Do you have a relationship in your life you would like to be better? With a romantic partner, a work colleague, a child? Do you ever have difficulty reading a social situation and how to best build rapport with someone? Do you find it hard to start a conversation with a stranger?

Join the club!

The fact is, despite the fact that all of us have to have social interactions and need quality relationships, we are often poorly equipped to deal well with people, even those we love most. This is why having emotional intelligence and so-called soft skills are very important.

I have spent years leading teams and coaching individuals – using as well as teaching these skills – and I have learned that they are some key steps to effective relationships and some really simple, useful models to help remember them.

The Principles of Aikido

One I particularly like is the parallel found between effective communication and martial arts and particularly the principles of Aikido. The philosophy of Aikido is essentially about harmony, not conflict, and therefore equates very well to social interactions.

There are three core Aikido principles that map very well to relationships. These precepts are:

• Being Centered (represented by the circle)
• Entering (the triangle) and
• Turning (the square)

Centring (The Circle)

When it comes to relationships, as with so much in life, you need to start with understanding yourself. Centring reflects this need. Before entering into a relationship you need to understand your own core principles, your purpose and how to renew your energy. If you are not centred you will be ignored, pushed around or pushed over. You will come across as lacking in direction, unsure or flaky. There are lots of good exercises to understand your personal values better and if you would like to know more you can read my post on “What are your personal values?”

An Easy Breathing Technique

If you want one quick and easy way to feel more centred then try this – you can do it right now. Breathe. One of the greatest tools to help control your emotions, centre yourself and remain in the moment (i.e. mindfulness) is to breathe. Almost everyone knows that taking a deep breath or counting to ten can help when we are faced with a challenge or boiling emotions.

There are many different breathing techniques taught in martial arts, yoga and sports but one simple and effective one I like is ‘power breaths’. To do this all you do is:

1. Breathe in for a count of three, and hold your breath for a count of three,
2. Then breathe out for a count of three and hold again for a count of three.
3. Then repeat. I find that 3 sets of power breaths are an excellent way to calm myself, regain my energy and my focus.

Entering (The triangle)

‘Entering’ is when you close with a partner or opponent. It is when the interaction starts in Aikido when you move into someone else’s circle. In social terms, this is when you walk up to someone and attempt to start a conversation.

For a relationship, successful entering is all about building rapport. To build the triangle of rapport you need to have good body language, empathetic listening, and effective questioning technique.

In my experience, the most important part of rapport building – and developing any meaningful relationship  – is truly listening to the other person. Be genuinely interested in what they are saying, not just thinking about what you want to say in response. And, most importantly, don’t interrupt them. What do you do with that thought that just popped into your head as they were speaking? Keep it in your head and go back to listening. That amazing story that they have just reminded you of? Keep it for later. That burning opinion that you have? Wait, listen and seek to understand their point of view further.

When they do take a pause and you open your mouth again, think about a question to help you understand or expand more upon what they just said rather than just giving your opinion.

Turning/extending (the square)

The final principle is concerned with the influence you have on the person you are interacting with. In this case, you are not trying to physically strike, grapple or throw them but you are trying to persuade them in some way. That might be persuading them to like you, encouraging them to do something.

This is not about somehow fooling or tricking someone. This is about being your authentic self – as represented in the circle. And as with Aikido, it is also not about overpowering the other person or forcing them to comply. It is about harmony and using the other person’s energy and direction to allow this to happen. It is about using, turning and re-directing the energy and power that the other person provides. In this way, Aikido and conversation are more akin to dancing than to boxing (or at least it should be!)

Authenticity leads to trust, trust to persuasion, and persuasion to commitment.

The expression of this commitment may be something very small: in the course of an initial meeting, it might just be giving the time it takes to have the conversation. It might just share some tiny bit of personal information; an opinion, an experience a thought. Remember, every little fact we choose to share about ourselves is a commitment and therefore precious. Every act of trust that someone else could abuse.

So the commitment goes both ways, you need to treat the person’s time and what they share with care and respect, or the trust, and the relationship, will falter.

From White Belt to Black Belt

As with any martial arts, just knowing the principles does not make you a master. We all need practice if we are going to improve and gain any sort of mastery. The good news is you don’t need to go to the dojo to train in social interactions, these happen naturally every day. Be more aware of yourself the next time you speak to someone. If it is someone close to you, just try and listen more and talk less. See how it goes and afterwards reflect on how it went. What did you learn?

Worried about starting a conversation with a stranger? I get it. Full disclosure: I am an introvert and I am British. The thought of speaking to someone I don’t know, especially without a formal introduction, goes against all my usual instincts. If you are an introvert embrace it. Listening can be your super-power. Just think of an opening question, breathe, ask the question and you are away.

Want an easy start? Then pick someone who is used to speaking to people as part of their job. Shop attendants, baristas and bar staff are generally very easy to strike up a conversation with. Next time you get the opportunity just ask more than one question. Don’t just ask where something is in a shop; ask their opinion on what you want to buy. Don’t just order your usual coffee, ask about the blend that the barista might recommend. As for the person behind the bar, you could ask them pretty much anything – there is very little that phases good bar staff – as long as there is not a queue of other people waiting to be served.

If you are an extrovert you will probably find it easier to start conversations but remember this: two ears, one mouth. Try to listen at least twice as much as you talk.

So go on, I dare you! Start your journey to becoming a social Ninja. Strike up a conversation and surprise yourself; you might even enjoy it!

You are away from home and need to go and see a doctor. How do you know whom to trust to help you? You look up local clinics on the internet and find two options. On one website there is a picture of someone, straight-faced, in casual clothes, accompanied by a short statement of them telling you how good a doctor they think they are. The other site has a picture of a smiling doctor (we know this as they are wearing a white coat with a stethoscope draped around their neck). In the background, we can see various certificates and below the picture is a description of how the staff care about you and your well-being. Which doctor do you choose? Which do you trust?

This is a hypothetical example, but it does demonstrate that knowing whom to trust is a vital part of our decision-making. Therefore, it is no real surprise that neurologically we have developed powerful mechanisms to assess how trustworthy people are. But explaining how this psychology works is slightly harder as the brain works largely intuitively in assessing whether we should trust someone or not.

Fortunately, research has shown that there are common elements at work when we analyse trust. Whether that is for a person we have just met or someone we have known or worked with for a while, it turns out that this feeling is based on some factors that can be measured. And this is where the Trust Equation comes in.

The Trust Equation – understanding the psychology of trust

The Trust Equation was developed by Charles H. Green, co-author of The Trusted Advisor, along with David Maister and Robert M. Galford. They explored the psychology of trust by looking at professional services and how people relate to one another. The result of this study was the Trust Equation.

The equation is actually a measure of trustworthiness, in other words, how much trust we are willing to invest in a person. In this context, to have trust between two parties, you need someone who is trusting and another person who is trustworthy. The equation gets to the heart of that relationship.

Equation of Trustworthiness:

Trust (or Trustworthiness) = (Credibility + Reliability + Intimacy)/Self-Orientation

For clarity, it is worth exploring the terms that Green uses in the equation as some may not be immediately clear. To make things very practical, here are some questions you can ask to think about how someone might score against each of these terms.

Credibility (words)

• Is the person professionally credible; do they live up to their CV?
• Do the person’s words fit their actions?

Reliability (actions)

• Are they dependable?
• Will they do what they promise?

Intimacy (feelings)

• Do you feel safe or secure around the person?
• Do you trust that person with confidential or personal information?

Self-orientation

• Is a person self-centred, putting themselves before the needs of the vision and team?
• Are they self-obsessed (always framing an issue from their own perspective) or do they look at a situation more broadly?

As mentioned before, our brains usually intuitively make this calculation but, with the equation, you can quantify each factor by giving it a numerical value (1-10) for the answer to each question.

The Trust Equation (explained in less than 5 minutes)

Examples using the Trust Equation

Let’s explore this with a couple of examples.

Example 1

Firstly, let’s examine how we might perceive the local barista who serves us our coffee in the morning. I am thinking of one in my favourite coffee shop. How do they score on credibility? Well, their claim to be a barista is backed up by the fact that they work in a good café, and I have seen them serve great coffee. Therefore, let’s give them 8 out of 10. In terms of reliability, whenever someone asks for their double-shot latté that’s exactly what they get (and it tastes good too!). So, 9 out of 10 here. In terms of intimacy, I don’t know them well enough to share all my personal life with them, but they do smile, say a warm hello and address me by my name. They make me feel good, thus, let’s make that 7 out of 10. By contrast, the score for self-orientation will be low as whenever I see this person, they are always serving other people. They are asking what other people want, not talking about themselves, so we can give them a 2 out of 10. Using the equation this becomes:

(8+9+7)/2 = 12

Example 2

Now let’s take a contrasting situation. Picture a politician whom you know of but don’t necessarily follow closely. I have one in mind. This person has been a politician for some time so there is credibility there, but they have also changed their messaging on certain issues. So, for credibility, we can give them a 6. This variation in what they say and do also impacts their reliability score as I don’t feel that they will do as they promise. Therefore, this might be a score of 5. In terms of intimacy, I don’t feel I have any real connection with this person. Would I feel safe with them? I would like to think so, but I still can’t give them more than a 6. For self-orientation, the score must be higher than the barista as, even though they are a public servant, I recall that when I have seen them in interviews, they are often defending themselves. Thus, here I would give them a 7. Now, using the equation we have:

(6+5+6)/7 = 2.4

How do we compare trust equation scores?

This prompts some interesting reflections. The scoring indicates that I trust the barista more than four times more than the politician. In some ways, this is true as I have a closer personal relationship with the barista, even if it is just because we know each other’s names. And I really like coffee.

But here we expose a problem. Even though we are giving a quantitative score to trust, this is impacted by qualitative feelings and influenced by cognitive bias. The barista gives me a lovely coffee every time I see them. That has a powerfully positive anchoring effect. By contrast, the politician suffers from negativity biasas I see them on the news which is emotionally negative. Also, if I am honest, I go to that coffee shop as it is the sort of place ‘people like me’ go to. This means I have an in-group bias towards that barista, but an out-group bias against a politician that belongs to a political party I don’t usually support.

Finding the right comparisons

Here we have illustrated what is good news for baristas but a perennial problem for politicians. We generally love the experience of getting a coffee but are less keen on politics. As our elected leaders feel ever more distant, and all we see are the U-turns in policy or the sound bites on the news, it becomes very hard to build trust with the electorate.

By contrast, we might feel that we generally trust doctors or teachers, but that is often because we have some personal contact with these people and even if we don’t know them personally we hold their qualifications (and therefore their credibility) in high regard.

It is important to note that this comparison of the barista to a politician is also unfair. Trust is also contextual. If the barista suddenly ran for political office, then we are likely to see their scores change, particularly in the realms of credibility. A fairer, and more useful comparison would be scoring one barista against another and one politician against another. That better explains why we might choose one café over another or vote for one representative rather than another.

Applying the trust equation

We all have an intuitive feeling when we trust people but sometimes, particularly when we are unsure of our feelings, it is worth quantifying them. Understanding the trust equation can help do just this and assess the levels of trust that you have with an individual or team.

Remember:

Trust (or Trustworthiness) = (Credibility + Reliability + Intimacy)/Self-Orientation

Why not experiment with the equation now? You can score someone you are thinking about (to better analyse that relationship) or you can score your team culture to examine the levels of trust within your workplace. Finally, you can also use this as a self-reflection exercise and examine how you perform in each area. Remember to think of evidence – of actual experiences – to back up your scores.

How to Use Neuroscience to Talk Confidently to (Almost) Anyone

How do you feel about talking to people you don’t know?

Imagine you are at a party and don’t know anyone, or you are arriving at a new workplace. Maybe what comes to mind is speaking to an attractive stranger at the bar.

What thoughts are going through your head?

Are you getting flashbacks to your first day at school? Is your heart beginning to race?

These negative thoughts and feelings are not universal, but they are common. For some people these sorts of situations are not a bother, they just go up and start chatting. But for those of you (like me) who don’t find this natural, I can share some helpful psychology to help you start a conversation with someone new. As an introvert, it has taken time, practice, and the application of neuroscience to become comfortable with initiating conversations with strangers. But it is possible, and you can even learn to enjoy it.

How to approach someone you don’t know

If you want to talk to someone new, the first thing you must do is to approach them. That is (literally) the first step. The approach is all about the 3 Bs: Belief, Breathing and Body Language.

Believe that you can do it

Confidence, according to neuroscientist Professor Ian Robertson, is about the twin beliefs of can do and can happen. In other words, you must believe that you can do something (you have the innate ability) and that it can happen (that the action can take place in the external world).

When you are threatened by negative speech in your mind, focus on facts. Have you ever spoken to someone you don’t know before? Think of a good example, hold it in mind, this proves you can do. Now think of a good conversation you have had with another person; it could be anyone (not just a stranger). Have you got something in mind? That shows that a good conversation can happen. Even just bringing these examples to mind will help prime your brain for the next time you speak to someone so take time to remember good examples and then visualise how a good meeting might go.

Take a deep breath

If you find speaking to people daunting, then it is likely that you will feel nervous. This fear triggers the fight or flight response, resulting in an adrenaline release, increased heart rate and sweat. The best way to combat this natural phenomenon is with another one; taking slow deep breaths. You might want to use a breathing technique such as 5:5 breathing (breath in for a count of 5, out of a count of 5) to help you. But, if you are taking some breaths, don’t stand there staring at the person you want to talk to, that could get weird!

Maintain good body language

Posture is important. If you hold yourself in a confident manner, then you will start to feel more confident. That is because (as psychologist Amy Cuddy expounds) your physiology can override your psychology. So, stand tall, shoulders back, smile and keep your posture open (not crossing arms and legs). Get ready to walk confidently towards the other person. Walk at a relaxed, normal pace, getting ready to look the person in the eyes and smile. Ignore any butterflies in the tummy and keep breathing slowly and deeply.

Got the 3 Bs sorted? Then you are on the way! Next, we can start the conversation.

How to enter a conversation

To start talking to someone remember PIP: proximity, inquisitiveness, and positivity.

Proxemics: getting the right social proximity

If you want to initiate a conversation, you must get within a socially acceptable distance from the person. This is where the science of proxemics can help us. In Western culture, 18 – 48 inches (45-120 cm) is considered personal space, the sort of zone you are aiming for to have a conversation. Closer to 18 inches and you are in their intimate space, and this can quickly become uncomfortable, so bear this in mind even if you are in a loud bar or crowded room.

Be inquisitive; ask good questions

Once you have introduced yourself (keep it simple, a salutation and your name are a good start) ask a question. Make it a genuine one, not a cliché such as “Do you come here often?” Think of something you actually want to know. For example, if you are at a gig you can ask them their opinion of the last song, if you are at a party you could ask something about the food or drink. It is worth having an initial question in mind and I will often think of one before I walk over to chat to someone.

Once you have asked a question, stay inquisitive. Concentrate on listening to what the other person has to say. Then ask further questions following their answers. These can be interspersed with your comments and their return questions (you don’t want it to feel like an interrogation), but the important thing is to give your attention to the other person and what they are saying. Don’t try to be smart, just be genuinely interested. This is an under-emphasised part of rapport building. Often cited techniques such as empathy, finding common ground, and mirroring speech and mannerisms are all dependent upon properly listening to someone. So, pay attention!

Be positive

You are now in conversation, well done! The best way to keep things going and to end well is to remain positive, even if the other person is not. The first part of being positive is remaining in that good posture. Keep smiling, retain eye contact and stay tall.

Don’t fall into the trap of negativity. It is tempting to bond with people by criticising something, in the hope of building common ground, but it is better to focus on the positives. Negative comments and feelings are proven to create strong bonds and you don’t want to associate yourself with these hooks, be that consciously or unconsciously. If someone says something negative, you don’t just have to agree or disagree. Remember, be inquisitive. If you deem a comment to be negative or untrue you might say, “That is interesting, why do you say that?”

Giving compliments is another way to keep things positive, but as with questions, make sure they are genuine. Be cautious when complimenting someone’s looks or even their outfit. If you are paying attention to what the other person is saying it is easy (and natural) to make complimentary remarks. As conversation flows the other person is likely to share a skill, trait, or experience that you don’t have. These are easy things to compliment in a genuine way. For example, whenever I meet someone who can speak multiple languages or has mastered a musical instrument, I am genuinely in awe, and it is easy to compliment such things.

How to finish the conversation

Conversations must come to an end. So, similarly to having a question to start a conversation, also have an exit strategy.

Finish well

Try and finish well. Our brains are most likely to remember the beginning and end of something due to what is known as the serial effect and primacy and recency biases. Therefore, try to end on a high. And that is not about ending with a clever remark, it is about how you feel. Emotions shape our memory more strongly than data and people are more likely to remember you if the feelings related to that memory are positive.

Ending a good discussion

So, keep doing what you have been doing. Be positive, smile, and stay interested in the other person. Just don’t outstay your welcome. If the other person starts to give shorter answers, glances at their watch or away to other parts of the room (such as the exit) then these are all cues that it is time to wrap up. Ideally, you want to finish a conversation before these behaviours manifest, but that can’t always be helped. So, when you do pick up on the signals then get ready to finish. Once again, be nice. You can say – genuinely – how much you enjoyed meeting them and the conversation.

Getting contact details

If you want to keep in contact with that person, now is the time to ask. It is a judgement call as to how to go about this. A phone number is quite a big deal so think before you ask. An email often feels less intimate, and some social media platforms (such as LinkedIn) are relatively low-pressure ways to stay connected. Hopefully, your conversation will give you some context and clues as to the best way to connect.

And if they say no, don’t worry and don’t take it personally. Just say “No problem, lovely to meet” or something similar. If someone you have just met does not want to share their details, then don’t feel rejected. If you enjoyed the conversation, then that should be a reward in itself. You should also feel more confident as you have proved that speaking to strangers is something you can do and good discourse can happen.

Ending a bad conversation

It does not matter how attractive, rich, famous, intelligent, or successful someone is, if they are rude, negative, or dismissive of you, they are not worth spending time with. If someone is behaving negatively, just end the conversation politely and walk away. Don’t take it personally. Being rude or a bore is the other person’s problem, not yours. Don’t carry their negativity; take confidence from the fact that you were brave enough to try, compliment yourself on remaining civil and then take thanks that you don’t have to spend your time with someone who is an emotional drain.

The things to remember when speaking to someone you don’t know

Hopefully, you can now see that with the help of a little science, we can all be more confident in speaking to strangers and having good conversations with people we have just met. I can speak from experience, as an introvert, that knowing a little bit of psychology can go a long way and I have gone from being a nervous introvert to enjoying meeting new people.

Just remember, before you approach someone, have belief in yourself, take a breath and maintain a good body posture.

Get to the right proximity to the other person, be inquisitive and remain positive.

Finally, finish well. Be alert to any signs that the conversation needs to end. Don’t outstay your welcome. Be sensitive if you want contact details and don’t take rejection personally. Finally, permit yourself to exit a negative dialogue.

After all, the end of one conversation is just the opportunity to start another. So, what are you waiting for?