How to Identify, Regulate and Manage Emotions

How do we manage our emotions? What can we do to regulate our emotional responses?

Managing emotions is the ability to control emotions so they work for you and others. It is best to regulate rather than repress emotions, as bottled-up emotions can become overwhelming and eventually break out, potentially causing harm or distress to you and others.  

To think about how we manage or regulate emotions we can use one of the models of emotional intelligence, the Ability Model. 

The Ability Model

Peter Salovey and John Mayer created the Ability Model, which has evolved into a 4 Branch Model that includes:

  • Perceiving emotions
  • Reasoning with emotions
  • Understanding emotions
  • Managing emotions

We can unpack each of these four aspects to help understand emotions better and equip us to better deal with them.

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Perceiving emotions

It is natural to have emotions but we can all be better at perceiving emotions in ourselves and others. The first step to improved perception is curiosity. We can be curious about our emotional state, and the causes and effects of our emotions.

Recognising and labelling our own emotions

When we feel a specific emotion, we can pause and ask ourselves:

  • What was the situation? (What was the circumstance, cue or trigger?)
  • What was the emotion? (How would you label or describe it?)
  • How did that make me feel? (Which passions or sentiments?)
  • How did my body react? (What body language, expression or movement?)
  • What did it make me think? (What thoughts, assumptions or self-talk?)
  • What does it make me want to do? (Which actions or behaviours)?

Spotting emotions in others

We can also be curious about the emotions of others. Of course we cannot feel what they are feeling, but using our powers of observation and empathy we can start to identify their emotions. 

We can pick up clues through:

  • Facial expressions. Our brains can pick up even tiny changes in faces. What emotion do you see in the expression (think about emojis!)
  • Body language. A person’s body language also gives us emotional signs. People might have open or closed postures, they might be tense or relaxed, static or moving.
  • Language. People’s language, tone and choice of words, all give clues to their emotional state. 

Reasoning with or use of emotions

Reasoning with, or the use of emotions, is the ability to utilise emotions to get an outcome. For example, emotions provide insights, call us to action and help us to be persuasive. 

Insights

Emotions can give us insights into our situation. They help us gauge the impact of circumstances upon ourselves and others. They also help us with creativity, problem-solving and decision-making. For example, anger and joy can inspire great art. Initial confusion can lead to curiosity about solutions. Our guts can help us make the right decision. 

Taking action

Emotions can inspire us to action. Emotions, used positively, can stir us up. Even anger, often thought of in a negative light, can be the right response to a bad situation. The challenge with strong emotions such as anger is controlling the emotion to allow us to pick the best response or behaviour to get the best outcome. 

Persuasion

Emotions can be persuasive. Every actor (and small child) knows this! If we are self-aware and self-controlled, we can pick the appropriate emotion to support our communication and be more persuasive. 

Understanding emotions

We are likely to all have an idea of what emotions are, but there is no one exact scientific definition. What is agreed is that emotions are mental states brought on by neurophysiological changes that impact our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

The English word “emotion” was adapted from the French word “émouvoir” meaning “to stir up.” It became a general term for passions, sentiments and affections.

Emotions differ from feelings in that feelings are experienced consciously, whereas emotions can manifest either consciously or unconsciously.

The National Health Service in the UK closely links emotions and our bodies. In this way

the word “emotion” can be described as:

“E-MOTION (Elicit Motion). Emotion causes us to react and move in certain ways.”

When thinking about managing emotions it is important to remember that emotions are natural. They are not implicitly good or bad, although they can prompt unhelpful thoughts or harmful behaviours, and that is just one of the reasons why it is important to regulate emotions. 

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Managing emotions

There are lots of techniques for managing or regulating emotions in ourselves and others. Here are some of the most helpful: 

Routine

Having a healthy routine, with the right amount of sleep, exercise and nutrition is foundational to good emotional regulation. We all know that tired people easily get grumpy and if you don’t eat you get ‘hangry’!

Acceptance

Accepting emotions is another starting point. We should not ignore, suppress or be fearful of them.

Breathing

Taking deep breaths and if possible employing breathing techniques, is one of the most effective, scientifically proven ways, to manage emotions and stress.

Mindfulness

Being mindful of ourselves and our situation allows us to be in the moment and identify our emotions without being swept away by them. 

Venting

Venting can help us get our emotions out and process our adrenaline. That might be speaking, shouting, writing things down, exercising (such as walking, running or hitting a punchbag) or similar. When we feel emotions, we get clues as to what we want to do, and we can then pick the most appropriate thing for the circumstance.

Facing the facts

It is helpful to face the facts of the situation and filter out wrong assumptions, fears, false hopes and other misguided thinking about our circumstances. This allows us to be more rational about dealing with the situation.

Reframing

Reframing is changing how we see our emotions and circumstances. For example, a problem or issue can be reframed as a challenge, adventure or learning opportunity. 

Envisioning

Envisioning allows us to picture something else in our minds. That could be a calming picture or memory, or a vision of how we want to act or want things to change.

Change of environment

Getting a change of environment can help to decompress emotions. That could be as simple as stepping into another room or going outside for a walk. Sometimes we might need a longer and more distinct change of scene, which is why vacations are important.

Distraction

 We can distract ourselves from negative emotions by choosing to think about or do other things. For example, playing relaxing games, reading, listening to music or watching something can all help distract us. But it is important to pick the right thing to take our emotions in the right way, for example you might not want to watch a sad movie if you are feeling down already. 

Positivity

Remaining positive is important. This often goes hand in hand with reframing as it is helpful to reframe a negative situation into something more positive. 

Affirmations

Affirmations reinforce positivity. They should follow the 3Ps of being positive, personal and in the present tense. For example:

  • I am loved.
  • I am confident.
  • All I need is within me now.
  • I am strong.
  • I am getting better and better every day.

Social Connections

Our social connections and relationships, if they are positive ones, also really help us. Feeling connected to people we love is not just important, it is proven to reduce stress and anxiety.

Get help

Finally, when we do feel out of our depth emotionally, we should be able to ask for help. That might be a friend, family member or colleague. Alternatively, it could be a counsellor, therapist or other professional. If in doubt, ask someone for help. 

Three simple steps to better emotional regulation

We return to the same steps outlined in the section on overcoming fear and anxiety. These are BTD or:

  1. Breathe – take some breaths to bring yourself under control and engage your brain
  2. Think – identify and label your emotions, recognise the cause and how it is making you feel
  3. Do – choose your action or behaviour. If the emotions are strong or you don’t feel fully under control you are likely to want to choose one of the emotional management techniques listed above.

Our emotions are fluid, they change throughout the day, every day, so be mindful of BTD, and the next time you feel an emotion today, follow the BTD steps. The more you practice the steps, the more likely you will be able to regulate your emotions when it matters the most. 

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for leaders who want coaching towards greater clarity, purpose and success. We are all leaders (whether we know it or not) as we all have influence. So the question is, what are you doing with your influence?

Wherever you are on your leadership journey, I hope that you find resources on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and coaching them to achieve their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

What Makes Emotional Intelligence And How Do You Nurture It?

I like to think that I have reasonable emotional intelligence, but I don’t always get it right. One memorable occasion, when I completely misjudged the emotional content of my communication, was when I found out I had been selected to be an explosive ordnance disposal officer. I was excited and immediately wanted to share my happy news. So, I rang my mother and blurted out “Amazing news mum, I am going to learn to defuse bombs!” I was met with silence at the other end of the line. Only then did I stop to think about how that might sound to a parent; especially a parent who has had to deal with an energetic, enthusiastic but somewhat accident-prone son! Now, being a parent myself, it makes me cringe to contemplate my lack of empathy.

What is Emotional Intelligence (EI) and how does it differ from IQ?

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to identify, comprehend, manage, and handle emotions. This ability starts with recognising and managing one’s own emotions and then those of others. Emotional intelligence is also known as Emotional Quotient or EQ. The term has been around since the 1960s but was made popular in 1995 by Daniel Goleman and his best-selling book, Emotional Intelligence.

In academic terms, emotional intelligence can be defined as:

“A subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own emotions and others’ emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one’s own thinking and actions”

Salovey and Mayer (1997)

EQ (or EI) differs from IQ. IQ stands for Intelligence Quotient and IQ is a score of a person’s problem-solving ability, measured through standardised psychometric tests. IQ assesses a person’s capacity for reasoning – which is useful – but what IQ does not assess is how a person interacts with others. That is where EQ becomes important.

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What are the components or skills of emotional intelligence?

There are various models that explain the components of emotional intelligence. Here are 3 of the most popular models:

Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence Model

Goleman’s model (also known as the Mixed Model) has five components:

  • Self-awareness
  • Self-regulation
  • Motivation
  • Empathy (the ability to
  • Social skills

The Bar-On Model

The Bar-On model of emotional-social intelligence has five scales made up of:

  • Self-perception
  • Self-expression
  • Interpersonal
  • Decision-making
  • Stress management

The Ability Model

Peter Salovey and John Mayer created the Ability Model, which has evolved into a 4 Branch Model that includes:

  • Perceiving emotions
  • Reasoning with emotions
  • Understanding emotions
  • Managing emotions

While all these models differ in subtle ways, there is a commonality in emotional intelligence that reflects the initial definitions: that of identifying and managing the emotions of oneself and others.

Why is Emotional Intelligence important?

Emotional intelligence is important as it is foundational to all relationships. To relate to people we need to understand our emotions and relate to those of others. But, EQ is of particular importance for leaders. Leadership, at its most basic level, is influence. And therefore if you want to influence people you need to know how they tick.

As seen in my earlier example I have learned – often the hard way – that clear communication is not necessarily effective communication. If you do not gauge the emotions of yourself or your audience, then you are unlikely to get the result you want or expect.

Emotional intelligence gives you the capability to perceive the emotional content of what people are communicating and what they need. That allows the manager or leader to interact effectively with an individual or team, gauging how they are feeling and what they need in terms of support, encouragement or help in order for them to develop and perform at high levels.

But EI or EQ is more important than just that. People with higher emotional intelligence – no matter what their leadership responsibilities are – have better mental health, more success at work and better relationships, according to Dr Travis Bradberry.

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How do you test or measure your EQ?

You can get a simple measure of your own EQ or emotional questions by asking yourself some simple questions.

There are also various tests available, many of them free, that you can access to test your EQ score. One very quick and free test you can do is provided by MindTools. It is only 15 questions long so you can complete it and get the answers back in less than 5 minutes.

How do you improve your EQ?

As with many aspects of leadership, there is some discussion as to whether emotional intelligence is born or bred; in other words, whether it is innate or can be learned. As with so much in life my experience is – and studies back this up – that it is a bit of both. Some people seem naturally more emotionally aware, but we can all get better at reading our own emotions and those of others.

As with everything in life you can improve EQ through practice, or rather, deliberate practice. Let’s use the Goleman model to explore the skill that you can develop to improve emotional intelligence:

Self-awareness 

Strengths and weaknesses

Self-knowledge, among other things, means knowing your strengths and weaknesses. If you need some help identifying your strengths and weaknesses then read Which Leadership Skills Do You Need to Develop Most?

Self-reflection

We all need some time out to reflect. It is important to set aside time to do this – away from distractions and interruptions. My preferred way of doing this is going for a walk.

Journaling

Another great aid to self-awareness and reflection is journaling. If you have not tried this before (or have struggled with it) have a look at Why journaling is important and how to start writing a journal.

Self-regulation 

Breathing techniques

Slowing down and taking some deep breaths do wonders for self-regulation. One of my favourite breathing techniques is this:

  • Put out your hand and spread your fingers out. You can do this on a surface or with your hand on your body.
  • Then with a finger from your other hand, slowly trace a line up and down each finger
  • When your tracing finger goes up, you breathe in, and when it goes down you breathe out
  • Work your way from small finger to thumb then back again. Take a moment to feel how much calmer you now feel.

Positive affirmations

Positive affirmations are helpful statements about us and the world. They challenge negative thinking and wrong assumptions. Psychological research has proven something that various religions have known for millennia: that encouraging statements, said out loud or on a regular basis, can change our mindsets for the better. Here are ten good examples of positive affirmations:

  1. I can change for the better
  2. I can make a positive difference in the world
  3. I am loved
  4. I can forgive those that have hurt me
  5. I am thankful for…
  6. Today is a new day and a new start
  7. I am blessed
  8. I release anger and embrace love
  9. I see that every obstacle is just a challenge and an opportunity for growth
  10. I do not need to fear

Accountability

One great way to self-regulate is to get other people to help. Being accountable to friends, family and colleagues is important. If you are really committed to a goal or a change you want to make then having a coach is a proven way to improve accountability.

Motivation

Values

In understanding motivations, there is no better place to start than understanding your values. If you would like help with this read What Are Your Personal Values?

Goal setting

Setting goals and achieving them is great for building motivation and momentum. But, to give us the best chance of success we need to specify, state and shape the goals. You can use self-coaching questions to help set and achieve goals.

Visualisation

Picturing what you want to achieve, in as much detail and emotional content as possible is a powerful way to set our brains on the course to success. In this way, visualisation can help turn a dream into reality.

Empathy

Empathetic listening

Listening is a foundational skill. The more I learn the more I realise how fundamental listening – real listening – is to all communication. It takes practice to develop the focus and self-discipline to listen well but you can learn how.

Role-playing

Role-playing is a great way to practice being in someone else’s shoes and seeing things from another perspective. When I facilitate leadership courses, I often get people to practice work conversations from both sides – first playing the other person and then playing themselves – with a partner. It is amazing how transformative this can be.

Body language 

We all have some unconscious awareness of body language but if we want to be more empathetic then we need to have this in the conscious too, so we can pick up on the outward indicators of what is going on emotionally.

Social skills

Building rapport

Building rapport is the starting point of building a relationship. It is the entry point where we try to build trust, establish communications, and create a foundation for further engagement. Building rapport starts with being at ease with ourselves and then carrying that authenticity into our interactions.

Dealing with conflict

We always need to be emotionally aware but no more so than during challenging conversations. Even when dealing with conflict or answering really difficult questions there are approaches that we can practice to help us, such as the sandwich technique, where we start and finish with positives, keeping the hard facts in the centre of the communication.

Communication

We can all be better communicators but for leaders, it is essential that we can communicate effectively, often to large groups of people. Many people hate public speaking but it is possible to overcome their fear and even learn to love public speaking.

We can all be better

So, no matter how emotionally intelligent we might be, there is always an area we can improve in. In the areas listed above which one would you most like to improve on? Reflect on where you need to improve (self-awareness). Set yourself a goal (motivation), get someone to hold you accountable (self-regulation) and then see how you improve at perceiving emotions (empathy) and having more positive interactions with others (social skills).

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for leaders who want coaching towards greater clarity, purpose and success. We are all leaders (whether we know it or not) as we all have influence. So the question is, what are you doing with your influence?

Wherever you are on your leadership journey, I hope that you find resources on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and coaching them to achieve their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!