I am an introvert. But people often mistake me for an extrovert because I am a leader, confident at public speaking and can be gregarious at gatherings.

The thing is I have learned to be confident and sociable. It did not all come naturally. I am more inclined to listen than to speak, to watch from the back than to step up to the front. I had to teach myself to be more outgoing and self-confident.

And that is an important fact. You can teach yourself to be more outgoing, enjoy presentations, and be confident when public speaking. I regularly have to speak to large groups of people – often in their hundreds – and I have learned to love it. Yes, you heard me right; love it!

You don’t need to lose your introvert superpowers; embrace them but also draw on extrovert strengths to give yourself an extra boost.

Overcoming stage fright when public speaking

I first had to grapple with stage-fright in primary school. I was very self-conscious if I was called out in class or had to stand up in front of people. In these situations, I would immediately feel the panic rise and would blush, get confused, or clam up. When it came to the fight, flight or freeze stress response I would be the bunny in the headlights.

But then came The School Play.

I loved playing make-believe and (like any other kid) desperately wanted to be popular. The thought of being in the school play was both alluring and terrifying in equal measure. At this point, I must give full credit to one of my teachers. They had obviously spotted something of this conflicted dynamic in me and they cast me as the crocodile in the school production of Peter Pan.

Enter the crocodile

The crocodile? Surely that is a non-speaking part I hear you think (as an introvert you did not voice your objection out loud). But that was the point. I did not have to remember any words, I just had to play a character. Even better, I was dressed head to toe in a costume that meant that no one could recognise me.

The result was revolutionary. I was free to inhabit the stage and have fun. My stomach still tried to exit my mouth before going on, but the mask was enough to help me push through this and get onto the stage.

Then came the applause. Oh, the applause! As any introvert will know, we are just as much in need of praise as extroverts, if not more so because we are all so darned self-deprecating. The acclaim of an audience was intoxicating. I wanted more.

In terms of changing my habit loop, I had found my new reward. Now all I needed to do was link back the new confident routine to the cue of being in front of a crowd.

I can hear you musing again. You are wondering what the point of all this is. Am I expecting you to dress up as a crocodile for every public engagement?

Engage your alter-ego

The good news is no, you don’t need a crocodile suit every time you are speaking in public. Although come to think of it, it could be fun.

The real point here is that being someone else can be releasing. That is why so many famous actors are introverts. The ranks of the gloriously introverted include Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford, Gwyneth Paltrow and Julia Roberts, to name just a few. As an actor, you can be someone else. Method acting, where you continue to embody a character even when off stage or camera, is the extreme version of this.

Our fear is based on our negative assumptions of ourselves. This is the negative side of introverted humility. But you don’t need to be someone else entirely, you just need to put yourself into a different frame of mind. You need to be the best version of yourself; your mega alter-ego.

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Engage your mind

So how do you make the change? You cannot always put on a mask but even getting into certain clothes or having a certain item can help prompt this switch. It is all about associating yourself with the feelings and persona you want to embody. You envision yourself as charming, funny and confident. That envisioning process can be aided by a totemic item, such as a photo of you smiling and exuding confidence. Some actors use a similar device to get into character but it is not essential.

By clearly picturing yourself as that person, on the stage, at the party or wherever your mind will start to build constructive associations. The more senses you can engage in this process – imagining the sights, sounds and affirmative feelings of that moment – the more securely you will anchor yourself to that positive projection of the confident you.

By preparing your mind in this way you are literally prepping the synapses, so they start to fire the right way, for when you step out before the crowd.

Engage your body

Your psychology is hard-wired to your physiology. In other words, what you do with your body affects your frame of mind. Having the right posture and body language can immediately change the way you feel and improve the quality of your public speaking.

Control your breathing and using breathing techniques is the easiest, quickest and most effective way to manage the symptoms of anxiety.

After controlling your breathing, walk confidently towards an audience, looking directly at them with a smile and an open posture. This will set you off on the right start (even if you are not feeling necessarily confident and happy inside).

By holding our bodies in a certain way and projecting openness and confidence, not only do we reassure the audience, but we also calm ourselves. Simply put, the physical signals from our body start to tell our brain that everything is ok, and you start to overcome the freeze, fight or flight response.

Don’t think like a prey animal faced by a group of predators. When you take the stage, you become the alpha; the animal at the top of the food chain. You pursue them, not the other way around; so, don’t hide behind a lectern!

When you are up on show you want to avoid negative body language and posture. This includes:

• Folding arms (can appear defensive)
• Wringing hands or fidgeting (appears nervous)
• Avoiding eye contact (appears nervous or untrustworthy)
• Not keeping still (appears anxious and projects avoidance)
• Face and eyes downcast (appears unhappy, reduces energy and volume)

This takes practice and self-awareness but there is a simple hack to help start in the right way. I find it really useful and regularly employ the technique before I go in front of an audience. I learned this trick from psychologist Amy Cuddy and found it so helpful that I now teach to the people I coach.

Before I go onto a stage or in front of a crowd, I find somewhere quiet (this is often the restroom) and then look in the mirror and punch my arms into the air in the same way an athlete does when they win a race, or a fan does when their team scores a goal. This is the body language of success. Do this and smile, say “Yes!” out loud, and you will immediately transform your frame of mind. Your body language and tone will immediately be better when you step out.

You might need to do it a few times to get over being self-conscious and start to really mean it. While you do it envision that amazing version of yourself and let the transformation begin.

Engage your empathy

Empathy is another superpower of introverts so use it, especially if you are introverted. If you are more extroverted then be mindful of people’s emotions, this will further deepen your connection with them. When you are in front of a crowd, a group at work or a social gathering you are already equipped to assess their thoughts and feelings if you have emotional intelligence. Use your emotional intelligence to adapt your message, body language and tone, and communicate more effectively.

This does not mean homing in on your negative assumptions of what you think people are feeling. People may be tired, bored, or defensive, but it is very unlikely (especially if you have just stepped up to speak) that you are the cause of this.

Remember, every audience is just made up of people, like you. It does not matter how important or famous they are; they have many of the same cares, worries, fears and challenges as you. You have so much in common.

And you can assist them. You have a unique contribution. Even just by being positive, or being honest about your feelings, you can help them.

Engage with stories

Sharing stories is perhaps the best and easiest way to do this. Humans love stories. We can’t stop making and sharing stories; we gossip, we read novels, we watch films. Storytelling has been the method, and stories the structure (such as The Hero’s Journey), for passing on knowledge, wisdom and insight over millennia. Telling a good story is a sure way to engage with an audience. What’s more, it is easier to remember a story than a list of bullet points and is much more fun for both the speaker and the listeners!

Personal stories can be particularly good as – when told with humility – they are genuine, heartfelt and build empathy with a crowd. Your own stories are also the easiest to remember, which can reduce concern about forgetting what you want to say. Therefore, even if you have to cover other information in your talk (particularly dry or potentially dull material) a light-hearted or pertinent story can be a good way to draw in an audience at the beginning of a presentation.

The experts at playing with empathy and stories are professional comedians, so I recommend you study them. They know how to gauge the temperature of a room and adapt their routine accordingly. We may not all become stand-up comedians, but this is homework that we can all at least enjoy!

Exit, pursued by a bear

I cannot promise that overnight you are going to turn into Tony Robbins or Michelle Obama. Nor can I promise that you won’t feel awful before having to speak in public. But I can, both from my experience and the wonders of psychology, say that by applying these techniques and principles you can be better at public speaking.

My last bit of advice? As with any skill, start small and practice. Use these techniques before your next family gathering, rather than waiting until your first TED talk.

Public speaking is an art. But apply the science to the art and then your introverted nature will follow.

“This is an art,

Which does mend nature, change it rather, but,

The art itself is nature.”

Shakespeare, A Winter’s Tale

As a leader, I often have to speak, at short notice, to various groups of people. This might be in the context of a meeting, while facilitating training, or even at a social function where I might be asked to “say a few words”. When this happens, I have a simple hack that helps me prepare, even if I have just a few seconds. That hack is the rule of 3.

Using the rule of three I quickly come up with three main points that become the structure of any impromptu public speaking. Equally, when I write an essay or article, I start by identifying three core arguments or facts. And again, when decision-making, I generate three courses of action before making my choice.

So, the rule of 3 can be used in many different contexts, but why three? What makes us use trios of information?

What is the rule of three and where does it come from?

The rule of 3 is very simple. Any time you use a triad of information in your communication you are using the rule of 3. A lot of the time we do it unconsciously but there is a long history of using the rule of three to structure stories, speeches, and teachings.

Caesar exclaimed “Veni, Vidi, Vici!” (I came, I saw, and I conquered) but even before that,  Aristotle recommended the following three-part structure for successful rhetoric:

1. Ethos –first establish credibility and character
2. Logos – then bring in the rational argument and facts
3. Pathos –then engage the emotions and connect with an audience

Why are threes so powerful and memorable?

So, history demonstrates that there is something about triads that connects with us on a psychological level and supports effective communication. The rule of 3 certainly encourages clarity, brevity, and memorability.

More recently, neuroscience research has shown that we can generally only remember 3-5 pieces of information. The more complex the information the harder it is to recall all the elements, so it is no surprise that psychologically we fixate on threes. We also forget huge amounts of information, and the attrition of data happens almost immediately (as shown by Ebbinghaus’ Forgetting Curve). Therefore, using a clear structure as with the rule of 3 encourages better recall.

How do you use the rule of three?

The rule of 3 is most associated with writing and is one of the easiest modes to practice using the method. Authors use it at the micro and macro scales and you can too. At the small level, a sentence might include a trio of associated words, clauses, or points (as I have just done here).

In stories, it is common to have triads of characters such as the three bears in Goldilocks. Equally, you can also have three significant events such as the houses of straw, wood, and brick in the three little pigs (which is also has a trio of characters).

In more formal writing, the structure also often falls into threes. The most obvious is the idea of having a beginning, middle and end. This can be further broken down into threes. For example, in an essay, you might have the introduction, the main body and then a conclusion (a three-part structure). Then, the main body could involve three main arguments, each of which might have three supportive points. Of course, it does not always end up this way, but it can be a great way to start a writing project or to create an essay plan.

On a larger scale, many books come in groups of three or start as trilogies. Here The Lord of the Rings, The Hunger Games (Suzanne Collins) and His Dark Materials (Philip Pullman) are obvious examples.

Three Acts in Plays and Trilogies in Movies

The rule of 3 extends into other writing such as scripts and screenplays. Modern plays and movies often have three acts that internally follow this structure:

1. The Protasis (exposition) where we meet the main protagonists
2. The Epitasis (complication) where things take a turn and don’t go to plan
3. The Catastrophe (resolution) where the story finds closure – happily or not

Furthermore (similarly to novels), movies are often released in threes. For example, the Star Wars saga, which was originally a trilogy, became a trilogy of trilogies (under George Lucas’ production). And this is often the case. Literature and films are often envisioned as trilogies but then stretch beyond that due to popularity (e.g. Indiana Jones, The Matrix or the Bourne Trilogy).

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The Rule of Three for Public Speaking, Publicity and Persuasion

We have already seen that the rule of 3 extends back to the public speaking advice of Aristotle and the ancient philosophers. More recent and well-known advice for public speaking is:

“Tell them, tell them again, then tell them what you said.” 

Anon

When you consider how little people remember then this is very good advice indeed for any communication.

Simon Sinek, when talking about effective communication, recommends using the ‘Golden Circle’ structure of:

1. Why – to explain the motivation behind something and engage the emotions (through the limbic system and older part of the brain)
2. How – to explain how this will help people
3. What – to cover the benefit in logical terms (engaging the neocortex or rational brain)

This premise is explained in his bestselling book Start With Why and reflects his background in advertising. Sinek knows what makes something catchy or sticky (in marketing terms). You will also notice that there are similarities to Aristotle’s advice, even if there is a difference in order.

The Rule of Three: Absolute Rule or Just a Guideline?

The rule of 3 is not really a rule. As with any conceptual model, it is an aid to thinking, not a set of firm laws we must adhere to. In the words of Captain Barbossa (from The Pirates of the Caribbean), “The (rule of 3) is more what you’d call ‘guidelines’ than actual rules.”

Even within this article, I have demonstrated just that. When drafting this post, I did initially utilise a three-part structure. That structure has evolved and becomes less obvious as I have edited the writing. There are still various examples of triads in the sentences that you can pick up on.

So, do use the rule of 3 as a tool to help you. Play with it and experiment, but don’t feel constrained by it. Next time you have to write an email, construct a meeting agenda or have a telephone conversation, jot down three things to start. It will really help!

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If you would like help developing your communication skills, or those of your team, do drop me a line via the Contact Page.

Do you get nervous at the thought of public speaking?

If you do you are in good company. A study by the National Institute of Mental Health indicated that over 40 % of people could be considered to have glossophobia (a fear of public speaking). Another well-cited statistic from various academic surveys is that most people fear public speaking more than death!

I am a professional facilitator, coach, and communicator. I have given talks to crowds of hundreds of people and presentations to board members, politicians, senior military, and even royalty. People are therefore somewhat surprised that historically my most significant hurdle to public speaking was confidence.

This is not the case now and, due to my work, people assume I am extroverted. But in terms of character, I am actually introverted. Although I enjoy social interactions, I find them draining and I must harness my energy to be outgoing, upbeat and take centre stage. It doesn’t come naturally.

What’s more, since childhood, I have harboured unhelpful assumptions and fears of looking foolish in front of people and an overactive imagination that provides me with hundreds of ways that I could be shamed if I were foolish enough to try to stand up and talk to a crowd, especially to a bunch of strangers!

So, what changed?

An experience that challenged my assumptions about public speaking

I used to think some people were born confident. I used to believe some folks were just natural public speakers. One personal experience helped to change these assumptions.

It happened at a time when I was working backstage during a large event. It was taking place in a theatre in London’s West End. The theatre could seat over a thousand people, and it was packed. I was running all the back-stage operations which included helping presenters with any technical support.

The speaker that day was well-known and very highly regarded. I had seen him many times, on various stages, speaking to audiences of hundreds, sometimes thousands, much as he was about to do now. I had watched in awe as he strode about, effortlessly unpacking intellectual themes and making them understandable to us mere mortals.

It was seconds before he was due to go on stage, the music was queuing up ready for his entrance. In the dark wings of the theatre, between props and backdrops, I stepped up to him to do a final check on his microphone. As I drew close, I could hear him whispering to himself, head down, hands fluttering about. He glanced up, catching my eye and faltering for a moment. I did not know whether he was doing vocal exercises, practising part of his talk or reciting some positive affirmations, but I could see that he was nervous. I was shocked; I literally couldn’t believe it. Him? Nervous?

One way or another it certainly did not seem to impact him. I finished with the microphone, and he stood up straight, faced the stage and walked into the blinding lights to loud applause. Seconds later the audience was silent and hanging onto every word conveyed by his steady voice. And all I could do was stand dumbfounded backstage thinking, hang on, that guy had stage fright moments ago! This giant of public speaking! And you know what? It was one of the most liberating of little moments I have had the privilege to witness.

Ok, what did I learn?

Confidence is a frame of mind that you can develop

You don’t have to be born confident to be a good public speaker. In fact, research shows that you don’t need to have innate self-belief, it can be developed. Neuroscientist Dr Ian Robertson, author of How Confidence Works, has identified that confidence comes down to two core beliefs. He calls these ‘can do’ and ‘can happen’. In other words, you need both the belief that you can do something coupled with the idea that an action can happen and affect the external world.

In this context, you can build both beliefs. For example, have you ever had a conversation with more than one other person at the same time? Most likely you have, even if just around the dinner table. Well done, you have just proven to yourself that you can speak to groups of people.

Another thought. Have you ever said something that someone has found interesting or changed the way someone has thought or behaved? If so, then you also have proof that your communication does have an impact. It can happen. What you say matters to people; you just need to find your audience.

The more instances you can think of to reinforce both the can do and can happen the better. These will strengthen your self-belief. Then build on this confidence; start small and build up. For example, talk to a small group of people you know, just for a few minutes. It could just be a joke or a short story. By doing this you build experience and confidence to increase the size of the audience and length of what you are going to say.

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Courage is a decision, not an innate quality

Similarly, with confidence, people often assume that courage is innate, something some people are born with. But this is also a false assumption. As Winston Churchill said:

“Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.”

Winston Churchill

We all feel fear. It is a natural psychological reaction to certain situations. This is the in-built fight, flight or freeze response which primarily helps us when we face physical danger. The problem is, the mind has the same response to perceived social danger, as we experience during public speaking.

This can lead to amygdala hijack, the situation where more primal parts of the brain override our more rational brain. This leads to several things but notably that we cannot think straight, and our body is flooded with adrenaline. Therefore, in the case of public speaking, we are likely to forget what we want to say (because we can’t access the pre-frontal cortex), our hearts beat faster, and we start to sweat.

And what is the best way to deal with this? Breathe. Breathing exercises, such as the 5:5:5 technique (breathe in for a count of 5, hold for 5 and out for 5) are proven ways to help manage stress responses.

The other thing is to change your mindset. As comedian Deborah Frances-White points out in her excellent (and highly entertaining) TED talk, you need to stop thinking like prey when you get on stage and take the attitude of the predator. You need to own the space; boldly stalk around the stage while maintaining eye contact with your audience. Do not shrink behind the lectern or hide at the back of the stage.

And fake it until you make it because, as Amy Cuddy tells us, our physiology impacts our psychology. In other words, even if you don’t feel self-assured, forcing your body into a confident posture (e.g. standing tall, maintaining eye contact and not crossing your arms) will actually change your mindset. You will start to feel more confident.

Communication happens when we connect with people

The final thing to help your confidence and courage is to remember that audience is just made up of people like you. As Brené Brown (author of Dare to Lead) says:

“People, people, people are just people, people, people.” 

It doesn’t matter what title they hold, or how rich or famous they are, they are all just human. Many of our assumptions, like those I had of the speaker in my story, are wrong.

Brené Brown also points out why we feel nervous when public speaking; because we make ourselves vulnerable. But that is an opportunity. Vulnerability gives us an opportunity to be authentic. And guess what, other normal humans also feel afraid at times, so these shared feelings can help create empathy. Acknowledging our fear can even help build rapport with an audience.

So, when you look at the audience remember they are like you. If it helps, picture them as school kids, but no matter what, remember that they certainly were all school kids before they were whatever they are now. People are just people.

The positive psychology of public speaking

Do I still get nervous? Yes. Can I effectively manage those feelings and be a successful public speaker? Yes. Can you too? Again, yes.

Mark Twain is accredited with saying:

“There are two types of speakers: those that are nervous and those that are liars”.

So don’t worry about being worried. You can build confidence. If you choose, you can be courageous. You can use your feelings to build a deeper connection with your audience.

But you do need to practice. So, think of an opportunity where you can stretch yourself a little and develop your speaking. Is nothing specific coming up? Then think of an anecdote, an experience from your life. Pick something fun! Take a few minutes to craft that story, maybe write it down and then say it out loud to yourself. Look at your body language; force yourself to look and sound assured. By doing so you are programming your brain; pre-wiring synapses and setting the conditions of confidence. Then hold onto the story and wait for an opportunity to share it with others.

And if you would like to read more about public speaking do take a look at:

How to Improve Your Public Speaking Skills

How to Overcome Your Fear and Learn to Love Public Speaking

Awesome Work Presentations in Seven Simple Steps

How do you feel about talking to people you don’t know? Are you good at building rapport with strangers? Are you confident about speaking to anyone and everyone?

Imagine you are at a party and don’t know anyone, or you are arriving at a new workplace. Maybe what comes to mind is speaking to an attractive stranger at the bar.

What thoughts are going through your head?

Are you getting flashbacks to your first day at school? Is your heart beginning to race?

These negative thoughts and feelings are not universal, but they are common. For some people these sorts of situations are not a bother, they just go up and start chatting. But for those of you (like me) who don’t find this natural, I can share some helpful psychology to help you start a conversation with someone new. As an introvert, it has taken time, practice, and the application of neuroscience to become comfortable with initiating conversations with strangers. But it is possible to build rapport with almost anyone, and you can even learn to enjoy it.

How to approach someone you don’t know and start to build rapport

If you want to talk to someone new, the first thing you must do is to approach them. That is (literally) the first step. The approach is all about the 3 Bs: Belief, Breathing and Body Language.

Believe that you can have a good conversation

Confidence, according to neuroscientist Professor Ian Robertson, is about the twin beliefs of can do and can happen. In other words, you must believe that you can do something (you have the innate ability) and that it can happen (that the action can take place in the external world).

When you are threatened by negative speech in your mind, focus on facts. Have you ever spoken to someone you don’t know before? Think of a good example, hold it in mind, this proves you can do. Now think of a good conversation you have had with another person; it could be anyone (not just a stranger). Have you got something in mind? That shows that a good conversation can happen. Even just bringing these examples to mind will help prime your brain for the next time you speak to someone so take time to remember good examples and then visualise how a good meeting might go.

Take a deep breath before you approach someone

If you find speaking to people daunting, then it is likely that you will feel nervous. This fear triggers the fight or flight response, resulting in an adrenaline release, increased heart rate and sweat. The best way to combat this natural phenomenon is with another one; taking slow deep breaths. You might want to use a breathing technique such as 5:5 breathing (breath in for a count of 5, out of a count of 5) to help you. But, if you are taking some breaths, don’t stand there staring at the person you want to talk to, that could get weird!

Maintain good body language while networking

Posture is important. If you hold yourself in a confident manner, then you will start to feel more confident. That is because (as psychologist Amy Cuddy expounds) your physiology can override your psychology. So, stand tall, shoulders back, smile and keep your posture open (not crossing arms and legs). Get ready to walk confidently towards the other person. Walk at a relaxed, normal pace, getting ready to look the person in the eyes and smile. Ignore any butterflies in the tummy and keep breathing slowly and deeply.

Got the 3 Bs sorted? Then you are on the way! Next, we can start the conversation.

How to enter a conversation with a stranger

To start talking to someone remember PIP: proximity, inquisitiveness, and positivity.

Proxemics: getting the right social proximity for small talk

If you want to initiate a conversation, you must get within a socially acceptable distance from the person. This is where the science of proxemics can help us. In Western culture, 18 – 48 inches (45-120 cm) is considered personal space, the sort of zone you are aiming for to have a conversation. Closer to 18 inches, you are in their intimate space, and this can quickly become uncomfortable, so bear this in mind even if you are in a loud bar or crowded room. As a gauge, think about a good distance as being about an arm’s length away from the other person.

Be inquisitive; ask good questions (convo starters) and listen well

Once you have introduced yourself (keep it simple, a salutation and your name are a good start) ask a question. Make it a genuine one, not a cliché such as “Do you come here often?” Think of something you actually want to know that relates to the situation. For example, if you are at a gig you can ask them their opinion of the last song, if you are at a party you could ask something about the food or drink. It is worth having an initial question in mind and I will often think of one before I walk over to chat to someone.

Once you have asked a question, stay inquisitive. Concentrate on listening to what the other person has to say. Then ask further questions following their answers. These can be interspersed with your comments and their return questions (you don’t want it to feel like an interrogation), but the important thing is to give your attention to the other person and what they are saying. Aim for active, empathetic listening.

Don’t try to be smart, just be genuinely interested. This is an under-emphasised part of rapport building. Often cited techniques such as empathy, finding common ground, and mirroring speech and mannerisms are all dependent upon properly listening to someone. So, pay attention!

Be positive to help deepen the connection

You are now in conversation, well done! The best way to keep things going and to end well is to remain positive, even if the other person is not. The first part of being positive is remaining in that good posture. Keep smiling, retain eye contact and stay tall.

Don’t fall into the trap of negativity. It is tempting to bond with people by criticising something, in the hope of building common ground, but it is better to focus on the positives. Negative comments and feelings are proven to create strong bonds and you don’t want to associate yourself with these hooks, be that consciously or unconsciously. If someone says something negative, you don’t just have to agree or disagree. Remember, be inquisitive. If you deem a comment to be negative or untrue you might say, “That is interesting, why do you say that?”

Giving compliments is another way to keep things positive, but as with questions, make sure they are genuine. Be cautious when complimenting someone’s looks or even their outfit. If you are paying attention to what the other person is saying it is easy (and natural) to make complimentary remarks. As conversation flows the other person is likely to share a skill, trait, or experience that you don’t have. These are easy things to compliment in a genuine way. For example, whenever I meet someone who can speak multiple languages or has mastered a musical instrument, I am genuinely in awe, and it is easy to compliment such things.

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How to finish the conversation

Conversations must come to an end. So, similarly to having a question to start a conversation, also have an exit strategy.

Finish well

Try and finish well. Our brains are most likely to remember the beginning and end of something due to what is known as the serial effect and primacy and recency biases. Therefore, try to end on a high. And that is not about ending with a clever remark, it is about how you feel. Emotions shape our memory more strongly than data and people are more likely to remember you if the feelings related to that memory are positive.

Ending a good discussion

So, keep doing what you have been doing. Be positive, smile, and stay interested in the other person. Just don’t outstay your welcome. If the other person starts to give shorter answers, glances at their watch or away to other parts of the room (such as the exit) then these are all cues that it is time to wrap up. Ideally, you want to finish a conversation before these behaviours manifest, but that can’t always be helped. So, when you do pick up on the signals then get ready to finish. Once again, be nice. You can say – genuinely – how much you enjoyed meeting them and the conversation.

Getting contact details when networking

If you want to keep in contact with that person, now is the time to ask. It is a judgement call as to how to go about this. A phone number is quite a big deal so think before you ask. An email often feels less intimate, and some social media platforms (such as LinkedIn) are relatively low-pressure ways to stay connected. Hopefully, your conversation will give you some context and clues as to the best way to connect.

And if they say no, don’t worry and don’t take it personally. Just say “No problem, lovely to meet” or something similar. If someone you have just met does not want to share their details, then don’t feel rejected. If you enjoyed the conversation, then that should be a reward in itself. You should also feel more confident as you have proved that speaking to strangers is something you can do and good discourse can happen.

Ending a bad conversation

It does not matter how attractive, rich, famous, intelligent, or successful someone is, if they are rude, negative, or dismissive of you, they are not worth spending time with. If someone is behaving negatively, just end the conversation politely and walk away. Don’t take it personally. Being rude or a bore is the other person’s problem, not yours. Don’t carry their negativity; take confidence from the fact that you were brave enough to try, compliment yourself on remaining civil and then take thanks that you don’t have to spend your time with someone who is an emotional drain.

The things to remember when building rapport and speaking to someone you don’t know

Hopefully, you can now see that with the help of a little science, we can all be more confident in speaking to strangers and having good conversations with people we have just met. I can speak from experience, as an introvert, that knowing a little bit of psychology can go a long way and I have gone from being a nervous introvert to enjoying meeting new people.

Just remember, before you approach someone, have belief in yourself, take a breath and maintain a good body posture.

Get to the right proximity to the other person, be inquisitive and remain positive.

Finally, finish well. Be alert to any signs that the conversation needs to end. Don’t outstay your welcome. Be sensitive if you want contact details and don’t take rejection personally. Finally, permit yourself to exit a negative dialogue.

After all, the end of one conversation is just the opportunity to start another. So, what are you waiting for?

What makes a good presentation? How can you ensure your presentations are effective?

We know effective presentations when we see and hear one. We certainly know a bad one when we are forced to endure it. The phrase, “Death by PowerPoint” was not coined by accident!

That same phrase came to mind to me recently, while I was at a conference. I was pretty sure that death was on the cards, I was just trying to work out whose demise was most imminent; mine or the presenter’s.

Fortunately, I was able to put such dark thoughts aside by focusing instead on what was wrong and how things could be better.

In this instance the problem was not that the presenters were not confident, capable speakers who knew their subject. The issue was that the way they presented their material was poor.

Pretty much every speaker went over their allotted time. Therefore, each section lost time for questions. Breaks were also shortened, meaning that conversation time (important for applying and remembering concepts) was reduced.

Often it was hard to discern what speakers wanted to communicate, the structure was poor, and they were reading from their slides. They obviously thought that because they knew their content, they did not need to practice beforehand.

The PowerPoint slides were packed with words that were hard to discern. To make matters worse, whilst struggling to read the dense text one quickly lost the flow of what the speaker was saying. When pictures were used there were too many on each slide and the graphics had not been properly adjusted for presentational use.

I could not save the conference but I could try to make things better in the future, hence writing this article.

The Seven Steps to Good Presentations

It is somewhat remiss of me that I have not written this sooner because, as a facilitator and leadership coach, I regularly give presentations and coach people in public speaking. From this experience, I have come up with 7 steps for giving good presentations. The seven stages are:

1. Know your timeframe
2. Decide upon the key message
3. Outline the narrative arc
4. Create your slides or visual aides
5. Rehearse
6. Give the presentation
7. Get feedback

What follows is some more detail on each step, with examples and practical tips along the way.

Know your presentation’s timeframe

How long have you been given to present? Make sure you know how long you have, when you need to start and when you need to finish. Then ask yourself, how long should you speak for? Even after getting a slot, don’t feel that you need to speak for the whole time. It is better to have a short, clear message and leave time for questions and discussion afterwards.

Equally, if you feel that the time allotted to you is not sufficient to do justice to what you have to say then ask for more time. If you can’t have more time, think about how to further focus and refine what you have to say.

And that leads us neatly onto step 2:

Decide upon the presentation’s key message

What is the one thing that you want people to take away from the presentation? No matter how long you speak, most people will only remember a tiny percentage of what you say. Therefore, you need to ensure that the thing they recall is the central point of your presentation. Make sure you know what it is and if you are not sure, don’t go any further until you have this question answered.

Who are the key people in your audience? Once you know what the key message is then also think about who are the listeners that you most need to target. Picturing these people, thinking about what they need to hear, feel and understand, is vital information for helping you structure your talk.

Outline the arc to land the message

Once you know the key message and audience, then you can draft the narrative arc. The structure and content should be focused on highlighting and reinforcing the critical information to the most important people. If you are not sure which structure to choose then the Rule of 3 is a good starting point.

Once you have your overall structure, think about the information you need to share. You will likely want to say lots of things so you have to be brutal in your editing. Keep asking yourself, is this information essential to the key message?

If you want your presentation to be memorable, then I recommend following Chip and Dan Heath’s SUCCES framework from their book Made to Stick.

The SUCCES acronym stands for:

• Simple – make sure the message is simple and clear.
• Unexpected – select statements, questions and facts that surprise people (in a good way!)
• Concrete – engage people’s senses and use analogies so the audience can grasp the concepts you are sharing.
• Credible – use evidence or invoke other authorities to make your message credible.
• Emotional – make people feel; engage their hearts as well as their minds.
• Stories – humans are wired to love and remember stories (much more than lists of bullets, facts or random data).

Create your presentation slides or visual aides

One challenge we have these days is that it is very easy to make content. Putting together a slide deck does not need to take much time, especially if you are just scribing bullet points. And there’s the rub. Too often, people think they have a presentation just because they have a slide deck. Hence the proverb:

“A bushel of slides does not maketh a presentation!”

Ok, I made the proverb up, but the point is still valid!

That is not to say that slides are bad. PowerPoint, Keynote, Prezi, and other such software can be excellent aides to a presentation. But that is what they are, aides to communication. They are not the presentation itself; that is predominantly what you say.

If you use slides, then use the same principles that TED speakers use:

• One point per slide. That means one message, photo, graph, quote, or whatever. Not multiple bullet points.
• Images and photos. Use these to reinforce what you are saying. This is the “picture paints and thousand words” concept. Use them instead of having words where you can as people cannot read and properly listen to you at the same time but they can look at a picture and listen to you.
• Graphs and Infographics. Ensure these are clear (even when the content is complex).
• Use as little text as possible. And no bullet points! And that is not because I hate bullet points per se, I am using them in this article, but don’t expect people to read stuff if you are speaking. If you are using a PowerPoint or Keynote to create a document for people to read (say, after a presentation) then by all means use bullet points, but don’t have them in the part of the presentation when you are speaking.
• Use a common San Serif font. These are generally easier to read. Helvetica and Verdana are good examples and are both recommended by TED. Helvetica is considered to be one of the easiest-to-read typefaces and Verdana has wide letters and spacing that aid reading and impact.
• Use a font size of 42 or larger. Yes, that’s right 42 or bigger!
• Be careful with font and slide colour. Make sure that the colour of the slides helps legibility. You can experiment but remember that black on white and white on black are safe bets for easy reading.

And don’t feel that you must use digital aides. I still love using flipcharts, whiteboards and props when giving presentations and talks. Experiment and see what works best. And that idea neatly brings us to the rehearsals…

Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse!

Ensure you have time to run through your presentation. Don’t spend all your time on your slides and neglect to practice what you are actually going to say. The words you say are the most important bit and should have the most impact. Try with and without your slides. There is a chance they may not work on the day. So, think about how you can do without them. Have a go at using a flipchart or similar to highlight key concepts.

Talking through the presentation in your head is not enough; you need to speak the words out loud, preferably several times. Rehearse out loud, then in front of a mirror, and then to someone else. Pick someone you love or trust first (that makes taking the criticism easier) and then try a small audience. Accept the feedback, refine your presentation and practice again.

Also, if you want to maximise impact, you are better off not reading from a script. It is much better to have a short talk, that is clear, and you can give without notes, than a long one that you have to read out. Once again, think about TED talks and what makes them great. You don’t necessarily have to be that polished but the principles are the same.

And remember, a large part of confidence in public speaking comes from practice.

Give the presentation

Firstly, make sure you have time beforehand, so you are not flustered. If you can, get into the room early to set up and test your audio-visual needs. Get comfortable in the space.

If you can’t get into the room before you present, then take some time somewhere else to prepare yourself mentally. One of the things I like to do is to go for a short walk. This gentle exercise has the added benefit of working off excess adrenalin in your system.

So, you are now fully prepared. How do you then start the presentation?

When you get into the room, don’t be flustered. Get yourself ready to go, take a breath and ensure you are upright with an open posture. Pause, take another deep breath and without speaking, take a moment to look around the room, smiling and making eye contact. This will gather people’s attention, reduce any chatter, and help to exude self-confidence (even if your stomach is doing cartwheels!)

Now give your talk and imagine that you are just speaking to one person, sharing something that you are passionate about. Enjoy it!

Get feedback

If you have followed all the steps you can be confident that the presentation has gone well. Enjoy the praise that you get in the aftermath; you have worked hard, and you deserve it!

But there is always room for improvement, so also get some critical feedback. In my experience, this is best-sought one-to-one, away from wherever you did the presentation. Also, ask at least a couple of people that you trust so that you can get multiple views.

When asking for feedback be specific. For example, you could use the three traffic light questions for continual improvement, namely, if you did the talk again:

1. What should you stop doing?
2. What should you continue doing?
3. What should you start doing?

If you get the chance, edit your talk to capture the advice you receive. Even if you never give the exact presentation again, the process of applying the feedback will help to reinforce it in your memory.

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Planning for your next presentation

Take a few minutes now and ask yourself, when do you next need to give a presentation? Put some time in the diary to come back to the 7 steps and use them to prepare.

Remember:

1. Know your timeframe
2. Decide upon the key message
3. Outline the narrative arc
4. Create your slides or visual aides
5. Rehearse
6. Give the presentation
7. Get feedback

And have fun with it! Presentations can (and should) be fascinating, entertaining, or both.

If you want some evidence of this and examples of great presentations then try one of the TED.com playlists such as their 24 most popular TED talks of all time. And I also recommend reading Talk Like TED, which is an excellent resource.