I like to think that I have reasonable emotional intelligence, but I don’t always get it right. One memorable occasion, when I completely misjudged the emotional content of my communication, was when I found out I had been selected to be an explosive ordnance disposal officer. I was excited and immediately wanted to share my happy news. So, I rang my mother and blurted out “Amazing news mum, I am going to learn to defuse bombs!” I was met with silence at the other end of the line. Only then did I stop to think about how that might sound to a parent; especially a parent who has had to deal with an energetic, enthusiastic but somewhat accident-prone son! Now, being a parent myself, it makes me cringe to contemplate my lack of empathy.

What is Emotional Intelligence (EI) and how does it differ from IQ?

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to identify, comprehend, manage, and handle emotions. This ability starts with recognising and managing one’s own emotions and then those of others. Emotional intelligence is also known as Emotional Quotient or EQ. The term has been around since the 1960s but was made popular in 1995 by Daniel Goleman and his best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence.

In academic terms, emotional intelligence can be defined as:

“A subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own emotions and others’ emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s own thinking and actions”

Salovey and Mayer (1997)

EQ (or EI) differs from IQ. IQ stands for Intelligence Quotient and IQ is a score of a person’s problem-solving ability, measured through standardised psychometric tests. IQ assesses a person’s capacity for reasoning – which is useful – but what IQ does not assess is how a person interacts with others. That is where EQ becomes important.

What are the components or skills of emotional intelligence?

There are various models that explain the components of emotional intelligence. Here are 3 of the most popular models:

Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence Model

Goleman’s model (also known as the Mixed Model) has five components:

• Self-awareness
• Self-regulation
• Motivation
• Empathy
• Social skills

The Bar-On Model

The Bar-On model of emotional-social intelligence has five scales made up of:

• Self-perception
• Self-expression
• Interpersonal
• Decision-making
• Stress management

The Ability Model

Peter Salovey and John Mayer created the Ability Model, which has evolved into a 4 Branch Model that includes:

• Perceiving emotions
• Reasoning with emotions
• Understanding emotions
• Managing emotions

While all these models differ in subtle ways, there is a commonality in emotional intelligence that reflects the initial definitions: that of identifying and managing the emotions of oneself and others.

Why is Emotional Intelligence important?

Emotional intelligence is important as it is foundational to all relationships. To relate to people we need to understand our emotions and relate to those of others. But, EQ is of particular importance for leaders. Leadership, at its most basic level, is influence. And therefore if you want to influence people you need to know how they tick.

As seen in my earlier example I have learned – often the hard way – that clear communication is not necessarily effective communication. If you do not gauge the emotions of yourself or your audience, then you are unlikely to get the result you want or expect.

Emotional intelligence gives you the capability to perceive the emotional content of what people are communicating and what they need. That allows the manager or leader to interact effectively with an individual or team, gauging how they are feeling and what they need in terms of support, encouragement or help in order for them to develop and perform at high levels.

But EI or EQ is more important than just that. People with higher emotional intelligence – no matter what their leadership responsibilities are – have better mental health, more success at work and better relationships, according to Dr Travis Bradberry.

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How do you test or measure your EQ?

You can get a simple measure of your own EQ or emotional questions by asking yourself some simple questions.

There are also various tests available, many of them free, that you can access to test your EQ score. One very quick and free test you can do is provided by MindTools. It is only 15 questions long so you can complete it and get the answers back in less than 5 minutes.

How do you improve your EQ?

As with many aspects of leadership, there is some discussion as to whether emotional intelligence is born or bred; in other words, whether it is innate or can be learned. As with so much in life my experience is – and studies back this up – that it is a bit of both. Some people seem naturally more emotionally aware, but we can all get better at reading our own emotions and those of others.

As with everything in life you can improve EQ through practice, or rather, deliberate practice. Let’s use the Goleman model to explore the skill that you can develop to improve emotional intelligence:

Self-awareness 

Strengths and weaknesses

Self-knowledge, among other things, means knowing your strengths and weaknesses. If you need some help identifying your strengths and weaknesses then read Which Leadership Skills Do You Need to Develop Most?

Self-reflection

We all need some time out to reflect. It is important to set aside time to do this – away from distractions and interruptions. My preferred way of doing this is going for a walk.

Journaling

Another great aid to self-awareness and reflection is journaling. If you have not tried this before (or have struggled with it) have a look at Why journaling is important and how to start writing a journal.

Self-regulation 

Breathing techniques

Slowing down and taking some deep breaths do wonders for self-regulation. One of my favourite breathing techniques is this:

• Put out your hand and spread your fingers out. You can do this on a surface or with your hand on your body.
• Then with a finger from your other hand, slowly trace a line up and down each finger
• When your tracing finger goes up, you breathe in, and when it goes down you breathe out
• Work your way from small finger to thumb then back again. Take a moment to feel how much calmer you now feel.

Positive affirmations

Positive affirmations are helpful statements about us and the world. They challenge negative thinking and wrong assumptions. Psychological research has proven something that various religions have known for millennia: that encouraging statements, said out loud or on a regular basis, can change our mindsets for the better. Here are ten good examples of positive affirmations:

1. I can change for the better
2. I can make a positive difference in the world
3. I am loved
4. I can forgive those that have hurt me
5. I am thankful for…
6. Today is a new day and a new start
7. I am blessed
8. I release anger and embrace love
9. I see that every obstacle is just a challenge and an opportunity for growth
10. I do not need to fear

Accountability

One great way to self-regulate is to get other people to help. Being accountable to friends, family and colleagues is important. If you are really committed to a goal or a change you want to make then having a coach is a proven way to improve accountability.

Motivation

Values

In understanding motivations, there is no better place to start than understanding your values. If you would like help with this read What Are Your Personal Values?

Goal setting

Setting goals and achieving them is great for building motivation and momentum. But, to give us the best chance of success we need to specify, state and shape the goals. You can use self-coaching questions to help set and achieve goals.

Visualisation

Picturing what you want to achieve, in as much detail and emotional content as possible is a powerful way to set our brains on the course to success. In this way, visualisation can help turn a dream into reality.

Empathy

Empathetic listening

Listening is a foundational skill. The more I learn the more I realise how fundamental listening – real listening – is to all communication. It takes practice to develop the focus and self-discipline to listen well but you can learn how.

Role-playing

Role-playing is a great way to practice being in someone else’s shoes and seeing things from another perspective. When I facilitate leadership courses, I often get people to practice work conversations from both sides – first playing the other person and then playing themselves – with a partner. It is amazing how transformative this can be.

Body language 

We all have some unconscious awareness of body language but if we want to be more empathetic then we need to have this in the conscious too, so we can pick up on the outward indicators of what is going on emotionally.

Social skills

Building rapport

Building rapport is the starting point of building a relationship. It is the entry point where we try to build trust, establish communications, and create a foundation for further engagement. Building rapport starts with being at ease with ourselves and then carrying that authenticity into our interactions.

Dealing with conflict

We always need to be emotionally aware but no more so than during challenging conversations. Even when dealing with conflict or answering really difficult questions there are approaches that we can practice to help us, such as the sandwich technique, where we start and finish with positives, keeping the hard facts in the centre of the communication.

Communication

We can all be better communicators but for leaders, it is essential that we can communicate effectively, often to large groups of people. Many people hate public speaking but it is possible to overcome their fear and even learn to love public speaking.

We can all be better

So, no matter how emotionally intelligent we might be, there is always an area we can improve in. In the areas listed above which one would you most like to improve on? Reflect on where you need to improve (self-awareness). Set yourself a goal (motivation), get someone to hold you accountable (self-regulation) and then see how you improve at perceiving emotions (empathy) and having more positive interactions with others (social skills).

Stories have the power to captivate, inspire, and transform the way we see the world. What’s more, we are all storytellers. As humans, it is fundamental to how we think and understand the world. In his book, The Science of Storytelling, and his related TEDx talk, Will Storr explores the deep psychological roots of storytelling and reveals six key principles: Change, Cause and Effect, Moral Outrage, Effectness, Eudaemonics, and The God Moment. 

These principles provide a framework for crafting compelling narratives that resonate with audiences on an emotional and intellectual level. This article delves into each principle, examining how they function within storytelling and why they are essential for creating powerful, meaningful stories.

1. Change: The Core of All Stories

At the heart of every great story is change. Characters must evolve, learn, or transform in response to the events they experience. This transformation—whether positive or negative—drives the narrative forward and keeps audiences engaged.

Storr emphasises that change is not just about external circumstances; it must also be deeply psychological. A character’s internal struggle and evolution create the emotional weight that makes stories compelling. If a protagonist remains static, the story lacks depth and purpose.

How to Use Change in Storytelling:

• Establish the character’s flaw or misconception at the start of the story.
• Introduce challenges that force the characters to confront their fears and beliefs.
• Show incremental growth (or decline) leading to a climactic moment of transformation.
• Ensure the change feels earned and not forced or contrived.

Example:

A classic example of this principle is Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, who begins as a miserly man but undergoes profound change after being confronted by the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future.

2. Cause and Effect: The Chain of Consequences

Change stimulates our interest in a story as it makes us want to know what happens next. What is the effect of the change and what does it mean for the characters?

Therefore, a compelling story must have change but also be built on a logical chain of cause and effect. Random events or coincidences weaken a narrative because they disrupt the audience’s sense of immersion. Instead, every action must lead naturally (or at least be revealed to link) to the next.

Stories are about human psychology in action. When a character makes a decision, that choice must trigger a meaningful consequence, whether that is in their internal or external world. This causal chain keeps the story dynamic and emotionally engaging.

How to Use Cause and Effect in Storytelling:

• Avoid convenient coincidences that solve problems without struggle.
• Ensure that each event stems naturally from prior events and character choices.
• Make challenges arise logically from the protagonist’s past actions.
• Show that choices carry weight, shaping the world around the character.

Example:

A great example is Breaking Bad, where Walter White’s decisions—often driven by pride and fear—lead to a cascade of escalating consequences, making his transformation feel both inevitable and tragic.

3. Moral Outrage: The Emotional Hook

Storr argues that stories often evoke moral outrage—a deeply emotional reaction to perceived injustice. This principle is particularly powerful because humans are wired to seek fairness and justice. When a story presents a moral dilemma or an injustice, it captures attention, motivates us to want to find a conclusion, and elicits strong emotional engagement.

How to Use Moral Outrage in Storytelling:

• Introduce a clear moral conflict that forces characters to take a stance.
• Create emotional stakes by showing how injustice affects the characters.
• Let audiences feel righteous anger on behalf of the protagonist.
• Offer redemption or justice, either through the protagonist’s actions or through irony.

Example:

A strong example is To Kill a Mockingbird, where the trial of Tom Robinson evokes moral outrage at the racial injustice in society, reinforcing the story’s emotional depth and message.

4. Effectness: Something Has to Happen Next

Effectness links to cause and effect, as something has to happen next, and also to make things tangible. This means showing rather than telling—making abstract ideas tangible through sensory detail and immersive storytelling. Abstract concepts, such as love, fear, or ambition, become more engaging when they are embodied in specific experiences.

Storr highlights that humans process information best when it’s delivered through action, imagery, and emotion rather than exposition.

How to Use Effectness in Storytelling:

• Replace abstract descriptions with vivid physical experiences.
• Use sensory details—sights, sounds, smells, and textures—to immerse the audience.
• Let actions reveal character traits rather than explain them.
• Ensure emotional beats manifest physically through character behaviour.

Example:

A classic example is The Great Gatsby, where F. Scott Fitzgerald doesn’t just tell us that Gatsby is obsessed with the past—he shows it through the powerful image of Gatsby reaching toward the green light, a symbol of his longing and unattainable dream.

5. Eudaemonic: The Meaning and Happiness of the Story

The term eudaemonic (eudaimonic) comes from Aristotle’s concept of eudaimonia, meaning a life well-lived. In storytelling, this principle refers to the moral or philosophical depth of a story—the profound meaning that makes it linger in the minds of audiences.

Great stories don’t just entertain; they offer insights into the human condition. They help us make sense of life’s challenges, struggles, and triumphs. Through that they create eudaemonic happiness, the satisfaction that comes from overcoming obstacles.

How to Use Eudaemonic Principles in Storytelling:

• Give characters internal conflicts that reflect universal human dilemmas.
• Ensure that stories explore deep questions about identity, morality, or existence.
• Allow for ambiguity, making audiences reflect on different interpretations.
• Create a resolution for readers so happiness can be found in the moments when characters overcome challenges.

Example:

For instance, The Shawshank Redemption is not just a story about a man escaping prison; it’s about hope, resilience, and eventually joy in the power of the human spirit.

 

6. The God Moment: Transcendence in Storytelling

The God Moment is the powerful, transformative revelation that occurs near the climax of a story. It is the moment when a character experiences a fundamental realisation, a moment of truth or new level of control that reshapes their world.

These moments are deeply moving because they tap into our need for meaning and transcendence and provide eudaemonic happiness. They often serve as the culmination of the character’s journey, where they finally understand what they have been seeking all along.

How to Use The God Moment in Storytelling:

• Build up to a profound realisation that recontextualises past events.
• Use imagery, contrast, or irony to heighten the impact of the moment.
• Ensure the moment is earned, coming from the character’s journey.
• Make it emotionally powerful, leaving a lasting impression.

Example:

A great example is Neo’s awakening in The Matrix, where he finally sees the truth about reality and embraces his full potential, marking a dramatic transformation in his character.

Applying the Six Principles of the Science of Storytelling

Will Storr’s six principles of storytelling—Change, Cause and Effect, Moral Outrage, Effectness, Eudaemonic, and The God Moment—offer a framework for creating deeply engaging and meaningful narratives. These principles reflect fundamental aspects of human psychology and help writers craft stories that resonate, inspire, and endure.

By incorporating these principles into storytelling, writers can create narratives that do more than entertain—they move, challenge, and transform their audiences.

If you would like to find out more about storytelling then read:

The Hero’s Journey: The 12-Step Narrative 

This YouTube video introduces the The Five Levels of Listening:

Stephen Covey’s Levels of Listening

What are the different levels of listening, and how can we improve our listening skills? There are various types and levels of listening proposed by various people. One of the best-known is Stephen Covey’s 5 Levels of Listening.

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, talks about the following levels of listening:

1. Ignoring

2. Pretending

3. Selective listening

4. Attentive listening

5. Empathetic listening

This video looks at each level of listening in turn.

For more information, follow the link to the full article:

The Main Types and Levels of Listening

Listening is an essential component of effective communication and foundational to both building rapport with people and demonstrating emotional intelligence. Being able to listen properly is also a crucial leadership skill. Understanding the stages of the listening process helps us to be better listeners and to improve our listening skills.

Joseph DeVito identified that the listening process consists of five key stages, each playing a crucial role in understanding and interpreting messages. Here are the stages in order:

1. Receiving 

The first stage involves physically hearing the speaker’s words. This requires attentiveness and eliminating external distractions.

To help receive someone else’s words, ensure you have a thinking environment free of interruptions and focus fully on the other person. 

2. Understanding 

The listener processes and interprets the message based on language, tone, and context. Misunderstandings often occur at this stage if assumptions or biases interfere.

To reduce misunderstandings, employ active, empathetic listening, using all your senses to pick up signals from the speaker. Think about what they are saying but also engage your emotions, empathising with their feelings and trying to see things from their point of view. 

3. Evaluating 

The listener assesses the accuracy, relevance, and intent of the message, considering factors such as credibility and emotional tone.

Think about any assumptions you have heard from the speaker, these beliefs or ideas are ones worth focussing on when you come to responding.

4. Responding 

Active listeners provide feedback through verbal and non-verbal responses, body language, or clarifying questions to ensure mutual understanding.

Engage your curiosity and think carefully about what you are going to say. You can reflect back key phrases, using your own language if you like to confirm understanding. Then use open questions to explore ideas and assumptions further.

5. Remembering 

The final stage involves retaining key details of the conversation for future reference, which is essential for meaningful interactions and informed decision-making.

The more you give your attention and respond appropriately, the more likely you are to remember things. This is increasingly so if you use active listening, as your emotional connection will improve recall as well as rapport. 

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The Five Steps of the Listening Process Summarised

So those are the five steps of the listening process. 

1. Receiving
2. Understanding
3. Evaluating
4. Responding
5. Remembering

By mastering these stages, individuals can become more effective communicators, leading to stronger relationships and enhanced problem-solving abilities. The stages become a process that is repeated, akin to the Socratic Method of dialogue. 

If you found this helpful, you might also be interested in reading:

Six Ways to Improve Your Listening Skills

The Main Types and Levels of Listening

The Importance of Listening Skills in Effective Communication

What do we mean by listening skills and how can we improve them? How do listening skills improve communication? What are the stages of the listening process?

Here we will answer these questions, looking at the five steps of the listening process and six simple ways to improve your listening skills.

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” – Epictetus

What Do We Mean by Listening Skills?

Listening skills refer to the ability to actively receive, process, and understand spoken information. Unlike hearing, which is a passive physical process, listening requires focus, attention, and comprehension. Good listening skills involve not just hearing words but also interpreting tone, emotion, and context to fully grasp the speaker’s message. 

Effective listening helps to establish rapport, build stronger relationships, prevent misunderstandings, and foster better collaboration in both personal and professional settings.

How Do Listening Skills Improve Communication?

Listening is an essential component of effective communication. When individuals actively listen, they ensure that messages are understood accurately, reducing the risk of misinterpretation. Strong listening skills enhance relationships by building trust and respect, as people feel valued when they are truly heard. 

In professional environments, listening promotes teamwork, improves problem-solving, and prevents conflicts by ensuring all voices are acknowledged. Additionally, good listeners can respond thoughtfully and constructively, leading to more meaningful and productive conversations. As such, listening is a core leadership skill, foundational to the effectiveness of a leader.

What Are the Five Stages of the Listening Process?

The listening process consists of five key stages, each playing a crucial role in understanding and interpreting messages:

1. Receiving 

The first stage involves physically hearing the speaker’s words. This requires attentiveness and eliminating external distractions.

2. Understanding 

The listener processes and interprets the message based on language, tone, and context. Misunderstandings often occur at this stage if assumptions or biases interfere.

3. Evaluating 

The listener assesses the accuracy, relevance, and intent of the message, considering factors such as credibility and emotional tone.

4. Responding 

Active listeners provide feedback through verbal responses, body language, or clarifying questions to ensure mutual understanding.

5. Remembering 

The final stage involves retaining key details of the conversation for future reference, which is essential for meaningful interactions and informed decision-making.

By mastering these stages, individuals can become more effective communicators, leading to stronger relationships and enhanced problem-solving abilities. The stages become a process that is repeated, akin to the Socratic Method of dialogue. 

How Can We Improve Our Listening Skills?

Improving listening skills requires conscious effort and practice. Here are some ways to become a better listener:

1. Use Body Language

Whether you are sitting, standing or walking, maintain an open body posture. Avoid crossing your arms or turning away from the other person. Be conscious of your body and how you can mirror the body language of the other person. By subtly adopting the same posture as the other person, you help to build rapport with them (but avoid mirroring closed or aggressive postures). Engage your body fully in the conversation by maintaining eye contact and providing non-verbal affirmations and encouragement such as nodding and smiling.

2. Focus

It takes effort to truly focus on another person and what they are saying, but focus is essential to quality listening. Therefore, eliminate distractions. Put away electronic devices and pick an environment where you can focus entirely on the conversation. When other thoughts or activities try to pull your attention away, actively seek to re-focus on the speaker. You can even use your imagination to picture yourself putting that thought to one side or shutting a door on mental interruptions. 

3. Avoid Interrupting

This is perhaps the most important thing to do to improve the quality of your listening and yet most people can’t resist interrupting. As Stephen Covey points out, this is because,

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”

Don’t break the flow of the other person’s thoughts or words. Even if you have thoughts or ideas you think might be useful, hold them back, at least for now. Let the speaker finish their thoughts before responding, ensuring they feel heard and respected.

4. Ask Clarifying Questions

If something is unclear, ask open questions to gain a deeper understanding of what the speaker is saying. If someone makes an assumption, ask a question to explore that idea. Gently use questions to probe why they believe that thought is true. 

5. Summarise and Reflect Back

When the speaker pauses, try repeating key points back to them in your own words. This helps to confirm understanding and reinforce memory. If there are specific words or comments that attract your attention, reflect the exact wording back (sometimes referred to as using clean language) and ask the speaker to explain more about what they think and feel about that word or phrase.

6. Engage With Empathy

Listen actively, with your mind and emotions, as well as with your ears. Try to understand the speaker’s perspective and feelings, putting yourself in their shoes and trying to see things from their perspective. This fosters deeper connections and fosters meaningful and constructive interactions.

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Becoming a better listener

By understanding these stages of the listening process and by practising these strategies, you can enhance your listening abilities and improve your overall communication skills.

You can start today. Pick one aspect to concentrate on, and in your next conversation try to improve one of the following:

1. Body language
2. Focus
3. Interruptions
4. Questions
5. Reflecting
6. Empathy

And if you found this helpful, you might also be interested in reading:

The Main Types and Levels of Listening

The Five Levels of Listening (Stephen Covey)

What are the best conversation-starters? How do you initiate small talk, even with strangers? Which questions can help in connecting with people?

If you want to build rapport quickly and connect with people, then a question is the best way to start a conversation. Whether you want to make small talk at a party, need an icebreaker at a networking event, or want to start a conversation with an attractive stranger, these tips and strategies can help you.

Entering a conversation and building rapport

There are a few things you can do to help you be confident and effectively build rapport from the start. You can read more about these in Rapport Building and How to Talk Confidently to Anyone.

Once you have confidently made your approach, you can then get onto a question with the person you want to talk to.

Questions and good convo starters

A well-chosen question is the best conversation starter (or convo starter). The important thing is to pick a question that is not a cliché or bad pick-up line, such as, “Do you come here often?” 

Instead, try to think of a question that is of genuine interest to both you and the other person. Usually this will relate to the context of your connection. For example, if you are meeting at a professional networking event then a question about work or the venue might be most appropriate. If it is a party, you might want to ask a question about the music, the food or mutual friends at the event.

Examples of good questions to connect and start a discussion

Here are some examples of questions that you can use as conversation starters, organised into different types of situations. Some of these questions could be asked out of the blue, but remember, picking the most relevant question to the situation will give you the best chance of success. And remember, these are not prescriptive, use them as prompts and ideas to create your own convo starters!

Conferences and professional networking events

• What is the most surprising thing you have learnt today?
• Who was your favourite speaker?
• Which challenge are you most looking to get help with at this event?
• Who/which colleagues are you here with today?
• What was the thing that most prompted you to be here?
• What led you to do what you do now?
• If you could have any job title, what would it be?

Work meetings and job interviews

• What are your expectations for me in this role?
• What are the best things about this organisation, from your perspective?
• How are the company’s values lived out?
• Which skills is the team missing that you’re looking to fill?
• What are the biggest challenges that I might face in this position?
• Who will I work most closely with?
• What’s the biggest difference about working here as compared to other teams you have worked with?

Dinners, social events and parties

• What music is your guilty pleasure?
• Where is the most interesting place you have ever visited?
• Who from history would you most like to invite to this event (and why)?
• Which things are on your bucket list?
• What scares you the most?
• What’s the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
• If you were a food/drink, what would you be?

First dates

• What’s your favourite place in the world?
• If you could advise your younger self, what would you say?
• Which person from history inspires you the most?
• What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
• What’s the achievement you are most proud of?
• What are your biggest life goals?
• If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?
• What is something that most people don’t know about you?

New environments (where you are a newcomer and want to make connections)

• What advice would you give to a newbie?
• What do you know now that you wish you had known when you arrived?
• What’s the story of how you came to be here?
• How do you know (the host, team, organisation)?
• Where is the best place around here to eat?
• What would you recommend for fun around here?
• What’s the most surprising thing you have learned here?

Casual encounters (such as in queues)

• Can you tell me where the (…) is?
• What do people usually do in this situation?
• What’s been the highlight of your day so far?
• Having fun?
• What brings you here today?
• Which of these would you recommend?
• What advice would you give to 

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Final tips for convo starters with people you don’t know

Questions are the best ways to start conversations, especially with strangers. The key is picking the most appropriate question for the person and situation. 

And remember, questions are just part of building rapport with people, so do check out the post on Rapport Building and How to Talk Confidently to Anyone.

This YouTube video introduces the popular and effective Rule of Three method for structuring communication:

The Rule of 3 for structuring effective communication

The rule of 3 is very simple. Any time you use a triad of information in your communication, you are using the rule of 3. A lot of the time, we do it unconsciously, but there is a long history of using the rule of three to structure arguments, stories and speeches.

There is something about triads that connects with us on a psychological level and supports effective communication. The rule of 3 certainly encourages clarity, brevity, and memorability. Neuroscience research has shown that we can generally only remember 3-5 pieces of information.

The more complex the information the harder it is to recall all the elements, so it is no surprise that psychologically we fixate on threes. This video summarises three simple structures that use this rule of 3. For more detailed information, follow the link to the full article:

https://therightquestions.co/how-to-use-the-rule-of-3-to-structure-your-communication/

Pierre- Marc-Gaston said “Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” It would not be an understatement to say that asking good questions is a fundamental communication skill and therefore key to effectiveness in all areas of life. But this skill is of particular importance in work contexts, especially in leadership, management and coaching. Effective questions are essential when leading, particularly at the non-directive end of the leadership spectrum, and when taking a more coaching, mentoring or facilitative approach to management.

Once we are listening properly we will be in the position to consider some good questions. I covered listening in my last post (Are you really listening?) and now we will look at questions and questioning technique. As with listening, becoming effective at questioning requires skill and practise. Therefore, having some tools and approaches to assist you will help and provide a framework for becoming better at asking questions.

What is an effective question?

Logically, we need to define what an effective question is in order to identify the types of question we want to use. A good question does not just elicit information, as John Maxwell states, “While bad questions have a negative impact, good questions actually do several positive things: They clarify objectives; they speed up the process of completion; and they stimulate good thinking” (2005:128). I would add that effective questions also develop mutual understanding and challenge assumptions.

Types of question

There are many types of questions, for example; open and closed, rhetorical, leading, loaded, repeat or negative questions. These in turn have been classified in various ways, according to use, be that research, philosophy, education, etc.

Open and Closed Questions

The classification of questions as being either open or closed is perhaps the best known, and easiest to understand, typology of questions. A closed question is one that can be answered with a single word such as ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Generally these questions do not encourage people to think deeply, or to express themselves fully. They are useful for clarification though.

Logically, open questions are the opposite of closed questions. They allow the respondent to come up with longer and more expansive answers. Because the answer can be expansive it allows people to be more divergent in their thinking and choose their own language to unpack an idea. Open questions can be constructed in various ways but generally use an interrogative word such as what, who or why.

When training to become a Bomb Disposal Officer I was taught to use open questions using the ‘5 Ws’ (or 5 Ws and an H) framework, a technique often used by journalists to capture a story by using what, where, when, who, why and how as triggers. You can read more about the history of this technique in my post Question like a Philosopher, Answer like a Visionary.

Incisive Questions

Therefore open questions are generally best in unlocking people’s thinking but it is helpful to have a framework to the questions in order to ensure they are effective. A poorly chosen open question is potentially worse than a pertinent closed question. An incisive question should be like a catalyst or a key. It should help to provoke thought, challenge assumptions and create new paradigms. Therefore it is good to have a technique or tool that prompts good questions; such as the 5Ws, clean language technique or similar.

One good starting point is the Socratic Method. You can read more about in my post on Socratic Method Questioning Technique.

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References

Maxwell, J C (2005) The 360 Degree Leader, Nashville: Thomas Nelson

Lévis, PMG (1808) Maximes et réflections sur différents sujets de morale et de politique, Paris

When coaching individuals and groups one of the most common areas for development that people ask for is around improving confidence in public speaking or presentation skills. This reflects the fact that, for all the advances in technology, most jobs require that we stand up in front of other people and have to talk to them coherently. Even with all the power of social media and other multiple communication means, nothing can beat the persuasive power of a good speech delivered in person.

Not all of us are going to be the next Martin Luther King Jr, Steve Jobs, Winston Churchill or Chris Rock, but we can all improve our public speaking and presentation skills, no matter what our existing level. Whatever your role, improving your verbal communication will help you in the future. If you want to progress as a leader then refining your public speaking will be of particular benefit.

Here are some techniques and resources that can help you. Whether you are a beginner or relatively experienced, these tips that can aid you immediately and demonstrate how you can develop in the future.

Overcoming Stage Fright

Public speaking can be scary. Various surveys have placed public speaking as one of the top ten fears, frequently showing that people are more anxious about presenting to a group than about their own death!

That means that the first battle in public speaking is overcoming stage fright. There are some good evolutionary reasons why standing up in front of a group can feel scary; there are also some great physiological hacks that can be employed to overcome this anxiety.

Having the right posture and body language can immediately change the way you feel and improve the quality or your public speaking. Walking confidently towards an audience, looking directly at them with a smile and an open posture, will set you off on the right start (even if you are not feeling necessarily confident and happy inside).

By holding our bodies in a certain way and projecting openness and confidence, not only do we reassure the audience, we also calm ourselves. Simply put, the physical signals from our body start to tell our brain that everything is ok and you start to overcome the ‘freeze, fight or flight’ response to stress.

Early on in my speaking career I was encouraged to study stand-up comedians, as they are the masters of public speaking. For a good stand-up comedian it is not just about giving a message or even telling a joke; it is about reading the emotional temperature of a room and then connecting with people to up that temperature. That is why people talk about a ‘warm-up act’ and why comedians are often used as compères or master of ceremonies at events.

Here is an excellent TED talk that highlights some of the key approaches in turning stage fright into stage fun:

Charisma versus Stage Fright

The Importance of Body Language

We have already seen how important our posture and body language is in overcoming stage fright, but this importance does not decrease once we start to speak. This is because our sub-conscious is fine-tuned to pick up non-verbal signals from people. When we listen we also observe to check that people’s body language match what people are saying. If there is a mismatch we are unlikely to engage with that person or trust what they are saying.

• Here are some examples of negative body language and posture:
• Folding arms (can appear defensive)
• Wringing hands or fidgeting (appears nervous)
• Avoiding eye contact (appears nervous or untrustworthy)
• Can’t keep still (appears anxious and projects avoidance)
• Face and eyes downcast (appears unhappy, reduces energy and volume)

In the same way that mirroring body language helps to build rapport in one-to-one conversations, actively ensuring good body language helps to build connection with an audience.

Here is another excellent TED talk that builds on the theme of body language and how our psychology and physiology are intrinsically linked:

Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are

The Power of a Story

Humans love stories. We can’t stop making and sharing stories; we gossip, we read novels, we watch films. Story telling has been the method, and stories the structure, for passing on knowledge, wisdom and insight over millennia. Telling a good story is a sure way to engage with an audience. What’s more, it is easier to remember a story than a list of bullet points and is much more fun for both the speaker and the listeners!

Personal stories can be particularly good as – when told with humility – they are genuine, heartfelt and build empathy with a crowd. Your own stories are also the easiest to remember, which can reduce concern about forgetting what you want to say. Therefore, even if you have to cover other information in your talk (particularly dry or potentially dull material) a light-hearted or pertinent story can be a good way to draw in an audience at the beginning of a presentation.

Whatever the story, it is worth thinking about the structure of the story. Work out how to tell it for the main learning points to be self-evident. First, a good tale sets the scene, starting calm and giving the background. Then, the narrative introduces some sort of challenge that needs to be faced. Tension builds to a peak and then the story illustrates how the conflict is overcome and brings a resolution. This is a basic story arc and can be used whether your story is three minutes or three hours long.

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Here is another great TED talk from Andrew Stanton on stories:

The Clues to a Great Story

How to Structure a Presentation

When you are creating a structure of a presentation you should remember to KISS. In other words: Keep it Simple Stupid! One of the best ways of doing this is having no more than three points to any talk or presentation. This is called The Rule of 3.

There is something very powerful about the triptych or three-point approach. We have already seen that the story arc provides one three-part structure. Another is the method of:

“Tell them what you are going to say, tell them, then tell them what you have said”

This template encourages repetition to drive home the main point of a talk. It has been accredited to various luminaries from Aristotle to Dale Carnegie. No matter who first came up with it, the approach remains very popular, whether it is a preacher giving a 3-point sermon at church or a CEO delivering a keynote at an annual conference.

To do this well you need to crystallise the key idea that you want to convey both in your mind and in the mind of others. This will need the correct framing and explanation, and here again the use of story can be very helpful. As you progress through your structure make space to pose questions and leave pauses. These can heighten the emotional and intellectual connection with the audience. Also think about the ‘why?’ Why is this subject important? Why should people care? Why are you the person to share this information? Simon Sinek’s book and TED talk Start with Why can be very helpful on this subject.

In terms of communicating a simple and powerful message, this TED talk is a great place to start:

TED’s Secret of Public Speaking

How to Further Improve Your Public Speaking

There is always more to learn and ways to improve both the art and science of public speaking. As with any skill, the best way to improve is to practice. Therefore, I encourage you to take any opportunities that come your way.

There are of course classes and courses that can help you too. Individual coaching can also provide a safe and more relaxed environment to learn and practice. There are debating clubs and public speaking forums such as Toastmasters that you can join to create more opportunities to speak. One thing you can do yourself or with a friend is to film presentations or talks you are practising. In the age of smart phones this is really easy to do and the immediate feedback you get from watching a film is second to none.

There are even apps available that can help you improve your public speaking. One such app is Gweek that uses the camera on your phone and machine learning to help you improve your verbal communication. Gweek provides a great way to improve and get useful feedback without the pressure of anyone else looking at you.

There is always room for improvement so finally, to give some ideas for development areas you might want to concentrate on, look at this TED talk on some of the core skills that have been identified for good public speaking:

The 110 Techniques of Communication and Public Speaking

A Final Encouragement

As your practice improves, so will your confidence, and with confidence you will embrace vulnerability, manage your nerves and hopefully come to truly enjoy (or at least not give in to fear) of public speaking.

Do you have a story about overcoming stage fright or improving your public speaking? Please do drop me a line or share as a comment below!

There are many times in life when difficult conversations come up. Many of the most challenging chats happen with family or friends, but most people – and especially leaders – seek guidance for managing conflicts that come up in a work context. Managing challenging conversations – such as discussions over poor performance – is an important leadership skill.

What is the most difficult conversation you have ever had?

One of the most difficult conversations I have ever had at work was having to tell my line manager that I did not think they were the right person for promotion.

I was working for a fast-growing start-up. We had started as a small team, all good friends, with quite a flat structure, but as we grew there were different demands on the team and evolving approaches needed from us leaders. My line manager was highly talented but some of the things that made this person so good at being a leader at the early stages of the organisation could start to become a problem as the team grew. Other members of the team asked me to share my thoughts and opinions with the leader concerned.

I still remember that talk vividly. Sitting down for coffee, the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the look of hurt and betrayal in their eyes as I was speaking. It was tough, but we had a conversation.

The result? He did not get the promotion.

But do you know the amazing thing? Although it was painful, and that later on, we both ended up moving on to other organisations and roles, we are both better off, and even more amazingly, we are both still friends.

I cannot guarantee that you will always have such a happy ending to a difficult conversation but here are some tips, gained from my experience and others, can really help in those tough exchanges.

What is a difficult conversation?

Here are a few issues that you are likely to face in the workplace, particularly if you are in a position of leadership: What’s the best way to challenge poor performance? How do you let someone go from a position? When do you say no to a superior? How do you stand up for a value, idea, or project when you face opposition? What should you remember when you answer challenging questions in times of crisis or failure?

Fortunately there are some approaches and tips that can help you deal with all these circumstances.

How do you prepare for difficult conversations?

Envisioning

The first thing to do is to mentally and emotionally prepare. You don’t want to be overly emotional in the moment, you want to remain as neutral as possible, and envisioning the difficult conversation can help this. Running through the conversation in your mind, imagining any questions and objections that might arise, can help you both mentally and emotionally before an interaction. You could also role-play the situation with a friend or coach.

Pick your ground

In the military I was taught to ‘praise in public, criticise in private.’ You may not always have the choice but if you can, think about the environment you are going to have the difficult conversation in. A private space, a neutral one away from the office, is often a good choice.

Planning (but getting the balance right)

As well as envisioning the conversation, it is good to make a plan and even write things out to make them clear in your mind. But, there is a balance to preparing for a challenging exchange, as over-planning can make things feel rehearsed.  Too much preparation and you can lose the message’s authenticity or diminish your empathy and compassion for the other person. If you establish calm and know your main message then have the courage to take the initiative and have the conversation.

How do you stay calm?

If you have followed the preparation steps above these will aid you in starting and maintaining calm through your meeting. Here are a few more tips:

Breathing and Mindfulness

Something that will also help is remaining mindful and centred. Start with your breathing. Ensure you are breathing slowly and deeply. If you feel yourself losing your calm, take a pause and breathe again.

Be mindful of your environment. This is where a neutral space can help be a calming influence and give a broader perspective to your conversation, rather than the intense magnifying glass effect of a busy office.

Pay attention to the other person. Pay attention to their body language and truly listen to what they have to say. You want to give the highest levels of listening you can muster. Giving someone real attention demonstrates your respect for that person and their views, even if you disagree on something.

Be aware of your body, particularly of any tension building up. Being mindful of your body will help you with your non-verbal communication too.

Posture and Body Language

Try to keep a relatively neutral expression and an open posture. Mirroring other people’s body language is a good way to build rapport but if the other person is starting to display negative body language – angry expressions and displays, crossing arms defensively or slumping in defeat – then don’t copy them.

Maintain a relaxed (but not casual) openness. As with public speaking, you want to appear calm, confident and in control, yet not domineering. This will also help you maintain an even tone of voice and the right volume. If you tense up then tone and volume rise; if you slump and look down the opposite tends to happen. A lot of difficult conversations happen face to face, for example over a table in a coffee shop. This can be quite confrontational. You could consider going for a walk, and there are some big advantages to this, although bear in mind they might just walk away if you don’t gauge things correctly!

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How do you start difficult conversations?

Start with something positive, then state the facts.  This is good advice for any conversation but particularly a tricky conversation. Here is an approach that can help:

Sandwich technique 

The Sandwich Technique applies the Rule of 3 and also the fact that people best remember the beginning and end of any communication. Therefore structure your response with the most difficult message in the middle and keep the start and end positively:

• Opening–a positive statement at the start with thanks and appreciation
• Middle–state the difficult facts, acknowledge the problem
• Finish–give the positive steps being taken, highlight what has been achieved and give more appreciation and thanks

The ABCD of difficult conversations

Another way to deal with difficult conversations is to use what I call the ABCD. It stands for:

• Acknowledge
• Behaviour
• Consequence
• Deal

The steps are as follows:

Acknowledge

First acknowledge that there needs to be a conversation. Take the initiative and don’t let the moment get away, even if you can’t have the full discussion right then, agree a time with the other person to discuss the matter.

Behaviour

When you get to speak to the other person focus the conversation on the behaviour, rather than the person in question. For example, don’t say something like “You are such a bad person!” Rather say, “I really think that (insert behaviour) was bad.” Separate out the individual from the action. This helps to keep things less personal and instead centres the question around a behaviour that can be addressed and changed.

Consequence

Help the person to understand why you think the behaviour was inappropriate with some evidence. Explain why the behaviour was wrong by talking about the consequences. How did their behaviour make you and others feel? How did it impact the team culture? What was the impact on the situation then and how is it affecting things now? 

Deal

Finally come up with a deal, an agreement of how things should be in the future. How does the behaviour need to change, what is a more positive action that can be taken instead? Both parties can share ideas and then agree on how to progress. 

How do you answer a challenging question?

It could be during the course of a difficult conversation with an employee, during a job interview, or a time of crisis but sooner or later you will face a really robust question.

Whether you have time to prepare for a hard question or not the best thing to do is remember your key message. Take a pause, however small, then answer the question and make sure that point is put across.

Here is a technique to help you do this clearly, succinctly but strongly:

Remember ‘SEX’

When delivering the difficult part of the message, the acronym ‘SEX’ can provide a useful structure:

• S (Statement) – Be direct, state honestly what the challenge or problem is, without making it personal. Communicate your main point.
• E (Explain) – Explain the context, why it is a problem or how the challenge came about.
• X (Example) – Give specific examples of what the problem is (particularly if its behaviour) and also specific examples of solutions and what can be done.

Here is an example of Steve Jobs answering a difficult question and following this framework:

In this clip he gets his most important point across in his statement, that security is an important value to Apple. He then explains why security is important, giving context, and then provides a specific example to prove his point; in this case how Apple ensures security regarding location and GPS on phones.

How can I improve my question and answer technique?

Role-playing

One way to get good at having difficult conversations or answering challenging questions is to use role-play. Have someone ask you a scripted or improvised set of tough questions. The more you answer, the better you will become in answering coherently and concisely while maintaining your key message.

Resources

If you want to go a little deeper into the subject and particularly the psychology behind difficult conversations I can recommend these:

How to build and re-build trust

This is a great TED talk highlighting the importance of empathy, authenticity and logic.

Games People Play by Eric Berne

Berne developed the idea of transactional analysis; psychological insight that is useful particularly in difficult conversations. You can purchase the book on Amazon through this link:

Games People Play by Eric Berne.

Reflection

Finally, as with so much in life and leadership, take time to reflect on the conversations you have had and what you could do better in the future. Whether that is through journaling, discussing with a friend, mentor or coach, or just taking some time out to think and analyse.