our responses to conflict situations can be categorised in six different ways. Understanding these reactions and being able to identify them in can help to resolve or de-escalate a situation. By looking for the best way to respond good communication and relationships can be restored. The six responses are:

• Fight. The aggressive response is to try and defeat the cause of the conflict but this has a downside in business and relationships as someone has to become the loser (lose-lose)
• Flight. Running away is just avoidance; it does not solve the issue so it will still be there at a later date (win-lose)
• Give up. This is the opposite of the fight response but the result is the same; there is a loser, and therefore this should be avoided (lose-win)
• Evade responsibility. If someone cannot handle the situation they might give the responsibility to someone else. Bringing in another party generally reduces the chances of a favourable solution. (lose-lose)
• Compromise. This is when negotiation leads to a solution but one where both parties lose some ground, therefore the conflict is resolved but at a cost to both sides (win-lose/win-lose).
• Reach a consensus. This is where the conflict is turned into an opportunity where both parties can benefit; therefore it is more productive than a compromise and the best overall result (win-win).

The Making-of Model

This model was developed by The Grove consulting agency and looks at how someone’s past has an influence on their future. It is done by looking back at a specific period of time; be that a project, business venture or important period of life and then analysing it. For each time period the considerations are:

• The people involved
• The goals that were set
• The challenges that were overcome
• The successes
• What lessons were learned

This tool can be particularly helpful when crafting a CV.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Developed by the psychologist Abraham Maslow, the hierarchy categorises human needs as:

• Physiological needs (such as eating, sleeping, sex)
• Security (shelter, work, health, physical security)
• Social relationships (friends, community, love, a partner)
• Recognition (money, status, power)
• Self-actualisation (faith, self-belief, fulfilling potential, spirituality)

The first three are the basic needs and form the bottom three tiers of the triangle. If these needs are supplied a person no longer considers them. The last two (that form the top two levels of the pyramid) can never really be satisfied and are therefore areas of continual growth.

The Pareto Principle (The 80/20 Rule)

Vilfredo Pareto, an Italian economist, identified that 80% of success and good results come from just 20% of the input. In other words 20% of a company’s customers will be responsible for 80% of its revenue. 80% of a person’s results is down to 20% of their time. The key is identifying the productive 20% in any given situation and focussing on that.

The Belbin Team Model

Meredith Belbin conducted a series of studies and identified nine profiles that were needed in any successful team. They all have particular strengths and weaknesses, which is why all the roles are needed to provide balance. In summary the roles are:

• Plant – an ideas generator, good at thinking but can find it hard to focus on one thing
• Co-ordinator – a decision-maker and delegator who takes responsibility but can appear manipulative
• Shaper – a ‘can-do’ person who overcomes challenges but can be impatient
• Resource Investigator – someone who looks at possibilities and contacts external to the team; can be over-optimistic
• Implementer – action-orientated, this person is reliable but can be inflexible
• Monitor Evaluator – analytical and level headed but can be overly critical
• Team worker – fosters communication and good relationships internally but can be indecisive
• Completer Finisher – has very high standards, conscientious but can be too much of a perfectionist
• Specialist – provide specialist insight and skills but can be too narrow in their thinking