What is the most important decision you have ever made? It might have been choosing your romantic partner, selecting your school, or deciding upon your career. How did you make that decision? Whatever process you applied – consciously or otherwise – to your choice, that decision was informed by your personal values. This is what values-based decision-making or principle-based decision-making is all about; understanding how our precepts and beliefs inform our judgements.

Why is values-based decision-making important?

We might think that our biggest decisions would be based upon pure logic and critical reasoning, but we would be wrong. Just think for a moment; if your spouse or partner asked you why you wanted to be with them, how would you reply? Would you immediately say,

“well I considered the factors, and – following an analytical process – decided that you were the most rational choice of partner, presenting the best statistical chance of a successful union (given the limited alternatives)”?

I doubt that would get a kindly reception.

You are more likely to answer that it is because you love them. But then you must think about the follow-up question of why do you love them? When you explore that question you can see that, knowingly, or otherwise, you have made a values-based decision. The reasons for loving someone are bound up with your principles, beliefs, and passions.

When I first started to think about decision-making, during my time as a bomb disposal officer, I did use to think that decision-making was largely a rational process. It took some near-death experiences for me to realise that the neuroscience of decision-making is much more complicated. Slowly I came to appreciate the important psychology of heuristics and bias, as well as understanding the importance of assumptions and how values underpin our decision-making.

Values, principles, and ethics in decision-making

The book that introduced me to the concept of principle-based decision making was The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey points out:

“We are not in control, principles control. We control our actions, but the consequences that flow from these actions are controlled by Principles.”

Stephen R Covey 

So, the fact is that – whether we know it or not – our personal values drive our decision-making and influence the choices we make. But this is not a new discovery and Covey was not alone in this idea. For example, Gandhi said,

“Your values become your destiny.”

Gandhi

And this school of thought goes back much further. The idea of making right judgements is the field of ethics in philosophy. In Western philosophy, it was Socrates, Plato and Aristotle – the so-called founding fathers of ethics – who started this tradition.

Ethical decision-making is not just about choices in medicine (such as when to end care) or complex moral conundrums faced by society (such as assisted suicide). You cannot separate ethics from personal values and our everyday behaviour. As well as the moral code of the society we live in, we all have our own inner sense of morality that informs our actions. The ability to make these choices, according to our values is inextricably tied to our understanding of freedom. Aristotle summed it up this way:

“Freedom is obedience to self-formulated rules.”

Aristotle

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How do values influence our choices?

My favourite analogy for personal values is that they are like a compass. The whole point of a magnetic compass is that it points to the North, no matter which way we are facing. Even when we cannot see properly – for example when stuck in fog or deep in a jungle – the compass gives us reliable data about our direction.

Personal values do the same for us. Whatever our circumstances, our values are an inner compass, informing us of whether the direction we are choosing is in line with principles or not.

“I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values – and follow my own moral compass – then the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.”

Michelle Obama

To complete the analogy, it is worth remembering that a compass can be affected by magnetic interference and occasionally not be trusted. In the same way, even our moral compass can be thrown off by cognitive bias. That is why no one aspect of decision-making can be considered without respect to other facets. We must be aware of all the various neural processes if we really want to make good decisions.

Values in decision-making for organisations 

Ray Dalio is an expert in how values affect decision-making in an organisation. In his book, Principles, he shares the values that he has identified and implemented – both in personal and business life. What makes Ray Dalio’s company Bridgewater, so impressive is the way they have built their values into the very fabric of the business.

For many organisations, their company values are just nice-sounding universal values (such as trust or creativity) that have been decided upon by an executive, but with little thought to how these values should truly affect the culture of an organisation. Many employees can barely remember their company values, let alone explain how they should inform their judgements and behaviours. Not so at Bridgewater.

Building a company from the values up

At Bridgewater, not only did they identify the company values, but they also then built organisational processes to reflect those principles, even writing code to embed these principles into automated decision-making. With each decision made these values are tested, the results examined, and the algorithms refined in a constant process of improvement.

This approach, backed up by the transparent way Bridgewater makes choices, empowers people at every level in the business to make decisions. Decision-making is not the preserve of management or the executive suite. At Bridgewater, this empowerment has fuelled effectiveness, growth and profitability.

As Roy Disney, the co-founder of another values-driven company observes,

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”

Roy Disney

It is worth reflecting upon. What are the principles of your organisation and how do they inform processes? Do the actions and behaviours of employees reflect the core values? Are people empowered to make decisions?

Principle-based leadership

This sort of organisation is led by a leader who understands the importance of values; someone who knows their own principles and lives according to them. We call that integrity; someone who walks the talk, and integrity is one of the most frequently listed essential traits of a leader.

Stephen Covey wrote about this sort of leadership in his other popular book, The Principle-Centred Leader, but this approach to leadership also has a lot in common with servant leadership, transformational leadership and authentic leadership, all of which emphasize leaders of moral principle and purpose.

So how do you start?

So, having seen that understanding personal values is important as they affect our choices, what do we do about it? The first step in making better decisions is to identify the principles that guide you in your judgements. This will help both you and the people you work with. As Ray Dalio points out,

“The most important thing is that you develop your own principles and ideally write them down, especially if you are working with others.”

Ray Dalio

Take a moment to think. Can you write down your top values? Try to think of the top principles that you adhere to. I recommend 5 to 10 as a maximum. If you are a bit stuck then there are various tools, exercises that can help you do this and if you would like some help then read my post on What Are Your Personal Values?

Have you ever set yourself a personal development goal you have been unable to achieve? I certainly have. Choosing to do something is generally easier than the practice of actually carrying out our decision. That is because goal setting is not a one-off decision, it is just the first of a series of decisions. Decision-making itself is a cyclical process.

As a professional executive and life coach, who has worked with hundreds of clients, I can attest to the fact that most common life goals succeed or fail around the issues of habits.  We might choose to get fitter or eat healthier, but the challenge is that every time we are faced with a doughnut, or the chance to veg out on the sofa them we face another choice, and our early decision (and future goal) are threatened. So, what do we do?

The answer is creating good habits. In neurological terms, a habit works as a short circuit in the brain that makes choices easier. But first, we must construct the required decision-making routine.  To make effective decisions and to build good habits you should understand the psychology of the process.

The decision space

First off is understanding the decision space. In nature, things react. In Newtonian physics it is forces that react, in chemistry, it is different elements. Biology is not much different and when an animal receives a stimulus it triggers a response.

But between stimulus and response, there is a gap where we can choose how to react. This is the decision space.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Victor E Frankl

Even when we (and other animals) are working at a subconscious level there is the opportunity to interrupt the stimulus-response cycle. The most famous example of manipulating were the experiments conducted by Ivan Pavlov. In his study, he took a simple reaction: the stimulus of food, and the response in a dog’s saliva glands. He then linked the arrival of food with a bell and built up the association until the dog would salivate at the sound of the bell, not just the arrival of food. Hence the term, Pavlovian response. This classical conditioning is key to understanding how we can adapt our responses and build new habits.

The Duhigg Habit Loop

So how do you develop the right habit that you need to achieve your goal?

Charles Duhigg, in his book The Power of Habit (2013), shows that we need to identify the habit loop of any given behaviour. We need to know the cue (the stimulus), the routine (or action) and the reward (the payoff).  Once we understand the cues to behaviours, we can experiment with rewards to instil new routines.

Forming new good habits (that stick)

To do this, first think about the new habit (the routine, action, or behaviour) that you want to create. Write it down, capturing as much detail as you can about it.

Next, think about the cues to this action or behaviour. If you are trying to change a bad habit, then identifying the cue allows you to think before you act and you can start to test different rewards to help enforce new behaviours. For example, if you want to improve your sleep but have a screen in your bedroom that you are in the habit of watching late at night, then remove the device or remote.

If you are trying to create a new habit, then you can create cues. You can start linking an action to something. For example, if you leave out your gym kit the night before you are much more likely to put it on in the morning and go for a run.

Now think about the reward. Brainstorm different things that might work to positively reinforce your new habit. Any embedded habit is usually hardwired due to the chemical reinforcement in the body. The trick is to find a new action/reward link that brings a similar hormonal, biological or psychological satisfaction.

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Example of changing a habit loop

I tend to get a little hungry mid-morning and mid-afternoon.  I often want a snack.  Snacking, as my friend Tim Rees (a professional nutritionist) points out, is generally bad! When the blood sugar is low it is very easy to grab something unhealthy to eat – a sweet biscuit, chocolate bar or similar would be my thing. But I know this is not good for me so I have tried other replacement snacks.

I have experimented with various options, and some things just don’t hit the spot, but I have found that I have a real thing for hummus.  I know hummus is nothing like a chocolate biscuit but it turns out that if there is some hummus around, especially with a carrot or some sweet pepper, then there is a good chance I can avoid a sugary snack.

“Change might not be fast and it isn’t always easy. But with time and effort, almost any habit can be reshaped.” 

Charles Duhigg

Experiment with the new habit

Most people fail with instilling new habits as they don’t persist and learn from their failures. Creating a new habit is hard. You will fail but that failure is just new data to help you succeed. If you did not get the required action, what can you change in the cue or the reward to get a better result? Experiment, changing one factor at a time until you find something that works.

“Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. One fails forward toward success” 

C.S. Lewis

Example: two goals but only one successful habit

But even knowing this is not enough. For example, recently I set myself two goals. One to learn and play the guitar and the other to get fit for a race. But I only really succeeded with the latter goal. Why is that?

I started playing the guitar in my teens, but I had never really improved beyond a certain (and basic) level.  Why? Quite simply it was because I never practised enough.  I never developed guitar practice as a habit. But, I decided to try again during the pandemic.

In my dreams, I would be able to play like Jimi Hendrix.  In my mind’s eye, I could see myself saving the day at a gig, strolling onto the stage to replace an injured lead guitarist, and stunning my friends with amazing solos, my fingers a blur on the fretboard!  But there was a big difference between successful guitarists and me. That difference went beyond just raw talent (of which I had very little).

Guitar legends such as Jimi Hendrix would pick a guitar up at the beginning of the day and hardly put it down until they went to bed; it is like an extension of their body.  I rarely picked mine up at all.  When practising I got frustrated or bored quickly and if I had the choice between playing for an hour on the guitar or going to the gym, I would generally choose the latter.

So, I managed to get fit but have (so far) failed in my goal of improving my guitar playing. Success in one and failure in another came down to competing values and priorities regarding my time management. I only had the capacity to develop one new habit and achieve one goal.

The simple fact is you can become good at almost anything, but you cannot be good at everything. You must prioritise. You have to make decisions between the goals you want to achieve and the habits you want to form. It takes focus and energy to build and solidify good habits. So be clear about your personal values and set your priorities before you start building your new habit.

How to start turning goals and decisions into habits

Achieving a personal development goal is not a one-off decision. Success is the cumulative effect of good choices made every day. Habit reinforces our decision-making and makes it easier to do the right thing.

But we cannot change everything all at once or achieve all our goals at the same time. First, we must work out the goal we value most. We must prioritise what we want to do. Think, what is the most important change you want to make?

Then we have to build a new habit. We do this by experimenting with the habit loop and manipulating the response to any stimulus. By working out the cue, we can build a new routine, reinforced by rewards.

Crack the new habit and you will have exponentially improved your chances of making the decisions and achieving success.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.”

Thomas Edison

A resolution is just another word for a decision. But a resolution has a particular weight to it. It is a firm decision, a choice to resolve a problem, something we are resolute about doing.

But many people fail in their New Year Resolutions. So how do you set yourself up for success? From my experience of achieving my personal goals, plus coaching many clients through achieving their aims, I would offer 5 Ps to help make a successful resolution: psychology, prioritising, principles, process, and people.

Psychology

There is a reason that New Year’s resolutions are popular. Psychologically the New Year represents new opportunities. Even though in reality it is just a date, mentally it is like being presented with a fresh blank canvas. A fresh new year, a new calendar with 12 full months to look forward to; giving us the feeling that we can achieve something new.

What’s more, having (hopefully) had a break over the holidays we bring a fresh perspective to what we want to do. It is hard to make decisions and life changes in the busyness of work and normal life. A vacation gives us distance from our responsibilities, and a chance to reflect on where we are and where we are going. Therefore, this break in regular activity presents an opportunity for changing direction.

But if you want to make the most of this psychological advantage and set yourself up for success, you need to make the resolution before the New Year. The decision and plan need to be ready so you can start immediately. Trying to make important life decisions, when you have a sore head on New Year’s Day, is perhaps not the best way to go about things! Equally, if you leave your planning until you are going back to work it is likely the resolution will get lost in your old patterns and routine. So, start thinking and planning now.

Prioritise 

Most people have lots of goals and things they want to achieve. It would be very easy to make multiple resolutions and try to succeed in as many of these aims as possible, but that would be a mistake.

If you want the best chance of succeeding, you need focus. Therefore, you must choose the most important, most impactful resolution, out of all the things you might want to do. Don’t let the good be the enemy of the great. Prioritise your goals and put all your energy and effort towards the top one.

Principles 

One of the best ways to prioritise your goals is by examining your personal principles. This is because we are much more likely to see through a decision if it is in line with our values. Understanding principles helps to answer why you want to see a resolution through.

And you need to be honest with yourself and find the underlying reason as to why you want to do something. We often mask our real reasons from ourselves or others, but if you want to succeed you need to be brutally honest with yourself.

For example, your resolution might be to get fit. But why do you want to get into shape? Is it health, a desire to compete, a loss of body confidence or something else? Keep asking why until you really know the root motivation for what you are doing.

It is important to understand the why that underpins our motivation, as success in any goal or mission in life, is largely down to willpower. Our will is reinforced by beliefs, and our beliefs are reflected in our values and principles. If you have not thought about what your personal values are then that is a good thing to do before you choose any goal or resolution.

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Process

When you have identified your most important life goal and why you want to achieve it the next step is to create a process.

A process is just a series of steps. The best plans identify the next small step to take, making it easy to progress. The will to take the incremental steps that lead to success is down to discipline. But a process, and particularly a process that becomes a habit, helps to reinforce our willpower.

If you want to get fit have a plan. It is highly likely that whatever aim you set yourself, someone will have succeeded in it before. By definition that makes it a simple type of problem. A simple problem does not mean guaranteed success, but it does mean that other people have overcome the same issue. So, learn from them. Find the best practice for achieving that specific goal. Take that blueprint and make it your own.

And don’t get disheartened if things don’t go exactly to plan or you struggle with your new habit. This is why most people fail in their resolutions. At the first setback, they decide to give up. Change your mindset. Take on a growth mindset: each failure is just a learning opportunity. Reflect on what happened and ask yourself, what went wrong? Creating new habits is a process of experimentation so analyse what happened and then try something new and go again. And again. And keep going.

This is effectively the Kolb learning cycle. You do something (a concrete experience), you review what happened (reflective observation), you make your conclusions (abstract conceptualisation) and then you try out a new idea (active experimentation). If the only thing you succeed in this year is embedding this process into your mental toolbox, then you will have achieved something great no matter what!

People 

The final P is for people. We have already seen that other people can help by providing plans if they have already achieved the same thing that you want to. So, once you have decided upon your resolution, start by finding out who else has successfully achieved the same goal.  If you can, then compare different people’s approaches and work out which one would best work for you. Better still, speak to them in person, get their experience and advice first-hand.

Then find someone to be accountable to. You are much more likely to fulfil your resolution if you share your goal with someone else and ask them to keep you on track. That person could be a friend, a colleague or a coach; it just needs to be someone who will challenge you and not let you off the hook.

For example, when I was training for an ultra-marathon, I got a training partner. There were plenty of days when I did not feel like putting in the hard miles, but it was much harder to cancel a training session than do it when there was another person involved. The result was I trained effectively, and I successfully completed the race. Find someone who can do the same for you.

The 5 Ps of a successful New Year’s Resolution

There is no shortage of advice about New Year’s Resolutions, whether it is making them or avoiding them completely! But remember, a resolution is just a decision. You can make a decision to pursue a life goal at any time but there are some benefits to starting at the turn of the seasons.

These 5 Ps will give you the best chance of achieving your aim:

• Use the psychology of the New Year and new beginnings to your advantage
• Prioritise what you want to achieve. Focus on the most important thing.
• Make sure the goal is in line with your principles.
• Create a process to reinforce your resolution. You need a solid habit to succeed.
• Find people who can support you and keep you accountable.

And remember, don’t wait. Start thinking and planning now so you are ready for the New Year. Don’t leave it until you are drinking bubbly and singing auld lang syne!

May you have a productive and successful year, fulfilling your resolutions and achieving your dreams!

Season’s greetings and happy holidays!

Which mental models (if any) do you use to make decisions? There is a lot to choose from. Do you know the best decision-making tools for each situation?

Over the years I have been taught, and then tried and tested many decision-making approaches. I have also researched, adapted, and even invented a few others along the way.

In writing this recent series of articles on decision-making, I thought I would collate and share the decision-making heuristics, processes, and approaches that I use the most. These are all tools that I find the most helpful, whether making decisions in a personal context or in my work as a leader, strategy consultant and executive coach.

Having experimented with these approaches in different situations over the years I have found certain models that are my ‘go to’ tools for certain circumstances. Therefore, I have grouped the tools by context. I hope you find some familiar faces and new friends among the models below.

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For easing or improving simple choices

Take a chance

It really is not worth sweating the small stuff. If choice really does not matter, then just flip a coin (if it is a binary decision) or roll some dice (if there are multiple options). This approach can seem flippant (pun intended) but can also provide deeper insight. Once you have flipped or rolled then reflect on how you feel about the result. If you are overly disappointed at the result, then maybe you cared more about the decision than you admitted to yourself. If this is the case, you might want to reconsider.

Replace the decision

If it is a simple decision, then replace it with an automatic process or quick heuristic (rule of thumb). We can spend a lot of time each day thinking about what to wear, what to eat, or what to do. Creating routines reduces these decisions to allow time and energy for more important decisions.

Make a habit

To reinforce good decisions, we need good habits. In order to develop good habits, we need to assess the process of stimulus and response. I favour Charles Duhigg’s model, the habit loop when analysing and experimenting with developing new habits. Work out:

• The cue – the stimuli
• The routine – the response or required action
• The reward – the payoff gained or gratification from the activity

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For when you need more information to decide

Ask a trusted person

If in doubt, phone a friend! And don’t just ask friends. What you want when making a choice is informed – and sometimes critical – thought. Friends and family can often tell you want to hear, rather than what you need to hear. So, ask a person who will give you a straight answer. That might even be a competitor or someone you don’t get on with. If it is a complex issue, then ask several different people. The more diverse the group of people the more useful the data will be for informing your decision.

Rub your nose against it

In the military, there is a saying that “time spent in reconnaissance is seldom wasted.” In other words, if you are deciding what to do, there is nothing quite as good as seeing the ground for yourself. In mountaineering, there is a similar phrase, that you should “rub your nose against the mountain” before deciding. Things can look very different when you are up close to them. So, if you have an important decision to make, try to get an immersive experience to inform you. See it, try it. Engage the senses, then decide.

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For when you need to commit

Get accountable

If you need to choose and stick to your decision then make yourself accountable to someone. Many people use a professional coach for this, but you can use someone else, as long as you trust them not to let you off the hook!

Put your money where your mouth is

Put money against your decision to make it stick. There are even apps now that allow you to put up a sum of money that goes to charity if you fail in your decision or goal. The money is controlled by a trusted third party who can release the cash back if you see your decision through. George Halachev has an article on Better Humans with 6 you could try.

Announce first, decide later

If you are still unsure of your exact choice but still want to commit, then you can set a self-imposed deadline. Announce publicly that you are to going to share your decision on a particular date. This does not need to be a press release, it could be just to friends, colleagues, or family, but it is much harder to go back on a choice when it is shared (just ask any government!) A deadline also helps to focus the mind.

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For big or important decisions

Consider consequences

If you are trying to work out if a decision is significant then it is worth thinking through the consequences. The importance of a choice is relative to its impact. Ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen? Then ask, is this decision reversible? If the impact is small or the decision is reversible then you should not delay. As Darren Matthews recommends, ask where will this decision take us?

Personal values

Knowingly or unknowingly, we make many decisions based on our individual beliefs. Our most important decisions – such as whom we want to marry or spend our life with – are informed by our principles. We may differ from someone in skills and interests but be bonded by precepts. Therefore, it is important to work out your own personal values. The hardest decisions in life are often the ones where our values are in tension with one another. If you understand that tension you can find ways to choose.

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For judgements based on your personality 

The Big 5 personality traits

As well as knowing personal values it is important to understand our personality type. This helps us play to our strengths and compensate for our weaknesses when we make decisions. There are plenty of psychometric tools available to help but my preferred model is the Big 5 or OCEAN model. This assesses your personality across five factors:

• Openness to experience (curious vs cautious)
• Conscientiousness (efficient vs extravagant)
• Extraversion (outgoing vs reserved)
• Agreeableness (compassionate vs critical)
• Neuroticism (sensitive vs resilient)

There are plenty of free tests you can do online, just do a quick search and try one.

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For rational decision-making

Consider factors

When assessing a choice rationally, work out what the key factors are that affect the decision. For example, when buying a home these might be things like location, type of property, number of rooms, access to transport etc.

Weighted factors

Once you have a long list of factors you will likely find that some factors are more important than others. For example, as per the example above, the location might be more important than the exact type of property. Therefore, give greater weight to more important factors. If you were scoring your options, you can multiply a factor’s scores relative to their importance.

Pros and cons

Once you have worked out the factors influencing a decision and weighted them, you are still likely to have different options to choose from. To approach the decision logically, consider the pros (advantages) and cons (disadvantages) of each course of action you can take.

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For a faster decision-making process

The OODA loop

If you want to speed up decision-making for you, your team or your organisation then you can use the OODA loop to analyse your processes. OODA represents a decision-making cycle in its basic form. It stands for observe, orientate, decide and act; the key steps of decision-making. By studying the cycle, working through each stage of the process, you can identify where you are faster or slower in making choices. Then you can identify ways to speed up that element of the cycle.

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For generative and creative thinking

Mindmapping

When making notes I tend to use mindmaps. These are particularly good in assisting decision-making as they keep to one page, forcing you to crystallise and prioritise information. Having the data branch out from the central concept also allows links to be made between ideas that might not have been seen in linear notes.

The Thinking Environment

The best way to help someone make a decision is to help them to think clearly. Nancy Kline developed the principles of the Thinking Environment based on research and practice over the course of 30 years. The components of the Thinking Environment include attention, equality, ease, appreciation, encouragement, information, feelings, diversity, incisive questions, andplace. And the most important thing we can do: give people our full attention and really listen (without interrupting) when they are trying to think.

The 6 Thinking Hats

Edward de Bono, the advocate of lateral thought, developed the 6 hats approach to considering problems. The idea is to look at the problem from 6 different perspectives that are represented by 6 coloured hats. The hats are:

• White hat – analytical and fact-based
• Red hat – emotional and subjective
• Black hat – critical and sceptical, identifying risks
• Yellow hat – optimistic, looking at best case
• Green hat – creative, brainstorming
• Blue hat – the big picture, structured and strategic

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For choosing life goals and improving work-life balance

The Wheel of Life

The wheel of life is a great way to look at life balance. You simply draw a circle and divide it into segments (usually 8). Name each segment after a role or aspect of life. These could include family, health, work, learning, leisure, finance, relationships, spirituality for example. Then score and mark up each element; a zero being the centre of the circle, 10 being the outside. You now have a visual representation of which aspects of life you want to improve.

The GROW model

The GROW model is one of the most common coaching tools for choosing and refining life goals. GROW stands for goal, reality, options and will and is applied in this way:

• Goal – define and state the aim
• Reality – analyse the present situation and how that affects the goal
• Options – consider different courses of action and any obstacles that stand in the way
• Will – make the decision and commit to it

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For choosing a vocation or career

The perfect day

When coaching people through a career change, the first exercise I recommend is writing out their idea of a perfect day. This dream – developed in detail from the moment of waking, to going to sleep – is a powerful way to inform what future work-life balance should look like.

Writing your eulogy 

The second exercise is to write your own eulogy. This might sound morbid but, writing a fictional version of what you would want to be said at your funeral, or written as your obituary, changes your perspective from the here and now, to the end of life. This challenges short-term ideas of success and reveals longer lasting values. These exercises are surprisingly powerful.

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For situational awareness and deciding upon a strategy

The 5Ws

The 5Ws approach uses interrogative words starting with a w (why, where, what, who, when). The H of how is usually added to this list and I have found that adding which is very helpful too in decision-making. It is a technique I was taught as a bomb disposal officer. The idea with the 5Ws is that you list the question words and use them as triggers or prompts for questions related to the problem. For example, the where interrogative can prompt inquiries such as where have we come from, where are we now and where are we going?

The SWOT analysis

Ok, so you are very likely to know the SWOT analysis but don’t discount it just because it is common. There is a good reason why it is so popular. SWOT – as you may know – stands for strengths, weaknesses,opportunities, and threats and is generally drawn as a 2-by-2 matrix. The SWOT is a quick and effective way to get a snapshot of a situation, by brainstorming the critical points in each quadrant. It was developed with organisational strategy in mind, but I have also found it useful for individuals too. Some of the best insights come from identifying relationships between the quadrants.

The Hedgehog Concept

As well as being an entrepreneur in my own right I have worked in and with many start-ups. When working with growing businesses, developing strategy, one of the most insightful tools I have used is the one set out by Jim Collins in his bestselling book Good to Great. It is what he calls the Hedgehog Concept, based on the Greek parable that says “the fox knows many things but the hedgehog knows one big thing.” The model is drawn as a Venn diagram; three circles that encompass three questions:

• What are you deeply passionate about?
• What can you be the best in the world at?
• What drives your economic engine?

There will be various answers to these questions but when the answers align, in the centre, is the answer to what you should be focussing on.

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For productivity and prioritisation

The Eisenhower matrix

Another well-known tool, the Eisenhower matrix uses a 2-by-2 grid as per the SWOT analysis but this time the matrix relates to two axes: what is important and what is urgent. This creates four fields that you can sort your tasks into, and what you should do about them:

1. Urgent and important – do them now
2. Not urgent but important – plan them into your diary
3. Urgent but not-important – try to delegate these to someone else
4. Not urgent or important – try to avoid or reduce these activities

The Pareto principle

The Pareto principle – or 80:20 rule – is a simple rule of thumb for inputs and outputs. The idea is that 80 per cent of our productivity and profit is likely to come from 20 per cent of our work or client base. It is an easy but effective way of assessing where you should focus your time and energy.

Be more Steve

Productivity largely comes down to good prioritisation and Steve Jobs used to ask himself one critical question every time he had to choose what to do next. He asked, “if you could do just one thing, what would it be?” In other words, what is the single most important, impactful way you can use your next block of time? Do that. Be more Steve.

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For when you want to delegate tasks and evaluate decisions

SMARTER tasks

A ‘SMART’ task is one that is specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-bound. This is good to remember for your own goals. But people often forget to use the SMARTER framework that adds evaluateand re-evaluate to the SMART acronym. This allows for the assessment and, if necessary the adjustment, of decisions and plans as the situation progresses. Don’t just be SMART, be SMARTER when you set goals.

Traffic lights

There are lots of ways to review decisions, assess projects and identify lessons but my favourite method is the traffic light approach. It is based on three simple questions to consider after an event:

• Red – what should we stop doing?
• Amber – what should we continue doing?
• Green – what should we start doing?

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For defining the challenge and problem-solving

The Cynefin framework

Problems are not made equal and if we wrongly identify the type of issue we are facing then we can make the situation worse, not better. The Cynefin framework helps us define problems and therefore assess the correct approach.

• Clear problems are simple and have tried and tested best practice solutions
• Complicated problems can be assessed using first principles and good practice
• Complex problems are new, emergent issues that require an experimental approach
• Chaotic problems require swift action to create enough order to move the problem into another quadrant

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For choosing the right leadership or management style

The Grint Model

Keith Grint’s model relates different leadership approaches to varying problem types, but in a more simplified way than the Cynefin framework. The Grint method says that for:

• Tame problems, that have known solutions, use a tested plan and manage the process
• Critical problems, where there is crisis or time is limited, then command and provide quick, clear direction
• Wicked problems, where there are no simple or good responses, then lead, providing a clear vision and empowering people to deal with complexity

Situational leadership

Another related model is the situational leadership model developed by Kenneth Blanchard. The model assesses the circumstances and the capability of the team to guide the leader into either:

• Directing – when time is critical, or team confidence is low
• Delegating – when teams are capable to do the task with little management
• Supporting – where trust is high, and teams can mutually support one another
• Coaching – when individuals might need focussed support to develop confidence

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For choosing and developing a team

The 3Cs

When choosing a team member, I refer back to the 3Cs or character, competence and chemistry, recommended by Bill Hybels in his book Courageous Leadership. These 3Cs should be considered in that order when hiring because:

• Character is hardest to develop, and bad characters can do you the most harm
• Competence is important but people (especially of the right character) can develop this
• Chemistry is less important. It is great to like people but hiring people just because they are similar to us is not the recipe for a successful team, as we shall see in the next model.

The Belbin Team Roles

Meredith Belbin conducted research over a couple of decades that identified the 9 critical roles that are needed within any team. Some people have preferences for certain roles, but each function is critical to success. Whatever size of the team this model will help you work out what needs to be done and who is best to fulfil each role (if you know your people). The titles and descriptions are as follows:

• Plants are highly creative and good at solving problems
• Resource Investigators connect with the world outside the team, bringing in external views on opportunities and competition
• Monitor Evaluators provide a logical, impartial view and help to weigh up options
• Co-ordinators focus on the objective and delegate tasks to team members
• Implementers plan and manage a workable strategy
• Completer Finishers bring high standards, see errors, and add polish to the final solution
• Team workers help the team gel and identify things that need doing to help the team
• Shapers challenge and provide momentum by driving the team forward
• Specialists provide in-depth knowledge within a key area

The Tuckman Cycle

If you want to know where your team is on the journey to high performance, then the Tuckman cycle can help analyse which stage you are at. Bruce Tuckman identified that every team goes through these phases:

• Forming – coming together, tentatively
• Storming – working out roles, often with friction
• Norming – settling into a functioning team
• Performing – team synergy is producing exponential gains
• Adjourning – a project ends or team member leaves, starting the cycle to start again

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For help in moving a team from one stage to another, I also recommend the Drexler-Sibbet model.

Start now and try one!

Making effective decisions is a skill. Honing that skill requires practise but the good news is that there is a host of models, tools and processes that can help to refine that competency.

So next time you need to make a decision, work out which tool would best situation. Choose one of the models listed above and give it a try. I recommend you make a note of the approach you use, your decision and then review your choice later. This reflection process is probably the most important aspect of improving your decision-making skills. We need practice and feedback in order to improve.

Think about what you must do today. Which mental model could help you make the right choice? Give it a go!

The philosophical author David Foster Wallace said,

There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. 

David Foster Wallace

But what did he mean and was he right?

Foster Wallace was talking about how our behaviour; our habits, decisions, and actions, are dependent upon what we believe. In other words, what we do is dependent upon our values. And to work out what we value, we need to ask some why questions.

Why are you doing that?

Why do you do behave the way you do? This sounds like a stupid question, but it is actually quite profound. Why do you do that job? What is the reason that you the leader or the follower in that situation? How come you hang out with those people? Why do you read those books?

The easy answer is usually to do with liking something or other. But that still begs the question, why do we like any one thing more than another? There is always another why. But some people do not like being asked why they act or think in a certain way.

As a parent, I am very aware that why questions can be challenging, if not downright annoying. Children love to ask why, and it can get very frustrating, especially when you just want them to do something.

But it is not the repetition that pricks us most; it is how quickly the thorny question can get to the edge of our understanding. Any parent will tell you that soon enough the answer becomes something like “that’s just the way it is.” With the answer, our ignorance, as well as our lack of patience, is exposed. But the question remains: why are things that way?

Be curious

We should all keep asking those sorts of questions. Therefore, stay curious. We do not need to be childish in our behaviour, but it is good to retain a child-like curiosity. That helps us to keep learning, keeps our sense of wonder and holds back the tide of cynicism that seeks to envelop us in our adult years.

The fact that you are reading this means that you are curious. You are intrigued to find out what I might think, what I have to say on this subject. What I find intriguing is that, even though we are likely not to have met, we are now involved in an exchange of ideas, where our beliefs, biases, and suppositions swirl together in metaphysical discourse, held in the luxurious debating chamber of your amazing mind. The very fact we can have this disembodied conversation is a wondrous thing!

There is wonder everywhere. So, remain curious. Keep asking questions. Provoke discourse.

What are values?

I like questions and, like Simon Sinek, my favourite questions are why questions. I appreciate why questions because they delve into motivation, into reason and belief. In other words, they expose the underlying values that drive purpose.

The values, exposed by why questions, are a thing of fascination to me. I have spent years examining my own values and helping others to identify theirs too.

But what are values exactly? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, values are defined as:

“Principles or standards of behaviour; one’s judgement of what is important in life.”

Lexico

This is a good starting point, but we can understand the term further through exploring this definition and the word’s synonyms:

• Values are principles. They are ideals, truths, or propositions that we aspire to.
• Values are standards. They are the formal and informal precepts, regulations, and rules we live by.
• Values are judgements. They are the benchmark, the plumbline, the compass that informs our decision-making.
• Values are beliefs. They are the tenets, convictions, and ideas we put our faith in.
• Values are priorities. They are our motivations, the things that take precedence, that we give importance to and affect how we use our resources.

So that is what values are. Of course, the next question is why are they important?

The Quest

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Worth-ship

Values are important because they drive our behaviour. It starts with principles shaping our thinking. Standards inform our judgements and impact our decisions. We then plan according to our beliefs and act in line with our priorities.

Those are values. And values are about value; the worth that we give something. So, what do you value the most? Where do you place your worth?

If we value something very highly, we give it worth above other things or even ultimate worth. We build our lives around it. This prioritising, giving position, reverence or regard was called worschipe in Middle English.  This evolved into the present word worship.  In other words, even if you do not consider yourself spiritual, we all give something religious value.

We cannot help it. Our time and resources in life are finite and therefore we must prioritise. Something ends up on a pedestal. It may not be a spiritual entity we put on the throne of our lives but one way or another we will take a good thing and make it a god thing.

The importance of understanding our motivations

Sometimes we are not fully conscious of what this base belief is. Or we can be tentative about sharing our motivations with others.

Either way, it is vitally important we understand what drives us. That is because there are dangers hidden in what we value. As David Foster Wallace puts it:

“If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough…

…worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you…

…worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear…

…worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. 

David Foster Wallace

So, it is crucial that we know what we give ultimate worth to and ask ourselves why we value it so highly.

The reason we do things

This sort of self-exploration can be a scary journey as we can be confronted by some uncomfortable truths. Often, what we think is the reason we do something is not the actual reason. As financier J P Morgan observed,

“A man always has two reasons for what he does—a good one, and the real one.”

J P Morgan

The journey of self-discovery is an essential one.  We need to know where we place our worth because what happens when these things are challenged or even taken away? What are we left with?

Crises, such as the global pandemic, shake us and often expose the foundations of what we believe. Resilience has become the new word-du-jour, but real resilience starts in the mind and is dependent upon our values.

If what we value starts to crack under the strain of circumstances, then our lives can start to crumble around us. Therefore, we need to know if our values are vulnerable.  The only way to check is to dig down and unearth our philosophical foundations. Only then can we start any remedial works.

The 5 Whys

There are lots of thinking and coaching tools you can use to conduct this psychological survey but one very good way to start is with some reflection time and the use of a technique called The 5 Whys.

The approach was developed by Sakichi Toyoda to analyse systems within the Toyota Corporation. The result was that he helped to revolutionise their production. Every system and action in the company were analysed by asking why, over and over again, until the primary reason was revealed, and the process could be refined.

We can apply the same approach to delve down to our fundamental motivations. Try in on a decision you have made today. You can take some time out to think, write in your journal or talk this through with someone. Whatever works best for you. Answer the question as to why you made that choice. Then ask why of that answer, and continue five times, or however many you need to get to the prime reason.

For example, I might ask why I am writing this. The answer might be that because I have planned that task into my diary. But why did I plan that activity into my calendar? Well, largely it is because I enjoy writing. But why do I enjoy writing? I enjoy writing because the process helps me share personal insights. Why is that important? Because I am motivated by helping people in their own personal development. Why do I care about other people’s personal development? Because I think people have amazing potential and I love to be part of helping to unlock that.

You can see from this example that asking why of even simple everyday activities can be very insightful.

One of the great things about the 5 Whys technique is that you can use it at almost any time and in pretty much every situation. It can work well as a mindfulness technique. If you feel a certain way, ask the 5 Whys. If a thought pops into your head, ask the 5 Whys. When you make a decision, ask the 5 Whys.

The next step on your journey of self-discovery

As Foster Wallace pointed out, we all worship something. If we do not know what that is, or we pick the wrong thing then we run the risk of it undermining our happiness.

So, we need to do some self-reflection to identify what we prioritise and understand our personal values. Start by asking why. Use The 5 Whys technique to explore your thoughts, choices and actions.

Good luck on your journey of self-discovery. I promise you will be better off for it!

I am healthy, I live in a great home, in a wonderful city. I have a loving family, wife, kids, and a diverse group of friends. My work is challenging and job fulfilling. But I get unhappy. Due to how fortunate I am that makes me feel guilty and in turn, more unhappy. After all, what right do I have to be unhappy?

As I am in my forties it is easy to classify this as a mid-life crisis but that does not solve the fundamental question; why am I unhappy and what can be done about it?

Happiness is not just Maslow’s hierarchy

An observer would say that, in my case, unhappiness is not logical. In terms of Maslow’s hierarchy, the levels are ticked off, at least on first inspection. My basic physiological, security and social needs are met. I have pretty good self-esteem and the respect of others. I acquire self-actualisation through my employment, pursuits, and personal development.

So why do I get unhappy?

I am not suffering from medical depression but – as we are increasingly aware – mental health is nuanced. Malaise and malcontent may not require medication, but they are still challenges. They affect our relationships and performance as well as our joy. Therefore, these feelings need to be understood, managed and treated in their own way.

And I am not alone. It is not just my work as a coach that gives me an insight into the number of people who find themselves unhappy. And it is not just people having a mid-life crisis, it is people of all ages. COVID-19 may be the pandemic, but unhappiness is endemic.

The equation of happiness?

The issue of happiness, or rather the lack of it, is developing a growing academic interest. Researchers seek to quantify and qualify what is it to be happy. Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells, relative pioneers in this field, proposed various laws of happiness in their book Engineering Happiness. The laws can effectively be summarised in the following equation:

Happiness = Reality – Shifting Expectations

This is useful, at least to a degree, as a large part of unhappiness – particularly for those in seemingly good situations – is based on unhelpful comparisons. The selectively manicured view of life on social media does nothing to help this. The fact is life can always be better, things (and people) are not perfect. But, as per the equation, we often feel the imbalance, notice the lack or get lost in the gap.

So how do we solve the problem? Does this mean that we should just have low expectations? This might be the response of cynics or ascetics. And simplifying life or managing expectations can help. But this is also not always easy nor is it necessarily the full answer to the problem. We need to understand why we have certain expectations in the first place. That is because our expectations are based on what we value.

Therefore, unhappiness can be seen as a misalignment in our values. When forced to spend our time beyond our priorities, when actions grate against our principles or when reality challenges our beliefs, we feel that imbalance. It makes us unhappy.

Creeping discontent

Sometimes this unhappiness can take us by surprise. Suddenly we are overwhelmed by the compounding of small, misaligned decisions, the incremental build-up of compromise.

When this happens to me it feels like I have been out walking in a fog. After marching on a bearing in the mist for a long time, my head pops out of the cloud, and I find that I was not where I was expecting to be. Suddenly I am faced with lots of questions. How did I get off track? What should I do now?

At times like these, the first thing I do is to re-examine my personal values. They are my moral compass. They give me direction. Therefore, I need to know whether I can trust these principles. If the precepts are still good, then I want to know, what went wrong in the process of applying them?

Examining my personal values

When coaching and exploring personal values, many people come up with work, family, and leisure as values. But I would call these priorities, and in that sense, they are subtly different. What we prioritise can be seen in where we use our resources, such as time and money. Our values reveal how we behave and perform in these priority areas.

So, for example, I may give a lot of time to my work – making it a priority – but the nature of the work I choose and how I perform in my employment is an expression of my values. To explain this more we will look at my personal core values.

The way I have expressed my core values has changed over time but the top three are being adventurous, serving to lead and being mission-focused. In my recent bout of unhappiness – aka mid-life crisis – examining each, in turn, helped reveal causes of discontentment. In turn, this knowledge gave me the starting point to change things for the better.

The Quest

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Trying to live a life of adventure 

I have always dreamed of and sought adventure. Growing up I wanted to be Indiana Jones. Explorers like Ernest Shackleton are my heroes. I am a fellow of the Royal Geographical Society. I have scaled unclimbed peaks in the arctic and searched for archaeological remains in the jungles of Central America. One of the things that led me to a career in the military for a desire for adventure, which I certainly experienced on my various operational tours.

My love of adventure influences my relationships. My best friends share a love of adventure and family holidays become mini expeditions in themselves. Even when not in the wilderness I try to bring an adventurous outlook to what I do.

Sounds good right? But the fact is that now many of my responsibilities restrict opportunities for adventure. In the interests of creating a stable home life or maintaining a good level of income, adventure can be slowly stifled. The safety and stability of a good home in a safe neighbourhood can feel like a gilded cage. A cage of my own making. So, I must ask myself, how did I box myself in?

Servant leadership and the challenges of putting others first

One of the reasons is related to another value, that of serving to lead. Servant leadership puts the greater purpose and the development of others before self. Servant leadership has always been the most influential leadership model for me. It was exemplified by my father, exhorted at church when growing up, and expected of Army Officers graduating from The Royal Military Academy Sandhurst.

As well as shaping my military career this approach also led me into coaching. Coaching is about helping others to flourish and fulfil their potential. Effective coaching is a form of servant leadership.

And servant leadership is not just about professional titles. Being a parent is about as challenging as leadership gets. There is no other leadership role where I have so constantly felt so out of depth or so frequently failing in some way! In this context, servant leadership has been putting the needs of the family and the development of children ahead of other things.

So, serving can mean less adventure, and so, as a matter of circumstance, values come under tension, pulled in different directions. This stress can cause unhappiness. When this happens resentment or resignment can set in. In these circumstances, parenthood can become just another duty, work a necessary evil, marriage a transactional partnership. The underlying passion and the purpose – the reason for serving – can get lost.

Mission focus to loss of purpose

A sense of purpose is important to most people, but I am particularly wired to go after a vision, define a mission, to set and achieve goals. I like to set targets and achieve them. I enjoy working on projects – such as expeditions and operations – that have defined start and end states.

When committed to achieving an aim it brings out other characteristics. I can be very energised, determined, and focused. On the other hand, without a clear goal, I can become restless, morose, or even lazy.

The middle stage of life is often characterised by routine and process rather than big achievements or bold challenges. Sometimes the problem is even related to having achieved so much. Writer Tal Ben-Shahar, in his book Happier, calls this the arrival fallacy. As with the happiness equation, the arrival fallacy exists because our expectations of achieving something generally outstrip the reality of completing or even just striving for a goal. Even becoming the world’s best does not help, that is why there is a recognised disorder called post-Olympic depression.

So, what happens when you have achieved your goals, or you find you have lost your drive? It is easy to lose a feeling of purpose when every day seems the same. When progress is so incremental our dreams, beliefs, even our identity can come into question. At times like these, one needs some focused self-refection.

Unhappy? Start with proper self-diagnosis

Unhappy? Mid-life crisis? Not content with life? You are not alone. There is no common circumstance that causes unhappiness but there are some key insights to help diagnose the root causes. In all cases, diagnosis proceeds proper treatment. Self-inquiry comes before self-improvement. Thinking before doing.

First, we need to examine our expectations. How do they differ from our reality? Identifying and quantifying the gap helps us understand the nature and scope of our dissatisfaction. Next, we need to identify how expectations have been shaped by our values. In this way, we can identify where the tensions and misalignments are. Only then will we have sufficient knowledge to address our challenges.

This has been my recent experience. Reflection and self-examination have given me data I need to start again. I now know where I am and how I got there. Next, I can plan where I want to go next and how I am going to get there. And even just that knowledge makes me happier. Maybe the challenge can become an adventure!

I watched the target intently. I could see the picture rise and fall in my sights as I breathed, the crosshairs tracking a vertical line as my lungs expanded and contracted. Having positioned myself carefully, I aligned my body so that I naturally achieved my point of aim. My rifle was held securely, nicely balanced, but without any tension in my muscles. Feeling calm and focused, I let the crosshairs sink once again, then held my breath as they came to rest on the centre of the target. I increased the pressure on the trigger, never letting the crosshairs move from their position. There was a jolt, as the shot released, but the rifle settled back into position, aligned to the midpoint of the target. I was hundreds of metres away, but I knew that I had hit it dead centre. I knew because I had applied my marksmanship principles, and everything had been in balance. It felt right.

Understanding and applying principles

Target shooting can be very satisfying but, as I found out in my military training, that does not mean that it is easy. That is because even though the principles of shooting are simple, maintaining those standards takes focus and practice. In that way, shooting is a metaphor for other areas of life. Even when we know the theory of how to do something the practice can be hard.

It is particularly hard if we do not know the fundamentals in the first place. Without understanding the key principles of shooting I might never have become a good marksman, no matter how much I tried. As Anders Ericsson and Robert Pool point out in their book Peak, there is an important difference between practice and effective practice. If we want to get better, we need to focus on doing things correctly, according to the appropriate standards.

So, what are the right standards? How do we know the principles to live by? This is the focus of this series on understanding values. The more I teach decision-making, facilitate leadership courses, or coach people through life’s challenges, the more I see the importance of understanding and acting upon our personal values.

The need for balance and alignment

Much of the importance of values comes down to balance. There are so many reasons that we need balance in life. Whichever aspect of our existence you look at – such as work, relationships, or health – it is a lack of balance that causes problems.

We need alignment in each area of our lives in order to flourish. To lead we need integrity; a boss needs to walk the talk if they are to be truly effective. To make effective decisions we need to make sure our choices fit our values. It is similar to our wellbeing; to be happy our expectations cannot be too far removed from reality. Our self-esteem is also dependent upon balance. We need to behave in line with our principles and live up to our standards. This is why it is so important to know our values and understand how to monitor them.

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.

Brian Tracy

How to work out your values and monitor your principles

I regularly take time out to re-examine my values and reflect on them to make sure they are captured accurately and to measure how I am doing against my principles. I also tend to look at my principles first before I go about setting goals. As with target shooting, you must point in the right general direction before you home in on a specific target.

It may be that you already have a clear idea of your values, or it could be that you have never really considered your personal principles. Either way, here is a good exercise to go through to identify, refine and test your ideals. Here are the steps to follow:

1. Identify a long list of values

2. Prioritise the list

3. Assess your principles against your actions

The Quest

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1. Identify a long list of values 

First, write out a long list of words that sum up your personal values. There is no limit on how many phrases to use at this stage. It is worth doing some brainstorming and thinking about the words that best sum up your principles. The choice of words is important as our interpretation of language is nuanced and personal. The terms you choose must connect with you and express both your head and your heart.

Remember, as noted in my earlier post on why what we value matters,

• Values are principles. They are ideals, truths, or propositions that we aspire to.
• Values are standards. They are the formal and informal precepts, regulations, and rules we live by.
• Values are judgements. They are the benchmark, the plumbline, the compass that informs our decision-making.
• Values are beliefs. They are the tenets, convictions, and ideas we put our faith in.
• Values are priorities. They are our motivations, the things that take precedence, that we give importance to and affect how we use our resources.

Once you have a list, or if you are struggling to think of the right words, then you can use example inventories of popular principles as a prompt. You can find such examples in What Are Your Personal Values where I have listed over 150 common values.

2. Prioritise the list 

Once you have a comprehensive list of values the next thing to do is to prioritise the list. Initially whittle it down to ten, then aim for five or fewer. The reason to do this is to identify the most important principles, the ones that dominate your decisions and behaviours. To do this you may want to take your initial list and score each value out of ten. If you still need to reduce the list then do direct comparisons between the words you have chosen, ask yourself, if I had to choose between x and y which would be the most important?

Once you have your top five values then take some time to write out what they mean to you. As mentioned earlier, the exact meaning of a term can be very individual so write out a short sentence to define what that standard means in terms of informing your actions and decisions. This is very important. The value does not exist as just a conceptual ideal, it must be understood in relation to your thinking and behaviour.

3. Assess your principles against your actions  

The next step is then to assess each of your top principles against your actions. Here you need to be brutally honest with yourself. Reflect on your day, your week, your month and give yourself a score from 0-10 in terms of how close you lived up to your standards. Also, reflect on other big life moments and decisions, or when you were particularly happy or sad, how did you align with your values at those key times?

Examining the gap between the values we espouse, and our actual behaviour can be very revealing. Here are some common things to look for:

Continual misalignment

If there is a continual misalignment then we must ask ourselves if we really hold to that principle. It might be that we think we value something because it is a standard upheld by our culture, family, or organisation. It may well be a good precept, but it may not drive us personally. If that is the case, you might want to go back to the prioritisation exercise and see if there are other values that better describe your actual choices.

Temporary misalignment

Often, we find that we have strayed from our principles in a particular choice or fallen short of our principles in a given situation. This is not a long-term trend, more of a temporary blip. These can leave us feeling unhappy or anxious until we resolve the issue. Once you have identified the instance where there was a problem you can reflect on what you need to do to bring things back on track. Is there a decision that needs to be changed, a relationship that needs to be mended, or a goal that needs to be set? Whatever it is, work out what action will restore your balance.

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Apply your principles and maintain your aim

If you want to achieve your aim it is not enough just to know what your target is. You are unlikely to hit the target if you are facing the wrong way. Therefore, you need to know your guiding principles if you truly want to succeed.

Whether you want to achieve a goal, get a better balance in life, develop as a good leader, or improve your decision-making, all these things are dependent upon understanding your personal values. The better you understand your own standards, the happier and more effective you will be.

So, take some time to:

1. Identify a long list of values
2. Prioritise the list
3. Assess your principles against your actions

Seeing how close you align with your principles is foundational to creating a meaningful plan for any self-improvement. So, check your values today but then frequently take time to see how you are measuring up to your standards.

Apply your principles, maintain your aim, and you will hit the target!

A few months ago, a very good friend of mine died. It was sudden and unexpected. He was in his thirties. He was very fit (he had recently completed a marathon amongst other things) and seemed healthy. But he died in his sleep. The post-mortem was inconclusive as to his cause of death.

Unsurprisingly, his family, friends, and colleagues – like myself – were devasted. This was a combination of the shock – the fact he was young and healthy – and that he was so universally liked. This last point truly came home at his funeral. There were so many people there, from different parts of his life, all wanting to say goodbye, but also to celebrate him. And that is what we did. We remembered and appreciated the positive impact he had had on all of us. The eulogies of his brother and best friend had us laughing through our tears.

It was also very sobering. It reminded me of my mortality and posed the question, how will I be remembered?

Too busy to think about?

It seems like a morbid thing to do, to think about our own funeral, but it is an important thing to do. Thinking about the end of life changes our perspective. We can consider the demands of our busy daily lives in a different context. We can start to challenge our priorities and ask, why are we doing what we are doing?

“It is not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?”

Henry David Thoreau

Yes, we are all busy. But are your actions today working towards a greater purpose? People often talk about strategy, but what about our personal strategy? What is the long-term plan for our lives? What does success in life look like for us?

When our time is done, what will be our legacy? Who will miss us?

These are important questions. In fact, there might not be any questions more important than these. But how do we go about answering them?

The problem with life plans

The challenge with life plans is that they never seem to go to plan! Circumstances have a way of knocking our best plans into the outfield. This has certainly been my experience. Just take my career as an example. At college, I had a general idea of what I did and did not like, but I could never have predicted the journey that my career has taken. Often doors have closed upon the route I have wanted to take, only to reveal an unexpected opening. Looking back, the result has often been far better than the one I could have planned or hoped for.

But my choices have not all been random. I have not been a rudderless yacht driven before the storm. Sailing is a good metaphor to consider. When sailing you have a destination in mind, but you must adjust your route according to the changing weather conditions. Fluctuations in the wind mean you have to constantly adjust your sails and you rarely get to sail directly towards where you want to go. You must tack back and forth, keeping an eye on your bearing, but also making small adjustments, so the waves don’t capsize you.

When sailing, one must watch the compass, while the hand is on the tiller. So in life, we need to consider our values as we make decisions. Our personal principles are our moral compass. They inform everything from the little adjustments to the big direction changes.

So have a plan or at least an idea of your destination. That is a good thing. But do not try to steer your life without a good idea of your values as well. Otherwise, you will find it hard to adjust to changing circumstances.

The Quest

Understand your values, unlock your purpose, set your priorities, achieve success. Click here to sign up and get the 1st stage for free!

What is the difference between résumé virtues and eulogy virtues?

When looking at values, particularly from an end-of-life perspective, there can be a difference in our priorities. We love to portray a certain image in our daily interactions, on our résumé or CV, or social media. We feel the pressure to convey the busy, successful, manicured beauty of life the world seems to demand.

But is that the life we truly want? Are they the people we really want to be? Do we want to be remembered for being busy? For our job title? For our holiday pictures?

David Brooks, author of The Road to Character, best summed up this dichotomy in his New York Times article, The Moral Bucket List, where he defined the difference between résumé virtues and eulogy virtues.

We live in a culture that centres on self. Self-image, self-fulfilment, self-determination. But the shift with eulogy virtues is away from selfish desires, work accomplishments, external recognition, and the accumulation of stuff. Eulogy virtues tend towards selflessness, and towards life accomplishment, internal peace, and the building of a legacy.

Eulogy virtues force us to acknowledge our weaknesses and failures. They help us move from desiring independence from others to recognising our need for inter-dependence with others. We shift our motivations from success to love, from career to calling, from competence to character.

As David Brooks notes, eulogy virtues even challenge the fundamental questions of life. It goes from “what do I want from life?” To “what does life ask of me?”

“Commencement speakers are always telling young people to follow their passions. Be true to yourself. This is a vision of life that begins with self and ends with self. But people on the road to inner light do not find their vocations by asking, what do I want from life? They ask, what is life asking of me? How can I match my intrinsic talent with one of the world’s deep needs?”

David Brooks

How to work out your eulogy virtues

Having had experience taking people through this process, as a coach, I can recommend that you try and write out your own eulogy. This might feel uncomfortable at first, but, if you go with the process, it can be very insightful.

As you write, remember that this is not an obituary written by somebody that does not know you. It is not the article in the paper for the eyes of the world, it is a eulogy, shared from the perspective of someone who loves you, to the key people of your life, gathered at your funeral. The person in mind should be someone who knows you well enough to call out your weaknesses as well as your strengths. To highlight how you dealt with your failures as well as your successes. Who can talk about your character and how you did things; not just your skills and what you did.

To do this I recommend the following steps:

• Set aside time – give yourself at least an hour of uninterrupted time
• Find a quiet place – select an environment to help you, most importantly somewhere you will not be disturbed.
• Engage your emotions as well as your mind – imagine what it would be like at your funeral and use your empathy to see yourself from another’s perspective
• Write – capture your thoughts as they come. It does not necessarily need to be coherent as a first draft
• Reflect – once you have run out of words think about what you have written. What are the underlying virtues that define your life? Which values best encompass the themes of your story?

You might want to compare this with other ways of exploring your values. If you want some examples of other exercises then you can find them in the article: What Are Your Personal Values?

Better than an action plan

By identifying your eulogy virtues, you create your own moral bucket list. This is a bucket list beyond just personal achievements. Life goals are great, but more important are the values we live by, the things that define why we do things and how we behave as we pursue our goals, whether we achieve them or not.

So, take time to reflect on your eulogy values. How do you want to be remembered? Identify and hold onto those virtues. Keep them in mind as you dive back into the busyness of your day. They will guide you through the winds and the waves, the calms, and the storms.

Imposter syndrome is a psychological condition but one that can be summed up very simply: it is about feeling a fraud. It is the fear that we cannot live up to other people’s expectations or that we do not deserve our position, accolades or the praise people give us. We are scared of being found out; our weaknesses and failures are laid bare.

Ironically it is high performing people with multiple accomplishments that most suffer from this mindset. This is not necessarily surprising. As Albert Einstein observed:

“The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.”

Albert Einstein

And there is more. Unless we are delusional, we all know we are imperfect, that we could be better. That is a fact. But it becomes a problem if we then assume that this knowledge makes us unworthy or unfit. It is this negative assumption that leads to imposter syndrome.

So, what do we do to re-set our brains? The critical shift comes in remembering that what we do or what we know is less important than why we do what we do. It is our values that define us, not our job title.

Personal identity and how it is affected by your values

Our values are pivotal to who we are; they go to the very core of us, to our personal identity.  Values are a foundation to our character and the plumb line of our standards, as well as being a moral compass. Our values drive who we are and what we do.

“We are not in control, principles control. We control our actions, but the consequences that flow from these actions are controlled by Principles.”  Stephen R. Covey

Our exploration and discovery of our principles is therefore a discovery of self.  As one anonymous observer noted:

“Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.  Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.”

What do we value in ourselves and others?

If we want to understand who we are and what we value it is worth starting with our perceptions of other people. Think about the first two questions you are generally asked when you meet someone.  It is likely to be “what is your name?” (usually meaning your first name) quickly followed by “what do you do?”

What are people really asking when they enquire about what you do?  They are asking about your job, profession, or vocation for sure.  But the fact that this comes out so quickly when we meet people indicates how highly we rate work in our culture and how closely we identify ourselves with what we do.

What do you do?

I went along with this for many years because, for a long time, it was easy.  I started out in the Army, working as a bomb disposal officer.  This was an easy title, and one I enjoyed using, as it sounded impressive.  I enjoyed seeing the raised eyebrows and the endearing look of respect (that I so little deserved in reality).

Next, I was a Project Manager, working in the construction industry.  Again, an easy label, although I must admit it sounded less impressive at parties than something with ‘bomb’ in the title.  But hey, I was married by then so who was I trying to impress anyway?  Well, everyone actually!

The real challenge came with my next job, working for a rapidly growing church.  My job description was constantly evolving and therefore it was hard to describe exactly what I did, especially as I was not actually a church minister.  I found that introducing myself generally required a long explanation.  The process of outlining what I did was just long enough to watch people’s eyes glaze over, stare down their drinks or look furtively towards the exit.

When I moved on again and started working as a management consultant it was not really any easier, as the title ‘consultant’ invokes so many different things.   You may be motivated by helping individuals and equipping organisations, but one has a lot of justification to do when people look at you with an expression that seems to imply ‘consultant’ is synonymous with ‘parasite’!

Training dolphins to be government assassins

And then, at one networking event, I had a moment of clarity.  I started introducing myself in this way: “Hi, I’m Simon, I train dolphins to be government assassins.”  Once again, I had attained the level of eyebrow movement that I have attained as a bomb disposal officer (but I guess more out of surprise than respect).

Life was easy once again (for a moment at least) but it did make me think. Why do people, including me, care so much about titles?  Why would I be prepared to embellish or even make up something about what I do? What does it say about me? The answers to these questions are pretty challenging.

Are we just what we do?

When people ask what you do, they are actually asking who you are.  They are hoping for an answer that will help them quickly categorise you. It is a simple heuristic – to judge someone by what they do – but it also reveals our cognitive biases.

As we walk down a street, enter a room, or sit staring out of a café window we are constantly assessing those around us.  We compare looks, wealth, car, house, job, children, clothes, phone.  Much of our happiness hangs upon these comparisons.

In conversation, this process continues through things like accent, vocabulary, demeanour, politics, religion, aspirations, and education. When people share their job, we jump to all sorts of conclusions. And herein lies another irony; by making these judgements we can also make other people suffer from imposter syndrome too!

I have been guilty of this. I remember back to when one good friend of mine, a talented musician and artist, told me they were going to become a lawyer. I was shocked. I could not link what I knew of my friend – this warm, creative, caring soul – with my (quite negative) perceptions of the legal profession. But when I heard about why he wanted to become a lawyer, how he wanted to help those in need, I started to get it. Now, many years later, he is a senior partner in a law firm. I can see how his creative approach to his work and his love for people brings healing to broken situations. I can see why he pursued that career.

The Quest

Understand your values, unlock your purpose, set your priorities, achieve success. Click here to sign up and get the 1st stage for free!

We judge others but suffer from imposter syndrome too

As proven above, many of our initial assumptions can be wrong. We try to make a value judgement in a fleeting moment, judging the book by its cover.  Not surprisingly this process reveals more about us than about the other person because how we classify others speaks volumes about how we perceive ourselves.  If we are putting someone else in a certain box or on a certain level what does that say about our own self-worth or social position?  I for one did not think I had a pride problem until I thought about this!

And pride can take us even further. We all have roles that we play, and we often wear masks that represent an aspirational self. We build up a persona to hide our imposter syndrome.

We present the idealised version of self that we want to show to the world, rather than the real us.  If you think you are exempt from this, then just reflect upon how you present yourself on social media. Is it your whole self, or a carefully curated representation?

It is not what we do, but why we do it

So, if we want to overcome imposter syndrome we have to be brutally honest with ourselves. We need to ask, how do we want to be seen and why do we care? We can challenge how we see ourselves, as well as how other people perceive us, if we examine why we do what we do. Remember, the why is more important than the what. Think about your own work situation and role:

• What passions and dreams led you to what you are doing now?
• What do you love (and hate) most about what you do?
• How does your job fit into your longer-term vision of success?
• How does your work impact what you care about?
• If you could do anything, what would that be?
• What do you aspire to achieve through your vocation?
• Where do you want to get to in your career and why?

Don’t shy away from the answers. We may not be in our dream job. That does not mean failure. Sometimes we just need money to support our family, but that reveals how we value those we love. Other times we are doing a role as a stepping-stone to something else. We are conscious of the role not being the endpoint.

But we need to ask these questions and examine our motivations. If we don’t we can forget why we were doing the job in the first place. I have coached people who have become successful in their field, promoted to high positions, but unhappy. When they stopped to ask questions like the ones above, they realised that their career was based upon other people’s expectations, not their own. Don’t fall into this trap; ask the questions now.

Re-thinking how we value ourselves and others

We are all at risk from imposter syndrome and assuming that we are not good enough. And there is some truth in that; that is why it is such a powerful belief. None of us is perfect. We can all be better. So, flip the negative side of imposter syndrome to a more positive one. This other side is about having a growth mindset, continually learning, being willing to fail but improving through experience. It is also about being humble. A humble character stops us from being full of pride and gives us greater respect and empathy for others.

If we want to shift our mindset, we need to shift our focus from what we do to why we are doing it. Our identity is tied to our vocation but it is not the job title that defines us: it is the reasons that motivate our work that is important. Our passions, principles and values say more about us than any job title.

And next time you meet someone, go ahead and ask them their name and what they do, but follow up with questions to find out some more. Get curious about why they do what they are doing. Get into a conversation about what people are passionate about; not just a competition over job titles.

If you, like me, grew up in a culture without a specific rite of passage that marks when you change from being a boy to a man, it can be quite hard to state exactly when you became a man and, by extension, what it means to be a man.

For me, no songs were sung, or words said. I was not cut or marked. I was not cast out or assigned a specific task or role. But at some point, I just was. A man.

So, what happened and when? Was it when I went through puberty or grew to be as strong as my dad? Perhaps when I got my first job, or perhaps when I left home? Was it when I could legally marry, drive, or drink? Maybe it was all these things or none?

Being a man: is it a right or a responsibility?

Human rights – men’s and women’s rights – are very important. The UN charter was a huge stride forward in addressing injustices in society. But it seems that generally, people must state and stand up for their rights when other people are not living up to their responsibilities; the responsibility we all must respect, love and look after others, especially those less fortunate than us.

And that is why I like to focus on personal responsibility when thinking about identity. If we take responsibility, within our sphere of influence, we can ensure the people around us are treated right. And it is hard to separate the concept of responsibility from what it is to be a man. Being a man involves taking responsibility.

Responsibility means using our influence in the right way. And influence is leadership, so being a man also relates to being a leader. For clarity, I would apply the same logic to women as well. As boys become men and girls become women there is a change of expectation when it comes to responsibility. The responsibility of parenthood and the leadership required of both the father and mother is a great example of this step change in becoming an adult.

We all have influence – to a greater or lesser degree – and therefore we all have leadership potential and responsibility as men and women leaders to use that influence for good. But that differentiates childhood from adulthood more that specifically becoming a man. So, we ask again: what makes a real man?

What makes a real man?

It is common to hear someone referred to as a ‘real man’. Which does beg the question, what does it mean to be a real man? It is also interesting that one is less likely to hear the phrase ‘real woman’! Perhaps gents – yes, I am speaking to all of you guys – this indicates an area where men have some real insecurities. There is some deep urge to be a real man.

So, what is a real man?

The idea of a real man is very dependent upon a given culture. The idealised man is visualised variously in different places and at different times. Even as I sit here typing I know that my idea of a man is very much dependent upon unconscious biases that I have developed from living in my setting.

But even this picture can vary considerably within a given country. Just imagine a picture of a real man in your country, but either in an urban or rural setting, and you will see what I mean. The ideas are often quite different.

It is important to remember that a lot of the things often associated with the idea of a real man are often cosmetic. For example, in some cultures, a real man wears a beard, in others, not. In some cultures, a real man is obese, in others, they are supposed to be buff. In other words, when people frequently talk about being a real man, they refer to present fashion or trends within a given culture.

But these superficial ideas often indicate a deeper principle. As with the iceberg model of culture, the behaviours we observe are rooted in beliefs and values that are hidden below the surface.

Being a net provider or contributor

There are some cultural similarities, beyond fashion, that point towards a common theme of manhood, and that is the idea of being a net provider. In other words, a person who contributes more to their family group than they take from it.

Even unhelpful stereotypes of the real man, pictured as a gnarly hunter or successful businessman, point towards this deeper value. For example, I know for me that being financially independent of my parents was an important aspect of feeling like a man. Today, being able to provide for my family and contribute to my community is a key to my masculine identity, for good or ill.

I say for good or ill as many men suffer crises when out of work or when they retire. They are not just made redundant, they feel redundant. There have been various studies that show that men, in particular, suffer more from mental health problems at retirement. This is generally linked to more traditional gender roles and men seeing themselves as the primary breadwinner for a family, whereas women place much more worth on their maternal roles. Put simply, guys are much more likely to have an action-orientated identity; they want to be doing something. Women generally place more worth in their relational links and therefore their identity is more shaped in that context.

This may change over time as traditional roles change but, at least for now, it is worth remembering. And we males should challenge ourselves with some questions. What is it that we like to do that brings real worth? How do the things we do contribute to our community? Are we making sure we connect with people, and really foster relationships, as well as just achieving tasks? What do we really value and what do we do that brings real value?

The Quest

Understand your values, unlock your purpose, set your priorities, achieve success. Click here to sign up and get the 1st stage for free!

What are male values?

There are not any exclusively male values, but there are certainly some that are historically associated with men. When working out our personal values, understanding these expectations is important. Misunderstanding these cultural principles can lead to negative expressions or behaviours.

For example, the concept of being a man is often related to strength. This primarily stems from the physiological differences between men and women and that men are generally biologically wired to have greater physical strength than women. This is largely due to body size, as comparative studies have shown. There are hormonal differences too and the increased amounts of testosterone in men, compared to women, is a key factor, particularly through puberty.

Masculine values and behaviour

The idea of physical strength can be related to positive characteristics such as being a provider and protector. In modern Western society, the need for physical strength to achieve these positive outcomes (i.e., supporting and defending our people group) has reduced, but the association remains. And with it also come negative behaviours. The idea of strength is frequently misused through posturing, aggression, and violence. These behaviours most frequently manifest in society through men. For example, the UN 2019 study on homicide shows that men are both the major perpetrator, and victims, of murder.

In terms of linking positive behaviours and values, the poem If, by Rudyard Kipling is an evocative picture of how a man could embody the strength of character, and male-associated principles such as confidence, determination and honesty.

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise.

If – Rudyard Kipling

What does it mean to be a man today?

Due to the challenge of working out what it is to be a man, particularly in today’s culture, there are movements to help people think about what it is to be a man. Probably the most well-known of these is International Men’s Day (IMD), which falls on the 19^th of November each year.

The idea of international men’s day is to “celebrate worldwide the positive value men bring to the world, their families and communities.” It does this through six core statements of purpose, the pillars of IMD.

The 6 Pillars of International Men’s Day (IMD)

The IMD objectives or 6 Pillars of International Men’s Day are:

1. To promote positive male role models; not just movie stars and sportsmen but everyday, working-class men who are living decent, honest lives.
2. To celebrate men’s positive contributions to society, community, family, marriage, childcare, and the environment.
3. To focus on men’s health and well-being; social, emotional, physical, and spiritual.
4. To highlight discrimination against men; in areas of social services, social attitudes and expectations, and law.
5. To improve gender relations and promote gender equality.
6. To create a safer, better world; where people can be safe and grow to reach their full potential.

In these statements what we don’t get is a definition of what a man needs to be. Instead, the provisions create an environment where men can work this out for themselves, in a positive way, with the support of others.

Helping men and boys

The theme for International Men’s Day in November 2022 is ‘helping men and boys’. So, for you guys out there, what can you do to help other men and boys? How can you contribute to your family, community, or team? And to you gals, how can you support the men you know in doing this? We, men, may pretend otherwise, but we need support and encouragement!

So, what does it mean to be a man?

There are no easy answers. But we have seen that men like to take action, so as you think about what you might do for IMD, let me leave the last words to Kipling, as something to ponder, as you work out what it is to be a man and help boys as they learn to do the same.

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

If – Rudyard Kipling