Pierre- Marc-Gaston said “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” It would not be an understatement to say that asking good questions is a fundamental communication skill and therefore key to effectiveness in all areas of life. But this skill is of particular importance in work contexts, especially in leadership, management and coaching. Effective questions are essential when leading, particularly at the non-directive end of the leadership spectrum, and when taking a more coaching, mentoring or facilitative approach to management.

Once we are listening properly we will be in the position to consider some good questions. I covered listening in my last post (Are you really listening?) and now we will look at questions and questioning technique. As with listening, becoming effective at questioning requires skill and practise. Therefore, having some tools and approaches to assist you will help and provide a framework for becoming better at asking questions.

What is an effective question?

Logically, we need to define what an effective question is in order to identify the types of question we want to use. A good question does not just elicit information, as John Maxwell states, “While bad questions have a negative impact, good questions actually do several positive things: They clarify objectives; they speed up the process of completion; and they stimulate good thinking” (2005:128). I would add that effective questions also develop mutual understanding and challenge assumptions.

Types of question

There are many types of questions, for example; open and closed, rhetorical, leading, loaded, repeat or negative questions. These in turn have been classified in various ways, according to use, be that research, philosophy, education, etc.

Open and Closed Questions

The classification of questions as being either open or closed is perhaps the best known, and easiest to understand, typology of questions. A closed question is one that can be answered with a single word such as ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Generally these questions do not encourage people to think deeply, or to express themselves fully. They are useful for clarification though.

Logically, open questions are the opposite of closed questions. They allow the respondent to come up with longer and more expansive answers. Because the answer can be expansive it allows people to be more divergent in their thinking and choose their own language to unpack an idea. Open questions can be constructed in various ways but generally use an interrogative word such as what, who or why.

When training to become a Bomb Disposal Officer I was taught to use open questions using the ‘5 Ws’ (or 5 Ws and an H) framework, a technique often used by journalists to capture a story by using what, where, when, who, why and how as triggers. You can read more about the history of this technique in my post Question like a Philosopher, Answer like a Visionary.

Incisive Questions

Therefore open questions are generally best in unlocking people’s thinking but it is helpful to have a framework to the questions in order to ensure they are effective. A poorly chosen open question is potentially worse than a pertinent closed question. An incisive question should be like a catalyst or a key. It should help to provoke thought, challenge assumptions and create new paradigms. Therefore it is good to have a technique or tool that prompts good questions; such as the 5Ws, clean language technique or similar.

One good starting point is the Socratic Method. You can read more about in my post on Socratic Method Questioning Technique.

If you would like to find out more about coaching and have an initial free coaching consultation then please email us using the contact page. Just click on this link: Contact Form

References

Maxwell, J C (2005) The 360 Degree Leader, Nashville: Thomas Nelson

Lévis, PMG (1808) Maximes et réflections sur différents sujets de morale et de politique, Paris

When coaching individuals and groups one of the most common areas for development that people ask for is around improving public speaking or presentation skills. This reflects the fact that, for all the advances in technology, most jobs require that we stand up in front of other people and have to talk to them coherently. Even with all the power of social media and other multiple communication means, nothing can beat the persuasive power of a good speech delivered in person.

Not all of us are going to be the next Martin Luther King Jr, Steve Jobs, Winston Churchill or Chris Rock, but we can all improve our public speaking and presentation skills, no matter what our existing level. Whatever your role, improving your verbal communication will help you in the future. If you want to progress as a leader then refining your public speaking will be of particular benefit.

Here are some techniques and resources that can help you. Whether you are a beginner or relatively experienced, these tips that can aid you immediately and demonstrate how you can develop in the future.

Overcoming Stage Fright

Public speaking can be scary. Various surveys have placed public speaking as one of the top ten fears, frequently showing that people are more anxious about presenting to a group than about their own death!

That means that the first battle in public speaking is overcoming stage fright. There are some good evolutionary reasons why standing up in front of a group can feel scary; there are also some great physiological hacks that can be employed to overcome this anxiety.

Having the right posture and body language can immediately change the way you feel and improve the quality or your public speaking. Walking confidently towards an audience, looking directly at them with a smile and an open posture, will set you off on the right start (even if you are not feeling necessarily confident and happy inside).

By holding our bodies in a certain way and projecting openness and confidence, not only do we reassure the audience, we also calm ourselves. Simply put, the physical signals from our body start to tell our brain that everything is ok and you start to overcome the ‘freeze, fight or flight’ response to stress.

Early on in my speaking career I was encouraged to study stand-up comedians, as they are the masters of public speaking. For a good stand-up comedian it is not just about giving a message or even telling a joke; it is about reading the emotional temperature of a room and then connecting with people to up that temperature. That is why people talk about a ‘warm-up act’ and why comedians are often used as compères or master of ceremonies at events.

Here is an excellent TED talk that highlights some of the key approaches in turning stage fright into stage fun:

Charisma versus Stage Fright

The Importance of Body Language

We have already seen how important our posture and body language is in overcoming stage fright, but this importance does not decrease once we start to speak. This is because our sub-conscious is fine-tuned to pick up non-verbal signals from people. When we listen we also observe to check that people’s body language match what people are saying. If there is a mismatch we are unlikely to engage with that person or trust what they are saying.

• Here are some examples of negative body language and posture:
• Folding arms (can appear defensive)
• Wringing hands or fidgeting (appears nervous)
• Avoiding eye contact (appears nervous or untrustworthy)
• Can’t keep still (appears anxious and projects avoidance)
• Face and eyes downcast (appears unhappy, reduces energy and volume)

In the same way that mirroring body language helps to build rapport in one-to-one conversations, actively ensuring good body language helps to build connection with an audience.

Here is another excellent TED talk that builds on the theme of body language and how our psychology and physiology are intrinsically linked:

Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are

The Power of a Story

Humans love stories. We can’t stop making and sharing stories; we gossip, we read novels, we watch films. Story telling has been the method, and stories the structure, for passing on knowledge, wisdom and insight over millennia. Telling a good story is a sure way to engage with an audience. What’s more, it is easier to remember a story than a list of bullet points and is much more fun for both the speaker and the listeners!

Personal stories can be particularly good as – when told with humility – they are genuine, heartfelt and build empathy with a crowd. Your own stories are also the easiest to remember, which can reduce concern about forgetting what you want to say. Therefore, even if you have to cover other information in your talk (particularly dry or potentially dull material) a light-hearted or pertinent story can be a good way to draw in an audience at the beginning of a presentation.

Whatever the story it is worth thinking about the structure of the story and how to tell it in order for the main learning points to be self-evident. First, a good tale sets the scene, starting calm and giving the background. Then, the narrative introduces some sort of challenge that needs facing. Tension builds to a peak and then the story illustrates how the conflict is overcome and brings a resolution. This is a basic story arc and can be used whether your story is three minutes or three hours long.

Here is another great TED talk from Andrew Stanton on stories:

The Clues to a Great Story

How to Structure a Presentation

When you are creating a structure of a presentation you should remember to KISS. In other words: Keep it Simple Stupid! One of the best ways of doing this is having no more than three points to any talk or presentation.

There is something very powerful about the triptych or three-point approach. We have already seen that the story arc provides one three-part structure. Another is the ‘tell them what you are going to say, tell them, then tell them what you have said’ method. This template, that encourages repetition to drive home the main point of a talk, has been accredited to various luminaries from Aristotle to Dale Carnegie. No matter who first came up with it, the approach remains very popular, whether it is a preacher giving a 3-point sermon at church or a CEO delivering a keynote at an annual conference.

To do this well you need to crystallise the key idea that you want to convey both in your mind and in the mind of others. This will need the correct framing and explanation, and here again the use of story can be very helpful. As you progress through your structure make space to pose questions and leave pauses. These can heighten the emotional and intellectual connection with the audience. Also think about the ‘why?’ Why is this subject important? Why should people care? Why are you the person to share this information? Simon Sinek’s book and TED talk ‘Start with Why’ can be very helpful on this subject.

In terms of communicating a simple and powerful message, this TED talk is a great place to start:

TED’s Secret of Public Speaking

How to Further Improve Your Public Speaking

There is always more to learn and ways to improve both the art and science of public speaking. As with any skill, the best way to improve is to practice and therefore I encourage you to take any opportunities that come your way.

There are of course classes and courses that can help you too. Individual coaching can also provide a safe and more relaxed environment to learn and practice. There are debating clubs and public speaking forums such as Toastmasters that you can join to create more opportunities to speak. One thing you can do yourself or with a friend is to film presentations or talks you are practising. In the age of smart phones this is really easy to do and the immediate feedback you get from watching a film is second to none.

There are even apps available that can help you improve your public speaking. One such app is Gweek that uses the camera on your phone and machine learning to help you improve your verbal communication. Gweek provides a great way to improve and get useful feedback without the pressure of anyone else looking at you.

There is always room for improvement so finally, to give some ideas for development areas you might want to concentrate on, look at this TED talk on some of the core skills that have been identified for good public speaking:

The 110 Techniques of Communication and Public Speaking

A Final Encouragement

As your practice improves, so will your confidence, and with confidence you will embrace vulnerability, manage your nerves and hopefully come to truly enjoy (or at least not give in to fear) of public speaking.

Do you have a story about overcoming stage fright or improving your public speaking? Please do drop me a line or share as a comment below!

There are many times in life when difficult conversations come up. Many of the most challenging chats happen with family or friends, but most people – and especially leaders – seek guidance for uncomfortable discussions that come up in a work context.

What is the most difficult conversation you have ever had?

One of the most difficult conversations I have ever had at work was having to tell my line manager that I did not think they were the right person for promotion.

I was working for a fast-growing start-up. We had started as a small team, all good friends, with quite a flat structure, but as we grew there were different demands on the team and evolving approaches needed from us leaders. My line manager was highly talented but some of the things that made this person so good at being a leader at the early stages of the organisation could start to become a problem as the team grew. Other members of the team asked me to share my thoughts and opinions with the leader concerned.

I still remember that talk vividly. Sitting down for coffee, the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the look of hurt and betrayal in their eyes as I was speaking. It was tough, but we had a conversation.

The result? He did not get the promotion.

But do you know the amazing thing? Although it was painful, and that later on, we both ended up moving on to other organisations and roles, we are both better off, and even more amazingly, we are both still friends.

I cannot guarantee that you will always have such a happy ending to a difficult conversation but here are some tips, gained from my experience and others, can really help in those tough exchanges.

What is a difficult conversation?

Here are a few issues that you are likely to face in the workplace, particularly if you are in a position of leadership: What’s the best way to challenge poor performance? How do you let someone go from a position? When do you say no to a superior? How do you stand up for a value, idea, or project when you face opposition? What should you remember when you answer challenging questions in times of crisis or failure?

Fortunately there are some approaches and tips that can help you deal with all these circumstances.

How do you prepare for difficult conversations?

Envisioning

The first thing to do is to mentally and emotionally prepare. You don’t want to be overly emotional in the moment, you want to remain as neutral as possible, and envisioning the difficult conversation can help this. Running through the conversation in your mind, imagining any questions and objections that might arise, can help you both mentally and emotionally before an interaction.

Pick your ground

In the military I was taught to ‘praise in public, criticise in private.’ You may not always have the choice but if you can, think about the environment you are going to have the difficult conversation in. A private space, a neutral one away from the office, is often a good choice.

Getting the balance right

There is a balance to preparing for a challenging exchange as over planning can make things feel rehearsed.  Too much preparation and you can lose the authenticity of the message or diminish your empathy and compassion for the other person. If you establish calm and know your main message then have the courage to take the initiative and have the conversation.

How do you stay calm?

If you have followed the preparation steps above these will aid you in starting and maintaining calm through your meeting. Here are a few more tips:

Mindfulness

Something that will also help is remaining mindful and centred. Start with your breathing. Ensure you are breathing slowly and deeply. If you feel yourself losing your calm, take a pause and breathe again.

Be mindful of your environment. This is where a neutral space can help be a calming influence and give a broader perspective to your conversation, rather than the intense magnifying glass effect of a busy office.

Pay attention to the other person. Pay attention to their body language and truly listen to what they have to say. Giving someone real attention demonstrates your respect for that person and their views, even if you disagree on something.

Be aware of your body, particularly of any tension building up. Being mindful of your body will help you with your non-verbal communication too.

Posture and Body Language

Try to keep a relatively neutral expression and an open posture. Mirroring other people’s body language is a good way to build rapport but if the other person is starting to display negative body language – angry expressions and displays, crossing arms defensively or slumping in defeat – then don’t copy them.

Maintain a relaxed (but not casual) openness. This will also help you maintain an even tone of voice and the right volume. If you tense up then tone and volume rise; if you slump and look down the opposite tends to happen. A lot of difficult conversations happen face to face, for example over a table in a coffee shop. This can be quite confrontational. You could consider going for a walk, and there are some big advantages to this (as you can read here), although bear in mind they might just walk away if you don’t gauge things correctly!

How do you start difficult conversations?

Start with something positive, then state the facts.  This is good advice for any conversation but particularly a tricky conversation. Here is an approach that can help:

Sandwich technique 

People best remember the beginning and end of any communication. Therefore structure your response with the most difficult message in the middle and keep the start and end positively:

• Opening–a positive statement at the start with thanks and appreciation
• Middle–state the difficult facts, acknowledge the problem
• Finish–give the positive steps being taken, highlight what has been achieved and give more appreciation and thanks

How do you answer a challenging question?

It could be during the course of a difficult conversation with an employee, during a job interview, or a time of crisis but sooner or later you will face a really robust question.

Whether you have time to prepare for a hard question or not the best thing to do is remember your key message. Take a pause, however small, then answer the question and make sure that point is put across.

Here is a technique to help you do this clearly, succinctly but strongly:

Remember ‘SEX’

When delivering the difficult part of the message, the acronym ‘SEX’ can provide a useful structure:

• S (Statement) – Be direct, state honestly what the challenge or problem is, without making it personal. Communicate your main point.
• E (Explain) – Explain the context, why it is a problem or how the challenge came about.
• X (Example) – Give specific examples of what the problem is (particularly if its behaviour) and also specific examples of solutions and what can be done.

Here is an example of Steve Jobs answering a difficult question and following this framework:

In this clip he gets his most important point across in his statement, that security is important to Apple. He then explains why security is important, giving context, and then provides a specific example to prove his point; in this case how Apple ensures security regarding location and GPS on phones.

How can I improve my question and answer technique?

Role-playing

One way to get good at having difficult conversations or answering challenging questions is to use role-play. Have someone ask you a scripted or improvised set of tough questions. The more you answer, the better you will become in answering coherently and concisely while maintaining your key message.

Resources

If you want to go a little deeper into the subject and particularly the psychology behind difficult conversations I can recommend these:

How to build and re-build trust

This is a great TED talk highlighting the importance of empathy, authenticity and logic.

Games People Play by Eric Berne

Berne developed the idea of transactional analysis; psychological insight that is useful particularly in difficult conversations. You can purchase the book on Amazon through this link:

Games People Play by Eric Berne.

Reflection

Finally, as with so much in life and leadership, take time to reflect on the conversations you have had and what you could do better in the future. Whether that is through journaling, discussing with a friend, mentor or coach, or just taking some time out to think and analyse.

Do you have a relationship in your life you would like to be better? With a romantic partner, a work colleague, a child? Do you ever have difficulty reading a social situation and how to best build rapport with someone? Do you find it hard to start a conversation with a stranger?

Join the club!

The fact is, despite the fact that all of us have to have social interactions and need quality relationships, we are often poorly equipped to deal well with people, even those we love most. This is why having emotional intelligence and so-called soft skills are very important.

I have spent years leading teams and coaching individuals – using as well as teaching these skills – and I have learned that they are some key steps to effective relationships and some really simple, useful models to help remember them.

The Principles of Aikido

One I particularly like is the parallel found between effective communication and martial arts and particularly the principles of Aikido. The philosophy of Aikido is essentially about harmony, not conflict, and therefore equates very well to social interactions.

There are three core Aikido principles that map very well to relationships. These precepts are:

• Being Centered (represented by the circle)
• Entering (the triangle) and
• Turning (the square)

Centring (The Circle)

When it comes to relationships, as with so much in life, you need to start with understanding yourself. Centring reflects this need. Before entering into a relationship you need to understand your own core principles, your purpose and how to renew your energy. If you are not centred you will be ignored, pushed around or pushed over. You will come across as lacking in direction, unsure or flaky. There are lots of good exercises to understand your personal values better and if you would like to know more you can read my post on “What are your personal values?”

An Easy Breathing Technique

If you want one quick and easy way to feel more centred then try this – you can do it right now. Breathe. One of the greatest tools to help control your emotions, centre yourself and remain in the moment (i.e. mindfulness) is to breathe. Almost everyone knows that taking a deep breath or counting to ten can help when we are faced with a challenge or boiling emotions.

There are many different breathing techniques taught in martial arts, yoga and sports but one simple and effective one I like is ‘power breaths’. To do this all you do is:

1. Breathe in for a count of three, and hold your breath for a count of three,
2. Then breathe out for a count of three and hold again for a count of three.
3. Then repeat. I find that 3 sets of power breaths are an excellent way to calm myself, regain my energy and my focus.

Entering (The triangle)

‘Entering’ is when you close with a partner or opponent. It is when the interaction starts in Aikido when you move into someone else’s circle. In social terms, this is when you walk up to someone and attempt to start a conversation.

For a relationship, successful entering is all about building rapport. To build the triangle of rapport you need to have good body language, empathetic listening, and effective questioning technique.

In my experience, the most important part of rapport building – and developing any meaningful relationship  – is truly listening to the other person. Be genuinely interested in what they are saying, not just thinking about what you want to say in response. And, most importantly, don’t interrupt them. What do you do with that thought that just popped into your head as they were speaking? Keep it in your head and go back to listening. That amazing story that they have just reminded you of? Keep it for later. That burning opinion that you have? Wait, listen and seek to understand their point of view further.

When they do take a pause and you open your mouth again, think about a question to help you understand or expand more upon what they just said rather than just giving your opinion.

Turning/extending (the square)

The final principle is concerned with the influence you have on the person you are interacting with. In this case, you are not trying to physically strike, grapple or throw them but you are trying to persuade them in some way. That might be persuading them to like you, encouraging them to do something.

This is not about somehow fooling or tricking someone. This is about being your authentic self – as represented in the circle. And as with Aikido, it is also not about overpowering the other person or forcing them to comply. It is about harmony and using the other person’s energy and direction to allow this to happen. It is about using, turning and re-directing the energy and power that the other person provides. In this way, Aikido and conversation are more akin to dancing than to boxing (or at least it should be!)

Authenticity leads to trust, trust to persuasion, and persuasion to commitment.

The expression of this commitment may be something very small: in the course of an initial meeting, it might just be giving the time it takes to have the conversation. It might just share some tiny bit of personal information; an opinion, an experience a thought. Remember, every little fact we choose to share about ourselves is a commitment and therefore precious. Every act of trust that someone else could abuse.

So the commitment goes both ways, you need to treat the person’s time and what they share with care and respect, or the trust, and the relationship, will falter.

From White Belt to Black Belt

As with any martial arts, just knowing the principles does not make you a master. We all need practice if we are going to improve and gain any sort of mastery. The good news is you don’t need to go to the dojo to train in social interactions, these happen naturally every day. Be more aware of yourself the next time you speak to someone. If it is someone close to you, just try and listen more and talk less. See how it goes and afterwards reflect on how it went. What did you learn?

Worried about starting a conversation with a stranger? I get it. Full disclosure: I am an introvert and I am British. The thought of speaking to someone I don’t know, especially without a formal introduction, goes against all my usual instincts. If you are an introvert embrace it. Listening can be your super-power. Just think of an opening question, breathe, ask the question and you are away.

Want an easy start? Then pick someone who is used to speaking to people as part of their job. Shop attendants, baristas and bar staff are generally very easy to strike up a conversation with. Next time you get the opportunity just ask more than one question. Don’t just ask where something is in a shop; ask their opinion on what you want to buy. Don’t just order your usual coffee, ask about the blend that the barista might recommend. As for the person behind the bar, you could ask them pretty much anything – there is very little that phases good bar staff – as long as there is not a queue of other people waiting to be served.

If you are an extrovert you will probably find it easier to start conversations but remember this: two ears, one mouth. Try to listen at least twice as much as you talk.

So go on, I dare you! Start your journey to becoming a social Ninja. Strike up a conversation and surprise yourself; you might even enjoy it!

I like to think that I have reasonable emotional intelligence, but I don’t always get it right. One memorable occasion, when I completely misjudged the emotional content of my communication, was when I found out I had been selected to be an explosive ordnance disposal officer. I was excited and immediately wanted to share my happy news. So, I rang my mother and blurted out “amazing news mum, I am going to learn to defuse bombs!” I was met with silence at the other end of the line. Only then did I stop to think about how that might sound to a parent; especially a parent who has had to deal with an energetic, enthusiastic but somewhat accident-prone son! Now, being a parent myself, it makes me cringe to contemplate my lack of empathy.

What is Emotional Intelligence (EI) and how does it differ from IQ?

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to identify, comprehend, manage, and handle emotions. This ability starts with recognising and managing one’s own emotions and then those of others. Emotional intelligence is also known as Emotional Quotient or EQ. The term has been around since the 1960s but was made popular in 1995 by Daniel Goleman and his best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence.

In academic terms, emotional intelligence can be defined as:

“A subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own emotions and others’ emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s own thinking and actions”

Salovey and Mayer (1997)

EQ (or EI) differs from IQ. IQ stands for Intelligence Quotient and IQ is a score of a person’s problem-solving ability, measured through standardised psychometric tests. IQ assesses a person’s capacity for reasoning – which is useful – but what IQ does not assess is how a person interacts with others. That is where EQ becomes important.

What are the components or skills of emotional intelligence?

There are various models that explain the components of emotional intelligence. Here are 3 of the most popular models:

Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence Model

Goleman’s model (also known as the Mixed Model) has five components:

• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation
• Motivation
• Empathy (the ability to
• Social skills

The Bar-On Model

The Bar-On model of emotional-social intelligence has five scales made up of:

• Self-perception
• Self-expression
• Interpersonal
• Decision-making
• Stress management

The Ability Model

Peter Salovey and John Mayer created the Ability Model, which has evolved into a 4 Branch Model that includes:

• Perceiving emotions
• Reasoning with emotions
• Understanding emotions
• Managing emotions

While all these models differ in subtle ways, there is a commonality in emotional intelligence that reflects the initial definitions: that of identifying and managing the emotions of oneself and others.

Why is Emotional Intelligence important?

Emotional intelligence is important as it is foundational to all relationships. To relate to people we need to understand our emotions and relate to those of others. But, EQ is of particular importance for leaders. Leadership, at its most basic level, is influence. And therefore if you want to influence people you need to know how they tick.

As seen in my earlier example I have learned – often the hard way – that clear communication is not necessarily effective communication. If you do not gauge the emotions of yourself or your audience, then you are unlikely to get the result you want or expect.

Emotional intelligence gives you the capability to perceive the emotional content of what people are communicating and what they need. That allows the manager or leader to interact effectively with an individual or team, gauging how they are feeling and what they need in terms of support, encouragement or help in order for them to develop and perform at high levels.

But EI or EQ is more important than just that. People with higher emotional intelligence – no matter what their leadership responsibilities are – have better mental health, more success at work and better relationships, according to Dr Travis Bradberry.

How do you test or measure your EQ?

You can get a simple measure of your own EQ or emotional questions by asking yourself some simple questions:

They are also various tests available, many of them free, that you can access to test your EQ score. One very quick and free test you can do is provided by MindTools. It is only 15 questions long so you can complete it and get the answers back in less than 5 minutes.

How do you improve your EQ?

As with many aspects of leadership, there is some discussion as to whether emotional intelligence is born or bred; in other words, whether it is innate or can be learned. As with so much in life my experience is – and studies back this up – that it is a bit of both. Some people seem naturally more emotionally aware, but we can all get better at reading our own emotions and those of others.

As with everything in life you can improve EQ through practice, or rather, deliberate practice. Let’s use the Goleman model to explore the skill that you can develop to improve emotional intelligence:

Self-awareness 

Strengths and weaknesses

Self-knowledge, among other things, means knowing your strengths and weaknesses. If you need some help identifying your strengths and weaknesses then read Which Leadership Skills Do You Need to Develop Most?

Self-reflection

We all need some time out to reflect. It is important to set aside time to do this – away from distractions and interruptions. My preferred way of doing this is going for a walk.

Journaling

Another great aid to self-awareness and reflection is journaling. If you have not tried this before (or have struggled with it) have a look at Why journaling is important and how to start writing a journal.

Self-regulation 

Breathing techniques

Slowing down and taking some deep breaths do wonders for self-regulation. One of my favourite breathing techniques is this:

• Put out your hand and spread your fingers out. You can do this on a surface or with your hand on your body.
• Then with a finger from your other hand, slowly trace a line up and down each finger
• When your tracing finger goes up, you breathe in, and when it goes down you breathe out
• Work your way from small finger to thumb then back again. Take a moment to feel how much calmer you now feel.

Positive affirmations

Positive affirmations are helpful statements about us and the world. They challenge negative thinking and wrong assumptions. Psychological research has proven something that various religions have known for millennia: that encouraging statements, said out loud or on a regular basis, can change our mindsets for the better. Here are ten good examples of positive affirmations:

1. I can change for the better
2. I can make a positive difference in the world
3. I am loved
4. I can forgive those that have hurt me
5. I am thankful for…
6. Today is a new day and a new start
7. I am blessed
8. I release anger and embrace love
9. I see that every obstacle is just a challenge and an opportunity for growth
10. I do not need to fear

Accountability

One great way to self-regulate is to get other people to help. Being accountable to friends, family and colleagues is important. If you are really committed to a goal or a change you want to make then having a coach is a proven way to improve accountability.

Motivation

Values

In understanding motivations, there is no better place to start than understanding your values. If you would like help with this read What Are Your Personal Values?

Goal setting

Setting goals and achieving them is great for building motivation and momentum. But, to give us the best chance of success we need to specify, state and shape the goals. You can use self-coaching questions to help set and achieve goals.

Visualisation

Picturing what you want to achieve, in as much detail and emotional content as possible is a powerful way to set our brains on the course to success. In this way, visualisation can help turn a dream into reality.

Empathy

Empathetic listening

Listening is a foundational skill. The more I learn the more I realise how fundamental listening – real listening – is to all communication. It takes practice to develop the focus and self-discipline to listen well but you can learn how.

Role-playing

Role-playing is a great way to practice being in someone else’s shoes and seeing things from another perspective. When I facilitate leadership courses, I often get people to practice work conversations from both sides – first playing the other person and then playing themselves – with a partner. It is amazing how transformative this can be.

Body language 

We all have some unconscious awareness of body language but if we want to be more empathetic then we need to have this in the conscious too, so we can pick up on the outward indicators of what is going on emotionally.

Social skills

Building rapport

Building rapport is the starting point of building a relationship. It is the entry point where we try to build trust, establish communications, and create a foundation for further engagement. Building rapport starts with being at ease with ourselves and then carrying that authenticity into our interactions.

Dealing with conflict

We always need to be emotionally aware but no more so than during challenging conversations. Even when dealing with conflict or answering really difficult questions there are approaches that we can practice to help us, such as the sandwich technique, where we start and finish with positives, keeping the hard facts in the centre of the communication.

Communication

We can all be better communicators but for leaders, it is essential that we can communicate effectively, often to large groups of people. Many people hate public speaking but it is possible to overcome their fear and even learn to love public speaking.

We can all be better

So, no matter how emotionally intelligent we might be, there is always an area we can improve in. In the areas listed above which one would you most like to improve on? Reflect on where you need to improve (self-awareness). Set yourself a goal (motivation), get someone to hold you accountable (self-regulation) and then see how you improve at perceiving emotions (empathy) and having more positive interactions with others (social skills).

How to Use Neuroscience to Talk Confidently to (Almost) Anyone

How do you feel about talking to people you don’t know?

Imagine you are at a party and don’t know anyone, or you are arriving at a new workplace. Maybe what comes to mind is speaking to an attractive stranger at the bar.

What thoughts are going through your head?

Are you getting flashbacks to your first day at school? Is your heart beginning to race?

These negative thoughts and feelings are not universal, but they are common. For some people these sorts of situations are not a bother, they just go up and start chatting. But for those of you (like me) who don’t find this natural, I can share some helpful psychology to help you start a conversation with someone new. As an introvert, it has taken time, practice, and the application of neuroscience to become comfortable with initiating conversations with strangers. But it is possible, and you can even learn to enjoy it.

How to approach someone you don’t know

If you want to talk to someone new, the first thing you must do is to approach them. That is (literally) the first step. The approach is all about the 3 Bs: Belief, Breathing and Body Language.

Believe that you can do it

Confidence, according to neuroscientist Professor Ian Robertson, is about the twin beliefs of can do and can happen. In other words, you must believe that you can do something (you have the innate ability) and that it can happen (that the action can take place in the external world).

When you are threatened by negative speech in your mind, focus on facts. Have you ever spoken to someone you don’t know before? Think of a good example, hold it in mind, this proves you can do. Now think of a good conversation you have had with another person; it could be anyone (not just a stranger). Have you got something in mind? That shows that a good conversation can happen. Even just bringing these examples to mind will help prime your brain for the next time you speak to someone so take time to remember good examples and then visualise how a good meeting might go.

Take a deep breath

If you find speaking to people daunting, then it is likely that you will feel nervous. This fear triggers the fight or flight response, resulting in an adrenaline release, increased heart rate and sweat. The best way to combat this natural phenomenon is with another one; taking slow deep breaths. You might want to use a breathing technique such as 5:5 breathing (breath in for a count of 5, out of a count of 5) to help you. But, if you are taking some breaths, don’t stand there staring at the person you want to talk to, that could get weird!

Maintain good body language

Posture is important. If you hold yourself in a confident manner, then you will start to feel more confident. That is because (as psychologist Amy Cuddy expounds) your physiology can override your psychology. So, stand tall, shoulders back, smile and keep your posture open (not crossing arms and legs). Get ready to walk confidently towards the other person. Walk at a relaxed, normal pace, getting ready to look the person in the eyes and smile. Ignore any butterflies in the tummy and keep breathing slowly and deeply.

Got the 3 Bs sorted? Then you are on the way! Next, we can start the conversation.

How to enter a conversation

To start talking to someone remember PIP: proximity, inquisitiveness, and positivity.

Proxemics: getting the right social proximity

If you want to initiate a conversation, you must get within a socially acceptable distance from the person. This is where the science of proxemics can help us. In Western culture, 18 – 48 inches (45-120 cm) is considered personal space, the sort of zone you are aiming for to have a conversation. Closer to 18 inches and you are in their intimate space, and this can quickly become uncomfortable, so bear this in mind even if you are in a loud bar or crowded room.

Be inquisitive; ask good questions

Once you have introduced yourself (keep it simple, a salutation and your name are a good start) ask a question. Make it a genuine one, not a cliché such as “Do you come here often?” Think of something you actually want to know. For example, if you are at a gig you can ask them their opinion of the last song, if you are at a party you could ask something about the food or drink. It is worth having an initial question in mind and I will often think of one before I walk over to chat to someone.

Once you have asked a question, stay inquisitive. Concentrate on listening to what the other person has to say. Then ask further questions following their answers. These can be interspersed with your comments and their return questions (you don’t want it to feel like an interrogation), but the important thing is to give your attention to the other person and what they are saying. Don’t try to be smart, just be genuinely interested. This is an under-emphasised part of rapport building. Often cited techniques such as empathy, finding common ground, and mirroring speech and mannerisms are all dependent upon properly listening to someone. So, pay attention!

Be positive

You are now in conversation, well done! The best way to keep things going and to end well is to remain positive, even if the other person is not. The first part of being positive is remaining in that good posture. Keep smiling, retain eye contact and stay tall.

Don’t fall into the trap of negativity. It is tempting to bond with people by criticising something, in the hope of building common ground, but it is better to focus on the positives. Negative comments and feelings are proven to create strong bonds and you don’t want to associate yourself with these hooks, be that consciously or unconsciously. If someone says something negative, you don’t just have to agree or disagree. Remember, be inquisitive. If you deem a comment to be negative or untrue you might say, “That is interesting, why do you say that?”

Giving compliments is another way to keep things positive, but as with questions, make sure they are genuine. Be cautious when complimenting someone’s looks or even their outfit. If you are paying attention to what the other person is saying it is easy (and natural) to make complimentary remarks. As conversation flows the other person is likely to share a skill, trait, or experience that you don’t have. These are easy things to compliment in a genuine way. For example, whenever I meet someone who can speak multiple languages or has mastered a musical instrument, I am genuinely in awe, and it is easy to compliment such things.

How to finish the conversation

Conversations must come to an end. So, similarly to having a question to start a conversation, also have an exit strategy.

Finish well

Try and finish well. Our brains are most likely to remember the beginning and end of something due to what is known as the serial effect and primacy and recency biases. Therefore, try to end on a high. And that is not about ending with a clever remark, it is about how you feel. Emotions shape our memory more strongly than data and people are more likely to remember you if the feelings related to that memory are positive.

Ending a good discussion

So, keep doing what you have been doing. Be positive, smile, and stay interested in the other person. Just don’t outstay your welcome. If the other person starts to give shorter answers, glances at their watch or away to other parts of the room (such as the exit) then these are all cues that it is time to wrap up. Ideally, you want to finish a conversation before these behaviours manifest, but that can’t always be helped. So, when you do pick up on the signals then get ready to finish. Once again, be nice. You can say – genuinely – how much you enjoyed meeting them and the conversation.

Getting contact details

If you want to keep in contact with that person, now is the time to ask. It is a judgement call as to how to go about this. A phone number is quite a big deal so think before you ask. An email often feels less intimate, and some social media platforms (such as LinkedIn) are relatively low-pressure ways to stay connected. Hopefully, your conversation will give you some context and clues as to the best way to connect.

And if they say no, don’t worry and don’t take it personally. Just say “No problem, lovely to meet” or something similar. If someone you have just met does not want to share their details, then don’t feel rejected. If you enjoyed the conversation, then that should be a reward in itself. You should also feel more confident as you have proved that speaking to strangers is something you can do and good discourse can happen.

Ending a bad conversation

It does not matter how attractive, rich, famous, intelligent, or successful someone is, if they are rude, negative, or dismissive of you, they are not worth spending time with. If someone is behaving negatively, just end the conversation politely and walk away. Don’t take it personally. Being rude or a bore is the other person’s problem, not yours. Don’t carry their negativity; take confidence from the fact that you were brave enough to try, compliment yourself on remaining civil and then take thanks that you don’t have to spend your time with someone who is an emotional drain.

The things to remember when speaking to someone you don’t know

Hopefully, you can now see that with the help of a little science, we can all be more confident in speaking to strangers and having good conversations with people we have just met. I can speak from experience, as an introvert, that knowing a little bit of psychology can go a long way and I have gone from being a nervous introvert to enjoying meeting new people.

Just remember, before you approach someone, have belief in yourself, take a breath and maintain a good body posture.

Get to the right proximity to the other person, be inquisitive and remain positive.

Finally, finish well. Be alert to any signs that the conversation needs to end. Don’t outstay your welcome. Be sensitive if you want contact details and don’t take rejection personally. Finally, permit yourself to exit a negative dialogue.

After all, the end of one conversation is just the opportunity to start another. So, what are you waiting for?

How to give good presentations (with practical tips from TED, Made to Stick and public speaking experts)

What makes a good presentation?

We know effective presentations when we see and hear one. We certainly know a bad one when we are forced to endure it. The phrase, “Death by PowerPoint” was not coined by accident!

That same phrase came to mind to me recently, while I was at a conference. I was pretty sure that death was on the cards, I was just trying to work out whose demise was most imminent; mine or the presenter’s.

Fortunately, I was able to put such dark thoughts aside by focusing instead on what was wrong and how things could be better.

In this instance the problem was not that the presenters were not confident, capable speakers who knew their subject. The issue was that the way they presented their material was poor.

Pretty much every speaker went over their allotted time. Therefore, each section lost time for questions. Breaks were also shortened, meaning that conversation time (important for applying and remembering concepts) was reduced.

Often it was hard to discern what speakers wanted to communicate, the structure was poor, and they were reading from their slides. They obviously thought that because they knew their content, they did not need to practice beforehand.

The PowerPoint slides were packed with words that were hard to discern. To make matters worse, whilst struggling to read the dense text one quickly lost the flow of what the speaker was saying. When pictures were used there were too many on each slide and the graphics had not been properly adjusted for presentational use.

I could not save the conference but I could try to make things better in the future, hence writing this article.

It is somewhat remiss of me that I have not written this sooner because, as a facilitator and leadership coach, I regularly give presentations and coach people in public speaking. From this experience, I have come up with 7 steps for giving good presentations. The seven stages are:

1. Know your timeframe
2. Decide upon the key message
3. Outline the narrative arc
4. Create your slides or visual aides
5. Rehearse
6. Give the presentation
7. Get feedback

What follows is some more detail on each step, with examples and practical tips along the way.

Know your presentation’s timeframe

How long have you been given to present? Make sure you know how long you have, when you need to start and when you need to finish. Then ask yourself, how long should you speak for? Even after getting a slot, don’t feel that you need to speak for the whole time. It is better to have a short, clear message and leave time for questions and discussion afterwards.

Equally, if you feel that the time allotted to you is not sufficient to do justice to what you have to say then ask for more time. If you can’t have more time, think about how to further focus and refine what you have to say.

And that leads us neatly onto step 2:

Decide upon the presentation’s key message

What is the one thing that you want people to take away from the presentation? No matter how long you speak, most people will only remember a tiny percentage of what you say. Therefore, you need to ensure that the thing they recall is the central point of your presentation. Make sure you know what it is and if you are not sure, don’t go any further until you have this question answered.

Who are the key people in your audience? Once you know what the key message is then also think about who are the listeners that you most need to target. Picturing these people, thinking about what they need to hear, feel and understand, is vital information for helping you structure your talk.

Outline the arc to land the message

Once you know the key message and audience, then you can draft the narrative arc. The structure and content should be focused on highlighting and reinforcing the critical information to the most important people. If you are not sure which structure to choose then the Rule of 3 is a good starting point.

Once you have your overall structure, think about the information you need to share. You will likely want to say lots of things so you have to be brutal in your editing. Keep asking yourself, is this information essential to the key message?

If you want your presentation to be memorable, then I recommend following Chip and Dan Heath’s SUCCES framework from their book Made to Stick.

The SUCCES acronym stands for:

• Simple – make sure the message is simple and clear.
• Unexpected – select statements, questions and facts that surprise people (in a good way!)
• Concrete – engage people’s senses and use analogies so the audience can grasp the concepts you are sharing.
• Credible – use evidence or invoke other authorities to make your message credible.
• Emotional – make people feel; engage their hearts as well as their minds.
• Stories – humans are wired to love and remember stories (much more than lists of bullets, facts or random data).

Create your presentation slides or visual aides

One challenge we have these days is that it is very easy to make content. Putting together a slide deck does not need to take much time, especially if you are just scribing bullet points. And there’s the rub. Too often, people think they have a presentation just because they have a slide deck. Hence the proverb:

A bushel of slides does not maketh a presentation!

Ok, I made the proverb up, but the point is still valid!

That is not to say that slides are bad. PowerPoint, Keynote, Prezi, and other such software can be excellent aides to a presentation. But that is what they are, aides to communication. They are not the presentation itself; that is predominantly what you say.

If you use slides, then use the same principles that TED speakers use:

• One point per slide. That means one message, photo, graph, quote, or whatever. Not multiple bullet points.
• Images and photos. Use these to reinforce what you are saying. This is the “picture paints and thousand words” concept. Use them instead of having words where you can as people cannot read and properly listen to you at the same time but they can look at a picture and listen to you.
• Graphs and Infographics. Ensure these are clear (even when the content is complex).
• Use as little text as possible. And no bullet points! And that is not because I hate bullet points per se, I am using them in this article, but don’t expect people to read stuff if you are speaking. If you are using a PowerPoint or Keynote to create a document for people to read (say, after a presentation) then by all means use bullet points, but don’t have them in the part of the presentation when you are speaking.
• Use a common San Serif font. These are generally easier to read. Helvetica and Verdana are good examples and are both recommended by TED. Helvetica is considered to be one of the easiest-to-read typefaces and Verdana has wide letters and spacing that aid reading and impact.
• Use a font size of 42 or larger. Yes, that’s right 42 or bigger!
• Be careful with font and slide colour. Make sure that the colour of the slides helps legibility. You can experiment but remember that black on white and white on black are safe bets for easy reading.

And don’t feel that you must use digital aides. I still love using flipcharts, whiteboards and props when giving presentations and talks. Experiment and see what works best. And that idea neatly brings us to the rehearsals…

Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse!

Ensure you have time to run through your presentation. Don’t spend all your time on your slides and neglect to practice what you are actually going to say. The words you say are the most important bit and should have the most impact. Try with and without your slides. There is a chance they may not work on the day. So, think about how you can do without them. Have a go at using a flipchart or similar to highlight key concepts.

Talking through the presentation in your head is not enough; you need to speak the words out loud, preferably several times. Rehearse out loud, then in front of a mirror, and then to someone else. Pick someone you love or trust first (that makes taking the criticism easier) and then try a small audience. Accept the feedback, refine your presentation and practice again.

Also, if you want to maximise impact, you are better off not reading from a script. It is much better to have a short talk, that is clear, and you can give without notes, than a long one that you have to read out. Once again, think about TED talks and what makes them great. You don’t necessarily have to be that polished but the principles are the same.

Give the presentation

Firstly, make sure you have time beforehand, so you are not flustered. If you can, get into the room early to set up and test your audio-visual needs. Get comfortable in the space.

If you can’t get into the room before you present, then take some time somewhere else to prepare yourself mentally. One of the things I like to do is to go for a short walk. This gentle exercise has the added benefit of working off excess adrenalin in your system.

So, you are now fully prepared. How do you then start the presentation?

When you get into the room, don’t be flustered. Get yourself ready to go, take a breath and ensure you are upright with an open posture. Pause, take another deep breath and without speaking, take a moment to look around the room, smiling and making eye contact. This will gather people’s attention, reduce any chatter, and help to exude self-confidence (even if your stomach is doing cartwheels!)

Now give your talk and imagine that you are just speaking to one person, sharing something that you are passionate about. Enjoy it!

Get feedback

If you have followed all the steps you can be confident that the presentation has gone well. Enjoy the praise that you get in the aftermath; you have worked hard, and you deserve it!

But there is always room for improvement, so also get some critical feedback. In my experience, this is best-sought one-to-one, away from wherever you did the presentation. Also, ask at least a couple of people that you trust so that you can get multiple views.

When asking for feedback be specific. For example, you could use the three traffic light questions for continual improvement, namely, if you did the talk again:

1. What should you stop doing?
2. What should you continue doing?
3. What should you start doing?

If you get the chance, edit your talk to capture the advice you receive. Even if you never give the exact presentation again, the process of applying the feedback will help to reinforce it in your memory.

Planning for your next presentation

Take a few minutes now and ask yourself, when do you next need to give a presentation? Put some time in the diary to come back to the 7 steps and use them to prepare.

Remember:

1. Know your timeframe
2. Decide upon the key message
3. Outline the narrative arc
4. Create your slides or visual aides
5. Rehearse
6. Give the presentation
7. Get feedback

And have fun with it! Presentations can (and should) be fascinating, entertaining, or both.

If you want some evidence of this and examples of great presentations then try one of the TED.com playlists such as their 24 most popular TED talks of all time.