Transformational leadership is a popular leadership theory. This YouTube video introduces the theory and how it differs from transactional leadership:
The concept of transformational leadership came from the study of charismatic leaders but this research identified that there are several key traits that set aside transformational leaders. Most importantly the transformational leader is a positive role model, they clearly articulate a vision, inspire creativity and develop individuals, raising up new leadership wherever they operate.
You can read more in the accompanying post: https://therightquestions.co/how-to-grow-from-transactional-to-transformational-leadership/
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!
There are 5 key stages to team development according to the Tuckman model. This YouTube video explains each step:
Bruce Tuckman conducted research on teams and identified 5 stages of team development that a group needs to progress through. A manager who understands these stages and the needs of people at each stage can help the team progress through to the performing stage, and become a high-performing team.
These stages are:
Each of these is explained in more detail in the video and the accompanying article. You can read more about this model by following this link to read How to Develop an Effective Team with The Tuckman Model.
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!
Leadership coaching is a proven tool for personal and professional growth. But what exactly is leadership coaching, why is it important, who does it benefit, and how do you choose a coach? In this article, we will delve into the definition of leadership coaching, explore its importance in leadership, highlight the numerous benefits it offers, and provide tips for selecting a suitable coach.
Leadership coaching is a personalised process where a coach helps an individual improve their leadership skills. It’s about guiding leaders to reach their full potential by developing specific skills, enhancing their strengths, and addressing any areas of improvement. Coaches work with leaders to set goals, overcome challenges, and achieve personal and organizational success.
A leadership coach acts as a facilitator for change. They act as a sounding board, encouraging deep thought, but also providing challenge, objective feedback and insights as needed. They offer guidance on various aspects of leadership, such as communication, decision-making, conflict resolution, and team management. By doing so, they help leaders gain clarity, improve their performance, and achieve their desired outcomes. Leadership coaching also goes beyond work as a good leader needs life balance and a firm idea of their personal direction and purpose.
Leadership coaching is important because it addresses the unique challenges that leaders face. As organizations evolve, leaders are required to adapt to new roles and responsibilities. Coaching provides the support and tools needed to navigate these changes effectively. Here are a few reasons why coaching is crucial in leadership:
Leadership coaching helps individuals develop a deeper understanding of themselves. Coaches encourage leaders to reflect on their strengths, weaknesses, and values. This self-awareness is vital for making informed decisions and leading with authenticity.
Coaching fosters a culture of continuous learning and development. Leaders are encouraged to set goals and work towards them, which promotes personal and professional growth. This mindset of constant improvement is essential for staying competitive in today’s dynamic business environment.
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Effective communication is a cornerstone of successful leadership. Coaching helps leaders enhance their communication skills, enabling them to convey their vision clearly and inspire their teams. Improved communication leads to better collaboration and increased productivity.
Leadership coaching offers a wide range of benefits that positively impact both the individual and the organization. Let’s explore some of these benefits:
Coaching helps leaders develop critical thinking and problem-solving skills, which are crucial for making sound decisions. By learning to analyze situations objectively, leaders can make informed choices that align with their goals and values.
Working with a leadership coach boosts a leader’s confidence by helping them recognize their strengths and accomplishments. This increased confidence enables leaders to take calculated risks and seize new opportunities.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize and manage one’s emotions and the emotions of others. Coaching helps leaders develop this skill, which is vital for building strong relationships and leading empathetically.
Leadership coaching encourages leaders to prioritize their well-being and maintain a healthy work-life balance. By managing stress and setting boundaries, leaders can avoid burnout and maintain their effectiveness over the long term.
Coaching not only benefits the individual leader but also has a positive impact on their team. As leaders improve their skills, they become better at motivating and guiding their teams, leading to increased productivity and job satisfaction. This is how high-performing teams are developed.
When leaders commit to personal growth and development, they inspire others to do the same. This commitment to growth fosters a positive organizational culture where continuous improvement and innovation are valued.
Choosing the right leadership coach is crucial for maximizing the benefits of coaching. Here are some tips to help you find the right coach:
Look for a coach with relevant credentials and experience in leadership development. A coach with a proven track record of success will be better equipped to guide you on your journey.
For example, in my case, I did post-graduate studies in Coaching and Mentoring at Warwick University, I have many years of experience in senior leadership positions, and I am a member of the Association of Coaching (AC). There are many other qualifications for coaches, and too many to name here, but the other professional body that many coaches belong to is the International Coaching Federation (ICF). So, when looking for a coach, make sure you explore their credentials too.
Different coaches have different coaching styles. Some may focus on practical strategies, while others may emphasize personal reflection and growth. Consider what style aligns best with your needs and preferences.
For example, you can read more about my particular style in Leadership Coaching with Simon and The Right Questions.
Compatibility is key to a successful coaching relationship. Ensure that you feel comfortable with the coach and that their values align with your own. A strong rapport will facilitate open communication and trust.
Leadership coaching is a valuable investment for anyone looking to enhance their leadership skills and achieve greater success. By providing personalized guidance and support, leadership coaches help individuals develop self-awareness, improve their communication skills, and achieve their goals. The benefits of leadership coaching extend beyond the individual, positively impacting teams and organizations as a whole. Whether you’re an aspiring leader or an experienced executive, leadership coaching can help you reach your full potential and drive meaningful change.
If you want to find out more, do drop me a line via the contact page.
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!
The personal SWOT analysis is one of the best-known situational and self-awareness tools. This YouTube video introduces the tool with examples:
SWOT is an acronym that stands for: Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. The SWOT analysis was originally developed by researchers at Stanford University and designed for organisations but it can equally be used by individuals.
For further information, there is an accompanying article that you can access with this link: https://therightquestions.co/how-to-do-a-swot-analysis/
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!
The Right Questions framework is a process and set of tools to help people who want to:
The Right Questions framework is based upon the main interrogative words in the English language, linking each to a key theme and further questions:
| Interrogative | Use | Application |
| Why | Reason | Values, principles, priorities, passions |
| Where | Place | Situation (past and present), vision |
| What | Thing | Mission, end-state, success, USP |
| Which | Selection | Options, courses of action, risks, reflection |
| How | Manner | Plan, route, tasks, resources |
| Who | Person | Self, team, network, relationships |
| When | Time | Timing, programming, prioritisation |
To help you navigate the posts that explain the framework, follow the links under the headings below that correspond to the individual posts.
Beside each post, on the right sidebar, you will see the main categories that relate to the posts below. These are:
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The initial questions of why (principles, priorities and passions) where (situation and vision) and what (mission, success criteria) provide the strategic framing for any plans we make. The quality of the options we develop to achieve success and the effectiveness of our planning depends largely on the development of the overall strategy.
The second part or stage is called the ‘reflection point’. In every decision making cycle you consider your options in the light of the situation, the risks and opportunities. This reflection point either takes you back to Stage 1, and a further iteration of refining the Strategic Framing, or onto Stage 3, Developing a Plan, where an actionable plan can be created for the chosen course of action, fulfilling the strategy.
The third section on planning uses the questions how, who and when to explore the detail needed to deliver on your desired course of action in alignment with your overall strategy.
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!
Values are the principles and beliefs by which we live our lives and make our decisions. If you want to effectively lead yourself and lead others then you need to be aware of what those personal values are.
Our values are also linked to how we feel. Think for a moment: are you feeling unhappy, distressed or dissatisfied about something?
If you are, then there is a good chance that your reality is not living up to your expectations. Economists and researchers Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells worked out the fundamental equation of happiness was: Happiness = Reality – Expectations.
“Happiness equals reality minus expectations”
Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells
For example, it might be that you are unhappy about your:
The usual reaction at this stage is to set a goal and achieve something that we think will make us feel happy. But, this often does not solve the underlying issue as unhappiness, and our expectations about being content, are actually rooted in our values. Our dissatisfaction is often caused by a misalignment between your core values and what is happening in your life and work at the moment.
Therefore, even if you did set and achieve a goal without understanding this, you may well find you end up unhappy again. If you do not make a decision in the context of your key principles then it is likely you will make the wrong decision or not really solve the deeper cause of your unhappiness.
By understanding your values you are in a good place to make a change for the better. That is the reason for starting with asking the question ‘why?’ Why do we want something? Why do we feel that way? Why do we want to change? These are the questions that will help us understand our motivations and pick the right goals.
Understanding your own values or principles is therefore vital in order to be effective and happy. And that is not just me saying that. Ray Dalio shares his precepts in his book ‘Principles and urges others to discover theirs. Brene Brown evidences the importance of values in Dare to Lead and Steven R Covey argues for a model of leadership based on being Principle-Centred.
Value denotes a degree of importance. In monetary terms, we set a value on something by how much we are willing to pay for a product or service.
In moral terms, a value is an ideal that we give a high degree of importance. Values are the moral code that guides us, and the priorities that motivate us. They are the principles we uphold, the ethics and tenets that we believe in and ascribe to. These ideas are our rules of conduct and standards of behaviour.
If you do not know what your values are then it is very likely that you are living your life – whether you know it or not – according to other people’s principles or priorities.
“Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.”
Brian Tracy
There are values we hold personally and those we share corporately, be that with a team, community or organisation. They are often similar but expressed in subtly different ways. For example, common personal values might be expressed as kindness but a team might talk about respect for others. A person may value honesty whereas an organisation might express that as transparency.
David Brooks has formulated another way of looking at values, and that is resume values versus eulogy values. The differences are explored in his book The Road to Character and outlined in his TED Talk, “Should you live for your resume or your eulogy?”
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You can do an assessment of your values by examining different aspects of your life and looking for trends. You may have a feel for the values you most relate to, but thinking about values through these different lenses will help you see which principles you really do embody or aspire towards.
In my experience, it is good to start with examining our:
The amount of our character that is fixed at birth or developed by external influence has been a hotly contested subject for many years. We will not go into the ‘nature versus nurture’ arguments here, but it is relatively safe to say that our character is formed from a mixture of both innate qualities and our experiences.
There are various personality tests that you can do but one of the most instructive ways you can examine your character is by looking at the stories of your life.
Try to think about:
When reflecting on a personal story you can analyse it in this way:
Certain themes and principles should emerge as you do this analysis.
One simple and effective way to examine our priorities is to see where we use our resources. We invest our time and money in what we value.
Where does your cash go? Money provides a very tangible expression of what we prioritise. Have a look at your bank account and credit card bills. Even how much you spend on essentials and where you shop can be telling. Food, clothing, and shelter are essential but buying luxury options are not. What do you choose to spend more or less on?
Do some analysis and ask:
Time is a truly finite resource. How you spend your time will give you a good indication of what you really value. Take a look at your diary or think back and answer the following:
Our passions are the things that drive us emotionally. Our passions either draw us towards or away from something or someone. Often we don’t analyse these thoughts and they can go unnoticed but if you reflect on your thoughts and dreams, beliefs and influences then you will gain a deeper understanding of your passions.
What we spend our time thinking, dreaming or worrying about can also tell us a lot. Think about:
What are your theological, metaphysical, philosophical and political beliefs? Ask yourself:
There are many external influences on our lives and predominantly these are people we know or respect. Think about the following:
Having thought through your personal stories, how you spend your time and money, your dreams, your beliefs and your influences, you should be a much better place to assess what your values really are.
What trends do you see appearing and which words help to sum those up?
“Principles are fundamental truths that serve as the foundations for behavior that gets you what you want out of life. They can be applied again and again in similar situations to help you achieve your goals.”
Ray Dalio
The list of words that we could use to express our values is almost endless but sometimes we can struggle to come up with the right one.
Here is a list of more than 150 more common values that will help to prompt you:
| Accountability | Discipline | Humour | Respect |
| Accuracy | Discretion | Humility | Restraint |
| Achievement | Diversity | Independence | Results-oriented |
| Adventure | Dynamism | Ingenuity | Rigour |
| Altruism | Economy | Inner Harmony | Romance |
| Appearance | Effectiveness | Inquisitiveness | Security |
| Ambition | Efficiency | Insightfulness | Self-actualization |
| Autonomy | Elegance | Integrity | Self-control |
| Assertiveness | Empathy | Intelligence | Self-expression |
| Balance | Enjoyment | Intimacy | Selflessness |
| Beauty | Enthusiasm | Intuition | Self-reliance |
| Being the best | Environment | Joy | Sensitivity |
| Belonging | Equality | Justice | Serenity |
| Boldness | Excellence | Leadership | Service |
| Calmness | Excitement | Legacy | Shrewdness |
| Carefulness | Expertise | Love | Simplicity |
| Challenge | Exploration | Loyalty | Soundness |
| Cheerfulness | Expressiveness | Making a difference | Speed |
| Clarity | Fairness | Mastery | Spirituality |
| Commitment | Faith | Merit | Spontaneity |
| Community | Family | Nature | Stability |
| Communication | Flexibility | Obedience | Status |
| Compassion | Fidelity | Openness | Strategic |
| Competitiveness | Fitness | Order | Strength |
| Connectivity | Fluency | Originality | Structure |
| Consistency | Focus | Partnership | Success |
| Contentment | Freedom | Patriotism | Support |
| Continuous Improvement | Friendship | Perfection | Teamwork |
| Contribution | Fulfilment | Personal growth | Thankfulness |
| Control | Fun | Piety | Thoroughness |
| Cooperation | Generosity | Positivity | Thoughtfulness |
| Correctness | Goodness | Power | Timeliness |
| Courtesy | Grace | Practicality | Tolerance |
| Creativity | Growth | Privacy | Tradition |
| Curiosity | Happiness | Preparedness | Trustworthiness |
| Decisiveness | Hard Work | Professionalism | Truth |
| Democraticness | Health | Prudence | Understanding |
| Dependability | Helping Society | Quality-orientation | Uniqueness |
| Determination | Holiness | Recognition | Unity |
| Devoutness | Honesty | Reliability | Usefulness |
| Diligence | Honour | Resourcefulness | Vitality |
Pick the 3 most important principles, those with the highest score and correlation after looking at the various aspects above.
Why 3? Because:
“If you have more than three priorities, you have no priorities”
Brené Brown, Dare to Lead
Three is a powerful number for various reasons (to find our more read The Rule of 3).
One of the best ways to identify your values is to follow this easy process:
For each of the 3 words that you have chosen, write your own definition. Think:
The idea here is to define how you actually live out your value. Simon Sinek puts it in this way:
“For values or guiding principles to be truly effective they have to be verbs. It’s not “integrity,” it’s “always do the right thing.” It’s not “innovation,” it’s “look at the problem from a different angle.” Articulating our values as verbs gives us a clear idea – we have a clear idea of how to act in any situation.”
Simon Sinek
Next, put your principles in priority order. This is important as there will be decisions where you have to know the most important factor. To help you try asking these questions:
“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”
― Roy Disney
Once you know your values you can use them to guide you in making decisions, setting goals and living a more fulfilling life. You are likely to continue to refine your list over time so it is worth reviewing whenever you review your plans.
We have to make an active choice. If we go with the flow then we can be swayed by wrong beliefs and unhelpful thoughts that can create bad habits, wrong values and an unhappy destiny. Or, if we actively work to define our values, we can build useful habits, have positive words and actions and create positive thoughts and liberating beliefs. We all have a personal responsibility for our destiny.
You have made a big step towards understanding your personal values and this will really help you. It does not end there though. In my experience, understanding values is an iterative process; you will refine your principles every time to take time to really examine them.
Your values create a firm platform for your decisions and plans. Question is, now you have the foundations, what will you build?
You may want to start making a plan for what you want to do next and if so you will find my post on making an action plan useful.
You may want also want some help, delving deeper into your values and identifying your goals. I have the pleasure of seeing amazing, positive, transformations in the individuals and organisations I work with. If you would like some assistance too, in person or online, then please do drop me a line. You can email me via the contact page.
And if you would like to hear more about how I discovered my personal values, check out this video:
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!
What is the most important decision you have ever made? It might have been choosing your romantic partner, selecting your school, or deciding upon your career. How did you make that decision? Whatever process you applied – consciously or otherwise – to your choice, that decision was informed by your personal values. This is what values-based decision-making or principle-based decision-making is all about; understanding how our precepts and beliefs inform our judgements.
We might think that our biggest decisions would be based upon pure logic and critical reasoning, but we would be wrong. Just think for a moment; if your spouse or partner asked you why you wanted to be with them, how would you reply? Would you immediately say,
“Well, I considered the factors, and – following an analytical process – decided that you were the most rational choice of partner, presenting the best statistical chance of a successful union (given the limited alternatives)”?
I doubt that would get a kindly reception.
You are more likely to answer that it is because you love them. But then you must think about the follow-up question of why do you love them? When you explore that question you can see that, knowingly, or otherwise, you have made a values-based decision. The reasons for loving someone are bound up with your principles, beliefs, and passions.
When I first started to think about decision-making, during my time as a bomb disposal officer, I did use to think that decision-making was largely a rational process. It took some near-death experiences for me to realise that the neuroscience of decision-making is much more complicated. Slowly, I came to appreciate the important psychology of heuristics and bias, as well as understanding the importance of assumptions and how values underpin our decision-making.
The book that introduced me to the concept of principle-based decision making was The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey points out:
“We are not in control, principles control. We control our actions, but the consequences that flow from these actions are controlled by Principles.”
Stephen R Covey
So, the fact is that – whether we know it or not – our personal values drive our decision-making and influence the choices we make. But this is not a new discovery and Covey was not alone in this idea. For example, Gandhi said,
“Your values become your destiny.”
Gandhi
And this school of thought goes back much further. The idea of making right judgements is the field of ethics in philosophy. In Western philosophy, it was Socrates, Plato and Aristotle – the so-called founding fathers of ethics – who started this tradition.
Ethical decision-making is not just about choices in medicine (such as when to end care) or complex moral conundrums faced by society (such as assisted suicide). You cannot separate ethics from personal values and our everyday behaviour. As well as the moral code of the society we live in, we all have our own inner sense of morality that informs our actions. The ability to make these choices, according to our values, is inextricably tied to our understanding of freedom. Aristotle summed it up this way:
“Freedom is obedience to self-formulated rules.”
Aristotle
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My favourite analogy for personal values is that they are like a compass. The whole point of a magnetic compass is that it points to the North, no matter which way we are facing. Even when we cannot see properly – for example, when stuck in fog or deep in a jungle – the compass gives us reliable data about our direction.
Personal values do the same for us. Whatever our circumstances, our values are an inner compass, informing us of whether the direction we are choosing is in line with principles or not.
“I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values – and follow my own moral compass – then the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.”
Michelle Obama
To complete the analogy, it is worth remembering that a compass can be affected by magnetic interference and occasionally not be trusted. In the same way, even our moral compass can be thrown off by cognitive bias. That is why no one aspect of decision-making can be considered without respect to other facets. We must be aware of all the various neural processes if we really want to make good decisions.
Ray Dalio is an expert in how values affect decision-making in an organisation. In his book, Principles, he shares the values that he has identified and implemented – both in personal and business life. What makes Ray Dalio’s company Bridgewater, so impressive is the way they have built their values into the very fabric of the business.
For many organisations, their company values are just nice-sounding universal values (such as trust or creativity) that have been decided upon by an executive, but with little thought to how these values should truly affect the culture of an organisation. Many employees can barely remember their company values, let alone explain how they should inform their judgements and behaviours. Not so at Bridgewater.
At Bridgewater, not only did they identify the company values, but they also then built organisational processes to reflect those principles, even writing code to embed these principles into automated decision-making. With each decision made these values are tested, the results examined, and the algorithms refined in a constant process of improvement.
This approach, backed up by the transparent way Bridgewater makes choices, empowers people at every level in the business to make decisions. Decision-making is not the preserve of management or the executive suite. At Bridgewater, this empowerment has fuelled effectiveness, growth and profitability.
As Roy Disney, the co-founder of another values-driven company observes,
“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”
Roy Disney
It is worth reflecting upon. You can ask these questions:
This sort of organisation is led by a leader who understands the importance of values; someone who knows their own principles and lives according to them. We call that integrity; someone who walks the talk, and integrity is one of the most frequently listed essential traits of a leader.
Stephen Covey wrote about this sort of leadership in his other popular book, The Principle-Centred Leader, but this approach to leadership also has a lot in common with servant leadership, transformational leadership and authentic leadership, all of which emphasise leaders of moral principle and purpose.
So, having seen that understanding personal values is important as they affect our choices, what do we do about it? The first step in making better decisions is to identify the principles that guide you in your judgements. This will help both you and the people you work with. As Ray Dalio points out,
“The most important thing is that you develop your own principles and ideally write them down, especially if you are working with others.”
Ray Dalio
Take a moment to think. Can you write down your top values? Try to think of the top principles that you adhere to. I recommend 5 to 10 as a maximum. If you are a bit stuck then there are various tools, exercises that can help you do this and if you would like some help then read my post on What Are Your Personal Values?
Once you have your list of personal values, there are some simple, practical ways you can employ them to inform your decision-making. For example:
Create a venn diagram that shows how your core values overlap. You can then think of past experiences, upcoming events, roles you play and choices your make, and plot them on the Venn diagram to indicate how these different situations utilise or impact your principles.
In theory, the intersection of your values, where they are all being employed to the max, is a sweet spot. This should be a space of fulfilment, flow and effectiveness. If you are trying to work out the ideal career or vocation, then this is a good place to start.
For example, my core values are leadership, service and adventure. Therefore, it is no surprise that I served as an officer in the military, as this profession sits at the nadir of my values.
You can also consider the factors relayed in my post on:
How do you find a job that you love?
Another way to use values is to use them as factors when weighing up different courses of action. When facing a choice or considering a goal, there are often multiple options we can pursue. To decide between these potential paths, we can score each option against our key principles. A course of action that scores the highest, according to the values you choose, is likely to be the preferred choice.
You can read more about developing and choosing between courses of actions in my post:
Choose the Best Course of Action to Achieve Your Goal
Another way you can use your personal principles is to think of them as a dashboard, with each value as a gauge that monitors levels in real time. This is a useful way of thinking about how our values are impacted on a more continual basis, day-to-day.
In this way, the console helps us maintain a life balance. I like to imagine them like a dashboard in a plane, where my values gauges sit alongside other dials that measure other important factors such as rest, nutrition and emotions. You can read more about how to use this approach in:
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!
If you, like me, grew up in a culture without a specific rite of passage that marks when you change from being a boy to a man, it can be quite hard to state exactly when you became a man and, by extension, what it means to be a man.
For me, no songs were sung, or words said. I was not cut or marked. I was not cast out or assigned a specific task or role. But at some point, I just was. A man.
So, what happened and when? Was it when I went through puberty or grew to be as strong as my dad? Perhaps when I got my first job, or perhaps when I left home? Was it when I could legally marry, drive, or drink? Maybe it was all these things or none?
Human rights – men’s and women’s rights – are very important. The UN charter was a huge stride forward in addressing injustices in society. But it seems that generally, people must state and stand up for their rights when other people are not living up to their responsibilities; the responsibility that we all must respect, love and look after others, especially those less fortunate than us.
And that is why I like to focus on personal responsibility when thinking about identity. If we take responsibility, within our sphere of influence, we can ensure the people around us are treated right. And it is hard to separate the concept of responsibility from what it is to be a man. Being a man involves taking responsibility.
Responsibility means using our influence in the right way. And influence is leadership, so being a man also relates to being a leader. For clarity, I would apply the same logic to women as well. As boys become men and girls become women there is a change of expectation when it comes to responsibility. The responsibility of parenthood and the leadership required of both the father and mother is a great example of this step change in becoming an adult.
We all have influence – to a greater or lesser degree – and therefore we all have leadership potential and responsibility as men and women leaders to use that influence for good. But that differentiates childhood from adulthood more that specifically becoming a man. So, we ask again: what makes a real man?
It is common to hear someone referred to as a ‘real man’. Which does beg the question, what does it mean to be a real man? It is also interesting that one is less likely to hear the phrase ‘real woman’! Perhaps gents – yes, I am speaking to all of you guys – this indicates an area where men have some real insecurities. There is some deep urge to be a real man.
So, what is a real man?
The idea of a real man is very dependent upon a given culture. The idealised man is visualised variously in different places and at different times. Even as I sit here typing I know that my idea of a man is very much dependent upon unconscious biases that I have developed from living in my setting.
But even this picture can vary considerably within a given country. Just imagine a picture of a real man in your country, but either in an urban or rural setting, and you will see what I mean. The ideas are often quite different.
It is important to remember that a lot of the things often associated with the idea of a real man are often cosmetic. For example, in some cultures, a real man wears a beard, in others, not. In some cultures, a real man is obese, in others, they are supposed to be buff. In other words, when people frequently talk about being a real man, they refer to present fashion or trends within a given culture.
But these superficial ideas often indicate a deeper principle. As with the iceberg model of culture, the behaviours we observe are rooted in beliefs and values that are hidden below the surface.
There are some cultural similarities, beyond fashion, that point towards a common theme of manhood, and that is the idea of being a net provider. In other words, a person who contributes more to their family group than they take from it.
Even unhelpful stereotypes of the real man, pictured as a gnarly hunter or successful businessman, point towards this deeper personal value. For example, I know for me that being financially independent of my parents was an important aspect of feeling like a man. Today, being able to provide for my family and contribute to my community is a key to my masculine identity, for good or ill.
I say for good or ill as many men suffer crises when out of work or when they retire. They are not just made redundant, they feel redundant. There have been various studies that show that men, in particular, suffer more from mental health problems at retirement. This is generally linked to more traditional gender roles and men seeing themselves as the primary breadwinner for a family, whereas women place much more worth on their maternal roles. Put simply, guys are much more likely to have an action-orientated identity; they want to be doing something. Women generally place more worth in their relational links and therefore their identity is more shaped in that context.
This may change over time as traditional roles change but, at least for now, it is worth remembering. And we males should challenge ourselves with some questions. What is it that we like to do that brings real worth? How do the things we do contribute to our community? Are we making sure we connect with people, and really foster relationships, as well as just achieving tasks? What do we really value and what do we do that brings real value?
There are not any exclusively male values, but there are certainly some that are historically associated with men. When working out our personal values, understanding these expectations is important. Misunderstanding these cultural principles can lead to negative expressions or behaviours.
For example, the concept of being a man is often related to strength. This primarily stems from the physiological differences between men and women and that men are generally biologically wired to have greater physical strength than women. This is largely due to body size, as comparative studies have shown. There are hormonal differences too and the increased amounts of testosterone in men, compared to women, is a key factor, particularly through puberty.
The idea of physical strength can be related to positive characteristics such as being a provider and protector. In modern Western society, the need for physical strength to achieve these positive outcomes (i.e., supporting and defending our people group) has reduced, but the association remains. And with it also come negative behaviours. The idea of strength is frequently misused through posturing, aggression, and violence. These behaviours most frequently manifest in society through men. For example, the UN 2019 study on homicide shows that men are both the major perpetrator, and victims, of murder.
In terms of linking positive behaviours and values, the poem If, by Rudyard Kipling is an evocative picture of how a man could embody the strength of character, and male-associated principles such as confidence, determination and honesty.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise.
If – Rudyard Kipling
Due to the challenge of working out what it is to be a man, particularly in today’s culture, there are movements to help people think about what it is to be a man. Probably the most well-known of these is International Men’s Day (IMD), which falls on the 19th of November each year.
The idea of international men’s day is to “celebrate worldwide the positive value men bring to the world, their families and communities.” It does this through six core statements of purpose, the pillars of IMD.
The IMD objectives or 6 Pillars of International Men’s Day are:
In these statements what we don’t get is a definition of what a man needs to be. Instead, the provisions create an environment where men can work this out for themselves, in a positive way, with the support of others.
The theme for International Men’s Day in November 2022 is ‘helping men and boys’. So, for you guys out there, what can you do to help other men and boys? How can you contribute to your family, community, or team? And to you gals, how can you support the men you know in doing this? We, men, may pretend otherwise, but we need support and encouragement!
One thing I have done is to create some free online resources and courses, to help everyone (but especially guys) to develop their life and leadership skills. You can find out more details by following the link below.
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There are no easy answers. But we have seen that men like to take action, so as you think about what you might do for IMD, let me leave the last words to Kipling, as something to ponder, as you work out what it is to be a man and help boys as they learn to do the same.
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
If – Rudyard Kipling
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!
What are the right questions? Which questions do you need to ask if you want to lead yourself and others better? Why are the right questions important?
“A prudent question is one half of wisdom.” – Francis Bacon
Good questions are essential if we want to get the right information.
If we don’t ask the right questions we won’t get the answers we need. Without the necessary information, we won’t be able to make good decisions. If we don’t make good decisions we lose our direction, don’t achieve our goals, fail in our leadership, and can end up ineffective, unhappy, or worse. That makes being able to ask questions both an essential life skill as well as a core leadership skill.
I found out how important questions are early on in my career because my first role was being a Bomb Disposal Officer.
I was just savouring a coffee from my newly purchased coffee maker when a wide-eyed and out of breath soldier stumbled into my makeshift office. My cup was poised in my hand – the aroma was fantastic – and the thought of drinking it was more alluring than anything I could imagine that this solider might interrupt me with. “This had better be good”, I thought.
“Sir! There is a suspicious package at the gates of the camp!”
I put the cup down; coffee time was over.
It was Bosnia in 2001, and I was a young Lieutenant in the Royal Engineers leading the Explosive Ordnance Disposal (bomb disposal) team in the local region. The conflict in Bosnia had died down some time ago so we were there mainly to clear up the mess that a war leaves behind, namely the mines, mortar bombs and other explosives that littered the countryside. But in the post 9/11 world, the threat of terrorist attack was at the forefront of people’s minds. In this context, an unexplained bag, right up against the front gates of a military camp, was screaming out ‘IED!’ (Improvised Explosive Device), and required immediate and serious attention.
Therefore, I went to take control of the scene and do an initial threat assessment. I met the guard commander and asked him some questions such as:
Where exactly was the package?
What did it look like?
Who had seen it first?
When had it been found?
Why was it suspicious?
How had it got there?
Very quickly a picture emerged that put my mind at ease.
One of the guards had seen an old and infirm lady dropping off the parcel. Upon questioning the local interpreters, I found out that this lady was well known to them (as she was a little eccentric) and that she had made similar deliveries before. It was more than likely that this was just a gift for the soldiers.
A short trip to visit the lady at her house confirmed that yes, she had just dropped off some biscuits for the troops. It just so happened that she thought that dropping off a ‘surprise’ in an unmarked bag, unannounced, at the front gate to a military base was a good thing to do!
After establishing all of this I was able to go back, safely deal with the package (no, I didn’t eat or blow up the biscuits), give the all-clear, and return the security levels to normal. I thanked the lady for the kind thought and gift but asked her to refrain from such ‘surprise’ generosity in the future.
So, the right question was not ‘do we cut the red or the blue wire?’ In fact, the right questions were not technical ones at all.
When you consider your life is under threat then it is very important to properly assess a situation. You have to overcome the ‘fight or flight’ response and use the decision space – the gap between stimulus and response – to work out what to do. In the time given you have to make an assessment. Asking the right questions and getting the right answers is essential before launching into action.
The military, the emergency services and medical services know this and train personnel in decision-making. By employing decision-making processes and then applying them in exercises and real-life situations, to build up experience, such people can become expert decision-makers and can make quick, effective decisions even in high-risk environments.
Outside of careers that deal with life-threatening situations very few people get training in asking questions and making decisions, despite that research time and again sights such competencies to be essential to employees and particularly leaders and managers (Harrell, Barbato). The need for decision-making is often expressed in other terms such as:
But all these things are related to or dependent upon good decision-making. And, what’s more, these things all come together in the realm of coaching and personal development. For senior executives and C-suite leaders, this is particularly true, as coaching at this level provides structured time to think and make the most important decisions for their work and life as a whole.
We generally take decision-making for granted, after all, we each make thousands of decisions every day, some conscious, some unconscious, and rarely need to apply more than our intuition to a problem. But there is a problem. Research, particularly by influential figures such as Daniel Kahneman, has demonstrated that our intuition is amazing but has limits.
Therefore understanding decision making and how to make good decisions is critical to all of us, and good decision making starts with good questions.
The problem with many processes and tools, including those used for decision-making, is that they are often non-intuitive and hard to remember. That is why we should start with what we already know and the structures that are already embedded.
“A problem well put is half solved.”
John Dewey
When I was training as a Bomb Disposal Officer we were taught a question technique called the ‘Five Ws’ which we used when we approached an incident. The ‘Five Ws’ is an interrogative style employed primarily by journalists and police officers but it is a framework that can be used by anyone to make an appreciation of a given situation.
The idea is that by asking open questions you are more likely to get factual answers by avoiding presuppositions. The simple idea of just having the ‘Five Ws’ of What? Where? When? Who? Why? (along with the added H of ‘How?’) provides an easy-to-remember checklist that is a useful starting point towards building a rounded picture of any circumstance.
As I have done further research into question technique and applied the principles in my work I have found that it is also useful to add another ‘W’ – that of ‘which?’ – to the list. The ‘which?’ question covers the concept of selection (and therefore of options and risk) and helps to complete the cycle, particularly when we are planning for the future, not just examining an event that has already happened.
This makes seven questions in a total and creates a easily remembered framework. Its easy to recall as its based upon the most common interrogative words that we use in English and also because we find it harder to recall lists about seven or eight items (Buzan).
The application of the interrogatives provides a holistic approach to analysing a situation and making an informed decision. The use of these seven open questions is a technique I have dubbed The Right Questions.
Seven questions? Surely that is too simple you say! Well, we will come back to that point but the simplicity is a large part of the system’s strength. But, as with any tool or model, the technique is only as good as its application and it is this application of the questions that we need to explore in more depth.
When you learn how to apply the system it is very flexible. My starting point when faced with a challenge – whether it is developing a business case, starting a project, or writing an article – will be to write down the seven Right Questions and start to brainstorm and explore my thoughts under each heading.
My experience of working as a coach and consultant has taught me that The Right Questions approach can be applied to everything from life direction and personal vision, to corporate strategy and organisational change.
I am passionate about serving individual and teams, helping them to face their challenges, achieve wonderful things and have fun while doing it. If I can serve you in this way then I will be fulfilling my goal.
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In the journey of life we get to travel together with others at different points. Our paths merge, cross and diverge and we never quite know how long we will have to travel alongside people. However long we have, I hope that in our time travelling together I can assist you in refining your direction and encouraging you on to all the amazing things life has in store for you.
Bon voyage et Bon courage!
“The discerning heart seeks knowledge.”
Solomon
To find out more about applying and using The Right Questions framework click on the link below:
Buzan, T (2010) Use Your Head, London: BBC
Giles, S (2016) The Most Important Leadership Competencies, According to Leaders Around the World, Harvard Business Review
Harrell, M and Barato, L (2018) Great Managers Still Matter: The Evolution of Google’s Project Oxygen, Google/Re:work
Kahneman, D (2011) Thinking Fast and Slow, New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux
Maxwell, J C (2007) The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader, Nashville: Thomas Nelson
Zenger, J and Folkman, J (2014) The Skills Leaders Need at Every Level, Harvard Business Review
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!
I love devouring books in the holiday season and I always carefully consider the books I purchase or ask for as gifts. Here are my top recommendations for leadership and management books. There are some old titles and some new ones, but they are all indispensable reads and should inform and inspire you.
This was one of the first leadership and management books I ever read and since that first encounter, I have not stopped going back to it. Full of practical wisdom, the book takes you on a journey; setting a foundation that helps you win at a personal level before providing you with the tools you need to flourish as a leader. If you have not read this book yet then redeem yourself this Christmas and get a copy!
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – UK
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – US
Jim Collins has become one of the most influential voices in organisational development over the past decade. This prequel to his other famous book, Built to Last, applies a scientific approach to identifying what makes a company successful, including what is needed of the people who lead such organisations. The book is challenging and inspiring in equal measure.
Good To Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t – UK
Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t – US
John C. Maxwell is a prolific writer and there are several excellent books that I could list here but this is perhaps his classic work. His straightforward can-do approach to leadership is very appealing and his simple definition of leadership as ‘influence’ demonstrates that we are all leaders at some level and therefore should seek to develop our character and hone our skills to become the best leaders we can be.
21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership – UK
The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership: Follow Them and People Will Follow You – US
Compelling and persuasive in its own right, Robert Cialdini’s famous work is a touchstone for people in marketing but considering Maxwell’s definition of leadership (that leadership is influence) this book is essential reading for every leader and manager. I guarantee that it will change the way you communicate and you will never see a sales pitch in the same way again!
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion – UK
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Collins Business Essentials) – US
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This fantastic resource was a new purchase for me in 2012. The book may fit in your pocket but don’t let that fool you, it is a veritable treasure trove. It is made all the more attractive because the material is presented in simple, easy to access chunks so you can work your way through or just dip in whenever you need. Whether you decide to stash the book in your top drawer at work or keep it on your bedside table, make sure it is close to hand for when you want inspiration.
The Decision Book: Fifty Models for Strategic Thinking – UK
The Decision Book: 50 Models for Strategic Thinking – US
David Allen, the bestselling author of Getting Things Done, and an expert in achieving work-life balance, wrote this book. I have just been given a copy and it comes with high recommendations so I will be reading it over Christmas. I look forward to reviewing it fully when I am finished and discussing it in the New Year!
Making It All Work: Winning at the game of work and the business of life – UK
Making It All Work: Winning at the Game of Work and Business of Life – US
The Right Questions is for people who want to lead better and make better decisions. We are all leaders as we all have influence, no matter how much or how little. So, how are you maximising your influence?
If you are unsure, just drop me a line. I would love to help!
Do you want to lead better? Would you like to make better decisions? Want support in achieving your goals? Get in touch and let me know how I can help!