This YouTube video introduces the theory and :

Happiness and Our Core Principles

How content do you feel at the moment? Are you happy with your work, satisfied with your situation, and positive about your direction in life?

In this video, I explain the secret that helped me feel happy, even in the most unlikely places. It is all about personal values. Learning this truth has helped inform my decisions and steer my life into places where I could flourish. I hope this story with help explain why personal values are so important and, perhaps inspire you to think about yours, and whether you are in alignment with them right now.

If you want to read the full story, you can check out the related post here:

https://therightquestions.co/how-i-discovered-my-personal-values-deep-in-the-jungle/

For more information, follow the link to the full article:

This YouTube video explains the idea of personal values using a real-life example and story:

The Importance of Personal Values or Principles

The word ‘value’ denotes a degree of worth. For example, in monetary terms, we set a value on something by how much we are willing to pay for a product or service.

In moral terms, a value is a concept to which we give a high level of importance. Values are the moral code that guides us, and the priorities that motivate us. They are the principles we uphold, the ethics and tenets that we believe in and ascribe to. These ideals are our rules of conduct and standards of behaviour.

If you do not know what your most important values are, then it is very likely that you are living your life – whether you know it or not – according to other people’s principles or priorities. If you are not careful, this can quickly lead to dissatisfaction. 

My expedition to the jungle helped me find out mine and you can read more by following the link to the full article:

How I Discovered My Personal Values Deep in the Jungle

Fear lurking in the dark

It was dark. I was lying in my hammock and couldn’t see a thing beyond my mosquito net, but I could hear something rustling in the bushes nearby, which I hoped was small and non-lethal, even if not overtly friendly. It was hard to be sure amid the more distant but louder roars of howler monkeys, carried through the dense jungle canopy. 

The air was pungent with the smell of wet earth and dripping leaves, recently soaked by a rainforest downpour. All that water reminded me that I needed to go to the toilet. This was a bit of a challenge, as the hole in the ground that was our ‘restroom’ was some distance away, yet I knew that within an arm’s length of where I was, there would likely be a poisonous snake, spider or scorpion lurking in the shadows. To access the toilet, I would have to navigate a narrow forest path, where, when you shone a torch at night, you could see the reflection of a thousand tiny eyes looking back at you on either side. It was disconcerting to say the least.

What was worse was that I knew that if anything bad did happen to me, it would be a real problem, as I was about a day’s travel from the nearest civilisation.

So, guess how I felt?

Well, actually, I felt more content than I could ever remember!

Surprised by happiness

Surprising right? I too was slightly shocked by that deep feeling of happiness in that moment (despite needing to go to the loo). I had never felt anything quite like it before (the contentment, I mean, not the growing urgency to pee!)

In that moment I was thinking that if someone said I could do the same thing every day for the rest of my life, I would sign up right there and then, but I could not quite explain why.

How about you? Have you ever felt that level of amazing contentment? 

Well, today I am going to explain the secret that I discovered, which explained why I felt so good in that moment. It turns out it was all about personal values. Learning this truth has helped inform my decisions from that point and steer my life into other places where I could flourish and be happy.

But let me explain what I mean by personal values.

What are personal values?

The word ‘value’ denotes a degree of worth. For example, in monetary terms, we set a value on something by how much we are willing to pay for a product or service.

In moral terms, a value is a concept to which we give a high level of importance. Values are the moral code that guides us, and the priorities that motivate us. They are the principles we uphold, the ethics and tenets that we believe in and ascribe to. These ideals are our rules of conduct and standards of behaviour.

If you do not know what your most important values are, then it is very likely that you are living your life – whether you know it or not – according to other people’s principles or priorities. If you are not careful, this can quickly lead to dissatisfaction. 

What is the difference between personal and corporate values?

There are values we hold personally, as an individual, and those we share corporately, be that with friends or family, a team or organisation, a community or society. They are often similar but expressed in subtly different ways. 

For example, a common personal value might be expressed as kindness, but a team might talk about respect. A person may value honesty, whereas an organisation might express that as transparency.

Also, each word we use for a principle, such as integrity, excellence or creativity, might mean something slightly different to a given individual or context, so it is important to define exactly what we mean by a value, and most importantly, what the related behaviours are linked to that word.

How do values affect our decisions?

Positive values, or virtues, are inherently good, so we might agree that a whole list of such ideals are things we agree with, but when pushed, we will hold some principles higher than others. 

This is important to understand as it is linked to how we make many decisions.

For example, when you go shopping, what you choose can reflect certain principles. You might pick an item because that is all you can afford, but usually, there is some level of choice. For instance, you might pick something because you are loyal to that brand. You might choose something expensive because you prioritise quality above price, or want something ethically sourced because you value sustainability or fairness for the producers.

Therefore, as you can see, values impact our everyday choices, no matter how big or small. The jobs we choose, the friends we make, and the ways we use our time all reflect our values. 

What is the right number of values?

There is no exact number for how many personal values are too few or too many; too few, and it is unlikely to be truly reflective of your character, too many, and it becomes hard to discern the real priorities. So, a good rule of thumb is to identify three to five top virtues. 

For me, my top three personal values are:

1. Adventure
2. Service and
3. Leadership.

So, let’s get back to the story to explain how, deep in the rainforest, I worked out what these were and what they mean to me.

Adventure: embracing challenge

I was in the jungle, and I was happy. Therefore, you might not be surprised that one of my personal values is adventure. And this principle was the easiest for me to work out, as I had long had a passion for adventure.

I grew up reading, watching and dreaming of adventure. At that time, my favourite movie character was Indiana Jones. I watched those films more times than I can count, and I loved the stories so much that I owned a Dr Jones wide-brimmed hat and satchel that I took when exploring. My friend and I even learned how to use a bullwhip, just to be more like Indy!

Indiana Jones also intersected with my love of studying the past, and while at university, I took courses in ancient history and archaeology. One day, my flatmate showed me some information about an expedition to map archaeological remains in the jungles of Central America. She had been invited but could not go, so she offered to introduce me to the expedition organisers.

I wasted no time in contacting them. For me, this was literally a dream come true. I had the opportunity to be a real-life Indiana Jones!

Suffice to say, I passed the selection criteria and was invited to join the trip. That is how, some months later, I found myself in my hammock (and yes, I did have my Indy hat with me!)

So, the principle of adventure is not surprising, but what about my other values?

Service: helping others

My next value is service. And although not as obvious as adventure, when I now look back at my old school reports, I can see comments from various teachers that highlighted that I obviously liked assisting people – be that classmates, staff or visitors. 

This virtue also reflected the example set by my parents, who were both committed to serving their family and community. I had obviously caught some of their passion for supporting others.

In time, this grew into a larger desire, one to serve my country, which I realised through serving as an officer in the military (I became a bomb-disposal officer), something I had already committed to when I went to college. 

When in the jungle, my commitment to service was often expressed in little ways. I would get up before anyone else to start the fire for breakfast. I had spent a lot of time outdoors, camping and hiking, so I shared that experience with people who were less comfortable living in the woods. Every day we had to walk for hours in the heat, and it was natural for me to check up on people, making sure they were ok and seeing what I could do to help anyone who might be struggling. 

It wasn’t really anything I had to consciously think about; these were mostly natural behaviours and ways of being. It was only when I stopped to reflect on the patterns that I realised that these actions stemmed from the value that I call service.

Leadership: positive influence

So, I was happy being on an adventure and serving my colleagues on the expedition. Then, the overall leader surprised me. He asked me to help lead. There were two official leaders, but the overall group needed to be split into three teams, so he asked me to lead the third team.

I hadn’t thought about it until then, but my experience of adventure and love of the environment gave me confidence. My desire to help and serve people had built trust. Now, the expedition leader was pointing out something that was already happening: I was being looked at as a leader.

This was a surprise as I have never thought of myself as a natural leader. I am more introverted than extroverted, self-conscious and easily embarrassed. I was skinny, gawky and gangly in my early teenage years, with spots and braces to boot. None of this, funnily enough, helped my self-confidence!

What is leadership?

Thus, I was often quiet in a group context and did not generally push for attention or power. But, it turned out that the idea of me not being a leader was based on some false assumptions of what a leader is or isn’t. The biggest thing that helped me change how I thought about this is the definition given by leadership guru John C. Maxwell. He said that:

“Leadership is influence; nothing more and nothing less.”

In other words, leadership is not just an official role or natural charisma. There are leadership positions, but we are all leaders, as we all display leadership every time we influence a person or situation, even if we are just influencing and leading ourselves.

In the jungle, I discovered that in that adventurous context, where it was easy for me to serve people, I realised what leadership truly is, and why it is important. I embraced it, I loved the challenge and satisfaction it brought, and I have ever since. 

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How to find and embrace your values

So, there we have it. That is why my top personal values are adventure, service and leadership. Those principles continue to guide me today, informing my decisions and helping me find contentment in what I do. 

I have not always made the right choices, and there have been times when I have been unhappy since, but understanding my values has helped me better recorrect my course in those situations, as you can read about in:

Analysing Values and How to Re-Find Happiness

And, you are probably glad to hear, that you don’t need to go to the depths of the jungle to find out your principles! There are some simple things you can do to reveal them. If you would like to find these out, check out my post on:

How to Discover Your Top 3 Personal Values

Your personal values are important as they are the things that guide you in life, particularly when you make choices. This YouTube video gives an introduction to how you can work out your top 3 values:

This video looks at 4Ps that can help understand and identify your personal values. These are:

1. Personal stories
2. Priorities
3. Passions
4. Principles

You can find out more information in the related post by clicking on this link to read How to Discover Your Top 3 Personal Values.

Our core values and principles act as a moral compass, helping to inform our thinking, guide our decisions and drive our actions.

What is the definition of a core value or principle?

According to the Oxford Dictionary, a core value is:

“A principle or belief that a person or organization views as being of central importance.”

Whether we can articulate them or not, we all have such beliefs that shape our thoughts, decisions and actions.

Core values remain true. As Jim Collins and Jerry Porras stated in their book Built To Last (1994), core values are inherent and sacrosanct; they can never be compromised, either for convenience or short-term economic gain.

If we do compromise our principles, it is likely to lead to pain in the long run. Conversely, we are more likely to he happy and fulfilled if we know and follow our core values. As Stephen Covey notes:

“Peace of mind comes when your life is in harmony with true principles and values and in no other way.” – Stephen R Covey

One of the most important aspects of core principles is that they help us make decisions. This is why we often compare values and principles to fixed navigation aids such as the North Star or magnetic north, as displayed on a compass. We use our values to guide our way, especially when we are finding it hard to see an obvious route forward.

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” – Roy Disney

The Moral Compass Tool

Have you ever been lost, not knowing which way to go?

There have been many times in the mountains when I have suddenly found myself in fog, hardly able to see. It is very easy to make a mistake in these moments and wander off in the wrong direction. The cloud can be disorientating. Sometimes you can be sure you are heading the right way until you establish your true heading.

At times like these you must rely on your compass rather than what you can see or even what you feel is the right way to go. The compass, used properly, can help guide the way. And it is the same for our moral compass. When we have to make challenging decisions, where the way ahead may not be obvious, we have to rely on that inner compass.

Therefore, when it comes to The Right Questions toolkit, our core values are represented by the compass. This is a fitting metaphor as many people talk about their moral compass. This is effectively the set of principles that aid us in making choices, be those ethical or everyday decisions.

“I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values – and follow my own moral compass – then the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.” – Michelle Obama

As with a real compass, to be able to use our moral compass effectively, we need to understand the forces that pull on the compass needle. In this case, we need to identify the core values – the hidden forces – that push us in certain directions.

As discussed previously, examining our passions, priorities and personal stories can all give us insights into our core principles. But sometimes finding a word to describe these tenets is a challenge, and that is why a couple of other exercises can help identify and name our values.

 The common work and life principles list exercise

A good exercise to identify your core principles is to use a list of example values. Once you have the list of values you can:

1. Score each word in terms of how important you think that principle is to you.
2. Then score each word in terms of how closely your behaviours and actions match that principle (1 hardly at all through to 10 being always).
3. Add the importance and action scores together for each value.
4. Identify the highest-scoring (most important) core values.
5. If you have more than 3-5 principles scoring equally highly, score them again. This time using fractions, or putting them into priority order.
6. Once you have identified your top 3-5 values, write out a personal definition of why the word is important. Also, describe the actions that reflect that principle.

Here is an example table and a list of common values and principles for reference. You can use the template either by copying it into a spreadsheet or printing it out:

	Value	Importance  (1-10)	Action (1-10)	Combined Score
1	Accountability
2	Accuracy
3	Achievement
4	Adventure
5	Altruism
6	Appearance
7	Ambition
8	Autonomy
9	Assertiveness
10	Balance
11	Beauty
12	Being the best
13	Belonging
14	Boldness
15	Calmness
16	Carefulness
17	Challenge
18	Cheerfulness
19	Clarity
20	Commitment
21	Community
22	Communication
23	Compassion
24	Competitiveness
25	Connectivity
26	Consistency
27	Contentment
28	Continuous Improvement
29	Contribution
30	Control
31	Cooperation
32	Correctness
33	Courtesy
34	Creativity
35	Curiosity
36	Decisiveness
37	Democraticness
38	Dependability
39	Determination
40	Devoutness
41	Diligence
42	Discipline
43	Discretion
44	Diversity
45	Dynamism
46	Economy
47	Effectiveness
48	Efficiency
49	Elegance
50	Empathy
51	Enjoyment
52	Enthusiasm
53	Environment
54	Equality
55	Excellence
56	Excitement
57	Expertise
58	Exploration
59	Expressiveness
60	Fairness
61	Faith
62	Family
63	Flexibility
64	Fidelity
65	Fitness
66	Fluency
67	Focus
68	Freedom
69	Friendship
70	Fulfilment
71	Fun
72	Generosity
73	Goodness
74	Grace
75	Growth
76	Happiness
77	Hard Work
78	Health
79	Helping Society
80	Holiness
81	Honesty
82	Honor
83	Humour
84	Humility
85	Independence
86	Ingenuity
87	Inner Harmony
88	Inquisitiveness
89	Insightfulness
90	Integrity
91	Intelligence
92	Intimacy
93	Intuition
94	Joy
95	Justice
96	Leadership
97	Legacy
98	Love
99	Loyalty
100	Making a difference
101	Mastery
102	Merit
103	Nature
104	Obedience
105	Openness
106	Order
107	Originality
108	Partnership
109	Patriotism
110	Perfection
111	Personal growth
112	Piety
113	Positivity
114	Power
115	Practicality
116	Privacy
117	Preparedness
118	Professionalism
119	Prudence
120	Quality-orientation
121	Recognition
122	Reliability
123	Resourcefulness
124	Respect
125	Restraint
126	Results-oriented
127	Rigor
128	Romance
129	Security
130	Self-actualization
131	Self-control
132	Self-expression
133	Selflessness
134	Self-reliance
135	Sensitivity
136	Serenity
137	Service
138	Shrewdness
139	Simplicity
140	Soundness
141	Speed
142	Spirituality
143	Spontaneity
144	Stability
145	Status
146	Strategic
147	Strength
148	Structure
149	Success
150	Support
151	Teamwork
152	Temperance
153	Thankfulness
154	Thoroughness
155	Thoughtfulness
156	Timeliness
157	Tolerance
158	Traditionalism
159	Trustworthiness
160	Truth
161	Understanding
162	Uniqueness
163	Unity
164	Usefulness
165	Vision
166	Vitality
167	Vulnerability

“Principles are fundamental truths that serve as the foundations for behaviour that gets you what you want out of life. They can be applied again and again in similar situations to help you achieve your goals.” – Ray Dalio

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The values cards exercise

Another great way to work out your core values is to use a deck of cards which have example words printed on each card, one principle per card. You can either purchase these decks or create your own. For example, you could write out or print the list of principles given above to do this exercise. Once you have a values card deck you can follow the steps below to get to your top three core values.

“If you have more than three priorities, you have no priorities” – Brené Brown

Values card deck instructions:

1. If there are any blank cards separate these out first.
2. Think of some values or principles that you think are important to you. You can write these (one word per card) on the blank cards.
3. Now sort the pack of cards into three columns of roughly equal size. One column has the most important values to you personally. Another has those of middling importance, and the third contains the principles that are of lesser importance to you.
4. When trying to choose between values with similar meanings, pick the word that resonates the most with you.
5. Take away the columns of cards containing the values of middling and lesser importance.
6. With the remaining cards, now separate them again into three columns. Again, reflecting what you believe are your highest, middling, and lowest-importance principles.
7. Keep the most important cards, once again stacking the others to one side
8. With this final selection now put them into priority order, aiming to select your top three personal values.
9. Now, for these top three values, write your own definition of what they mean to you. Describe the sorts of behaviours that are reflected in this principle.

Using and refining your core values

Once you have identified your top 3 core values it is worth spending some time analysing how you use them. Here are some simple ways to do this:

• When you have to make a choice in the coming days, think about how those values impact the decision.
• Set some time in the diary, a week or month from now so you can reflect upon your chosen values. Ask yourself, do they still feel right? How have your actions over that period reflected your values?
• In another 3-6 months go through the list of principles or values card exercise again and compare your results. Did you come up with the same three core values?

It is worth doing this as it is quite hard to identify your top three values in your first go. Also, our present circumstances influence our priorities at any given moment. Therefore, it is important to examine our values over time. This ensures we have identified the right ones and can properly express what they mean to us.

Most importantly, this reflection allows us to highlight the behaviours that embody those values that are most important to us. We can then make sure that our core values become verbs that drive action, not just nouns that remain conceptual.

When you have properly identified your core values you can see how they impact your everyday life. Don’t just react to circumstances, use your inner compass to direct your behaviours, your decisions and your life direction. As Stephen Covey encourages us:

“Live your life by a compass, not a clock.” – Stephen R. Covey

The importance of values, principles, virtues and tenets

The ‘why’ represents our values.  Our values are part of our identity; they are the things we love, the ideals we prioritise.  They are central things that define why we have a certain vision, why we do the things we do, why we attract or are attracted to certain people. I often think values as being summed up by 3 Ps; our:

• Principles
• Passions and
• Priorities

Values shape our beliefs, our worldview and the paradigm that we operate from. These are often things we hold in common with others at one level, but the particular combination and application of the values make them unique to us as an individual or specific organisation.

“I’d asked around 10 or 15 people for suggestions. Finally one lady friend asked the right question, ‘Well, what do you love most?’ That’s how I started painting for money.” 

Andy Warhol

Should we ask the question ‘why?’

People often avoid asking ‘why’ questions because they can elicit an emotional response. They can make people defensive, or make the questioner appear judgemental. But if we fail to ask ‘why’ questions of ourselves we can really miss a trick.  If, or rather when, things get tough people do start to ask ‘why’ questions. We need to make sure we have some answers before then, particularly if you are a leader.  Let’s face it; things will inevitably get difficult at some point on our journey.  In challenging times we need to understand the deep things that motivate us towards a vision or mission.  It is much better to get those ideals clear ahead of time rather than having to discover them in a time of crisis.

When it comes to why questions we can learn from young children, as they are very good at asking the question ‘why?’  They will often keep asking why until they get a satisfactory answer; children are hard to fool! You can tell when children are following this line of questioning as there are usually accompanied by a red-faced adult who is becoming increasingly irate! The parent’s frustration grows as they start to run out of responses and realise that perhaps they do not actually know the answer themselves.  As adults, it seems we are much better at fooling ourselves and settling for a more superficial answer to a why question.

Simon Sinek identified the importance of asking why in his book Start with why. He argues that people who know their ‘why’ are the ones who lead and inspire others. Therefore we need to ask why, but we can also choose to construct our why questions in such a way that is less confrontational. For example, asking someone ‘what motivates you?’ is often better than ‘why are you doing that?’

“People don’t buy what you do; they buy why you do it. And what you do simply proves what you believe”

Simon Sinek

The 5 Whys

Asking why several times over and applying the why to each subsequent answer can help us dig down to the motivational root of an issue.

I was out running one day and spotted someone fishing by a riverbank. Apart from eating the fish, I had never really understood the allure of fishing, so I asked them why they enjoyed it.  Their first answer was because they enjoyed being outdoors.  Instead of asking directly ‘why’ again, I said: “that’s interesting, I love being outdoors too, what particularly do you like about it?” They answered that it was the only time they really slowed down and felt at peace.  When I questioned further they said that the most important thing was getting the time to reflect.  I then left them to enjoy their peace and reflection but by asking ‘why’ several times over I had gained a deeper understanding into the motivations of that person and learned that fishing was not just about catching fish!

The art of asking why in this way was used by great effect by Sakichi Toyoda who developed the ‘5 whys’ approach to problem-solving within the Toyota Motor Corporation and helped to revolutionise their manufacturing and make Toyota production far more efficient. Every system and action was analysed by asking why over and over until the primary reason was revealed and the process could be refined.

Reflection question:

• Which work processes could you do this for? Choose a process that you follow and ask why you do it. Keep asking why until you get the real reason for the existence of the process. Once you know the answer, consider, how could this be done better?

Revealing our values

So we need to look at why we do things and ask ‘why’ of ourselves many times over.  Then, as we delve into our answers we begin to see our principles and values revealed.

As we go through this process we will soon see that there are actually many things that we value or that we would agree are good principles.  The key here is working out what are the things that you value the most.  For example, you could say that you value making new friends as well as maintaining long-standing relationships. But, if in looking at both these activities you see that you spend a lot more time on one than the other, then arguably that is the one you value the most.  Equally, you could say that you value two worthy charities. But again, the one you give the most money to would probably give a good indication of where your priorities lie.

These are simple examples but the principle applies even to more abstract concepts.  Loyalty and integrity are both excellent things to value. It might require some careful thought working out which one you prioritise most, but it can be done. There are further exercises in the posts and links below to help you.

Identifying core values

You will probably start with quite a long list but it is a worthwhile exercise to drill down to a list of 4-6 core values for yourself or your organisation. Any more than that and it becomes harder to see how your values differentiate you from other people.  If you are an organisation trying to discover, agree and instil values into your workforce it is also hard for people to remember many more than this!

Then, of this shortlist, identify your top two. Brené Brown (author of Dare to Lead) has done a lot of research that backs up the importance of knowing your top values and priorities.

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Refining the expression of your core values

As you hone down to your core values it can also be useful to use adjectives to really help capture the particular nature of a value.  So, for example, you might value of community, but what sort of community?  Is it close community, global community, fun community, caring community, inclusive community, or diverse community you are thinking about?  Adding the right adjective moves you closer to your unique perspective and combination of values.

There are further exercises and advice on how to identify and refine your values in the post What are your personal values?

The importance of principles and values

The process of exploring your values is one worth spending time on. Values are at least as essential as the discovery of our vision and mission. Don’t worry about getting them perfectly captured, especially on a first try. Even our values evolve over time so think of this as a cyclical process, as with other decision making approaches. Do some thinking, record or communicate your thoughts, and then return to reflect on them again regularly in the future.

Once we have identified our values we may not always need to refer to them all the time but they are always there steering us, even if it is just at a subconscious level.

When I was in the Alps for the first time I had a particular dream in mind: a dream of standing on the summit of Mont Blanc.  Success was therefore easy to define; my aim was to get to the top of Mont Blanc and back safely.  Most of the time the vision was there to see, as Mont Blanc loomed large above me. The mission was also clear when I looked at the route on the map.  But, as I climbed higher up and the cloud started to roll in, I could no longer see the mountain clearly.  I could see the route on the map but I could not relate it to the ground.  It was at this point that I had to rely on my compass and altimeter to keep me on the right track.

Values are like a compass; they help us keep on track even when the route to achieving our dream is unclear or the mission is challenged.  Values are therefore invaluable.

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.“

Friedrich Nietzsche

Reflection question:

• Once you have identified them, what can you do to keep your values in mind?

One thing I do is to have my personal values and vision at the top of my to-do list. My list of tasks is organised by role and having my values at the top helps me to weigh my priorities correctly.

If you want to read more about values then check out why things we value define our personal identity.

Values are central; they go to the very core of us, to our personal identity.  Our principles are perhaps the most important things as, whether or not we live out our dream or achieve our mission, they are most likely to remain intact. Values are a foundation and a plumb line as well as a moral compass.

“We are not in control, principles control. We control our actions, but the consequences that flow from these actions are controlled by Principles.”  Stephen R. Covey

Our decisions and actions flow from our principles and in this way our values help to define us; they are part of our identity.  Our exploration and discovery of our principles is therefore a discovery of self.  As one anonymous observer noted: “Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.  Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.”

So what do we know about our own identity?  What do we value in ourselves and others?

Think about the first two questions you are generally asked when you meet someone.  If you are from the UK, the US or a large part of the world it is likely to be “what is your name?” (usually meaning your first name) quickly followed by “what do you do?”

What are people really asking when they enquire about what you do?  They are asking about your job, profession or vocation for sure.  But the fact that this comes out so quickly when we meet people indicates how highly we rate work in our culture and how closely we identify ourselves with what we do.  When people ask what you do they are actually asking who you are.  They are hoping for an answer that will help them quickly categorise you.

What do you do?

I went along with this for many years because, for a long time, it was easy.  I started out as an Army Officer working as a bomb disposal expert.  This was an easy title, and one I enjoyed using, as it sounded impressive.  I enjoyed seeing the raised eyebrows and the endearing look of respect (that I so little deserved in reality).  Next, I was a Project Manager, working in the construction industry.  Again an easy label, although I must admit it sounded less impressive at parties than something with ‘Bomb’ in the title.  But hey, I was married by then so who was I trying to impress anyway?  Well everyone actually!

The real challenge came with my next job, working for a rapidly growing church.  My job description was constantly evolving and therefore it was hard to describe exactly what I did, especially as I was not actually a church minister.  I found that introducing myself generally required a long explanation.  The process of outlining what I did was just long enough to watch people’s eyes glaze over, stare down their drinks or look furtively towards the exit.

When I moved on again and started working as a management consultant it was not really any easier, as the title ‘consultant’ invokes so many different things.   You may be motivated by helping individuals and equipping organisations, but one has a lot of justification to do when people look at you with an expression that seems to imply ‘consultant’ is synonymous with ‘parasite’!

Training dolphins to be government assassins

And then, at one networking event, I had a moment of clarity.  I started introducing myself in this way: “Hi, I’m Simon, I train dolphins to be government assassins.”  Once again I had attained the level of eyebrow movement that I have attained as a bomb disposal officer (but I guess more out of surprise than respect).  Life was easy once again (for a moment at least) but it did make me think. Why do people, including me, care so much about titles?  Why would I be prepared to embellish or even make up something about what I do? What does it say about me? The answers to these questions are pretty challenging.

Are we just what we do?

If asked about your identity, like me, you may not initially answer beyond your name and job but of course, there is much more to us than that.  One way we can discover something more about our identity is by what we think when we look at other people.  As we walk down a street, enter a room or sit staring out of a café window we are constantly assessing those around us.  We compare looks, wealth, car, house, job, children, happiness, clothes, phone.  In conversation, this process continues through things like accent, vocabulary, demeanour, politics, religion, aspirations and education.

Of course, much of what we first think is not real; we try to make a value judgement in a fleeting moment, judging the book by its cover.  Not surprisingly this process actually tells us more about us than about the other person, because how we classify others speaks volumes about how we perceive ourselves.  If we are putting someone else in a certain box or on a certain level what does that say about our position?  I for one did not think I had a pride problem until I thought about this!

Even this internal classification can be somewhat misleading.  We all have roles that we play and we often wear masks that represent an aspirational self, the person we want to show to the world, rather than the real us.  But even if this ideal self is not the true self we can learn more of ourselves. This is because even if we are aspiring to be something or someone else it once again reveals what we value.

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What is your worldview? What are your beliefs?

Work, position, pension, benefits package and job title can be important to us.  Our perception of our perfect partner, spouse and family can be the more presentable faces of simple base motivators.  Money, sex and power have always been identified as strong drivers, even if they are hidden under more subtle layers of respectability.  Our identity can also be wrapped up in more ethereal things.  Our worldview, philosophy, faith or politics can define us because they affect the way we live.

None of these things needs to be necessarily good or bad in themselves, but for everything we prioritise we need to ask why we care about it so that we can understand it further and get under the skin of our thinking.  We need to be aware of the things around which we construct our lives.  We need to be certain of the foundation we are building upon.

Worth-ship

If we value something very highly we give it worth above other things or even ultimate worth. We build our lives around it. This prioritising, giving position, reverence or regard was called ‘worschipe’ in Middle English.  Today its name is ‘worship’.  In other words, even if you do not consider yourself religious we all give something religious value.

Here is some insight from the influential writer David Foster Wallace on the subject:

“Because here’s something else that’s weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship.

And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship — be it JC or Allah, bet it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles — is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive.”

The Importance of knowing where your priorities and values lie

David Foster Wallace then goes on to illustrate the dangers we face:

“If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It’s been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth upfront in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they’re evil or sinful, it’s that they’re unconscious. They are default settings.

They’re the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that’s what you’re doing.”

We may not believe in God but we all choose to give something ultimate worth and choose to build our lives around it. It is important that we know what that thing is and ask ourselves why we value it so highly.

Digging down to our principles

Self-exploration can be a scary journey but it is an essential one.  We need to know about our principles because what happens when these things are challenged or even taken away? What are we left with?  Are our values vulnerable?  If they come under attack could everything else come tumbling down?  We face long-term insecurity if our values are unreliable or temporal things, even if they are good things such as people or helpful things such as possessions.

So what are your values? How do they affect your identity? I would encourage you to take some time out to reflect seriously on these questions.

You can explore these questions and discover more about your own values by reading: What are your personal values?

“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.”  St. Augustine

What next?

You may want also want some help, delving deeper into your values and identifying your goals. I have the pleasure of seeing amazing, positive, transformations in the individuals and organisations I work with. If you would like some assistance too, in person or online, then please do drop me a line. You can email me via the contact page.

Values are the principles and beliefs by which we live our lives and make our decisions. If you want to effectively lead yourself and lead others then you need to be aware of what those personal values are.

Our values are also linked to how we feel. Think for a moment: are you feeling unhappy, distressed or dissatisfied about something?

If you are, then there is a good chance that your reality is not living up to your expectations. Economists and researchers Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells worked out the fundamental equation of happiness was: Happiness = Reality – Expectations.

“Happiness equals reality minus expectations”

Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells

For example, it might be that you are unhappy about your:

• Career
• Relationships
• Habits
• Finances
• Work-life balance
• Health and fitness
• Life purpose and direction

The actual reason why you are unhappy

The usual reaction at this stage is to set a goal and achieve something that we think will make us feel happy. But, this often does not solve the underlying issue as unhappiness, and our expectations about being content, are actually rooted in our values. Our dissatisfaction is often caused by a misalignment between your core values and what is happening in your life and work at the moment.

Therefore, even if you did set and achieve a goal without understanding this, you may well find you end up unhappy again. If you do not make a decision in the context of your key principles then it is likely you will make the wrong decision or not really solve the deeper cause of your unhappiness.

By understanding your values you are in a good place to make a change for the better. That is the reason for starting with asking the question ‘why?’ Why do we want something? Why do we feel that way? Why do we want to change? These are the questions that will help us understand our motivations and pick the right goals.

Understanding your own values or principles is therefore vital in order to be effective and happy. And that is not just me saying that. Ray Dalio shares his precepts in his book ‘Principles and urges others to discover theirs. Brene Brown evidences the importance of values in Dare to Lead and Steven R Covey argues for a model of leadership based on being Principle-Centred.

What are values or principles in life?

Value denotes a degree of importance. In monetary terms, we set a value on something by how much we are willing to pay for a product or service.

In moral terms, a value is an ideal that we give a high degree of importance. Values are the moral code that guides us, and the priorities that motivate us. They are the principles we uphold, the ethics and tenets that we believe in and ascribe to. These ideas are our rules of conduct and standards of behaviour.

If you do not know what your values are then it is very likely that you are living your life – whether you know it or not – according to other people’s principles or priorities.

“Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance.”

Brian Tracy

How do we express our principles?

There are values we hold personally and those we share corporately, be that with a team, community or organisation. They are often similar but expressed in subtly different ways. For example, common personal values might be expressed as kindness but a team might talk about respect for others. A person may value honesty whereas an organisation might express that as transparency.

David Brooks has formulated another way of looking at values, and that is resume values versus eulogy values. The differences are explored in his book The Road to Character and outlined in his TED Talk, “Should you live for your resume or your eulogy?”

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How do you assess your personal core values?

You can do an assessment of your values by examining different aspects of your life and looking for trends.  You may have a feel for the values you most relate to, but thinking about values through these different lenses will help you see which principles you really do embody or aspire towards.

In my experience, it is good to start with examining our:

• Personal Stories
• Priorities
• Passions and
• Principles

Personal Stories 

The amount of our character that is fixed at birth or developed by external influence has been a hotly contested subject for many years. We will not go into the ‘nature versus nurture’ arguments here, but it is relatively safe to say that our character is formed from a mixture of both innate qualities and our experiences.

There are various personality tests that you can do but one of the most instructive ways you can examine your character is by looking at the stories of your life.

Try to think about:

• When have you been most happy?
• Which achievement or experience are you most proud of?
• What has been your biggest success?
• What has been your biggest failure?
• When have you been most afraid and what do you fear most?
• Which thing in your past are you most ashamed of?

When reflecting on a personal story you can analyse it in this way:

• What was the situation?
• Which role did you have to play and what did you do?
• What was the result and what did you learn?

Certain themes and principles should emerge as you do this analysis.

Priorities

One simple and effective way to examine our priorities is to see where we use our resources. We invest our time and money in what we value.

Money

Where does your cash go? Money provides a very tangible expression of what we prioritise. Have a look at your bank account and credit card bills. Even how much you spend on essentials and where you shop can be telling. Food, clothing, and shelter are essential but buying luxury options are not. What do you choose to spend more or less on?

Do some analysis and ask:

• How do you budget or divide up what you spend?
• How much do you spend on different things? (E.g. debts, savings, utilities, rent/mortgage, holidays/travel, clothes, leisure activities etc.)

Time

Time is a truly finite resource. How you spend your time will give you a good indication of what you really value. Take a look at your diary or think back and answer the following:

• What amount of time goes to various activities each day and each week? (Working, sleeping, eating, leisure activities etc.)
• Within your work time, how does it break down? (Emails, speaking to people/phone calls, meetings, writing, planning, business development, people development, etc.)
• Which roles do you play in life and how do you prioritise them? (Employee, leader, spouse, parent, friend, child, creator, team member, other?)
• What habits or routines do you have?

Passions

Our passions are the things that drive us emotionally. Our passions either draw us towards or away from something or someone. Often we don’t analyse these thoughts and they can go unnoticed but if you reflect on your thoughts and dreams, beliefs and influences then you will gain a deeper understanding of your passions.

Thoughts and Dreams

What we spend our time thinking, dreaming or worrying about can also tell us a lot. Think about:

• What are you hoping to achieve in life?
• When you daydream what is it about?
• If time and money were not limited what would you do?
• Imagine that you have one wish that would immediately be fulfilled, what would it be?
• What are you anxious or stressed about right now?

Beliefs

What are your theological, metaphysical, philosophical and political beliefs? Ask yourself:

• What are the values of the politicians or political parties you vote for?
• Where do you put your trust for the future?
• When something goes wrong, what or who do you turn to for answers and support?
• What makes you joyful?
• What makes you angry?

Influences

There are many external influences on our lives and predominantly these are people we know or respect. Think about the following:

• Who do you follow?
• Who do you want to be like?
• Which are your favourite biographies?
• What are the books and stories you like most?
• Which films do you like most and why?
• What are the principles of your family and friends?

Principles

Having thought through your personal stories, how you spend your time and money, your dreams, your beliefs and your influences, you should be a much better place to assess what your values really are.

What trends do you see appearing and which words help to sum those up?

“Principles are fundamental truths that serve as the foundations for behavior that gets you what you want out of life. They can be applied again and again in similar situations to help you achieve your goals.”

Ray Dalio

What are examples of values or principles?

The list of words that we could use to express our values is almost endless but sometimes we can struggle to come up with the right one.

Here is a list of more than 150 more common values that will help to prompt you:

Accountability	Discipline	Humour	Respect
Accuracy	Discretion	Humility	Restraint
Achievement	Diversity	Independence	Results-oriented
Adventure	Dynamism	Ingenuity	Rigour
Altruism	Economy	Inner Harmony	Romance
Appearance	Effectiveness	Inquisitiveness	Security
Ambition	Efficiency	Insightfulness	Self-actualization
Autonomy	Elegance	Integrity	Self-control
Assertiveness	Empathy	Intelligence	Self-expression
Balance	Enjoyment	Intimacy	Selflessness
Beauty	Enthusiasm	Intuition	Self-reliance
Being the best	Environment	Joy	Sensitivity
Belonging	Equality	Justice	Serenity
Boldness	Excellence	Leadership	Service
Calmness	Excitement	Legacy	Shrewdness
Carefulness	Expertise	Love	Simplicity
Challenge	Exploration	Loyalty	Soundness
Cheerfulness	Expressiveness	Making a difference	Speed
Clarity	Fairness	Mastery	Spirituality
Commitment	Faith	Merit	Spontaneity
Community	Family	Nature	Stability
Communication	Flexibility	Obedience	Status
Compassion	Fidelity	Openness	Strategic
Competitiveness	Fitness	Order	Strength
Connectivity	Fluency	Originality	Structure
Consistency	Focus	Partnership	Success
Contentment	Freedom	Patriotism	Support
Continuous Improvement	Friendship	Perfection	Teamwork
Contribution	Fulfilment	Personal growth	Thankfulness
Control	Fun	Piety	Thoroughness
Cooperation	Generosity	Positivity	Thoughtfulness
Correctness	Goodness	Power	Timeliness
Courtesy	Grace	Practicality	Tolerance
Creativity	Growth	Privacy	Tradition
Curiosity	Happiness	Preparedness	Trustworthiness
Decisiveness	Hard Work	Professionalism	Truth
Democraticness	Health	Prudence	Understanding
Dependability	Helping Society	Quality-orientation	Uniqueness
Determination	Holiness	Recognition	Unity
Devoutness	Honesty	Reliability	Usefulness
Diligence	Honour	Resourcefulness	Vitality

What are your top 3 personal values?

Pick the 3 most important principles, those with the highest score and correlation after looking at the various aspects above.

Why 3? Because:

“If you have more than three priorities, you have no priorities”

Brené Brown, Dare to Lead

Three is a powerful number for various reasons (to find our more read The Rule of 3).

One of the best ways to identify your values is to follow this easy process:

1. print off a list (such as the one above) and then cut them up so you have one single value per piece of paper or card.
2. Now sort those values into three equal piles (most important, less important, least important)
3. Take the ‘most important’ pile and discard the rest.
4. Go through steps 2 and 3 until you are left with just 3 values.

How do you define or refine those principles?

For each of the 3 words that you have chosen, write your own definition. Think:

• What does the word mean to you?
• Which actions or behaviours display your defined value?
• What other word or words would you add to the initial one to make it embody the value most clearly?

The idea here is to define how you actually live out your value. Simon Sinek puts it in this way:

“For values or guiding principles to be truly effective they have to be verbs. It’s not “integrity,” it’s “always do the right thing.” It’s not “innovation,” it’s “look at the problem from a different angle.” Articulating our values as verbs gives us a clear idea – we have a clear idea of how to act in any situation.”

Simon Sinek

Next, put your principles in priority order. This is important as there will be decisions where you have to know the most important factor. To help you try asking these questions:

• If you could satisfy only one of the values which would you choose?
• When a situation causes a conflict between two of your values (for example career and family) what would you do?

Congratulations!

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”
― Roy Disney

Once you know your values you can use them to guide you in making decisions, setting goals and living a more fulfilling life. You are likely to continue to refine your list over time so it is worth reviewing whenever you review your plans.

We have to make an active choice. If we go with the flow then we can be swayed by wrong beliefs and unhelpful thoughts that can create bad habits, wrong values and an unhappy destiny. Or, if we actively work to define our values, we can build useful habits, have positive words and actions and create positive thoughts and liberating beliefs. We all have a personal responsibility for our destiny.

Taking things further

You have made a big step towards understanding your personal values and this will really help you. It does not end there though. In my experience, understanding values is an iterative process; you will refine your principles every time to take time to really examine them.

Your values create a firm platform for your decisions and plans. Question is, now you have the foundations, what will you build?

You may want to start making a plan for what you want to do next and if so you will find my post on making an action plan useful.

You may want also want some help, delving deeper into your values and identifying your goals. I have the pleasure of seeing amazing, positive, transformations in the individuals and organisations I work with. If you would like some assistance too, in person or online, then please do drop me a line. You can email me via the contact page.

And if you would like to hear more about how I discovered my personal values, check out this video:

How values, principles and ideals impact our choices

What is the most important decision you have ever made? It might have been choosing your romantic partner, selecting your school, or deciding upon your career. How did you make that decision? Whatever process you applied – consciously or otherwise – to your choice, that decision was informed by your personal values. This is what values-based decision-making or principle-based decision-making is all about; understanding how our precepts and beliefs inform our judgements.

Why is values-based decision-making important?

We might think that our biggest decisions would be based upon pure logic and critical reasoning, but we would be wrong. Just think for a moment; if your spouse or partner asked you why you wanted to be with them, how would you reply? Would you immediately say,

“Well, I considered the factors, and – following an analytical process – decided that you were the most rational choice of partner, presenting the best statistical chance of a successful union (given the limited alternatives)”?

I doubt that would get a kindly reception.

You are more likely to answer that it is because you love them. But then you must think about the follow-up question of why do you love them? When you explore that question you can see that, knowingly, or otherwise, you have made a values-based decision. The reasons for loving someone are bound up with your principles, beliefs, and passions.

When I first started to think about decision-making, during my time as a bomb disposal officer, I did use to think that decision-making was largely a rational process. It took some near-death experiences for me to realise that the neuroscience of decision-making is much more complicated. Slowly, I came to appreciate the important psychology of heuristics and bias, as well as understanding the importance of assumptions and how values underpin our decision-making.

Values, principles, and ethics in decision-making

The book that introduced me to the concept of principle-based decision making was The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey points out:

“We are not in control, principles control. We control our actions, but the consequences that flow from these actions are controlled by Principles.”

Stephen R Covey 

So, the fact is that – whether we know it or not – our personal values drive our decision-making and influence the choices we make. But this is not a new discovery and Covey was not alone in this idea. For example, Gandhi said,

“Your values become your destiny.”

Gandhi

And this school of thought goes back much further. The idea of making right judgements is the field of ethics in philosophy. In Western philosophy, it was Socrates, Plato and Aristotle – the so-called founding fathers of ethics – who started this tradition.

Ethical decision-making is not just about choices in medicine (such as when to end care) or complex moral conundrums faced by society (such as assisted suicide). You cannot separate ethics from personal values and our everyday behaviour. As well as the moral code of the society we live in, we all have our own inner sense of morality that informs our actions. The ability to make these choices, according to our values, is inextricably tied to our understanding of freedom. Aristotle summed it up this way:

“Freedom is obedience to self-formulated rules.”

Aristotle

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How do values influence our choices?

My favourite analogy for personal values is that they are like a compass. The whole point of a magnetic compass is that it points to the North, no matter which way we are facing. Even when we cannot see properly – for example, when stuck in fog or deep in a jungle – the compass gives us reliable data about our direction.

Personal values do the same for us. Whatever our circumstances, our values are an inner compass, informing us of whether the direction we are choosing is in line with principles or not.

“I have learned that as long as I hold fast to my beliefs and values – and follow my own moral compass – then the only expectations I need to live up to are my own.”

Michelle Obama

To complete the analogy, it is worth remembering that a compass can be affected by magnetic interference and occasionally not be trusted. In the same way, even our moral compass can be thrown off by cognitive bias. That is why no one aspect of decision-making can be considered without respect to other facets. We must be aware of all the various neural processes if we really want to make good decisions.

Values in decision-making for organisations 

Ray Dalio is an expert in how values affect decision-making in an organisation. In his book, Principles, he shares the values that he has identified and implemented – both in personal and business life. What makes Ray Dalio’s company Bridgewater, so impressive is the way they have built their values into the very fabric of the business.

For many organisations, their company values are just nice-sounding universal values (such as trust or creativity) that have been decided upon by an executive, but with little thought to how these values should truly affect the culture of an organisation. Many employees can barely remember their company values, let alone explain how they should inform their judgements and behaviours. Not so at Bridgewater.

Building a company from the values up

At Bridgewater, not only did they identify the company values, but they also then built organisational processes to reflect those principles, even writing code to embed these principles into automated decision-making. With each decision made these values are tested, the results examined, and the algorithms refined in a constant process of improvement.

This approach, backed up by the transparent way Bridgewater makes choices, empowers people at every level in the business to make decisions. Decision-making is not the preserve of management or the executive suite. At Bridgewater, this empowerment has fuelled effectiveness, growth and profitability.

As Roy Disney, the co-founder of another values-driven company observes,

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”

Roy Disney

It is worth reflecting upon. You can ask these questions:

• What are the principles of your organisation and how do they inform processes?
• Do the actions and behaviours of employees reflect the core values?
• Are people empowered to make decisions measured against stated principles?

Principle-based leadership

This sort of organisation is led by a leader who understands the importance of values; someone who knows their own principles and lives according to them. We call that integrity; someone who walks the talk, and integrity is one of the most frequently listed essential traits of a leader.

Stephen Covey wrote about this sort of leadership in his other popular book, The Principle-Centred Leader, but this approach to leadership also has a lot in common with servant leadership, transformational leadership and authentic leadership, all of which emphasise leaders of moral principle and purpose.

So how do you start?

So, having seen that understanding personal values is important as they affect our choices, what do we do about it? The first step in making better decisions is to identify the principles that guide you in your judgements. This will help both you and the people you work with. As Ray Dalio points out,

“The most important thing is that you develop your own principles and ideally write them down, especially if you are working with others.”

Ray Dalio

Take a moment to think. Can you write down your top values? Try to think of the top principles that you adhere to. I recommend 5 to 10 as a maximum. If you are a bit stuck then there are various tools, exercises that can help you do this and if you would like some help then read my post on What Are Your Personal Values?

How to practically apply personal values in decision-making

Once you have your list of personal values, there are some simple, practical ways you can employ them to inform your decision-making. For example:

Values Venn Diagram

Create a venn diagram that shows how your core values overlap. You can then think of past experiences, upcoming events, roles you play and choices your make, and plot them on the Venn diagram to indicate how these different situations utilise or impact your principles.

In theory, the intersection of your values, where they are all being employed to the max, is a sweet spot. This should be a space of fulfilment, flow and effectiveness. If you are trying to work out the ideal career or vocation, then this is a good place to start.

For example, my core values are leadership, service and adventure. Therefore, it is no surprise that I served as an officer in the military, as this profession sits at the nadir of my values.

You can also consider the factors relayed in my post on:

How do you find a job that you love?

Principle Driven Courses of Action

Another way to use values is to use them as factors when weighing up different courses of action. When facing a choice or considering a goal, there are often multiple options we can pursue. To decide between these potential paths, we can score each option against our key principles. A course of action that scores the highest, according to the values you choose, is likely to be the preferred choice.

You can read more about developing and choosing between courses of actions in my post:

Choose the Best Course of Action to Achieve Your Goal

Values Dashboard

Another way you can use your personal principles is to think of them as a dashboard, with each value as a gauge that monitors levels in real time. This is a useful way of thinking about how our values are impacted on a more continual basis, day-to-day.

In this way, the console helps us maintain a life balance. I like to imagine them like a dashboard in a plane, where my values gauges sit alongside other dials that measure other important factors such as rest, nutrition and emotions. You can read more about how to use this approach in:

How to Maintain Balance in Life to Ensure Success

I am healthy, I live in a great home, in a wonderful city. I have a loving family, wife, kids, and a diverse group of friends. My work is challenging and job fulfilling. But I get unhappy. Due to how fortunate I am that makes me feel guilty and in turn, more unhappy. After all, what right do I have to be unhappy?

As I am in my forties it is easy to classify this as a mid-life crisis but that does not solve the fundamental question; why am I unhappy and what can be done about it?

Happiness is not just Maslow’s hierarchy

An observer would say that, in my case, unhappiness is not logical. In terms of Maslow’s hierarchy, the levels are ticked off, at least on first inspection. My basic physiological, security and social needs are met. I have pretty good self-esteem and the respect of others. I acquire self-actualisation through my employment, pursuits, and personal development.

So why do I get unhappy?

I am not suffering from medical depression but – as we are increasingly aware – mental health is nuanced. Malaise and malcontent may not require medication, but they are still challenges. They affect our relationships and performance as well as our joy. Therefore, these feelings need to be understood, managed and treated in their own way.

And I am not alone. It is not just my work as a coach that gives me an insight into the number of people who find themselves unhappy. And it is not just people having a mid-life crisis, it is people of all ages. COVID-19 may be the pandemic, but unhappiness is endemic.

The equation of happiness?

The issue of happiness, or rather the lack of it, is developing a growing academic interest. Researchers seek to quantify and qualify what is it to be happy. Rakesh Sarin and Manel Baucells, relative pioneers in this field, proposed various laws of happiness in their book Engineering Happiness. The laws can effectively be summarised in the following equation:

Happiness = Reality – Shifting Expectations

This is useful, at least to a degree, as a large part of unhappiness – particularly for those in seemingly good situations – is based on unhelpful comparisons. The selectively manicured view of life on social media does nothing to help this. The fact is life can always be better, things (and people) are not perfect. But, as per the equation, we often feel the imbalance, notice the lack or get lost in the gap.

So how do we solve the problem? Does this mean that we should just have low expectations? This might be the response of cynics or ascetics. And simplifying life or managing expectations can help. But this is also not always easy nor is it necessarily the full answer to the problem. We need to understand why we have certain expectations in the first place. That is because our expectations are based on what we value.

Therefore, unhappiness can be seen as a misalignment in our values. When forced to spend our time beyond our priorities, when actions grate against our principles or when reality challenges our beliefs, we feel that imbalance. It makes us unhappy.

Creeping discontent

Sometimes this unhappiness can take us by surprise. Suddenly we are overwhelmed by the compounding of small, misaligned decisions, the incremental build-up of compromise.

When this happens to me it feels like I have been out walking in a fog. After marching on a bearing in the mist for a long time, my head pops out of the cloud, and I find that I was not where I was expecting to be. Suddenly I am faced with lots of questions. How did I get off track? What should I do now?

At times like these, the first thing I do is to re-examine my personal values. They are my moral compass. They give me direction. Therefore, I need to know whether I can trust these principles. If the precepts are still good, then I want to know, what went wrong in the process of applying them?

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Examining my personal values

When coaching and exploring personal values, many people come up with work, family, and leisure as values. But I would call these priorities, and in that sense, they are subtly different. What we prioritise can be seen in where we use our resources, such as time and money. Our values reveal how we behave and perform in these priority areas.

So, for example, I may give a lot of time to my work – making it a priority – but the nature of the work I choose and how I perform in my employment is an expression of my values. To explain this more we will look at my personal core values.

The way I have expressed my core values has changed over time but the top three are being adventurous, serving to lead and being mission-focused. In my recent bout of unhappiness – aka mid-life crisis – examining each, in turn, helped reveal causes of discontentment. In turn, this knowledge gave me the starting point to change things for the better.

Trying to live a life of adventure 

I have always dreamed of and sought adventure. Growing up I wanted to be Indiana Jones. Explorers like Ernest Shackleton are my heroes. I am a fellow of the Royal Geographical Society. I have scaled unclimbed peaks in the arctic and searched for archaeological remains in the jungles of Central America. One of the things that led me to a career in the military for a desire for adventure, which I certainly experienced on my various operational tours.

My love of adventure influences my relationships. My best friends share a love of adventure and family holidays become mini expeditions in themselves. Even when not in the wilderness I try to bring an adventurous outlook to what I do.

Sounds good right? But the fact is that now many of my responsibilities restrict opportunities for adventure. In the interests of creating a stable home life or maintaining a good level of income, adventure can be slowly stifled. The safety and stability of a good home in a safe neighbourhood can feel like a gilded cage. A cage of my own making. So, I must ask myself, how did I box myself in?

Servant leadership and the challenges of putting others first

One of the reasons is related to another value, that of serving to lead. Servant leadership puts the greater purpose and the development of others before self. Servant leadership has always been the most influential leadership model for me. It was exemplified by my father, exhorted at church when growing up, and expected of Army Officers graduating from The Royal Military Academy Sandhurst.

As well as shaping my military career this approach also led me into coaching. Coaching is about helping others to flourish and fulfil their potential. Effective coaching is a form of servant leadership.

And servant leadership is not just about professional titles. Being a parent is about as challenging as leadership gets. There is no other leadership role where I have so constantly felt so out of depth or so frequently failing in some way! In this context, servant leadership has been putting the needs of the family and the development of children ahead of other things.

So, serving can mean less adventure, and so, as a matter of circumstance, values come under tension, pulled in different directions. This stress can cause unhappiness. When this happens resentment or resignment can set in. In these circumstances, parenthood can become just another duty, work a necessary evil, marriage a transactional partnership. The underlying passion and the purpose – the reason for serving – can get lost.

Mission focus to loss of purpose

A sense of purpose is important to most people, but I am particularly wired to go after a vision, define a mission, to set and achieve goals. I like to set targets and achieve them. I enjoy working on projects – such as expeditions and operations – that have defined start and end states.

When committed to achieving an aim it brings out other characteristics. I can be very energised, determined, and focused. On the other hand, without a clear goal, I can become restless, morose, or even lazy.

The middle stage of life is often characterised by routine and process rather than big achievements or bold challenges. Sometimes the problem is even related to having achieved so much. Writer Tal Ben-Shahar, in his book Happier, calls this the arrival fallacy. As with the happiness equation, the arrival fallacy exists because our expectations of achieving something generally outstrip the reality of completing or even just striving for a goal. Even becoming the world’s best does not help, that is why there is a recognised disorder called post-Olympic depression.

So, what happens when you have achieved your goals, or you find you have lost your drive? It is easy to lose a feeling of purpose when every day seems the same. When progress is so incremental our dreams, beliefs, even our identity can come into question. At times like these, one needs some focused self-refection.

Unhappy? Start with proper self-diagnosis

Unhappy? Mid-life crisis? Not content with life? You are not alone. There is no common circumstance that causes unhappiness but there are some key insights to help diagnose the root causes. In all cases, diagnosis proceeds proper treatment. Self-inquiry comes before self-improvement. Thinking before doing.

First, we need to examine our expectations. How do they differ from our reality? Identifying and quantifying the gap helps us understand the nature and scope of our dissatisfaction. Next, we need to identify how expectations have been shaped by our values. In this way, we can identify where the tensions and misalignments are. Only then will we have sufficient knowledge to address our challenges.

This has been my recent experience. Reflection and self-examination have given me data I need to start again. I now know where I am and how I got there. Next, I can plan where I want to go next and how I am going to get there. And even just that knowledge makes me happier. Maybe the challenge can become an adventure!