The Best Books on Influence, Persuasion and Negotiation

How do you influence others? What make makes someone persuasive? Which skills do you need for effective negotiation?

You may not think that these questions are that important to you but consider: how many times today have you had to communicate with someone? Chances are in each of these interactions you have had to put a point across, ask someone to do something or come to an agreement on something. Simply put, this is influence, persuasion and negotiation. All three are key building blocks of effective communication.

Influencing, persuading and negotiating are therefore essential skills for everyone — not just for those in the sales, marketing or business development teams. By the way, if you are a job seeker, business owner, freelancer or self-employed you are the sales, marketing and business development team, whether you know it or not!

And this is certainly not just about the corporate sector. Whether you are an writer, actor, teacher, parent, scientist, coder, law-enforcement officer or working in the charitable sector, knowing more about influence and persuasion will make you more effective at what you do.

If you are a leader then you definitely need to hone your skills in this area. As the leadership expert John C Maxwell said:

“Leadership is not about titles, positions or flowcharts. It is about one life influencing another.”

I have picked the resources that I have found most helpful, particular in my capacities as a leader and coach. Most of these titles are already very popular and you maybe familiar with some but I hope there is at least one new title or perspective you can find in the list below. Enjoy!

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert B Cialdini

Want to read one book on influencing and persuading people? Start here. This is the classic work on influence by Robert Cialdini. Pretty much every other book or expert on the subject of psychology, sales and communication makes reference to Cialdini. Make yourself an expert too!

Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and William Ury

Do you want to improve your negotiation skills? Another seminal work, ‘Getting to Yes’ is all about the art of negotiation. What sets this book aside is the concept of using empathy as a start point and aiming for ‘win-win’ rather than ‘win-lose’ outcomes. In other words, reaching an agreement that is to the benefit to all parties, rather than the traditional dynamic (particularly in sales) where one side of the negotiations is left worse off.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R Covey

Has anyone not heard of this book? If you haven’t then you are missing a treat. For starters, it was Stephen Covey who took the concept of ‘win-win’ and moved it into modern management parlance by applying it beyond just negotiations and adopting it as a habit (the fourth habit: think ‘win-win’) for all our interactions with people. The 7 Habits is probably the most popular business and self-help book of all time and — even after 30 years since first being published- it remains as relevant as ever. I keep going back to this book, it is a fantastic resource, so get one if you don’t have it already.

Time to Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind by Nancy Kline

Do you think you are good at listening? Don’t assume so until you have read this. Active or empathetic listening is a critical skill and vital if you want to be effective in influencing a persuading people. In ‘Time to Think’ Nancy Kline develops the concept of creating a ‘Thinking Environment’ and gives practical approaches and tips on truly effective listening. Her work and research has shown how this is foundational to quality thought, creativity and communication.

The Art of Strategy: A Game Theorist’s Guide to Success in Business and Life by Avinash K Dixit and Barry J Nalebuff

Scared by the concept of mathematical models? Don’t be! This is an accessible introduction to Game Theory, the mathematical models and strategic psychology behind decision-making. The popular terms ‘win-win’ and ‘win-lose’ (already mentioned above) are from Game Theory and this book explores many of the common terms, aspects and models of the field (such as The Prisoners’ Dilemma) that you are probably aware of but have not considered how you could apply. The Art of Strategy gives just enough theory, layered with examples, to allow a common sense application of this fascinating science of decision making.

Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wellness and Happiness by Richard H Thaler and Cass R Sunstein

Want to help people make better choices? Nudge is all about just that. Thaler and Sunstein take the art of influence onto the grand scale and explore what it takes to persuade and move large masses of people towards healthier and more productive lifestyles. Behavioral science has never been more interesting or accessible than in Nudge. Nudge has been hugely influential and is another must-read, particularly for policy makers and anyone involved in mass communications.

Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Take Hold and Others Come Unstuck by Chip Heath and Dan Heath

Why do some ideas take hold more than others? To answer this question, Chip and Dan Heath have studied information hooks and the essence of what makes messages persistent. This book is fascinating and will change the way you pitch your next idea or even draft your next email. It is an invaluable resource for learning how to be concise, effective and ‘sticky’ with your communications.

Rapport: The Four Ways to Read People by Emily Alison and Laurence Alison

Want to know how to deal with difficult people? Wondering how to quickly build trust and effective communication? Then read Rapport by Emily and Laurence Alison. Emily and Laurence are experts in forensic psychology who have spent more than 30 years studying rapport building under the most challenging circumstances; namely through investigating the interrogation of terrorists and how (without torture) interrogators were able to establish trust with and gain information from their subjects. A fascinating read with lots of practical application to everyday communications and building relationships.

To Sell is Human by Daniel H Pink

What do you think when you hear the term ‘sales person’? Do you picture yourself? Probably not but this book may well challenge your thinking. Dan Pink writes accessibly and this short tome brings together much of the subject matter in the field of persuasion, influence and negotiation (including many of the books above) and is therefore a good way into the subject area. Dan Pink also helps to de-bunk the popular negative stereotype of sales and sales people and challenges more traditional sales practices. Therefore this is the sales book for all those (such as me) who hate the idea of the hard-sell!

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for people who want greater clarity, purpose and success. There is a wealth of resources to boost your effectiveness in achieving goals, your leadership of yourself and others, and your decision-making.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you find information on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and assisting them in achieving their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

Adventurous Leaders Wanted

Me too! I am an adventurous soul and I love journeying alongside leaders with similar passions.

Ernest Shackleton has long been a hero of mine and I have always been inspired by the advert he posted for volunteers to come with him to Antarctica. Well I am not going to Antarctica (not just yet at least) but adventure and success are definitely on the menu.

“Through endurance we conquer.”

Ernest Shackleton (author of South)

How to develop as an adventurous leader

I am a great believer in coaching and mentoring of leaders, but coaching based in the context of experience, challenge and adventure. I have various leadership commitments of my own and I see raising up other leaders as part of my key responsibilities of being a leader.

Due to my other commitments, and my approach to coaching and mentoring, I only do one-to-one coaching for a maximum of 10 individuals at any one time. I also only coach people who are equally dedicated. People’s mind-sets and motivations mean more to me than seniority, sector or any other factor. Unlike with the Shackleton advert, you don’t have to be a man in order to apply!

I do now have a couple of coaching slots free so please do contact me if you, or someone you know, fits this bill:

  • Do you have an adventurous mind-set?
  • Do you want to be challenged?
  • Do you want to develop as a leader?
  • Do you want to unlock your creativity?
  • Do you want to make better decisions?
  • Do you want to achieve better balance across all aspects of life?

If the answer is yes to all the questions above please do drop me a line and we can talk further. Looking forward to hearing from you!

If you would like to understand more about my approach to coaching then please read An Introduction to Coaching.

“Difficulties are just things to overcome, after all.”

Ernest Shackleton (author of South)

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for people who want greater clarity, purpose and success. There is a wealth of resources to boost your effectiveness in achieving goals, your leadership of yourself and others, and your decision-making.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you find information on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and assisting them in achieving their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

Why Fear-Based Leadership is a Poor Strategy

Like many, I was shocked and saddened to read that HRH Prince Philip had died. I had the pleasure of meeting him just once. It was just one of his estimated 22,219 solo engagements, so I am just one of the many thousands of people that the Duke of Edinburgh met in his many years of public service.

I was immediately reminded of our encounter. It was amazing to meet the Prince but unfortunately the experience was marred by the fear that I felt at the time. Fear of failure, that ironically, led to failure.


A Royal encounter

My fleeting encounter with the Duke of Edinburgh was at the passing-out parade at Welbeck College. I was a student there and must have been 17 or 18 years old at the time.

Welbeck College was a military school and we had pretty regular parades, but a royal guest was a big deal. What’s more, Prince Philip was a respected military man in his own right, having had a distinguished career in the Navy, including combat experience in the Second World War. Therefore, we had been preparing extra hard and received a considerable number of extra instructions on our conduct and behaviour. Inspections also became all the more stringent.

I still remember the RSM (Regimental Sergeant Major) giving a stern brief about what we were and were not allowed to do when the Prince was there. He finished off by saying, “And whatever you do, don’t contradict him!” or words to that effect.

The RSM was a fearful Scottish character. He was short in stature, but his voice made up for it. I can still recollect his voice commanding, “there will be no smoking on the college rooves!” He gave many other motivational speeches, generally after whichever latest student misdemeanour. Woe to the one who might fall under his wrath!

Choking under pressure

So, as the Prince inspected the parade, passing down the line, with the RSM in-tow, I could not help but playing over in my mind all the RSM’s colourful threats. Then, to my shock, the Prince stopped in front of me and asked a question.

“So, you are off on exercise next week?”

The Prince was referring to our annual military training camp that happened in the holidays. Prince Philip smiled; he was obviously doing his best to put me at ease. But, as far as I was concerned, the pressure was on. I had to reply.

So, without thinking I said: “No, actually it’s the week after next.”

At that moment I realised what I had done. I had contradicted the Duke. I could see the RSM out of the corner of my eye. He was attempting to smile, but there was no laughter in his eyes. His face wore a grimace that said, “Ash, I am going to hunt you down and kill you.”

I was so scared I can’t remember what the Prince said in reply. Ever the consummate professional, I don’t think he was phased at all by the idiocy of this young man.

The Prince continued his way down the line of cadets. His smile was unbroken, his manner as relaxed as ever. I, however, sweated it out until the parade was over. Then, I spent the rest of the school term avoiding the RSM.

Fear is a poor motivator

Isn’t it funny that so many of our mistakes are born out of fear and worry? Thinking about the RSM still sends a shiver down my back. It just goes to show: fear is not a good motivator.

Prince Philip was deeply committed to public service and had high expectations of himself and others. Despite this, and his position, he always tried to put people at ease. This was in contrast to the fear that the RSM inspired.

Reflecting on these contrasting approaches has certainly changed the way I work with people. As the Google study confirmed, leaders should be creating an environment of psychological safety where people can make mistakes. The funny thing is, if people aren’t afraid, they make fewer mistakes anyway. Ironic.

We all have something to learn from the Duke of Edinburgh. No matter what our position, we should always maintain our humour and humility. And as leaders, we should seek to put people at ease to get the best out of them.


HRH Prince Philip you will be missed. I can just echo the words of President Obama:

“As the world mourns his loss, we send our warmest wishes and deepest sympathies to the Queen, their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren; and everyone who knew and loved this remarkable man.”

Barak Obama

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for people who want greater clarity, purpose and success. There is a wealth of resources to boost your effectiveness in achieving goals, your leadership of yourself and others, and your decision-making.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you find information on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and assisting them in achieving their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

Is There a Crisis in Leadership in the West?

This episode (recorded in London, November 2019) provides something of a platform to this podcast series. Andy Tilsley and I talk about leadership in broad terms; its definition, and the challenges of leadership that we see in the world today.

About our guest: Andy Tilsley (00:21)

Andy has over 20 years worth of leadership experience. He studied psychology at Exeter University, before moving to the BBC to work as a news and sports journalist spending many a happy (and some sad) hours commentating on his beloved Wolverhampton Wanderers. Since then, he has primarily worked in the voluntary sector and in his spare time, he’s a keen writer. He is currently working on three novels and a non-fiction book on leadership.

How do we define leadership? (01:30)

Leadership is probably best defined as influence. The author David Foster Wallace, in his parable the ‘Infinite Jest’ demonstrates that we are all being shaped by our culture. That cultural influence creates change in all of us and can therefore be seen as a form of leadership.

(03:30) As leadership is influence, then we are all leaders to a lesser or greater extent. Sometimes that influence is manifest in small ways. Andy’s first experience of leadership was helping others in small ways, supporting them through listening, encouraging and giving advice. This is something we all do as friends and colleagues, no matter what our position.

This is why leadership as influence is a useful definition as we all shape the world around us – whether we realise it or not. Leadership is taking responsibility for that change. We need to be conscious of being leaders and then have a plan for the change we want.

(N.B. Apologies folks, in error I say James Maxwell in this section! I of course mean John C Maxwell, author of The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership.)

Which leadership experts do you rate? (05:10)

Andy’s favourite leadership expert is Simon Sinek, author of Start with Why. Simon Sinek’s material is very accessible, engaging and practical. Andy’s favourite book is Leaders Eat Last. This book highlights the challenge that there are a lot of people who have the role of leaders but do not live up to the responsibilityof leadership when things get tough.

Is there a crisis of leadership? (06:40)

Do we have a crisis of leadership, particularly in the West (UK, US and Europe)? There have been plenty of scandals (such as the banking scandals of the early 2000s) that have uncovered poor leadership and shown that many people in high positions are not serving others effectively.

Has our individualist culture undermined the idea of servant leadership? Are we too self-serving? If so, this is not just an institutional problem it is a cultural one. Also, if, leadership is influence and that we are all influencers, then we all have a responsibility to address this crisis. We can all be better leaders.

How can we address the crisis in leadership? (08:20)

The late Rabbi Jonathan Sacks wrote and spoke a lot about the importance of meaning and purpose in society, and our responsibility to contribute positively. We can all bring more hope and positivity.

Darren Brown (mentalist and illusionist) demonstrated the psychology of negativity. If you are in a negative mindset then you miss the good things.

Therefore, seek the good – be positive – in your context and with your influence. Few of us have responsibilities for whole states but all have responsibility for caring for the people around us.

“It may not change the world, but it might change my world.” 

Andy Tilsley

That’s how we can all start in leadership.

Our ability to contribute and influence (11:00)

We all have a part to play no matter how small. This is summed up in the wisdom of Mother Teresa:

“We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.”

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa talked about looking out for the next one, the next person or step; concentrating on that, not the thousands. She focussed on the small things, but in this way, she was able to have a huge positive influence. Change is about getting our hands dirty in the here and now.

Influence can be exerted or expressed in different ways, whatever our roles, situation or context of leadership.

Positivity and the Power of the Team (13:50)

What most helps positivity?

When we work together positivity is multiplied and amplified by our complimentary gifts. We can achieve so much more as a team due to the diversity that a team can encompass.

How do you find out your strengths and gifts?

There are lots of tools to help you discover your talents and Andy recommends the Clifton Strengths Finder as one he has found very helpful.

The team gives the ability and power to face and overcome challenges. The leader is just one member and one role within the team. A team needs a variety of roles to function properly (Belbin).

“The leader maybe the catalyst for change but not the only author of change and success.”

Simon Ash

Dysfunctional teams (17:00)

Teams don’t always work. Naturally, within a team, there are relational challenges and differences of opinion. You don’t always get to pick your team and therefore a leader’s responsibility is to help to forge the team together and get the best out of every individual. In this way, the whole team can develop personally on the journey together as well as working towards the goal.

The importance of the journey and legacy

It’s not always about getting your goal. We also don’t always get what we want in the here and now. So, success is not always in just achieving the goal, it is in the journey itself. The goal may not even be achieved in our lifetimes. Therefore, personal growth is often as important as the mission.

How the effect of focus on the individual in culture (22:00)

Rabbi Sacks has an excellent TED talk that examines our culture and politics:

He points out that the ‘selfie’ is an example of how we worship the individual in our culture. The anti-dote to this self-obsessed culture is living for something bigger than ourselves.

Authority is like any relationship – it does not come through a title alone, but through a decision to trust someone. We give authority to people by giving our heart to others. This is demonstrated in parent-child relationships. Parenting is a fascinating model for leadership as it is relationship and the demonstration of influence through love.

How do we find balance and purpose in life?

Self-actualisation and working out our purpose in life is a challenge. Part of the struggle is that there is just so much advice out there and this subject alone. It can be confusing.

Passion alone is not enough. Shouting about something (for example on social media) is also not the same as really living for something. So, what do we do?

Finding our greater purpose is a large part of life’s journey (and one of the reasons I started ‘The Right Questions.’)

We are all part of a bigger picture. It’s like being part of a huge tapestry. We may only seem to be insignificant or loose threads in that great tableau of life and history, but we all play an essential contribution. We may not ever see the whole picture but when you get the chance to step back, even just a little, you can get a larger perspective of that role.

How do we find our purpose? (29:30)

So where do we start in exploring our life’s purpose? In my experience I recommend people start with the question ‘why?’ (Simon Sinek’s book Start with Why is a great resource.) Asking ‘why’ helps us to understand our values, principles, priorities and passions in life. It’s a good first step.

Starting on an adventure and finding your call is not easy. The challenge – the opportunity cost – when starting out, can be paralysing. We can fear that we are losing out on something else when we make a choice or pursue a dream.

Worth and identity (33:00)

Where do you place your value? What is your ultimate worth? Be careful where you place your worth as it might eat you alive if it’s the wrong thing! (Foster Wallace)

In our culture, we are bombarded by attacks on our worth and identity. Advertising works on creating a perceived gap in our self-worth. It tells us we are not good looking enough, not rich enough, that we need something to make us better. This can make us deeply unhappy.

Happiness is largely based on comparisons. Being happy is often dependent upon the gap between expectations versus reality. This is the premise in The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt. In the book he looks at some of the wisest advice through history, combined with modern research, to understand happiness.

Habits and discipline (37:00)

How do we instil discipline and create good habits?

If you want to understand the psychology of habits then I can recommend The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg. His research has shown that these things can help us more effective at changing habits:

  • Experiment with the reward you get when you are forming a new habit
  • Be realistic – start small and grow the habit and expectations slowly
  • Make sure that what you do is effective: practice what you can’t do, not what you can
  • Accountability to others and encouragement

The discipline comes in keeping going. It’s pushing through the pain. Staying the course when progress is slow. Staying committed when the results seem so small. This is where other people can particularly help us.

Stories that inspire our leadership (44:30)

Stories are important to understanding leadership and powerful in inspiring us as leaders.

What makes a story great? What makes them inspiring?

One common theme at the heart of the greatest stories is love and self-sacrifice. For example, Harry Potter, where love is the strongest magic, or Lord of the Rings, which is full of sacrificial acts by the heroes.

But there is a theme in stories today where the future seems to be increasingly dystopian and full of anti-heroes. These can be useful in examining our behaviours now and how they might negatively shape the future, but they can also be lacking in hope.

We need stories of hope, not least because the stories we tell affect us.

“We become the stories that we tell ourselves.”

Andy Tilsley

That does not mean that stories should be ‘sugar-coated’

Key friendships are also key to truly inspiring stories. They give us a picture or real teamwork. Frodo and Sam in Lord of the Rings would be one example, or Ratty and Mole in the Wind in the Willows.

Information about The Right Questions

The Right Questions is an online resource to help you lead yourself and others better. You can find more by following the links in the menu at the top of the page and you can write to me via the contact tab.

Follow me on twitter @TheRightQs

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If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for people who want greater clarity, purpose and success. There is a wealth of resources to boost your effectiveness in achieving goals, your leadership of yourself and others, and your decision-making.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you find information on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and assisting them in achieving their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

How to Build Rapport: The Aikido Way

Do you have a relationship in your life you would like to be better? With a romantic partner, a work colleague, a child? Do you ever have difficulty reading a social situation and how to best build rapport with someone? Do you find it hard to start a conversation with a stranger?

Join the club!

The fact is, despite the fact that all of us have to have social interactions and need quality relationships, we are often poorly equipped to deal well with people, even those we love most. This is why having emotional intelligence and so-called soft skills are very important.

I have spent years leading teams and coaching individuals – using as well as teaching these skills – and I have learned that they are some key steps to effective relationships and some really simple, useful models to help remember them.

The Principles of Aikido

One I particularly like is the parallel found between effective communication and martial arts and particularly the principles of Aikido. The philosophy of Aikido is essentially about harmony, not conflict, and therefore equates very well to social interactions.

There are three core Aikido principles that map very well to relationships. These precepts are:

  • Being Centered (represented by the circle)
  • Entering (the triangle) and
  • Turning (the square)

Centring (The Circle)

When it comes to relationships, as with so much in life, you need to start with understanding yourself. Centring reflects this need. Before entering into a relationship you need to understand your own core principles, your purpose and how to renew your energy. If you are not centred you will be ignored, pushed around or pushed over. You will come across as lacking in direction, unsure or flaky. There are lots of good exercises to understand your personal values better and if you would like to know more you can read my post on “What are your personal values?”

An Easy Breathing Technique

If you want one quick and easy way to feel more centred then try this – you can do it right now. Breathe. One of the greatest tools to help control your emotions, centre yourself and remain in the moment (i.e. mindfulness) is to breathe. Almost everyone knows that taking a deep breath or counting to ten can help when we are faced with a challenge or boiling emotions.

There are many different breathing techniques taught in martial arts, yoga and sports but one simple and effective one I like is ‘power breaths’. To do this all you do is:

  1. Breathe in for a count of three, and hold your breath for a count of three,
  2. Then breathe out for a count of three and hold again for a count of three.
  3. Then repeat. I find that 3 sets of power breaths are an excellent way to calm myself, regain my energy and my focus.

Entering (The triangle)

‘Entering’ is when you close with a partner or opponent. It is when the interaction starts in Aikido when you move into someone else’s circle. In social terms, this is when you walk up to someone and attempt to start a conversation.

For a relationship, successful entering is all about building rapport. To build the triangle of rapport you need to have good body language, empathetic listening, and effective questioning technique.

In my experience, the most important part of rapport building – and developing any meaningful relationship  – is truly listening to the other person. Be genuinely interested in what they are saying, not just thinking about what you want to say in response. And, most importantly, don’t interrupt them. What do you do with that thought that just popped into your head as they were speaking? Keep it in your head and go back to listening. That amazing story that they have just reminded you of? Keep it for later. That burning opinion that you have? Wait, listen and seek to understand their point of view further.

When they do take a pause and you open your mouth again, think about a question to help you understand or expand more upon what they just said rather than just giving your opinion.

Turning/extending (the square)

The final principle is concerned with the influence you have on the person you are interacting with. In this case, you are not trying to physically strike, grapple or throw them but you are trying to persuade them in some way. That might be persuading them to like you, encouraging them to do something.

This is not about somehow fooling or tricking someone. This is about being your authentic self – as represented in the circle. And as with Aikido, it is also not about overpowering the other person or forcing them to comply. It is about harmony and using the other person’s energy and direction to allow this to happen. It is about using, turning and re-directing the energy and power that the other person provides. In this way, Aikido and conversation are more akin to dancing than to boxing (or at least it should be!)

Authenticity leads to trust, trust to persuasion, and persuasion to commitment.

The expression of this commitment may be something very small: in the course of an initial meeting, it might just be giving the time it takes to have the conversation. It might just share some tiny bit of personal information; an opinion, an experience a thought. Remember, every little fact we choose to share about ourselves is a commitment and therefore precious. Every act of trust that someone else could abuse.

So the commitment goes both ways, you need to treat the person’s time and what they share with care and respect, or the trust, and the relationship, will falter.

From White Belt to Black Belt

As with any martial arts, just knowing the principles does not make you a master. We all need practice if we are going to improve and gain any sort of mastery. The good news is you don’t need to go to the dojo to train in social interactions, these happen naturally every day. Be more aware of yourself the next time you speak to someone. If it is someone close to you, just try and listen more and talk less. See how it goes and afterwards reflect on how it went. What did you learn?

Worried about starting a conversation with a stranger? I get it. Full disclosure: I am an introvert and I am British. The thought of speaking to someone I don’t know, especially without a formal introduction, goes against all my usual instincts. If you are an introvert embrace it. Listening can be your super-power. Just think of an opening question, breathe, ask the question and you are away.

Want an easy start? Then pick someone who is used to speaking to people as part of their job. Shop attendants, baristas and bar staff are generally very easy to strike up a conversation with. Next time you get the opportunity just ask more than one question. Don’t just ask where something is in a shop; ask their opinion on what you want to buy. Don’t just order your usual coffee, ask about the blend that the barista might recommend. As for the person behind the bar, you could ask them pretty much anything – there is very little that phases good bar staff – as long as there is not a queue of other people waiting to be served.

If you are an extrovert you will probably find it easier to start conversations but remember this: two ears, one mouth. Try to listen at least twice as much as you talk.

So go on, I dare you! Start your journey to becoming a social Ninja. Strike up a conversation and surprise yourself; you might even enjoy it!

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for people who want greater clarity, purpose and success. There is a wealth of resources to boost your effectiveness in achieving goals, your leadership of yourself and others, and your decision-making.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you find information on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and assisting them in achieving their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

The Great Man Theory of Leadership

I heard the crack as my collarbone gave way. Surely this should not happen to a superhero. Where had I gone wrong?

Scroll back 30 seconds.

Do you ever dream of being a Superhero?

My cape billowed behind me. This was mainly because my Superman suit was too big and there was a draft in the hall. But the steely look on my face, that was 100% genuine.

The family was watching television, but not me.  I laughed at their weakness. Mortals! They would watch greatness on the screen, but I would achieve greatness, right here in the hallway of our home.

This was no time for sitting around, I had committed myself to the rigours of disciplined training.  I knew that if I was going to make an impact on the world – especially aged 6 – I needed to stand out.  But I had to admit, learning to fly was hard.

I had a method.  In the hall was a big antique chair with strong arms and a soft leather seat.  From the arms I could launch myself to the stairs.  Then I could turn on the stairs and leap back to the safety of the leather cushion.  All I needed to do was inch the chair further away from the stairs after each successful flight. At some point, surely, I would be released from the habit of falling to earth.

Back and forth I went, time and again.  My confidence rose. I felt the superpowers burgeoning within me; indisputably all they needed was some great need, a challenge, a crisis for them to burst forth.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man?

I moved the chair a whole foot away from the stairs and mounted the launch platform once again.  I surveyed the distant stairs in my steely gaze and set my sights upon the third step.  My expression hardened, mouth set, and teeth clenched. My muscles bunched in anticipation as I crouched and, with an incredible force, leapt into the void.

I felt the blood (or was that superpower?) rushing through my veins as I flew, body outstretched.  I could feel the air rushing past my cheek; had I reached escape velocity?

The horizon started to fall away.  My speed was ebbing.  The steps seemed so distant. My confident gaze was replaced by wide-eyed panic. My lofty dreams were about to crash into the unforgiving floor of reality.

Above the sound of the television there was a large thump followed by a high-pitched yowl.  The rest of the family burst through the door and into the hall to gape at the terrible sight of the fallen hero.  There I lay; a diminutive blue and red heap at the base of the stairs, one arm held at an unexpected angle.

Hot tears of frustration and humiliation burnt my (noble) cheeks.  To maintain my dignity and protect my battered pride I removed my hero cape for the journey to hospital.

Great Man Theory

Why did I so badly want to be a superhero? Given the deluge of superhero movies it seems I am not alone in this desire.

It seems that deep down we have a yearning for power. A desire for the power to save. We also seem to want a hero to follow; someone we can respect so much we would be happy if they saved us.

This concept echoes through popular culture but is nothing new. One of the earliest official leadership theories is the ‘Great Man’ theory, as described by Thomas Carlyle. According to the hypothesis, The Great Man appears at a key moment of history to lead. Such men rise so far above ordinary people they are effectively worshipped.

“The Great Man was always as lightning out of Heaven; the rest of men waited for him like fuel, and then they too would flame.” 

Thomas Carlyle

Many of us dream of being heroes but very few of us can relate to this very narrow view of leadership as it excludes pretty much everyone. For starters is completely discounts great women and assumes people are born to greatness and leadership.

This theory leaves us with examples such as Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar or Napoleon. These are leaders who had great power and influenced history but whose methods and legacy are often highly divisive.

I have certainly never considered myself anything close to being a ‘Great Man’ and don’t feel like I was a born leader. Not only do I not have superpowers, I am also an introvert by nature, which is contrary to the traditional popular picture of a leader.

What can we learn from the Great Man model of leadership?

Carlyle was a historian trying to suggest a grand narrative of history. He was not a leadership guru but someone who viewed events through the biography of powerful men. Studying the larger-than-life figures of history, warts and all, can help us grow as leaders.

The negative illustrations of history are perhaps the most instructive. Hitler, Stalin and other despots believed they were in the mould of the ‘Great Man’, but power is not greatness. If there is one thing we have learned from superhero culture, is it that:

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

Stan Lee

God bless Stan Lee.

What makes us great?

Responsibility is using our influence for good, and good decisions are dependent upon good values.

Moral ambiguity, particularly at the beginning of the twentieth century, allowed a lot of interpretation of ‘greatness’. This ambiguity can be traced back to philosophical trends of thinkers such as Nietzsche, an incredible thinker, but one who emphasised the power of the ‘great man’ as one unbound to any external code of ethics. (Hassan 2016). Nietzsche put it this way:

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” 

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

And thus, the post-modern world was born.

The journey to greatness?

You would have thought that the busted collarbone would have taught me the foolishness of trying to be a superhero. In the short term it just changed my superhero aspirations from Superman to Batman. Since then, I have tallied up another snapped collarbone, a cracked arm, a couple of fractured ribs, several broken fingers and a leg in plaster.

I was not born to greatness and most of the time I do not feel like anything special. I take comfort in the words of Confucius:

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

Confucius

So even if you don’t feel like the superhero, the great man or the leader, don’t give up. Being a leader, being a great person, is less about power than it is about taking responsibility and having a growth mindset.

That is how we fly above the lesser version of ourselves.

If you enjoyed this and would like access to some bonus content and get updates then please do sign up to my email list.


References

Carlyle, Thomas (1840) On Heroes, Hero Worship, and the Heroic in History,

Hassan, Patrick (2016) Nietzsche on Human Greatnesshttps://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10790-016-9570-9

Lee, Stan (2002) The Amazing Spider-Man, Vol. 2 #38, New York: Marvel Worldwide Inc.

Nietzsche, Friedrich Wilhelm (1885) Thus Spake Zarathustra,

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for people who want greater clarity, purpose and success. There is a wealth of resources to boost your effectiveness in achieving goals, your leadership of yourself and others, and your decision-making.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you find information on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and assisting them in achieving their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

Is There a Crisis of Leadership?

Is there a leadership crisis? It only takes a quick scan of the media to see that some of the ‘great’ leaders of the world are deeply flawed. There are countless examples of politicians whose integrity is being questioned or business leaders who have pursued profit at the expense of everything else.

Yet these leaders have risen to prominence in our society. They could be defined as great, even effective in some ways, but are they actually good? And if they are not good, how have they risen so high?

The crisis of leadership 

There have been plenty of scandals (such as the banking scandals of the early 2000s) that have uncovered poor leadership and shown that many people in high positions are not serving others effectively.

What has gone wrong? Is it that our individualist culture has undermined positive models of leadership such as servant leadership? Are we too self-serving? If so, this is not just an institutional challenge, or a professional issue, it is a cultural problem.

But, before we go further, what do we actually mean by leadership? Is this just the preserve of the rich and powerful, or for the heads of corporations and states?

How do we define leadership? 

There are plenty of convoluted definitions of leadership, but leadership is probably most simply defined as influence. This is certainly my favourite definition, and one championed by the leadership expert John C Maxwell (author of The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership).

Why is this important? Because, we are all influencers, to some degree, and in turn, we are influenced by others. That is why we should all care about leadership; it affects us all.

We often forget this – and this can be dangerous – as demonstrated by the author David Foster Wallace, in his parable the ‘Infinite Jest’. If we become passive consumers of other people’s influence (and particularly the influence of the media) we give up our gift, and responsibility, to shape culture for the better.

Leadership is influence but being a leader is taking responsibility for change. We need to be conscious of our own leadership and then have a plan for the change we want.

Great leaders or good leaders?

Jim Collins, in his excellent book ‘Good to Great’ talks about how for organisations the “good can be the enemy of the great”. In other words, by doing some things well we can often miss the opportunity to be truly great at something.

But in leadership terms, the great can often be the enemy of the good. Leaders might be great in terms of power and influence, but they may not use that influence for good. These leaders bring about change, but arguably, this change is not positive in the long term.

This type of leadership, embodied by the ‘Great Man’ theory of leadership, is narrow and frequently harmful. So, what does a good leader look like?

Not surprisingly, there are lots of different views on what makes a good leader; the values they should embody and the skills they need to have. For a very contemporary take on this take a look at Umair Haque’s excellent post:

https://eand.co/why-leadership-needs-a-revolution-3c4d7869eeb5

How can we address the crisis in leadership?

The late Rabbi Jonathan Sacks wrote and spoke a lot about the importance of meaning and purpose in society, and our responsibility to contribute positively.

In his excellent TED talk, he examines our culture and politics in the West and points out that the ‘selfie’ is an example of how we worship the individual in our culture. The anti-dote to this self-obsessed culture is living for something bigger than ourselves.

We can all bring more hope and positivity. The question is working out what that larger, positive, thing is that we are motivated by.

Even if you just want to improve your own life this is an important principle. Darren Brown (mentalist and illusionist) has demonstrated in his televised experiments the dangers of negativity. If you are in a negative mindset then you miss the good things; you are actually making yourself unhappy.

Therefore, seek the good – be positive – in your context and with your influence. Few of us have responsibilities for whole states or organisations but all have responsibility for caring for the people around us.

As young Scouts are taught, do a good turn every day. Making little positive changes to our world, within our sphere of influence, is the starting place of a leader.

“It may not change the world, but it might change my world.” 

Andy Tilsley

Our ability to contribute and influence 

We all have a part to play no matter how small. This is summed up in the wisdom of Mother Teresa:

“We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.”

Mother Teresa

Mother Teresa talked about looking out for the next one, the next person or step; concentrating on that, not the thousands. She focussed on the small things, but in this way, she was able to have a huge positive influence.

Positive change is about getting our hands dirty, in the here and now, with the people around us who need help.

How do we find our purpose?

So where do we start in exploring our life’s purpose? In my experience I recommend people start with the question ‘why?’ (Simon Sinek’s book Start with Why is a great resource.) Asking ‘why’ helps us to understand our values, principles, priorities and passions in life. It’s a good first step.

If you want some ideas on answering this question, then take a look at my post on how to ‘What are your personal values?’

Starting on an adventure and finding your call is not easy. The challenge – the opportunity cost – when starting out, can be paralysing. We can fear that we are losing out on something else when we make a choice or pursue a dream.

But whatever we think we are missing out on now, that is nothing compared to what we could be losing longer term. This is (going back to what Jim Collins says) the good can be the enemy of the great.

So how do you start?

Take the first step. Do one small thing to make your world a better place today.


Want to find out more?

If you want to hear more on this topic then check out my podcast and conversation with Andy Tilsley. We discuss the crisis of leadership and how we can start on our journey to meaning and being good leaders.

The Right Questions Podcast Episode 2:

“Is There a Crisis in Leadership” https://www.buzzsprout.com/1748923/8302332

If you would like access to some bonus content and get updates then please do sign up to my email list.

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for people who want greater clarity, purpose and success. There is a wealth of resources to boost your effectiveness in achieving goals, your leadership of yourself and others, and your decision-making.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you find information on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and assisting them in achieving their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

Musings on Leadership: Desire Real Impact? Ensure that People Flourish

Nick Chatrath is an entrepreneur, Managing Director and Master Executive Coach. He has worked for McKinsey and Company, been a business founder and a CEO. Nick has a DPhil from Oxford University and has co-authored a best-selling leadership book. He has coached MBA students, politicians, special forces soldiers and CEOs. In other words, he knows what he is talking about!

Apart from being a serial over-achiever, he is also my coach and friend! Here are some key lessons that I have learned from my discussions and coaching with Nick.

Leaders need to take time to reflect

When you speak to Nick you realise that being is at least as important as doing. In other words, thinking, working out your values, and your approach to life (not just work) are as important – if not more important – than your goals or your achievements.

Being this self-aware requires time. Time to reflect upon who we are and why we do things. Coaching plays a large part in creating time for reflection for leaders, and that creative process is one of the things that motivates Nick as a coach. I have seen first-hand the importance of this for myself and the leaders I coach.

One fascinating tool that Nick employs to encourage this sort of contemplation is ‘The Labyrinth’.

The Labyrinth

The Labyrinth is a reflective tool that takes clients on a journey to explore spiritual intelligence. The idea is based upon the labyrinths designed into old cathedrals, such as Chartres Cathedral in France. The labyrinth is a physical path or a track you follow, with stop-off points to allow reflection. The inspiration at each station could be a piece of text, an object, some music, or anything else that engages the senses and triggers the imagination. In this process, people can start to connect their ‘being’ to their ‘doing’ and deeply consider vital themes and ideas.

The Labyrinth effectively creates a mindful walk, which is something I have found one can replicate (if only in part) by being more mindful on a walk, no matter where you are. If you are anything like me, then generally you like to stride out and make progress when you walk. Taking time to pause can be almost physically painful! Therefore, it has become a discipline to stop, and use my senses on these types of walk.

If you want to try and do the same, you can try this. Go for a wander, it does not matter where, as long as you can avoid interruptions and choose some good places to stop and think. For example, to help you could:

  • Pick up or touch a small object such as a pebble or leaf. How does it feel? How was it made, or how did it get there? What role does it play in the larger environment? Answer the same questions for yourself.
  • Smell a blossom or fresh-cut grass. What memory does it invoke? What were you like then? How have you changed?
  • Listen to the wind or some flowing water. How does that make you feel? Do you feel better or worse? How do you want to feel?

There are of course many other questions you could ask; these are just examples. You can be very specific if you want and use objects to think about an issue that is on your mind. On the other hand, sometimes the best results come from just meditating on the object and letting the thoughts come on their own.

Find a leadership model that works for you

“All models are wrong, but some are useful.”

George E P Box

No model or approach is perfect, but they can be instructive. Therefore, find a leadership model that works for you – relevant to your experience – and then apply it.

One leadership approach that Nick favours is ‘Healthy Leadership’. Healthy leadership is a model based on work by Keller and Price (of McKinsey and Company, and authors of Beyond Performance) to maximise organisational performance and health.

Healthy leadership looks to keep a balance between the performance needs of the company and supporting the needs of the individual within the organisation. By contrast, an unhealthy organisation has these things out of balance and will start to fail.

Leaders help others to flourish

When things are in balance, organisations succeed, and people flourish. So, good leaders maintain the balance and help people flourish. This approach to leadership – one that promotes human flourishing – is motivated by wanting to help others.

Leadership is not just about executing a vision; it’s about fostering an environment where others can do their finest thinking and finest work. A coaching, less directive approach to leadership, gives the opportunity to help people flourish and have an impact, as a leader, through the success of others. You don’t have to be a professional coach to take this sort of approach. You just need to care about the people you lead and truly want them to succeed in life and work.

One simple way to start is by asking more questions. The next time you see a colleague or employee don’t make a statement, ask a question instead. And I don’t mean a pointed question such as ‘where is the work I asked for?’ or ‘why didn’t you do what I asked?’ I mean questions that build empathy and understanding such as ‘what are you working on?’ or ‘what challenges are you facing today?’

Acts of leadership are more important than leadership roles

Here is a challenging thought: Perhaps there are no leaders, just acts of leadership.

We often think about leadership as a role, but this misses out on large aspects of what leadership really is.

Thinking about leadership as what we do and how we do it (rather than just the role we fulfil) is a releasing concept, as it empowers us all. We can all be leaders in this sense, no matter how many people are following us when we look over our shoulder.

Don’t worry about the official number of people that you directly manage, or at least don’t make that your primary measure. If you are a pioneer, you may not have any people follow you immediately. Equally, in your situation, you may just be leading yourself. That is not a problem as leading yourself effectively is foundational to leading others well.

What matters is what you do and how you do it. Whatever your measure of influence, use it well. Take responsibility for your actions and make a positive impact.

Leadership is impact

Why are leadership acts more important than leadership roles? Because leadership is impact. It is the difference you make in people and in the world.

This impact is manifest in various spheres for example:

  • Self or an individual
  • A team, or community
  • In a larger organisation, network, or society

We all have some level of influence in these different spheres. What you do with that influence is more important than how much power you think you have.

Leaders are servants (but not slaves)

Serving others can be counter-cultural. Western culture can be very individualist and self-absorbed. Leadership in this setting can be expressed as a cult, centred on an individual. We all know of famous sports coaches hired to magically turn a team around, or celebrity CEOs, parachuted in to boost the share price. Leaders trying to emulate this type of model can wrongly try to be the hero or the saviour in their situation.

This misses the point that leadership is service. Good leaders value the people they lead. It is about valuing the whole person – which in turn comes back to the idea of leaders ensuring that people flourish.

“Serve to Lead”

Motto of the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst

The paradox of servant leadership is that good servant leaders nurture themselves as well as others. They are not slaves to other’s needs or whims. It’s also not selfish to lead yourself well. You need to lead yourself effectively if you are going to lead others.

For example, if you put in long hours, just because you think you should, you will miss out on rest, exercise, and proper food. That will soon reduce your energy levels and emotional resilience. This in turn will reduce your ability to make decisions and reduce your effectiveness as a leader. Serving others may be about sacrifice at times but it is not about being a pointless martyr.

Leaders create the right environment 

Leaders create an environment where people thrive. Research has shown that this is a place of emotional safety. A place where people feel secure and supported.

The Thinking Environment is a way to create this sort of environment. The approach was pioneered by Nancy Kline (author of Time to Think) and is based on the premise that the quality of our decisions and our actions is driven by the quality of our thinking.

Leaders can negatively affect thinking and they often do. For example, they can interrupt. How many times have you been interrupted by a manager or senior in a meeting? How many times have you been that person, cutting in on someone you lead?

Don’t Interrupt

Research has shown that interruptions increase adrenaline and a fight or flight response. If we are reacting to a threat, we do not have the space to do our best thinking.

Creativity and innovation come from creating an environment where people can think and share, without fear of being shot down. We should all be fascinated by what others have to say (rather than just trying to put our points across). This is even more important as leaders.

This is counter-cultural though and therefore it takes courage for leaders to create this sort of environment.

One classic example is in meetings, as mentioned earlier. People make the mistake of interrupting because they want to get things done but ironically, letting people speak can save time as people are understood and heard without needing to repeat themselves. If being succinct is also agreed as a ground-rule, then you can transform the productivity of meetings.

Leaders often think they need to be the hero in the situation and save people with their insight or contribution. It takes humility to realise this is not the most effective way to operate. People are also much more motivated when they own the idea or the way to execute a task. Every coach knows this.

Real leadership stories are as important as theoretical leadership models

Stories are key to learning. We share experiences with each other (exactly as I am doing now) so we can gain from other peoples’ know-how and insights, even their mistakes. This practice is especially important for leaders and can often be forgotten when people are chasing after the next great leadership approach or theory. Leadership models are useful, but mostly because they help us investigate and understand the actions of ourselves and others.

The models themselves are generally born out of experience and practice, and this can be seen in the book Musings on Leadership. Nick is co-author of this best-selling book with Tor Mesoy. It is an anthology of short stories and anecdotes, real-life experiences and lessons from different domains of life and leadership. I can attest to the fact that it is a very enjoyable and accessible book; the sort of thing you can easily dip into and read a chapter on a commute.

Leaders are good at prioritisation and time management

One lesson that Nick shares in Musing on Leadership about how to prioritise and manage your time well. These skills are key to any leader and come back to the point that we need to manage ourselves well before we manage others. Nick shares some simple process and tactics for setting priorities and managing time.

Managing your to-do list

For example, if you are creating a to-do list then follow these steps:

  • Make your long list of tasks
    • Then make a shortlist of what you are going to achieve the next day and
    • Next, assign time windows to each task
    • Then put it in your diary

It is important that you follow all these steps because unless you set aside the time, you are likely to never get things done. Or, you could miss the most important things, which brings us on to the next productivity hack.

The secret of prioritisation

The secret of prioritisation is simple: do the most important thing first.

That means don’t check your email or your phone until you have achieved that task! If you set your priorities in this way, it means you are much less likely to be distracted and however the rest of the day goes, you will have done the most important thing.

This concept is sometimes called ‘Be More Steve’ after Steve Jobs who advised that you should always focus on the one thing you can do, on any given day, that takes you closer to success. That task may not always be something you want to do. Hence the phrase ‘Eat that Frog’ coined by leadership guru Brian Tracy.


If you would like the interview I recorded with Nick then check out this podcast episode from The Right Questions Podcast.

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for people who want greater clarity, purpose and success. There is a wealth of resources to boost your effectiveness in achieving goals, your leadership of yourself and others, and your decision-making.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you find information on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and assisting them in achieving their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

Leadership: To Be or To Do? That is The Question

Here is a challenging thought: what if there are no leaders, just acts of leadership?

We often think about leadership as a role, but maybe this designation misses out on large aspects of what leadership really is.

It makes us question how we define a leader. What is leadership? Is it an identity, a measure of influence or the impact we have?

Leadership as identity

So what? What if there is no such thing as a leader?

The first time I heard this, everything inside cried out no! There was a rebellion at the very idea. After all, I am a leader. And if I am not a leader, what am I?

And in some ways, that’s the point.

As leaders, the threat of losing our role, position or title can be discomforting. So much of our identity is tied up with the names we give ourselves. We make the mistake of measuring our self-worth by our position and power.

Thinking about leadership not as who we are, but rather as what we do and how we do it is a releasing concept, as it empowers us all. We can all be leaders in this sense, no matter how many people are following us when we look over our shoulder.

So, don’t worry about the official number of people that you directly manage, or at least don’t make that your primary measure.

Anyway, if you are a pioneer, you may not have any people follow you immediately. Equally, in your situation, you may be on your own and just be leading yourself. That is not a problem. Leading yourself effectively is foundational to leading others well.

Leadership is influence

My favourite definition of leadership is simply that it is influence. I like it because it is simple and is one of the few definitions that can encompass the many and various manifestations of leadership, be that leading teams, self-leadership, thought leadership, and so on.

Influence is related to power, the terms are almost synonymous, but power tends to lead to negative connotations. Power conjures up the idea of hierarchy’s, the haves and haves-not, of abuses of power, or powerlessness.

What matters is what you do and how you do it. Whatever your measure of influence, use it well. Take responsibility for your actions and make a positive impact.

Leadership is impact

Why are leadership acts more important than roles? Because leadership is impact. It is the difference you make to people and to the world.

This impact is manifest in various spheres for example:

  • Self or an individual
  • A team, or community
  • In a larger organisation, network, or society

We all have some level of influence in these different spheres. What you do with that influence is more important than how much power you think you have.

So, we need to ask ourselves: what is the impact we want to have on the people we interact with? What difference do we want to make in the world?

Leadership is…

It is hard to get away from leadership being part of our identity. We have language, we name things, to help us make sense of the world. We also have a role to play in every situation, every team and tribe that we belong to. We might well be that leader.

But let us not mix up titles with worth. Being a leader is about influence, about how we can create change in the world. The way we choose to use our influence defines the nature and measure of the impact that we have. That impact is our legacy as leaders, and that is what will matter, hopefully, way beyond the time we cling on to any title we might have.

So, it may be that there are both leaders and acts of leadership, but perhaps we should judge the former on the latter.

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for people who want greater clarity, purpose and success. There is a wealth of resources to boost your effectiveness in achieving goals, your leadership of yourself and others, and your decision-making.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope that you find information on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and assisting them in achieving their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

You Are More Powerful Than You Think

If you do not understand the true meaning of power, then you could be undermining your success. Studies show that you could well be wrong about the concept of power. Answer these two questions and you will see:

  1. Do you think you are powerful?
  2. If you had more power, would you use it well?

Hold that thought and read on. Whether you are thinking correctly about power is largely dependent upon the answers to these two questions.

You are likely to have answered no to the first question. To the second question you are likely to have answered yes. If so, then evidence suggests that you are probably wrong on both counts.

Do you think you are powerful?

Before we decide if we are actually powerful or not let’s just confirm what we are talking about. Power can be defined as:

“the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behaviour of others or the course of events”

This definition is important to remember. We may not feel powerful, but we all have the ability to influence others and our situation. The problem is we often think of power in terms of what we don’t have rather than what we do have. We think we could change things if we had a little more. A little more power, a little more money, a little more seniority at work.

The reality is that we actually just need to get better using what we already have. As Mother Teresa puts it:

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

Mother Teresa

What would it be like to be powerful?

When you hear the word ‘leader’ what picture first comes to mind?

Studies has shown that it is very likely you will imagine someone in control, telling people what to do. It is also likely that you are picturing a man rather than a woman (BaduraGrijalva).

If you are picturing a man, it is also likely that you picture someone who is dominating their situation (Bartol), coercing others through force – be that physical or psychological. This is due to the negative stereotypes of power in our culture.

It is strange that these stereotypes are so pervasive, even today. We all know there is a problem with having too much power. As Baron Acton puts it:

“Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men…”

John Dalberg-Acton

The corrupting influence of power

But then we hit another problem. We would all like to think that we would not do the same, that we would not be corrupted by power. Unfortunately, the evidence is against us.

Many famous studies have shown that we are all susceptible, no matter what our age, colour or creed. Jane Elliotdid an experiment in 1968 to show the dangers of race discrimination with her class, giving preferential treatment to children based on the colour of their eyes. Brown-eyed and blue-eyed children took in in turn to rule over their peers. Negative behaviours were quick to set in. Children started to discriminate against classmates who had been friends just moments before.

In the equally famous university study, the Stanford Prison Experiment, students played either prison officers or prisoners. The experiment had to be abandoned after just six days. Those assigned as guards started to lose their empathy. The guards started to use force and subjected the assigned inmates to psychological torture. It was amazing how quickly intelligent, idealistic students lost their moral compass.

There are many more such experiments, as well as real life horror stories such as Abu Ghraib, that should serve as a warning to us all. None of us are immune from the potential abuses of power.

I can also speak to this from personal experience.

The Tiny Tyrant and My Part in His Downfall

The Author as a Cub Scout

Don’t be fooled by the smile, this is the face of a tiny tyrant. How do I know? Because it was me. This was me early on in my leadership journey and I did not make a good start, as we shall see.

Despite not being the ‘Great Man’ or born to leadership (see my previous post), my early leadership attempts were shaped by the notion of a leader who needs to control and dominate those around him. What I wanted was:

“the ability to impress the will of the leader (me) on those led and induce obedience, respect, loyalty, and cooperation”

B V Moore

One of the first official leadership roles I was given was around the age of 10 when I was made a ‘Sixer’ in Cub Scouts. This meant I was the leader of six other (unfortunate) children aged 8-10. Much to my shame, I thought that my power should reside in respect for my position, backed up with the threat of force to keep my team in line. First point to note: I was a skinny child who struggled to stand up in a strong wind at that age, so this did not come naturally.

One of my responsibilities was to organise my team and get them on parade in order to have our kit inspected at the beginning of an evening. To do this I would threaten to karate kick anyone who would step out of line. Second point to note: I didn’t know karate as much as I didn’t know how to lead.

Cub Scouts have got it right

At this point, as I sit here in my embarrassment, let me make this public apology to all who had to suffer under my short and ineffective reign as a tiny tyrant. At that point I failed to uphold the law of the Cub Scout, a law that could serve us well in all walks of life:

“Cub Scouts always do their best, think of others before themselves. and do a good turn every day”

Scouting UK

What I was doing aged 10, was leveraging the tiny role I had, and what little physical advantage I could muster, to ensure compliance. This was mainly born out of my own weakness and fear. It was – and still is – a counterproductive way to lead.

The Cub Scout motto holds a deeper truth. The appropriate use of whatever power we have is having a positive influence on others and the world.

Don’t be a control freak

Unfortunately, we can probably all bring to mind examples of adults who fit this tyrannical model. Do you know a manager who loves to throw their weight around, to exert their position of power and flex what little decision-making ability they have? How about an insecure team leader who threatens, bullies and coerces their subordinates, while also seeking the approval of those above them?

But coercion is generally a short-lived strategy. The more we seek to control the more we will struggle. As Princess Leia pointed out to the evil Tarkin in Star Wars:

“The more you tighten your grip Tarkin, the more (star systems) will slip through your fingers”

Star Wars

Don’t try to control everything and everybody. It is counterproductive.

Creating an environment where people flourish

I learnt from my early experiences. I went on to be an officer in the Army and when they hear that many people expect me to be a leader who shouts at people and tells them what to do.

Leadership is influence (Maxwell) but our legacy as leaders depends as much on how we achieved things as what we achieve. Leadership is not about controlling and dominating – it is about questioning things and empowering others.

Success is not just about winning. It is just as much about how you achieve your goals. And if you want to have a team who can succeed, then as the Google team-work study showed, a manager needs to provide an environment of psychological safety above all else. In other words, a place where people are not afraid to experiment, take risks and occasionally make mistakes.

You have power, use it, but use it well

So, if you are faced with a problem today, don’t immediately try to dominate the situation and enforce your solution. Try asking some questions. Understand the problem and other potential solutions first.

And if you need someone to do something for you, don’t just tell them to do it, think about how you can help them to achieve it. What information or resources can you provide to empower them?

Try this new approach to leadership and power. I think you will like it, and the people you work with, they definitely will.

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References

Badura, K L; Grijalva, E (2018) Gender and leadership emergence: A meta‐analysis and explanatory modelPersonnel Psychology; Vol 71(3), 335-367

Bartol, K. M. (1974) Male versus female leaders: The effect of leader need for dominance on follower satisfaction. Academy of Management Journal17(2), 225–233.

Bloom, S G (2005) Lesson of a Lifetime, Smithsonian Magazinehttps://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/lesson-of-a-lifetime-72754306/

Lucas, G (1977) Star Wars: A New Hope, 20th Century Fox

Maxwell, John C (1998) The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, Nashville: Thomas Nelson

Moore, B V (1927) The May Conference on Leadership, Personnel Journal, 6, 124-128

Oxford Languages (2021) Oxford Dictionary, Oxford University Press: Oxford

Rozovsky, J (2015) The Five Keys to a Successful Google Team, Re:Work

Scouts, https://www.scouts.org.uk

Zimbardo P G (1971) The Stanford Prison Experiment, Stanford University

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

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