Why What We Value Defines Our Personal Identity

Values are central; they go to the very core of us, to our personal identity.  Our principles are perhaps the most important things as, whether or not we live out our dream or achieve our mission, they are most likely to remain intact. Values are a foundation and a plumb line as well as a moral compass.

“We are not in control, principles control. We control our actions, but the consequences that flow from these actions are controlled by Principles.”  Stephen R. Covey

Our decisions and actions flow from our principles and in this way our values help to define us; they are part of our identity.  Our exploration and discovery of our principles is therefore a discovery of self.  As one anonymous observer noted: “Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.  Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.”

So what do we know about our own identity?  What do we value in ourselves and others?

Think about the first two questions you are generally asked when you meet someone.  If you are from the UK, the US or a large part of the world it is likely to be “what is your name?” (usually meaning your first name) quickly followed by “what do you do?”

What are people really asking when they enquire about what you do?  They are asking about your job, profession or vocation for sure.  But the fact that this comes out so quickly when we meet people indicates how highly we rate work in our culture and how closely we identify ourselves with what we do.  When people ask what you do they are actually asking who you are.  They are hoping for an answer that will help them quickly categorise you.

Free Personal Action Plan

Just sign up here to receive your free copy

What do you do?

I went along with this for many years because, for a long time, it was easy.  I started out as an Army Officer working as a bomb disposal expert.  This was an easy title, and one I enjoyed using, as it sounded impressive.  I enjoyed seeing the raised eyebrows and the endearing look of respect (that I so little deserved in reality).  Next, I was a Project Manager, working in the construction industry.  Again an easy label, although I must admit it sounded less impressive at parties than something with ‘Bomb’ in the title.  But hey, I was married by then so who was I trying to impress anyway?  Well everyone actually!

The real challenge came with my next job, working for a rapidly growing church.  My job description was constantly evolving and therefore it was hard to describe exactly what I did, especially as I was not actually a church minister.  I found that introducing myself generally required a long explanation.  The process of outlining what I did was just long enough to watch people’s eyes glaze over, stare down their drinks or look furtively towards the exit.

When I moved on again and started working as a management consultant it was not really any easier, as the title ‘consultant’ invokes so many different things.   You may be motivated by helping individuals and equipping organisations, but one has a lot of justification to do when people look at you with an expression that seems to imply ‘consultant’ is synonymous with ‘parasite’!

Training dolphins to be government assassins

And then, at one networking event, I had a moment of clarity.  I started introducing myself in this way: “Hi, I’m Simon, I train dolphins to be government assassins.”  Once again I had attained the level of eyebrow movement that I have attained as a bomb disposal officer (but I guess more out of surprise than respect).  Life was easy once again (for a moment at least) but it did make me think. Why do people, including me, care so much about titles?  Why would I be prepared to embellish or even make up something about what I do? What does it say about me? The answers to these questions are pretty challenging.

Are we just what we do?

If asked about your identity, like me, you may not initially answer beyond your name and job but of course, there is much more to us than that.  One way we can discover something more about our identity is by what we think when we look at other people.  As we walk down a street, enter a room or sit staring out of a café window we are constantly assessing those around us.  We compare looks, wealth, car, house, job, children, happiness, clothes, phone.  In conversation, this process continues through things like accent, vocabulary, demeanour, politics, religion, aspirations and education.

Of course, much of what we first think is not real; we try to make a value judgement in a fleeting moment, judging the book by its cover.  Not surprisingly this process actually tells us more about us than about the other person, because how we classify others speaks volumes about how we perceive ourselves.  If we are putting someone else in a certain box or on a certain level what does that say about our position?  I for one did not think I had a pride problem until I thought about this!

Even this internal classification can be somewhat misleading.  We all have roles that we play and we often wear masks that represent an aspirational self, the person we want to show to the world, rather than the real us.  But even if this ideal self is not the true self we can learn more of ourselves. This is because even if we are aspiring to be something or someone else it once again reveals what we value.

Personal Leadership: Master the Top 10 Life Skills

Better lead in life and work to maximise your success. Sign up and access the course for free!

What is your worldview? What are your beliefs?

Work, position, pension, benefits package and job title can be important to us.  Our perception of our perfect partner, spouse and family can be the more presentable faces of simple base motivators.  Money, sex and power have always been identified as strong drivers, even if they are hidden under more subtle layers of respectability.  Our identity can also be wrapped up in more ethereal things.  Our worldview, philosophy, faith or politics can define us because they affect the way we live.

None of these things needs to be necessarily good or bad in themselves, but for everything we prioritise we need to ask why we care about it so that we can understand it further and get under the skin of our thinking.  We need to be aware of the things around which we construct our lives.  We need to be certain of the foundation we are building upon.

Worth-ship

If we value something very highly we give it worth above other things or even ultimate worth. We build our lives around it. This prioritising, giving position, reverence or regard was called ‘worschipe’ in Middle English.  Today its name is ‘worship’.  In other words, even if you do not consider yourself religious we all give something religious value.

Here is some insight from the influential writer David Foster Wallace on the subject:

“Because here’s something else that’s weird but true: in the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship.

And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship — be it JC or Allah, bet it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set of ethical principles — is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive.”

The Importance of knowing where your priorities and values lie

David Foster Wallace then goes on to illustrate the dangers we face:

“If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It’s been codified as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great story. The whole trick is keeping the truth upfront in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they’re evil or sinful, it’s that they’re unconscious. They are default settings.

They’re the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day, getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure value without ever being fully aware that that’s what you’re doing.”

We may not believe in God but we all choose to give something ultimate worth and choose to build our lives around it. It is important that we know what that thing is and ask ourselves why we value it so highly.

Digging down to our principles

Self-exploration can be a scary journey but it is an essential one.  We need to know about our principles because what happens when these things are challenged or even taken away? What are we left with?  Are our values vulnerable?  If they come under attack could everything else come tumbling down?  We face long-term insecurity if our values are unreliable or temporal things, even if they are good things such as people or helpful things such as possessions.

So what are your values? How do they affect your identity? I would encourage you to take some time out to reflect seriously on these questions.

You can explore these questions and discover more about your own values by reading: What are your personal values?

“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.”  St. Augustine

What next?

You may want also want some help, delving deeper into your values and identifying your goals. I have the pleasure of seeing amazing, positive, transformations in the individuals and organisations I work with. If you would like some assistance too, in person or online, then please do drop me a line. You can email me via the contact page.

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for leaders who want coaching towards greater clarity, purpose and success. We are all leaders (whether we know it or not) as we all have influence. So the question is, what are you doing with your influence?

Wherever you are on your leadership journey, I hope that you find resources on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and coaching them to achieve their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!

Why What we Value Matters

The philosophical author David Foster Wallace said,

There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. 

David Foster Wallace

But what did he mean and was he right?

Foster Wallace was talking about how our behaviour; our habits, decisions, and actions, are dependent upon what we believe. In other words, what we do is dependent upon our values. And to work out what we value, we need to ask some why questions.

Why are you doing that?

Why do you do behave the way you do? This sounds like a stupid question, but it is actually quite profound. Why do you do that job? What is the reason that you the leader or the follower in that situation? How come you hang out with those people? Why do you read those books?

The easy answer is usually to do with liking something or other. But that still begs the question, why do we like any one thing more than another? There is always another why. But some people do not like being asked why they act or think in a certain way.

As a parent, I am very aware that why questions can be challenging, if not downright annoying. Children love to ask why, and it can get very frustrating, especially when you just want them to do something.

But it is not the repetition that pricks us most; it is how quickly the thorny question can get to the edge of our understanding. Any parent will tell you that soon enough the answer becomes something like “that’s just the way it is.” With the answer, our ignorance, as well as our lack of patience, is exposed. But the question remains: why are things that way?

Free Personal Action Plan

Just sign up here to receive your free copy

Be curious

We should all keep asking those sorts of questions. Therefore, stay curious. We do not need to be childish in our behaviour, but it is good to retain a child-like curiosity. That helps us to keep learning, keeps our sense of wonder and holds back the tide of cynicism that seeks to envelop us in our adult years.

The fact that you are reading this means that you are curious. You are intrigued to find out what I might think, what I have to say on this subject. What I find intriguing is that, even though we are likely not to have met, we are now involved in an exchange of ideas, where our beliefs, biases, and suppositions swirl together in metaphysical discourse, held in the luxurious debating chamber of your amazing mind. The very fact we can have this disembodied conversation is a wondrous thing!

There is wonder everywhere. So, remain curious. Keep asking questions. Provoke discourse.

What are values?

I like questions and, like Simon Sinek, my favourite questions are why questions. I appreciate why questions because they delve into motivation, into reason and belief. In other words, they expose the underlying values that drive purpose.

The values, exposed by why questions, are a thing of fascination to me. I have spent years examining my own values and helping others to identify theirs too.

But what are values exactly? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, values are defined as:

“Principles or standards of behaviour; one’s judgement of what is important in life.”

Lexico

This is a good starting point, but we can understand the term further through exploring this definition and the word’s synonyms:

  • Values are principles. They are ideals, truths, or propositions that we aspire to.
  • Values are standards. They are the formal and informal precepts, regulations, and rules we live by.
  • Values are judgements. They are the benchmark, the plumbline, the compass that informs our decision-making.
  • Values are beliefs. They are the tenets, convictions, and ideas we put our faith in.
  • Values are priorities. They are our motivations, the things that take precedence, that we give importance to and affect how we use our resources.

So that is what values are. Of course, the next question is why are they important?

Personal Leadership: Master the Top 10 Life Skills

Better lead in life and work to maximise your success. Sign up and access the course for free!

Worth-ship

Values are important because they drive our behaviour. It starts with principles shaping our thinking. Standards inform our judgements and impact our decisions. We then plan according to our beliefs and act in line with our priorities.

Those are values. And values are about value; the worth that we give something. So, what do you value the most? Where do you place your worth?

If we value something very highly, we give it worth above other things or even ultimate worth. We build our lives around it. This prioritising, giving position, reverence or regard was called worschipe in Middle English.  This evolved into the present word worship.  In other words, even if you do not consider yourself spiritual, we all give something religious value.

We cannot help it. Our time and resources in life are finite and therefore we must prioritise. Something ends up on a pedestal. It may not be a spiritual entity we put on the throne of our lives but one way or another we will take a good thing and make it a god thing.

The importance of understanding our motivations

Sometimes we are not fully conscious of what this base belief is. Or we can be tentative about sharing our motivations with others.

Either way, it is vitally important we understand what drives us. That is because there are dangers hidden in what we value. As David Foster Wallace puts it:

“If you worship money and things, if they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have enough, never feel you have enough…

…worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you…

…worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear…

…worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. 

David Foster Wallace

So, it is crucial that we know what we give ultimate worth to and ask ourselves why we value it so highly.

The reason we do things

This sort of self-exploration can be a scary journey as we can be confronted by some uncomfortable truths. Often, what we think is the reason we do something is not the actual reason. As financier J P Morgan observed,

“A man always has two reasons for what he does—a good one, and the real one.”

J P Morgan

The journey of self-discovery is an essential one.  We need to know where we place our worth because what happens when these things are challenged or even taken away? What are we left with?

Crises, such as the global pandemic, shake us and often expose the foundations of what we believe. Resilience has become the new word-du-jour, but real resilience starts in the mind and is dependent upon our values.

If what we value starts to crack under the strain of circumstances, then our lives can start to crumble around us. Therefore, we need to know if our values are vulnerable.  The only way to check is to dig down and unearth our philosophical foundations. Only then can we start any remedial works.

The 5 Whys

There are lots of thinking and coaching tools you can use to conduct this psychological survey but one very good way to start is with some reflection time and the use of a technique called The 5 Whys.

The approach was developed by Sakichi Toyoda to analyse systems within the Toyota Corporation. The result was that he helped to revolutionise their production. Every system and action in the company were analysed by asking why, over and over again, until the primary reason was revealed, and the process could be refined.

We can apply the same approach to delve down to our fundamental motivations. Try in on a decision you have made today. You can take some time out to think, write in your journal or talk this through with someone. Whatever works best for you. Answer the question as to why you made that choice. Then ask why of that answer, and continue five times, or however many you need to get to the prime reason.

For example, I might ask why I am writing this. The answer might be that because I have planned that task into my diary. But why did I plan that activity into my calendar? Well, largely it is because I enjoy writing. But why do I enjoy writing? I enjoy writing because the process helps me share personal insights. Why is that important? Because I am motivated by helping people in their own personal development. Why do I care about other people’s personal development? Because I think people have amazing potential and I love to be part of helping to unlock that.

You can see from this example that asking why of even simple everyday activities can be very insightful.

One of the great things about the 5 Whys technique is that you can use it at almost any time and in pretty much every situation. It can work well as a mindfulness technique. If you feel a certain way, ask the 5 Whys. If a thought pops into your head, ask the 5 Whys. When you make a decision, ask the 5 Whys.

The next step on your journey of self-discovery

As Foster Wallace pointed out, we all worship something. If we do not know what that is, or we pick the wrong thing then we run the risk of it undermining our happiness.

So, we need to do some self-reflection to identify what we prioritise and understand our personal values. Start by asking why. Use The 5 Whys technique to explore your thoughts, choices and actions.

Good luck on your journey of self-discovery. I promise you will be better off for it!

If you want the right answers you have to start with the right questions

About The Right Questions

The Right Questions is for leaders who want coaching towards greater clarity, purpose and success. We are all leaders (whether we know it or not) as we all have influence. So the question is, what are you doing with your influence?

Wherever you are on your leadership journey, I hope that you find resources on this site to help you on the next leg of your quest. Even if that is just the inspiration to take one small step in the right direction, then that is a success. If you can take pleasure in learning and travelling as you go, then so much the better.

Need help navigating your journey to success?

I love to serve people, helping them unlock their potential, empowering them as leaders, and coaching them to achieve their goals. Please get in touch and let me know how I can support you!